Friday humour - October 26, 2001

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Yo,
    Dunno about you but I've been missing the puzzles, so I might just drop
    the occasional one in again, starting this week.

    Humour for today comes courtesy of Maria and Steve the Harding, Steve
    Kerassitis, QCAT, and John K over at the old CUB brewing company.  And
    a few other bods have also forwarded on some pics for you as well.

    First up, though, an old brain teaser (lifted from Martin Gardner's
    Penguin paperback, "Mathematical Puzzles and Diversions" ...)
                         ------------------------

                              COUNTERFEIT COINS

Rob has ten piles of $1 coins, with each pile being identified (numbered from
one to ten) and a an accurate weighing scale.  Each pile contains 10 coins.

He knows that one entire pile is counterfeit.  He also knows the weight of a
genuine coin, and has furthermore been told that the counterfeit coins each
weigh one gram more than a genuine coin.

How can Rob determine which is the bogus pile in just one weighing operation?

[ Answer next week ]
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       First up in the humour department, this little classic as forwarded
       on by Linda Ottery:
                         ------------------------

One New York suburban guy left for work on Sept 11 at about 6:00AM to go to
his office in the World Trade Centre.

But when he reached Manhattan, he went over to his lover's apartment in the
village, turned his bat phone off, and climbed into bed with her!

At about 10:00AM, while still lying next to her, he turned his bat phone on,
and a second later it rang.

He answered, and it was his wife, who promptly screamed at him, "Where are
you?  I've been trying to call you for an hour.  I've been worried sick about
you!!!"

He quickly answered, "Where do you THINK I am?  I'm in my office of course!"
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        On the same topic, there was this short piece passed on by
        Digitronics Steve Harding:
                         ------------------------

                      MANHATTAN - SEPTEMBER 11, 2032

A man and his son are walking through a highly built-up Manhattan when they
come across a large, empty space.  The father stops to reflect for a while.

"Imagine, son," the father says "exactly 31 years ago, the great twin towers
stood proudly in this area".

Intrigued by the comment the son then asks "What were the twin towers, dad?"

To which the father replies "they were two of the largest buildings in the
world and they housed many thousands of offices.  But in 2001, they were
destroyed by Arabs"

The son pauses for a while and then asks "What were Arabs, dad?"
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        Then there was this one as forwarded on by Maria the Harding:
                         ------------------------

                 HOW TO MAINTAIN A REASONABLE LEVEL OF INSANITY

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer
at passing cars and see if they slow down.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN"

In the memo field of all your cheques, write "For sexual favours".

Finish all your sentences with "... in accordance with the prophecy."

Dont use any punctuation marks

Ask people what sex they are.  Then laugh hysterically after they answer.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Put mosquito netting around your work area.  Then play a tape of jungle sounds
all day.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because
you're not in the mood.

When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won, I won!  Third time this week!!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling "Run for
your lives - they're loose!!"

Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let
one of you go."
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         And Steve Kero passed on the next cupla contributions:
                         ------------------------

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all
the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.

He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese
Bar & Grill."

"Moishe Plotnik?" he muses.  "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the establishment and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind
the bar.  The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe
Plotnik's Bar & Grill?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, ist right here," replies the old man.

"YOU??  How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"

"Ist zimple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when com to this country,
was stand in line at Documentation Center.  Man in front is Jewish gentleman
from Poland.  Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Moishe
Plotnik.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, "Sem Ting."

                           -----=====#--#--#=====-----


I know that this type of thing has been going around for a while - but I
really like Dave's response

The date of the attack: 9/11 - 9 + 1  + 1 = 11

September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 + 4 = 11

After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year.

119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 = 11

Twin Towers - standing side by side, looks like the number 11

The first plane to hit the towers was Flight 11

    But there's more .......

State of New York - The 11th State added to the Union

New York City  - 11 Letters

Afghanistan - 11 Letters

The Pentagon - 11 Letters

Ramzi Yousef - 11 Letters (convicted or orchestrating the attack on the
WTC in 1993)

Flight 11  - 92 on board - 9 + 2 = 11

Flight 77 - 65 on board - 6 + 5 = 11
     ------------------------------------

         (Dave's response to this ...)

