Friday humour - November 02, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

   Yo - it's been a miserable cold week in Melbournetown.  Hopefully this
   selection of jokes will warm things up.  Like this two-liner from Biggus.

   What do you get when you goose a ghost?
   A handful of sheet.
                       ~ & # ( % #@ _ ^ $ * ~


   Firstly the solution to last weeks connundrum as posed by Tony.

   Michael Lim, currently in the US, won the chocolates writing ...

"Rob has ten piles of $1 coins, with each pile being identified (numbered
from one to ten) and a an accurate weighing scale. Each pile contains 10
coins.

He knows that one entire pile is counterfeit. He also knows the weight of a
genuine coin, and has furthermore been told that the counterfeit coins each
weigh one gram more than a genuine coin.

How can Rob determine which is the bogus pile in just one weighing operation?

By taking one coin from pile one, two coins from pile two and three coins
from pile three etc. And weight just once to figure out which pile is the
culpit."

[  Tony's response   -   Yep, you got it (and so did Wayne more or less). As
you say above, take 1 from pile 1, 2 from pile 2 etc, which means you
normally get a pile with a total weight of X*(1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8+9+10) grams (X
being the weight of a normal coin, which you know).  This = 55X grams. So if
the total weight was (say) 55X+3 grams, you know that pile 3 is the
counterfeit one. If the total weight was 55X+7 grams, you know that pile 7
is the counterfeit one, and so on.  ]
     - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -


First up this week a couple from our intrepid Minerals Administrator
Extraordinaire up at QCAT - Anne (JJJ) Porter

                             What's Sex

An 8 year old girl went to her dad who was working in the yard listening to
ABC youth radio JJJ, and asked,

"Daddy, what's sex ?" The father is surprised that she would ask such a
question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then
she is old enough to get an answer.

He tells her about the birds and the bees; the egg and the sperm; and the
male and the female.

When he had finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her
mouth opened, so her father asked her, " why did you ask such a question ?"

The little girl explained that, "Mum told me to tell you that dinner would
be ready in just a couple of secs.
     - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -


Once upon a time a very old and once respected Australian company and a new,
progressive Japanese company decided to have a boat race on the Brisbane
River whilst listening to ABC youth radio JJJ.  Both teams practiced long
and hard to reach their peak performance. The Japanese company easily won.

After the race the Australian team became discouraged by their loss and
their morale sagged. The management of the Corporation decided that the
reason for their crushing defeat had to be found. Consequently a
"Performance Measurement Team " made up of "Senior Executives" was
established to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

Their conclusion

The problem was that the Japanese Team had 8 people rowing and one person
steering, whereas the Australian Team had 1 person rowing and 8 people
steering. The Australian Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a
consulting firm to study the management structure of the team. After some
time and several draft reports the consulting firm concluded that, "too many
people were steering and not enough people were rowing".

To prevent losing to the Japanese team again the following year the
management structure was changed to " 4 Executive Steering Managers, 3
Regional Steering Managers and 1 District Steering Manager" and a new
performance incentive scheme was initiated for the person rowing the boat to
provide the incentive required to work harder and become an " Excellence
Rated " performer. Satisfaction, Empowerment and Enrichment was what it was
all about.

The next year the Japanese team won by an even greater margin. The
Australian company retrenched the rower for poor performance, sold the oars,
cancelled all planned capital improvements and halted further canoe
development. Special Recognition Awards were awarded to the consulting firm
and the money saved was distributed to the company Senior Executives as
bonuses.
     - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -


And from Brett in the store

                             The Outdoor BBQ

   It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to
   do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

(1) The woman goes to the store.

(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
    the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging
    beside the grill, drinking a beer.

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

(10)The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing
    her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
     - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -

A few quickies from Dave over at Highett

                        NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God,
she asked, "Is my time up? " God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2
months and 8 days to live".

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face
lift, liposuction and a tummytuck. Since she had so much more time to live,
she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another
40+ years? How come you didn't pull me out of the path of that ambulance"?

