Friday humour - December 14, 2001

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

     Some of you are probably aware that last Wednesday (December 12, 2001)
     marked the centenary of Guglielmo Marconi's historic transmission of the
     first radio signals across the Atlantic.  It was crude - just a letter "S"
     (3 dots) sent in morse code via an electric arc connected to a long-wave
     wire antenna, but it was received across a distance of 2000 miles.

     During the past couple of days, 3LO here in Melbourne has been running
     special programs to commemorate the event.  To me, at least, the most
     interesting comments from listeners were those concerning the memorable
     "mental image" aspect of radio dramas and serials.  We used to "dare"
     each other to listen to "The Inner Sanctum" (3AW) at night with all the
     lights turned out - scary stuff!  Many callers also commented on their
     memory of 'the family sitting around the radio to have dinner'.

     Serials (in Oz, at least) such as "Dad and Dave", "Biggles", "Blue Hills"
     were all mentioned of course.  Surprisingly, the ABC here (the Oz
     equivalent of the BBC) have apparently thrown out all copies the latter -
     surely a poor effort on the part of a National Broadcaster for a serial
     that ran from 1949 to 1976?  Some callers expressed a desire to hear such
     programs again.  A few also expressed the view that listening to such
     material would be far more effective in stimulating children's imagination
     than watching TV or surfing the 'net.  I suspect they're right there.

     Anyway, onto humour, and first up, this one from MAC288 (Russell).  It
     was also passed on by Maria the Harding:

   I have a moral question for you.

   This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is instructive to contemplate
   what you would do.

   The situation ...

You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress.  Many homes
have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.  You are a
photographer getting still photos for the CNN news service and are travelling
alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.

You come across Osama Bin Laden who has been swept away by the flood waters.
He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.

You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize
winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer the question

Which lens would you use?

            Next, this one as passed on by Steve [redacted]:

                              WATER VERSUS COKE

  This makes you think.  We all know that water is important but I've never
  seen it written down like this before ...


* 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated (likely applies to half world

* In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often
  mistaken for hunger.

* Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.

* One glass of water shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the
  dieters studied in a U-Washington study.

* Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

* Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could
  significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

* A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble
  with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a
  printed page.

* Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%,
  plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely
  to develop bladder cancer.

  So - are you drinking enough water each day?

                                  Next: COKE

* In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke
  in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

* You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.

* To clean a toilet, pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let
  the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.  The citric acid in Coke
  removes stains from vitreous china.

* To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers, rub the bumper with a
  crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminium foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

* To clean corrosion from car battery terminals, pour a can of Coca-Cola over
  the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

* To loosen a rusted bolt, apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted
  bolt for several minutes.

* To bake a moist ham, empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the
  ham in aluminium foil, and bake.  Thirty minutes before the ham is finished,
  remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for sumptuous
  brown gravy.

* To remove grease from clothes, empty a can of coke into a load of greasy
  clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle.  The Coca-Cola will
  help loosen grease stains.  It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

  And FYI:

* The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.  Its Ph is 2.8 and it
  will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

* To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use
  the Hazardous Material placecards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

* The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean the engines of their
  trucks for about 20 years!

  Still Want To Drink Up?

          Then there was this little parable as forwarded by Doug Knight:

                           THE DOG AND THE LEOPARD

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.  He took his faithful pet
dog along for company.  One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before
long he discovers that he is lost.  So, wandering about he notices a leopard
heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter).  Then
he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that
was one DELICIOUS leopard!  Wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror
comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard to
himself, "That was close.  That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
the leopard.  So, off he goes.  But the dog saw him heading after the leopard
with great speed, and figured that something must be up.  The monkey soon
catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself
with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my
back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."  Soon, the
dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks "What am
I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers
pretending he hasn't seen them yet.  Just when they get close enough to
hear, the dog growls loudly, "Argghh, where's that monkey?  I just can never
trust him ... I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard,
and he's still not back!"

           And pre-pics, this quickie passed on by David McCallum:

A bum asks a man for $2.  The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum said, "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens
to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

       To a few pics now.  First up, this collection Andrew Smith found:

                               FAT AND THIN

  Julia Roberts: Click here
  Jennifer Lopez: Click here
  Liz Hurley: Click here
  Catherine Zeta-Jones: Click here
  Sandra Bullock: Click here
  Hewitt: Click here
  Gwineth Paltrow: Click here

       And some Chrismassy ones from Ron Kerpen:

  Where icicles come from: Click here
  No belt: Click here
  My snowman: Click here
  Kinky: Click here
  The perils: Click here

       And another pretty little Christmas one, from Maria Harding (this is
       an EXE, so PC only - you'll have to save it somewhere and then find
       it and double-click on it):

  Christmas card: Click here

       The guy who passed this one on wishes to remain anonymous, so we
       won't tie him into it:

  Err ... is this real?  Click here

       This lady also prefers to remain anonymous, so just enjoy:

  Names: Click here

       And a couple from that centre of invention up in Queensland:

  Whipped cream: Click here
  Home movie: Click here
     (That last one's a repeat, but some of you probably missed it)

       And no - we haven't forgotten that dreaded puzzle from last week.
       BTW (as pointed out by Woz), it contained spelling mistakes.  Anyway,
       courtesy of Andrew Smith (who got it out), here's the solution to the
       IQ test: Click here

      Back to the ASCII stuff (for those who enjoy a quiet read), and
      a contribution from the old West (slightly naughty):

Ahmed was a high ranking official in King Akbar's court.  He had one
long-standing wish - to suck the Queen's voluptuous breasts to his heart's
desire.  Every time he passed the Queen he got frustrated.