Oh my God!  How worried should I be?  There are 11 letters in the name
"David Pawson!"  I'm going into hiding NOW.  See you in a few weeks.

Wait a sec ... just realised "YOU CAN'T HIDE" also has 11 letters!  What am
I gonna do?  Help me!!!  The terrorists are after me!  ME!  I can't believe it!
Oh crap, there must be someplace on the planet Earth I could hide!

But no ... "PLANET EARTH" has 11 letters too!  Maybe Nostradamus can help
me.  But dare I trust him?  There are 11 letters in "NOSTRADAMUS."

I know - the Red Cross can help.  Arrgghh, no they can't ... 11 letters in
"THE RED CROSS" - can't trust them either then.

I'd rely on self-defence, but "SELF DEFENSE" has 11 letters in it too.  Can
someone help?

Anyone?  If so, send me email ... no, don't, "SEND ME EMAIL" has 11 letters ...

Will this never end, I'm going insane!  Oh no - "GOING INSANE"  Eleven letters!

Nooooooooooo!!!!!!   I guess I'll die alone, even though "I'LL DIE ALONE"
has 11 letters ...

Oh my God, I just realised that America is doomed!  Our Independence Day is
July 4th ... 7/4 ... 7+4 = 11!

   ~Dave

  PS. "IT'S BULLSHIT" has 11 letters also.
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        To the pics and noises now.   First up, a couple of cute little
        ones from Maria H (could be good to mail to your friends :-)
                         ------------------------

     Laugh #1: Click here
     Laugh #2: Click here

        This movie (commercial) was sent in by Steve Kero:

     La Creme: Click here

        And this one was sent over from sunny QCAT (bit racist, this - sorry):

     Why Palestinians use rocks: Click here

        And from Jonian Nikolov, a diabolical plan:

     The plan: Click here

        This one from Michael Chapman (disgusting, or fascinating?):

     Oink: Click here

        Some of you will remember the "Day-o" song from the Oct 12 FH.  Here's
        a video version (passed on by my daughter - Rosie), but you'll need
        the Macromedia Flash Player plug-in to watch it.  Click on this link
        if you don't have that player - Click here

     Day-O (the video): Click here

        A bit more Guido here - the original cupla tracks were included in
        the 28/9/01 FH Click here if you missed 'em):


     Guido rings the Pope: Click here

        Lost track of who sent these two (and beware - slightly X-rated :-):

     His: Click here
     Hers: Click here
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       Enough of that!  Over to CUB now and the old Melbourne malt brewing
       factory now for this little collection - from John the Klimek:
                         ------------------------

                  20 WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR TOILET STALL MATE

Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, "May I
borrow a highlighter?"

Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily
function noise.

Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!  My glass eye!"

Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that colour before."

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into
the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet.  Sigh relaxingly.

Say, "Now how did that get there?"

Say, "Humus.  Reminds me of humus."

Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew.  Squirt it erratically under the
stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa!  Easy boy!"

Say, "Interesting ... more floaters than sinkers."

Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper
and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbour.  Then say, "Whoops,
could you kick that back over here please?"

Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!  Don't fall asleep on me."

Fill a balloon with creamed corn.  Rush into the stall with your hand over your
mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon
and splatter cream corn all about.  Apologise profusely and blame it on the
fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.

Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.  Now what am I gonna
do?"

Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers
Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your
neighbour and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".
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       Next piece of written humour's been around before in slightly
       different forms, but well worth a read if you haven't seen it
       before.  Another Steve Kero contribution:
                         ------------------------

    Mr Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic
expectations.  Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect
that ranges above the common ground squirrel.  After your consistent and
annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our
duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of
our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything
I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time,
but also a waste of precious oxygen.  I was hired because I know about Unix, and
you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees,
who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste"
for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers.  Something as incredibly simple as binary
still gives you too many options.  You will also never understand why people
hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure
this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.  Your shiny new
iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others.
You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your
interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on
overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.

In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone
else eats and laughs at.  Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert
principle.  Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting
a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation.

