Friday humour - November 30, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

   Yo - as summer approaches we seem to be suffering a shortage of
   contributions lately so a few of these offerings are recycled.

   BTW - for Tony Hancock fans - it's not raining in Tokyo.

   Happy Birthday to Talk 1116 3AK - 70 years old today and still in stereo -
   remember the Good Guys, Where no wrinklies fly ..., and Beautiful Music?
   Those were the days ...   And the dramas continue - the "human
   headline" Derryn Hinch walked out today - "never to return".

   To get your mind into gear, try this quick current affairs trivia quiz
   courtesy of "The Age".  And if anyone can explain the first answer,
   please do ...

               Click here

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   Firstly from Rosalie

Here is a website on the interesting effects of a strong magnet on
frogs:
                  Click here

... and some bizarre and humorous public responses to the science of frog
levitation found on the same site:

    Click here
    Click here

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   And a quickie from QCAT:

                                 PASSWORD

A woman was helping her computer illiterate husband set up his computer, and
at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to
choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband
was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect
to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to
enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was
keying in "p.. e.. n.. i.. s".

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

*** - PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH - ***

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   From the deviants in WA:

                            What do you drink?

Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify personality by what
drinks were chosen.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The
results:

IF WOMEN DRINK:

Drink : Beer. Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Approach
: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella. Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy,
and a pain in the ass. Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin
boy.

Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas Personality: Mature, has picky taste;
knows what she wants. Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask) Personality: Conservative and
classy, sophisticated. Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the
conversation.

Drink : Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc Personality : Easy;
thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue.
Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.

Drink : Baileys. Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart. Approach :
Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

Drink : Shots (Vodka, Aftershock etc.). Personality : Hanging with male pals
or looking to get drunk... and naked. Approach : Easiest hit in the pub.
Nothing to do but wait.

IF MEN DRINK - As always, very simple and clear cut.

Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor / student and wants to get laid.

Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid

Guinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image
and help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate
to get laid.

Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

Whisky : He doesn't give a shit about anything and will hit anyone who
prevents him getting laid.

Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about
feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting
laid.

Tequila : Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc: He's GAY


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A couple from Wellington Ben

                        Microsoft Whundows 2000

Microsoft wants to help YOU Kiwis. Don't be forced to use condescending,
smart arse software apps. Due to be released before Christmas, the Kiwi
version of Windows 2000 is entitled Whundows Tu Thoosand.

The "Start" button has been replaced with "Kiora".

The "Recycle Bin" has been named something more fitting "The Shitter".

The "Control Panel" also has a new name "Te Taniwha Wharenui".

The [C:] drive is now called "All The Whanau's shit".

The familiar "Do you what to save the changes?" dialogue box with "Yes",
"No", and "Cancel", has had the buttons replaced with "Yeah Bro", "Nah Bro",
and "Ah Fuckit".

"Help Topics" has been replaced with "Where to find shit".

"My Documents" has been replaced with "Your Shit".

In other Dialogue boxes, you no longer click an American "OK", but a proper
Kiwi "Bugger".

Exclusive programs available with Whundows Tu Thoosand: Spacies (Ex
"Calculator") Doodles (Ex "Painter") Procrastinator (Ex "Notepad") Dodgy (Ex
"Internet Explorer")

Microsoft "We Fucken Rule!".


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                             Bad Joke de jour...

What did the Buddhist say to the Hot Dog Vendor?

"Make me one with everything".


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Another quickie from UK Knickers


A guy is in this pub and he asks an UIrishman what is the quickest route to
Dublin.

The Irishman says "Are you walkin' or do you have a car?".

The guy says "Oh I have my car".

The Irishman says "well the car would be the quickest"!

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A new variation from the West

                           Christmas cake recipe

For a delicious Christmas cake, take care to follow the instructions below.

Ingredients:

1 X Cup of Water
1 X Teaspoon of Baking Soda
1 X Cup of Sugar
1 X Teaspoon of Salt
1 X Cup of Brown Sugar
1 X Portion of Butter
1 X Bottle of Vodka
1 X Large Lemon
4 X Large Eggs
1 X Bag of mixed nuts
2 X Cups of mixed Fruit

Instructions:

1 . Sample the Vodka to ensure it's quality.