One day, he revealed his desire to the King's chief adviser, Birbal, and begged
him to do something about it.  Birbal, after much thought, agreed on the
condition that, afterward, Ahmed would have to pay Birbal 1,000 gold coins for
arranging things.  Ahmed agreed.

The next day Birbal prepared a high voltage itching lotion and poured it into
the Queen's bra which she Had left out while she was taking a bath.

Soon the itching started and grew in intensity, much to the King's anxiety.

Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure it.  Birbal also added that such a saliva was
only to be found in Ahmed's mouth.

King Akbar summoned Ahmed, and for the next four hours Ahmed violently sucked
the Queen's breasts.  Licking, biting, pressing, playing, he got what he always
desired.  Satisfied, he returned and met Birbal, but since his mission was over
and his lust satisfied, he refused to pay Birbal anything, and in fact he
shooed him away.  Ahmed, of course knew that Birbal could never report this
matter to the King.

But Ahmed had underestimated Birbal.

Next day, Birbal duly put the same itching lotion in King Akbar's underwear.

Ahmed was again called by the King .....

                And back up to sunny QCAT for this one ...

                            OH TO BE 41 AGAIN

A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look?  What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care.  I just
came from the doctor and HE says that I have the breasts of an 18-year-old!"

The husband said, "What did he say about your 41-year-old arse?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

         Here's another contribution from Andrew Smith.  This one turned up
         on one of those 'forum' discussion thingees ...

                      BOFH (BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL)

It's backup day today so I'm pissed off.  Being the BOFH, however, does
have it's advantages.  I assign the tape device to null - it's so much more
economical on my time as I don't have to keep getting up to change tapes
every 5 minutes.  And it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad.

A user rings.

"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask

"It's probably something to do with ..."  I look up today's excuse " ... clock

"Oh"  (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied)  "Do you know
when it will be fixed?"

"Fixed?  There's 275 users on your machine, and one of them is you.  Don't be
so selfish - logout now and give someone else a chance!"

"But my research results are due in tomorrow and all I need is one page of
Laser Print ..."

"SURE YOU DO.  Well, you just keep telling yourself that buddy!"  I hang up.

Sheesh, you'd really think people would learn not to call!

The phone rings.  It'll be him again, I know.  That annoys me.  I put on a
gruff voice


"Oh, I'm sorry ... I've got the wrong number."

"YEAH?  Well, what's your name buddy?  Do you know WASTED phone calls cost
money?  DO YOU?  I've got a good mind to subtract your wasted time, my wasted
time, and the cost of this call from your weekly wages!  IN FACT I WILL!   By
the time I've finished with you, YOU'LL OWE US money!  WHAT'S YOUR NAME - AND

I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he's obviously going to
try and get an alibi by being at the Dean's office.  I look up his username
and find his department.  I ring the Dean's secretary.

"Hello?" she answers


"I think so..." she says


"Um.  Ok"


I hear her scrabbling at the terminal...


She sobs her assent and I hang up.  And the worst thing is, I was just guessing
about the purity test thing.   I grab a quick copy anyway,  it might make for
some good late-night reading.

Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds.  Modern technology
is wonderful, isn't it?

Another user rings.

"I need more space" he says

"Well, why don't you move to Texas?" I ask

"No, on my account, stupid."

Stupid?!?....  Uh-Oh..

"I'm terribly sorry", I say, in a polite manner equal to that of Jimmy Stewart
in a Family Matinee "I didn't quite catch that.  What was it that you said?"

I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too late, he's a goner
and he knows it.

"Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account, *please*"

"Sure, hang on"

I hear him gasp his relief even though he covered the mouthpiece.

"There, you've got plenty of space now"

"How much have I got"

Now this REALLY *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*!  Not only do they want me to give them
extra disk, they want to check it, to correct me if I don't give them enough.
They should be happy with what I give them *and that's it*!!!

Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.

"Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available"

"Wow!  Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says pleased with his bargaining power

"No", I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red, at room temperature,
"4 Meg ... IN TOTAL ..."

"Huh?...  I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg Available?"

I say nothing.  It'll come to him.


I kill me; I really do!

     The next couple are quite voluminous, so I'll just give you the links.
     In any case, the last one insists that people do that rather than
     actually distributing copies.

     This first one drifted past on our Westerly list.

                             POSTAL EXPERIMENTS

  Click here

     The other two were passed on by our Illinois correspondent - Nestor
     Zaluzec.  Some great advice for all you singles out there!

                               GUIDES TO GEEKS

A girl's guide to Geek guys: Click here
A guy's guide to Geek girls: Click here

       And to wrap it up for one more week, this final contribution from
       our social president, Dave McCallum:

After having their 11th child, a Tasmanian couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.  So the husband went to his
doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to
have any more children.  The doctor told him that there was a procedure called
a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker,
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Tasmanian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world,
but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is
going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can.  He
held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1" ... "2" ... "3" ... "4" ... "5" ...

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between is legs, and
resumed counting on his other hand.

(This procedure also works in South Australia, Port Adelaide and New Zealand.)
[ End Friday humour ]

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