Friday humour - December 21, 2001

From Davo at Bluehaze: + s e a s o n s g r e e t i n g s + A little diversion prior to most of us our celebrating our work Christmas bash at 12:30. As Tony was mentioning the anniversary of 100 years of radio this is an article from The Age Green Guide that might be of interest to assorted knob twiddlers ... so to speak: Click here And courtesy of The Age, the "What Year was that? Quiz" Click here (Clue: - it was pre-1990) -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- First this week is from Sir Colin of Nexhip YOUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN * Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the FUCK alone! * The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat battery. * It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it. * Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. * No one is listening until you fart. * Never test the depth of the water with both feet. * It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. * If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. * Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. * If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. * Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. * If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. * Don't squat with your spurs on. * If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. * If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people * Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. * Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. * Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes of bad judgment. * The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. * Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. * A closed mouth gathers no foot. * Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. * There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. * Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. * Never miss a good chance to shut up. -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- And from Stevo ... Christmas Party December 1 To: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis Human Resources Director --------------------------------------- December 2 To: ALL EMPLOYEES In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty Lewis Human Resources Director --------------------------------------- December 3rd To: ALL EMPLOYEES Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange. No gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money. Patty Lewis Human Researchers Director ------------------------------------------ December 7th To: ALL EMPLOYEES I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now? Patty Lewis Human Racehorses Director ----------------------------------------- December 9th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." Patty Lewis Human Ratraces ------------------------ December 10th To: ALL EMPLOYEES Vegetarians - I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the grill of death, "as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know , tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me? The Bitch from Hell ---------------------------- December 14th To: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the santitarium. In the meantime, management had decided to cancel our Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays! Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources Director -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- From Knickers in the UK ... Imponderables: * If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? * When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny? * Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? * When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? * Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? * If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? * Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? * What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? * I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . .they're cramming for their final exam. * I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? * Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? * If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? * No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning. * Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? * If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? * Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- And something clean from our Deanna: An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas AND paying their own airfares." -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- From Lee the Magpie at Melbourne Uni ... It's great to be a bloke because!?!:- Your arse is never a factor in a job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. Wrinkles add character. A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. People never glance at your chest when you're talking. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?" You can appreciate great sport. You can throw a ball more than 5 feet. One mood, ALL the damn time. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind. You can go to a public toilet without a support group. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original colour. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming. You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me." You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes. The world is your urinal. -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- And one from Bob Flann: Rapid Response Unit This man (name withheld to protect the innocent) was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things. He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so no-one was available to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again. "Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all." Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit - the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policeman said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!" He replied "I thought you said there was no-one available!" -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- This weeks non-ASCII stuff has arrived from Snowfields Beryl, our Deanna, QCAT, Highett Dave, Rosalie, Bob F, Lan Vu, Stevo, and Biggus: ------------------ Be afraid Click here Santa knows Click here Woman Click here Merry Christmas Boys! Click here Caught by the fuzz Click here Soccer magic Click here -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- Now back to ASCII from Dave from Highett (a repeat, but good): It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a Five Pound Note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?" "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "F**k him; give him a fiver. The breakfast was my idea." -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- Here's some more from QCAT A little French translation for you What does this tell you about the French? "Travailler dur n'a jamais tue' personne, mais pourquoi prendre le risque ?" (Edgar Bergen) Working hard has never killed anybody, but why take the risk? "Le travail est pour moi la chose la plus sacre' !!!... C'est pour ca que j'y touche pas !!!" Work is the most sacred thing to me. That's why I don't touch it!!! "Si ton labeur est dur, et si tes resultats sont minces, rappelle toi qu'un jour le grand chcne a ete un gland comme toi..." If your work is hard and your results are slim, remember that once the big oak tree was a acorn like you. "Heureux l'etudiant qui comme la rivire peut suivre son cours sans quitter son lit." Happy is the student who like the river can follow his course without leaving his bed. "L'homme n'est pas fait pour travailler, la preuve c'est que cela le fatigue." (Voltaire) Man was not made to work, the proof is that work gets him tired. "Le travail est l'opium du peuple et je ne veux pas mourir drogue." (Boris Vian) Work is the people's opium, and I don't want to die as a junky. "Beaucoup trop paye pour ce que je fais, mais pas assez pour ce que je m'emmerde." (Daniel Pennac) Paid too much for what I do, but not enough for when I have fuck all to do. "Si tu as envie de travailler, assieds-toi et attends que ca passe." (Proverbe Marseillais) If you want to work, sit down and wait for it to pass. "Il vaut mieux mobiliser son intelligence sur des conneries que mobiliser sa connerie sur des choses intelligentes." (Devise Shadok) It is better to use one's intelligence on stupid things than to use one's stupidity on intelligent things. "Le travail d'equipe est essentiel. En cas d'erreur, ca permet d'accuser quelqu'un d'autre." Team work is essential. When a mistake is made, it enables to accuse someone else. "Le cerveau est un merveilleux organe. Il demarre au moment ou vous vous levez et ne s'arrete qu'au moment ou vous arrivez au bureau." (Robert Frost) The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts up when you get out of bed and only stops when you get to work. "Le travail me fascine, je peux le regarder pendant des heures." Work fascinates me. I can look at it for hours. -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- And finally, from Ben in Windy Wellington How Sexy is your Name...??? According to studies, the first letter of your first name reveals your sexual identity. A - You are a true stud, you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern. B - You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment. C - You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without. D - Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual. E - Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. However once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book. F - You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favourite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover. G - You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually. H - You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits. You are a sensual and patient lover. I - You have a great need to be loved, appreciated... even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment. You bore easily and thus require adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful. J - You are totally blimmin marvellous! K - You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new experiences, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated. L - You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's saviour. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You really enjoy stimulating yourself. You are the ideal sex machine, seducing others with mind, eyes, body and lips. M - You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate. N - You are crap in bed. Much practice and learning is needed! O - You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. You demand intensity and diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check. P - You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; A good fight stimulates those vibes. You are relatively free of hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification. Q - You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going. R - You are a complete sex god. You enjoy experimenting and never hesitate to take the lead. You must be able to talk to your partner before during and after. Your enjoy what you do and it shows. S - You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along. T - You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, oftentimes all in your own head. U - You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant ratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own. V - You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psycho-ing them out. You feel a need to get into their head to see what makes them tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. W - You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games. X - You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head. Y - You are sensual and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate. Z - For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in any way bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue. -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- Also from Ben, the following personality test: How geeky are you? Hmmmm??? Click here -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- And stone final motherless last is this little ditty from Trina (it's another repeat, but what the heck - it's Christmas :-) Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house everyone felt shitty even the mouse. Mum at the whorehouse, and dad smoking grass. I'd just settled down for a nice piece of arse. When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter I sprung from my piece to see what's the matter. Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell I knew in a moment the old fucker fell. He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer, and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer. He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart the son of a bitch blew the chimney apart. He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight so piss on you all and have a good night. -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- Quote of Christmas week: "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one." - John Lennon -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- Merry Christmas -+-oOo-+- -+-oOo-+- Click here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [ End Fri humour ]
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