Friday humour - November 09, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

   Hi Ho in Melbourne Cup week - we trust all those who took a long weekend
   made the best of it and send a cherio to all our IT gurus slaving away at
   the conference in Surfers Paradise.  Thank goodness for Russell's termites
   which at least resulted in us having one computing guru chonking away at
   Clayton this week.


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      We start this week with a selection from Dave from Highett:

                               WHOOPS!

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted
husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some
aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time being spoiled
by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after
sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still
early, she decided to go to the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she
would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was
not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and
having a little kiss here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him
and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partnerhigh and dry
and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go
as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he
whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went
to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put
the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he
would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and
asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know
I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never
even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some
other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're
not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"

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                          The bunny and the snake

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an
orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were
blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the
snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the
snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since
I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite okay," replied
the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been
blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I
could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least
you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the
bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're
covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and
you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh, thank
you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and
help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all
over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked
tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a computer
programmer, or possibly someone in upper management."

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                                   Pigs

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When
they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate, how we
gonna tell who owns which fookin pig? Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a
ta' ears off my fookin pig, and t'en we can tell 'em apart" "Ah tat'd be
grand" says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the
house. "Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin
pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who
owns which fookin pig?" "Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off
my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will 'ave
an ear" "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again
stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the
other ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin
ears. How wgonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah tis is serious, Paddy"
said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail offa my fookin pig.
T'en we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the
house once more. "PADDY" shouted Paddy Your fookin pig has chewed the fookin
tail offa my fookin pig and now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears
and no fookin tails! How the fook are we gonna tell em apart now? "Ah fook
it" says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white
one."


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    From those deviants in the West

                         Chain letter guilt

Hello, my name is James & I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50
billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that
if you send them on, a poor
6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to
raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to
a traveling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to
give you, and everyone to whom you send email, $1000? How stupid are you?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid
by every good looking model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit.

Basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who
have nothing better to do! Than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe
the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in
my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and
brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower. Fuck them. If
you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly
amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends" and
this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel
from some omniscient being. I don't fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing
to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity.
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave
you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's
funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a
leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27
years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if
you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your
underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

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    A Short anonymous contribution


                         Training Courses for Women

    The following Training courses are now available for women:

01. Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

02. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking: Making Deposits.

03. Combating The Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Don't Need New Shoes Everyday.

04. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

05. Management: Discover How Household Chores Can Wait Until After The Game.

06. Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too.

07. Bathroom Etiquette 2: His Razor Is His.

08. Communication Skills 1: Tears - The Last Resort, Not The First.

09. Communication Skills 2: Thinking Before Speaking.

10. Communication Skills 3: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

11. Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You Must Work To Aquire.

12. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.

13. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up.

14. Introduction to Parking.

15. Introduction to Petrol.

16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

17. Advanced Petrol: How To Take The Filler Cap Off.

18. Water Retention: Fact or Fat.

19. Cooking 1: Bran And Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption.

20. Cooking 2: How Not To Inflict Your Diet On Other People.

21. PMS: Your Problem... Not His.

22. Dancing: Sober Men Don't Like To.

23. Sex - It's For The Married Couple Too.

24. Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes You Already Have.

25. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

26. TV Remotes: For Men Only.


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A musical pun from Colin N

                 If Sinatra had been a programmer ...

&now($the_end == 'near') && so(); $i->face($the, $#curtain);
my ($friends, $i, $say); $it->clear();
  $i->state(my $case_of); `which $i->m('certain')`;
$i->lived($a_life{'thats full'}), $i->travelled($each &&
$every{'highway'});
&more($much > $this), $i->did($it); my $way;


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Our graphics this week come from Aaron, Beryl, QCAT, and you know who you
are ...


Card shop Click here

Cool breakfast Click here

Password please Click here

Nice start Click here

Dick's story Click here

Flying jocks Click here

You're my mate Click here

The difference of 6 beers Click here

Trowser snake Click here

Manners Click here

Bull's revenge Click here

Hammer out that tune Click here

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             From Bryan McNichol in the UK


A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides
to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to
see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her
hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very
nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As
she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on
him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the
$5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint
account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she
loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money, and then he ... very logically ... married the one with the biggst
tits.

Surely you didn't think men have changed!


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    And oldie but a goodie, then a new series of quickies from QCAT

                    AN INTRODUCTORY LANGUAGE LESSON

Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what New Zealanders
are saying? Just by following these easy steps you too can hold a
conversation with a New Zealander. What you hear and what it really means:

BETTING: "Betting Gloves" are worn by betsmen in crucket.

BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the "nick" and the "billy"

BUGGER: As in "mine is bugger than yours".

CHULLY BUN: Also known as an Esky

DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy.

ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like "Surria", "E-Jupp" and
"Libernon".

EKKA DYMOCKS: University staff

GUESS: Flammable vapour used in stoves.

SENDLES: Thongs, open shoes

COLOUR: Terminator , murderer.

CUSS: Kiss

PHAR LAP: NZ's famous horse which was actually christened "PHILLIP".

ERROR ROUTE: As in "Arnotts mulk error route buskets".

FITTER CHENEY: A type of long flat pasta not to be confused with "rugger tony".

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                               Eyesight...

An old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defence lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you
saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your
eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"


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                             The Moyel...

Did you hear about the Rabbi who did free circumcisions?

He only took tips.


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                             A Dog's Duty:

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home
one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said
firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

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                       Got to Love That Guinness...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of
drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll
give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of
Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even
leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and
taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness.

Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all
back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan
gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did
you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I went to the pub down the street to see if I
could do it first."


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                          Mommy's Two Stoves...

Four year old Rebecca asked her mommy, "Do we have two stoves?"

"Yes," answered her mum, "the one downstairs we burn wood in."

To which Rebecca answered "Oh yeah, and the one up here we burn food in."


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             Finally an oldie from Nestor on Lake Michigan

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and
one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat
dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as
well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and
they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and
hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and
begin to unwrap their "dogs."

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment,
she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

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                              Quote of the Week
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  "He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"

   - Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's
     substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with
     Ireland in Seville, 1992
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[ End Fri humour ]



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