However, I do have a few parting thoughts:

1.  When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give
me a bad recommendation.  The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to
comment."  I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years
to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2.  I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every
password you have used for the last five years.  If you decide to get cute,
I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved
when you made me back up your useless files.  I do believe that terms like
"Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3.  When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers
birthday", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures
of yourself in the mirror nude.  Then you forgot to erase them like the
techno-moron you really are.  Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts
with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that they have been copied and kept in
safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try
to use the spell checker please - I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk
by 8:00 am tomorrow.  One word of this to anybody, and all of your little
twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.  Never f*** with your
systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

   Sincerely,

      Ted Brewer
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                 And a couple more from John at CUB (why not?) ...
                         ------------------------

A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site.  A
worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted, "Hi, Emily!  Remember me?  We
used to date in the secondary school!"

On the way home, her millionaire husband teased her, "Luckily you married
me!  Otherwise you'd be the wife of a construction worker."

She answered, "You should appreciate that you married me.  Otherwise he'd
be the millionaire instead of you."

                           -----=====#--#--#=====-----


Paddy the Irishman was shipwrecked on a desert island.  Unconscious for hours,
he lay face down in the sandy beach, and was found in this condition by a
tribe of cannibals.  When he awoke, he found himself tied up in a great big
cauldron, full to the brim with water, vegetables, and loads of lovely herbs
and spices floating all around.

As he came to his senses, the chief cannibal grabbed him by the hair and
shook him violently saying, "D'ye see this spear?  Well, I'm gonna ram this
into your neck, an' kill ye, and then we're gonna eat ye."  (The chief was
originally from Dublin, but had emigrated years earlier)

Paddy said nothing, and then the chief took several paces back, faced Paddy,
and started to run at him with the spear out before him.  As he reached Paddy,
he noticed that Paddy was laughing.

He stopped, and said to him, "Do you realise what I just said to you?"

At which Paddy was again in stitches, spilling water from the cauldron onto
the sand.

"I'm gonna ram this spear into your neck and you're gonna die, an we're gonna
melt you down and eat you."

So, again the chief took a run at Paddy, and again stopped a few inches
short. "Are you thick or sometin', what are you laughin' at ?  Do ye not
realise that you're gonna die?"

Again the chief took another run at Paddy and stopped short again.

"Is there something funny about all this that I don't see?"

"Yeah", says Paddy, "every time you run at me with that spear, I keep shittin'
in the pot."
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             Up to sunny QCAT now for these two little tales ...
                         ------------------------

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I
want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a
big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible,
and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed.  "You're certainly a courageous woman," he
said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

                           -----=====#--#--#=====-----


Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular
teacher.

She says "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy!  And when you say my name, class, don't
forget that it has an "r" after the first letter."

So the entire class chants, "Hello Mrs. Prussy"

A few days later, the regular teacher is still sick.  When Johnny gets to his
desk, the teacher asks what her name is.  Johnny thinks hard and then says to
her, "Err ... well, I do remember it has an "R" after the first letter ..."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then, after a few seconds, Johnny pipes up, "Mrs. Crunt?"
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        Finally for this week (for those one or two of you who are still
        with us), there was this rather cute contribution from Maria Harding:
                         ------------------------

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They
looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there
that night.  Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who
has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order
with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.  The couple took a table near
the back wall and started taking food off the tray.  There was one hamburger,
one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half.  He placed one half in front of his wife.  Then he carefully counted out
the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in
front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get
restless.  Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old
couple.  All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over
to the old couples' table.  He politely offered to buy another meal for the
old couple to eat.

The old man replied that they were just fine.  They were used to sharing
everything.  Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten
a bite.

She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink.  Again the young man came over and begged them to let him
buy them something to eat.

This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything
together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a
napkin, the young man simply couldn't stand it any longer.  Again he came over
to their table and offered to buy some food.  After being politely refused
again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady.

"Ma'am, WHY aren't YOU eating?  You said that you share everything.  What is
it that you are waiting for?"

She answered ...


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"The teeth."
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[ End Friday humour ]



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