2 . Take a Large Mixing Bowl

3 . Check the Vodka again. To be sure it's of the highest quality pour one
level cup, and drink.

4 . Repeat 3.

5 . Turn on the eccentric mixer. Beat one cup of bu-butter in a large fluffy
bowl.

6 . Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to check
if the Vodka is shtillll ok.

7 . Try another cup.. just in case.

8 . Turn off the mixerer

9 . Break two leggs and add to the bowl and throw in the fried druit.

10. Pick the fruit back up off the floor.

11. Mix on the turnerer

12. If the fried druit get shtuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a
screwscriver.

13. Sample the Vodka to check for tonsisticity

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a shit Check the
fuggin Vodka to be absulately involved in it Now shift the lemon juice and
strain your nuts, Add one large table. Add a spoon of sugar or somfink,
whatever you can

find, gravy will do. Greash the Oven, and piss in the fridge Turn the cake
tin 360 degrees, but try not to fall over. Do'nt forget to beat off the
turnerer

& gt; Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Vodka and kick
the cat. Fall into Bed............... Cherry Mistmas.


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>From Nicki AO

           Five Months in the Corporate Evolution of Casual day

Week 1: Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day.
Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for
Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Week 6: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning
Friday's wardrobe, remember that image is a key to our success.

Week 8: A seminar on how to dress fro Casual Day will be held at 4 PM Friday
in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member taskforce has been
appointed to prepare guidelines for proper Casual Day dress.

Week 14: The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual
entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has
been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What
You Wear" and consult the "home casual" vs " business casual" checklist
before leaving for work each Friday.

Week 18: Our Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide
support for psychological counselling for employees who may be having
difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20: Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to
effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will now be
discontinued, effective immediately.


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      Some famous sayings sent in by Paul Jeffery

    Click here

    Click here

    Click here


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    More graphic stuff sourced mainly by yours truly, Wayne and a couple of
    others ... MORE GRAPHICS PLEASE!


Nearly Christmas Click here

Real economy Click here

The bleeding obvious Click here

Windoze Click here

Salary review Click here

Neat driving Click here

The power of viagra Click here

Yellow card Click here

Wet pants Click here

Cute Click here

(*) Suck it and see Click here

[ (*) The above clip doesn't seem to play with some copies of Internet
Exploder.  They fire up a Quicktime plug-in, load the clip down, but
then do absolutely nothing.  The clip plays fine via Netscape with MS
Media Player as the helper.  But then again, the latest Apple Quicktime
players for MS Windows PCs do seem to break things quite badly anyway.
I've had to uninstall all the QT players which I've installed in the last
12 months. (Tony, Bluehaze Webmaster - Dec 2, 2001) ]

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    From the Biggus Magpie fan:

                                Farmer Dick

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he
was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page
and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the
female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving
his wife with a confused look on her face. About an hour later, he returns
all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't,
but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can't tell."

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    And from Maria Harding:

                                    Noah

If Noah had lived in the United States in 2000, the story may have gone
something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, in one year, I am going to make it rain
and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed, but I
want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing
on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark. In a flash of
lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and
trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. Remember, said
the Lord, you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year.

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the
seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in
his front yard weeping. Noah! He shouted. Where is the Ark? Lord, please
forgive me, cried Noah. I did my best, but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet
the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a
sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.

Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.

Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a
ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.
S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However,
the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls. The carpenters
formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the
National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer.
Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued
me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is
pending. Mean while, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark
without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over
the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.

Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood
plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not
taking atheists aboard. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm
building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I
just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and
failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft.

And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further
construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a
religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can
finish the Ark for another five or six years.

Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas
began to calm. A rainbow arced across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. You
mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord? No, He said sadly. I don't
have to. The government already has.

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   More stuff from the West - including the latest Dilbert Newsletter ...