God replied, "I didn't recognise you.
     - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -


                                 GO GIRL!

An award should go to the Ansett Airlines gate attendant in Sydney for being
smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger
who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett's 767s had been withdrawn
from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced
travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped
his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it
HAS to be FIRST CLASS."

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out. " The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard
clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO
DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please
come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the
Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said. "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to
get in line for that, too".
     - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -

And from Kevin in Arizona

         ATTENTION ALL REFUGEES THINKING OF COMING TO AUSTRALIA

  If you are currently suffering religious, racial or ethnic persecution or
  even financial hardships and are considering Australia as your destination,
  please consider the following:

1 Although Australia is a large continent, only small areas are actually
  worth living in and believe it or not these areas are already full of people.

2 The vast majority of the country is uninhabitable due to the large number
  of poisonous snakes, spiders and man eating crocodiles.

3 Due to the hole in the Ozone layer, you cannot live in the sun unprotected
  for more than 15 minutes and sunscreen costs exceed 40% of the average
  Australian wage.

4 Australia is in the process of beefing up their defence forces, F111
  Fighter bombers, Orion coastal patrol aircraft and Fa 18 aircraft all scour
  our oceans looking for your ships, while the world renowned and feared
  Collins class submarines are the invisible death lurking undetectable
  beneath our seas.

New Zealand would be a much more suitable place to go:

1 The land mass is virtually devoid of any population, most came to
  Australia years ago, unlike Australia, there's plenty of room!

2 During the last 1000 years or so any dangerous animal larger than a Pea
  has gone extinct from the Island, the Friendly Native Maori's have eaten
  them all.

3 The wonderful climate of New Zealand ensures clouds preserve you from the
  effects of dangerous UV radiation.

4 The New Zealand Defence force is currently in the process of selling it's
  remaining tigermoth biplane, Bill and Wazza of the New Zealand Navy have
  taken their tin Dingy and quit. Sailing into New Zealand is simplicity
  itself!

  The beautiful scenery, The Maori's peaceful and friendly nature, promiscuous
  sheep and the joys of living in a first world country where water and power
  is available almost 80% of the time! Any currency you bring with you will
  instantly boost you to levels of wealth you never expected as New Zealand's
  exchange rate with your county of origin is bound to be favourable!

Listen to some testimonials:

Amatoli Hizradda: "At first I had my heart set on Australia, but with the
50 Drachmas change I had in my pocket, I've purchased a large farmhouse and
2000 sheep!"

Pong pen VNeue: " I'd never heard of New Zealand and when I got here I found
no Triads or gangs to hold me ransom, so I started one!"

Slobadan Milocovich: " I was suffering great hardships in my country due to
United Nations persecution, I'm safe here in New Zealand as the UN doesn't
even know it exists!"
     - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -

    And from Little Di ...

                         How to shower

                   How to shower like a woman...

Take off all clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way,
cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine
about getting fat.

Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide
loofah and pumice stone

Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins, 'cos
you're worth it.

Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

After all you're worth it.

Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural
crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw.

Wash rest of body entirely in ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come
off.

Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed
instead.

Scream loudly when husband flushed toilet causing the loss of water pressure and
turning it red hot.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with suitable mould
remover or Tilex.

Get out of shower and dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails or tweezers
(if you can find them).

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to
spend an hour and a half getting ready.


                       How to shower like a man...

Take of clothes while sitting on bed and leave them on the floor in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her and shout 'wey
hey!"

Look in mirror and suck in gut and admire your manly physique.

Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last
whiff.

Get in shower.

Don't bother to look for wash cloth because you do not need one.

Wash face and armpits.

Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.

Wash bollocks and surrounding area.

Wash arse remembering to leave some fetching hair on the soap.

Shampoo hair but don't condition.

Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back the curtain to see self in the
mirror.

Piss in shower.

Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on floor because
curtain has been outside of shower for the whole time.

