Friday humour - October 19, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

Greetings! - This week's Joke of the Week about a baby photographer
comes from the prolific senderinerer Dave Allnutt over at CSIRO's
Highett site.  The happiest CSIRO site in Melbourne.  They're so happy
over there that they may be closed down at any minute.  And what a
wonderful housing estate it would be ...
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But firstly one from Ben in wet and windy Wellington ...

                             HI HO SILVER!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy
who yells, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whisky, slams down the glass, turns and says,
"It's my horse.  Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks and him and says, "Well, your horse is standing there in
the sun and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad
shape, suffering from heat exhaustion.  The Lone Ranger moves his horse into
the shade and gets a bucket of water.  He then pours some of the water over
the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.  It is then he notices that
there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver
to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.  Being a faithful friend,
Tonto starts running around Silver.

The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realises there is not much more
he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whisky.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that
outside?"  Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse,
what is wrong with him now?"

"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left
your Injun running."

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      And the Allnutt Highett selection (also passed on by our trusty
      Illinois correspondent, Nestor Z).  I think there's something in
      this for all of us:


      YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN THE NAUGHTIES (as in - 00's) WHEN:

1.  You accidentally try to enter your password on the microwave.

2.  You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3.  You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4.  You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

5.  Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have
    e-mail addresses.

6.  When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in
    a business manner.

7.  When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "0" to get
    an outside line.

8.  You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different
    companies.

9.  Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

10. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.

11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your
    best jokes.

13. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
    long-service awards.

15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries
    annual budgets combined.

16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience,
    terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

18. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest
    features while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up

19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.

20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department
    desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants
    advising your boss's boss on strategy.

21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

        AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"

24. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already,
but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.

25. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to
send you jokes from the net.

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                         IT'S TOUGH BEING A GUY

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.  If you don't work
enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.  If you
have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and
find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favouritism.  If she gets a job ahead
of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.  If you keep quiet,
it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.  If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.  If she
makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.  If she
asks you, it's a favour.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.  If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.  If you don't, you're not
thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.  If you're not, you're
not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.  If you have a headache, you don't love
her any more.

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                             MISCOMMUNICATION

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate
father to start their family.  On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off.  The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the doorbell, hoping to make sale.

"Good morning madam.  I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain.  I've been expecting you,"  Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me.  I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch
and perhaps a couple on the bed.  Sometimes the living room floor is fun too;
you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.  But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.  I'd love to be in and
out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother
was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

Yes, I'm afraid so.  I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right.  People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too.  The mother
was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate.  Then
darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.  Finally when the squirrels
began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your equipment!"

"That's right.  Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
we can get to work."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.  It's much too big for
me to hold very long."

"Madam?  Madam? ... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.  The
teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade.  My sister is in the
third grade and I'm smarter than she is!  I think I should be in the third
grade too!"

The teacher had had enough.  She took Johnny to the principal's office.  While
Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was.  The principal told the teacher he would give the boy
a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to
the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.  Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained
to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should
know.  The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can
go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"  The
principal and Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Johnny replied ; "Pockets."

Now no reactions or special face symbols on Johnny's face.  He was so cool!

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?

Johnny: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Johnny was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky

Johnny: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog
do on three legs?

Johnny: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, answer me.

Johnny: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me.  You tie me down to get me up.  I
get wet before you do.

Johnny: tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me.  You fiddle with me when you're bored.  The best
man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tensed.

Johnny: wedding ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes.  When I'm not well, I drip.  When you blow me,
you feel good.

Johnny: nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft.  My tip penetrates.  I come with a quiver.

Johnny: arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
excitement?

Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in
the fifth grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.

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    And a surprising contribution to the very serious CSIRO Forum list ...

                          A WOMAN ENTERED THE ROOM

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,
she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.  The handsome
stranger turned, having sensed her approach.  Locking his steely gray eyes
on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her,
hypnotising her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from
her constraining attire.  With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign
hands to unleash her bare flesh.  He expertly guided her through this tender,
new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of,
his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam.  She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone
unfulfilled for so long.

And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and
for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never
fit!"  Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only
for her.  As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze,
tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.  And he knew it wouldn't be long before
she returned.  Oh, yes, this woman would want more.  She would want to do it
again and again and again ...

DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES

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   This contribution arrived from a quiet little petal who whishes to remain
   anonymous ...


Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blow job?
A. Blow job: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blow job

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What's the difference between your pay cheque and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your pay cheque.

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. The girl has to chew before she swallows.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore; if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermit's Finger

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

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   This week's picture show is brought to you by Beryl, Trina, David A, Deanna,
   Stevo, and Steve the Harding ...


One size fits all Click here

Hey Monica Click here

Let fly Click here

Dubya's favourite book Click here

School's in Click here

Last week we had the words (and the song) - now the pic! Click here

Hi-tech Click here

Boeing's revenge Click here

Protection Click here

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             A selection from sunny QCAT ...