                     True Quotes from Induhviduals

Here are more true quotes submitted by DNRC members. Most of these are from
managers. As you will see, Induhviduals are confused by anything involving
critters or body parts.

"It's an exercise in fertility."

"Hindsight is 50-50."

"Just use your own excretion."

"You are never going to fail unless you try."

"We're scraping the bottom of the iceberg."

"Today is like the day Rome was built in. We can't afford to have any
fiddlers."

"The project is going down the toilet in flames."

"He might be barking at a red herring."

"You're treading on thin water."

I think he meant we should cross our T's and dot our I's but it came out
this way: "Be sure we all cross our eyes."

"He's as deaf as a bat."

"We don't want to stick our necks out and get our asses chopped off."

"I gave him a real mouthful."

"I really took the bull by the hands."

"He doesn't know his hole from an ass in the ground."

"You should talk to her. She is a minefield of information."

"I can't remember but it's right on the tip of my head!"

"You can lead a pig to pearls..." and then he trailed off.

"Thanksgiving is early this year because the first Thursday fell on a
Monday."

"The skeleton is there. You just have to sharpen it and put the decorations
on the tree."

And this last quote, which may or may not have come from Osama: "We need an
escape goat."

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                     Things Not To Say in a Restroom

As I entered the restroom, a co-worker who had just finished his business,
turned to me and said, "Oh, hey, Brent, I was just thinking about you."


At my last job, just as I was entering a restroom, a co-worker said, "Say,
can I grab you when you're done?"

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                         True Tales of Induhviduals


One of the young ladies in our office is getting ready for her "dream"
vacation to Mount Rushmore. My colleague asked her to bring him back a
picture of the other side of the mountain. When she asked why, he proceeded
to convince her that on the other side of Mount Rushmore are the backs of
the presidents, on their knees, with their heads stuck into the mountain.
She is so excited that she is going to look for a special tour of the
backside.



I went to a home improvement store to buy a new faucet for my kitchen sink.
I did not see the particular model I had in mind, so I asked one of the
Induhvidual employees for assistance.

He said, "We stopped selling that model because it was the number one theft
item in the store." I waited to hear the punchline, until I realised he was
serious.

I might have to find a new home improvement store if they ever achieve their
goal of carrying no products worth stealing.



During a round of layoffs at the company, a farewell card for one
unfortunate cow-orker was circulated. People were signing the card with
"good luck!" and "Been great working with you" and so on. When the card got
to the desk of one manager, he did not bother to read the card. He just
wrote "Happy Birthday" and signed his name.



A pool hall put up a sign in their front window that read: "Profound
language prohibited within." I could just imagine some people discussing the
meaning of life and being told to take it outside.



While traveling on business in Norfolk, Nebraska, I noticed a Ramada Inn
sign:

"Plan your next affair here"

The next day the sign was taken down.



At a business lunch, platters of calamari were passed down the tables. As a
platter reached one of the employee's wives, she was heard to remark during
an unfortunate lull in the conversation, "No, thanks. I never eat anything
with testicles attached."

The stricken silence lasted a few moments. Then 150 people lost it.



I work in a camera store. An Induhvidual came in and said his camera wasn't
working and asked me if I could look at it. I agreed and said I would check
the battery first. The Induhvidual said, "I've had this battery for five
years and I've never had any problems with it before."

I changed the battery and the camera worked.



I would like to shove a live bear cub up my boss's nose and then have the
mother bear go after him whenever he opens a phone conversation with, "Hi
buddy how's it going yeah me too!"



My boss was having a discussion with another employee about some work rules
that pertain to people doing manual labor. He said these rules don't apply
to us because we don't use manuals.



Yesterday my boss called me and said, "Effective immediately, I want you to
stop your current activity and start working on this new area." When I asked
specifically what I was supposed to do, he replied: "It was not my intention
to give you a task today, just a mind-set!"


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    Quote of the week:


   "Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind."

                                                  - John Fitzgerald Kennedy
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[ End Friday humour ]



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