Partially dry off.

Look at self in the mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.

Leave bathroom light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel,
grab knob and go "yeah baby!" whilst thrusting pelvis towards her.

Put on yesterdays clothes.
     - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -


The non-ascii stuff this issue have arrived from all and sundry including
Ben, Anne JJJ, DavidA, Beryl, SteveH, SarahB, Lisa with a T, PaulF, and
Kerosene Steve:

Hotdog Click here

Donkey vote Click here

What a whopper Click here

The average week Click here

Caught receiving Click here

Thirsty pussie Click here

Sucker Click here

Fair dinkum Aussie Windows Click here

Last chip Click here

High dive Click here

MGM Waterbabies of 1935 Click here
     - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -


The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as
they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My
husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as
she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she
replied with a knowing smile.

"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in
two shakes."

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man
clapping his hands together in mid-air.

"Who the devil are you!"  the husband demanded.

"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of
these pesky moths," the lover replied.

"But .. but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.

The lover looked down, jumped backwards in an apparent surprise and said,
"Oh God, those little bastards!"
     - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -

       From sunny QCAT, another Round of ALL NEW Pick-Ups Lines ...
       well nearly all new!

1. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet
clothes.

2. Nice legs... what time do they open?

3. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

4. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

5. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking
   to you.

6. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have
   you seen one?

7. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

8. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

9. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all
   day long for a quarter.

10. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

11. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

13. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light
   switch away.

14. Are those real?

15. You can feel the magic between us... No, lower!

16. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for
   that thing you do with your tongue.

17. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning!

18. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

19. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any Questions?

20. F*ck me if I'm wrong but is your name Helga?

21. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

22. My name is (name)... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

23. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

24. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

25. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."

26. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

27. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

28. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

29. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we
    could do it in public.

30. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? What you don't like pizza?

31. I may not be Dairy Queen but I'll treat you right.

32. Baby, I'm an American Express lover... you shouldn't go home without me.

33. Do you sleep on your stomach at night? Can I???

34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
     - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -

A treat from Rosalie Louey

                     CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE RECIPE

You'll need the following:

1 C water                 1 tsp. baking soda
1 C sugar                 1 C brown sugar
4 large eggs              lemon juice
2 C dried fruit           nuts
1 tsp. salt               1 FULL bottle of your favourite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl.  Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the
highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.  Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer.

Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix
on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or
something. Who cares. Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar
or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off
the turner.

Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway??!!
     - - -0- - - - - -0- - - - - -0- - - - - -0- - - - - -0- - -

           From Biggus

                      Quotes from George Dubya

"I think we can agree. The past is over."

"I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made."

"It was just inebriating what the Midlands was all about then." (A slip on
exhilarating)

"It's clearly the budget. It has a lot of numbers on it."

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."

"Will highways on the internet become more few?"

"Like your neighbour just like you like to be liked yourself."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? Laura and I really
don't realise just how bright our children is."

"I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It's pretty close to
California. More so than Washington, D. C. is close to California."

"I propose that every city have a telephone number 119 -- for dyslexics who
have an emergency."

"There ought to be limits to freedom." Said about parody websites of him.

"I believe that we are on an irreversible trend toward democracy and more
freedom- but that could change."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any governor, and that one
word is 'to be prepared.'"

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the
future."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the poles."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about, in terms of not having it."

"We are ready for any unseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"We have a firm committment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe; we are a part of Europe."

"Who is to blame for riots? The rioters are to blame."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this
century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this
century."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

"It isn't pollution that's ruining the environment; it's all the impurities
in the air and water that's doing it."

"It's time the human race entered the solar system."
     - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -


       The quote of the week courtesy of Shorty:

                   Two rules for life ...

                   1. Don't tell people everything you know.
                   2.
     - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -  - - fin - -  - - -0- - -  - - -0- - -

[ End Fri humour ]


 Previous (October 26, 2001)  Index Next (November 09, 2001)