   TOP 10 QUESTIONS YOU SHOULD NEVER ASK WHEN BEING INTERVIEWED FOR A JOB:

1. What's your company's policy on severance pay?

2. How long does it take your company's bureaucracy to get around to firing
   somebody for poor performance?

3. Could I get an office that's really close to the exit?

4. Does your company's life insurance cover suicide?

5. Who's the ugly bitch in that picture on your desk?

6. Does your company's insurance consider genital herpes a pre-existing
   condition?

7. How many sick days do you allow each employee before you stop paying them
   for not being here?

8. Does your insurance cover sex-change operations?

9. Does your LAN have a firewall that blocks triple-X web sites?

10. How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?

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           These are so politically incorrect they're good!!

   Why are radical Muslim's so quick to commit suicide?  Let's look at their
   lifestyle ...

No premarital sex.  No booze.  None.

No TV.  No cable TV.  No Spice channel.  No Playboy channel.

No Hooters. "What is this Hooters of which you speak?!?"  No titty bars.

No organised sports of any kind.  That's right - no sports.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veil's.  Women have to cover up
everything!

Very, very, very few cars.  Camels.  Many camels.

Sand.  Fxxxing sand everywhere !  More sand.  Ever fish at an oasis?

Rags for clothes and hats.

Bar-B-Q's are cooked over burning camel dung chips.  Eating with your right
hand only (because you wipe your arse with your left hand).

Constant wailing from the arsehole next door ... no, wait ... is that music?
Shit!! I can't tell.

Oh, by the way, when you die it all gets better!

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               AS FOR WHAT TO DO WITH OSAMA BIN LADEN ...

Killing him will only create a martyr.  Holding him prisoner will inspire his
comrades to take hostages to demand his release.

Therefore, I suggest we do neither.

Let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an
undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change
operation.

Then we return her to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.

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Latest news reports advise that a cell of four terrorists has been operating on
Palm Island in North Queensland

Police advised earlier today that three of the four have been detained.

The Northern Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin
Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues.

The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description
of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, on the island.

Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to
spot in the community.

They are also interested in a shady character commonly known as "Where you Bin"
but they can't get a straight answer out of him....

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            Now for two more from the Wild, Wild West ...

                                  M&Ms

Sometimes there comes along a truly gifted and unique individual with way too
much time on their hands.  Recently an Internet Service Provider conducted an
audit of the Tech Support logs.  Some personal entries were found.  Here is one.

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the
strength and robustness of the candy as a species.  To this end, I hold
M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing
them together until one of them cracks and splinters.  That is "the loser," and
I eat the inferior one immediately.  The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer
blue ones are genetically inferior.  I have hypothesised that the blue M&Ms as a
race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the
modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or
flatter than the rest.  Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on
very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength.  In this way, the species
continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the
herd.  Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly
in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars Inc.  Mackettstown,
NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A. along with a 3x5 card reading,

"Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free pound bag
of plain M&Ms.  I consider this "grant money."

I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament.  From a field of hundreds,
we will discover the True Champion. "There can be only one".

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                               DRUG WARNING

                             IMPORTANT NOTICE

Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be
more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a woman.

There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and it appears in liquid
form.  The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince
male victims to have sex with them.

"Beer" is available virtually anywhere.  All girls have to do is persuade a guy
to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask him home for no-strings-attached
sex.  Men are rendered helpless against such attacks.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to performing sex acts with women
who they would never normally be attracted to.  Men often wake up after having
"beer" with only hazy memories of what happened to them the night before,
just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam know
as "a relationship" - apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the
"beer" has been administered.

Forward this to every male you know ...  However, if you fall victim to this
insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support
groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open
manner with a bunch of similarly-affected guys.

For your nearest support group just look up 'Pubs' in the yellow pages.

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                  And from O - the girl next door ...

              THE NINE IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE:

1. THE DOCTOR - because he says, "Take off your clothes."

2. THE DENTIST - Because he says, "Open wide!"

3. THE HAIRDRESSER - Because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

4. THE MILKMAN - because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the Back?"

5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR - because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"

6. THE STOCK BROKER - because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate a
   while, and then slowly fall back down again.")

7. THE BANKER - because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose
   interest."

8. THE HUNTER(our favourite) - because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice,
   and always eats what he shoots!

9. THE TELEPHONE GUY - because he says, "Would you like it on the table or
   up against the wall?"

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                And lastly of awley, from Wellington Ben:

               TALIBAN MEMBERS SPOTTED IN SOUTH AUCKLAND

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in
Otara, Auckland, New Zealand. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have
been detained.

The Auckland Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin
Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Stealin have been arrested on immigration issues.
The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description
of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area. Police are confident that
anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.
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And the quote of the week:

          (with apologies to Johnno who is not on the FH list)

     "He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let
      that fool you ... he really is an idiot."
                                                   - Groucho Marx
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[ End Fri humour ]


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