Friday humour - October 12, 2001

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

          Yo,
     And the ASCII stuff this week comes to you courtesy of our old westerly
     list, Maria the Harding, Steve Kero tin, TBFXRD, Dave McCallum, John
     at CUB, and Mad Mick.  And some pics, of course, tucked away somewhere
     near the middle.  Still a heavy emphasis on the NY WTC terrorist hits
     and Osama (wonder how many filters *that* word will "trip" as FH flits
     along the wires :-)    And there are some sound bites as well.

     To the first piece of humour, from our Westerly list (as in - based
     in Western Australia) - this one from around the middle of last year:
                             ------------------------

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun Sister
Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun
had instructed.  Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr.John's
nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday nightbath
had gone.

"Oh ... sister," said the young nun dreamily.  "I've been saved."

"Saved?  And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and
while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he
said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven
fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
assured of salvation and eternal peace.  And then Father John guided his Key
to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often
painful, and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy.
And it did ... it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told ME it was Gabriel's Horn,
and here I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
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     Now for another blast from the past from Maria Harding, as forwarded
     on about 18 months ago:
                             ------------------------

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a pet.  After looking around,
she realised that all the pets there were very expensive.  A shop assistant
came up and asked if there's something he could help her with.

"I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours are so expensive!"

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00.
 Would you like to see it?"

"$50.00?  For a Frog?" said the woman.

The assistant said, "It's a special frog.  It's gives blow jobs."

So the woman decides to buy the frog.  She takes it home to her boyfriend,
explains the strange gift frog, and they're both happy.  The woman goes to bed.

Around two in the morning, she wakes up to hear pots and pans banging around
in the kitchen.  She gets up to go see what's going on and when she gets to the
kitchen she sees her boyfriend and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like
best buddies, looking through cookbooks.

"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" says the
woman.

The guy looks up and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your arse
is outa here."
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        Back to the ol' West now and a collection of observations about men
        (okay, okay - we've got a blonde joke later on):
                             ------------------------

Men are like ... Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ... Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like ... Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like ... Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like ... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like ... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like ... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ... Computers
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like ... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like ... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like ... Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like ... Department Stores.
Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like ... Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like ... High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like ... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like ... Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like ... Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like ... Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like ... Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Men are like ... Parking spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped
or extremely small.

Men are like ... Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like ... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like ... Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he
will last.

Men are like ... Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

Men are like ... Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either of them.
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      Now to the blonde joke from ... guess who?  Steve Kero tin:
                             ------------------------

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of
her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the
tip of your finger?"

"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought
'I just paid $6000 for these breast implants - I'm not shooting myself in the
chest'."

"So, then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3000 to get my
teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth'."

"So ... and then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, 'This is going to make a loud
noise', so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
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     Now to the pics and bits (yeh, I know - you haven't even read any of
     the preceding stuff, have you ...).

     Much of this week's material is of course highly charged with the emotion
     of the Allied effort against terrorism.  (The "Allied effort".  Do you
     realise we haven't used that phrase since WW II?)

     Anyway, first one is quite cute ... came in from Maria the H:
                             ------------------------

  On the warpath: Click here

     Had a cupla versions of this next one (a song) - one from James Powell
     ("young James" as RM used to call him before Andrew returned to the
     computing fold) and a CSIRO lady who normally prefers to remain anon:

  Day-o: Click here
   If you have trouble streaming this, click on the following instead, but
   it'll take a minute or two to load down.  (If using Netscape you may need
   to right-click, do a "save as", and then double-click on it later):
  Day-o: Click here

     This next one arrived with an accompanying story to the effect that
     "a camera has been found in the WTC rubble containing this image ..."

  Found in WTC NY rubble: Click here

     We weren't quite sure whether to believe this, but then the following
     lot began to trickle in, and we were finally convinced.  Forwarded on
     by Aaron Torpy:

  Found in WTC rubble #2: Click here
  Found in WTC rubble #3: Click here
  Found in WTC rubble #4: Click here
  Found in WTC rubble #5: Click here
  Found in WTC rubble #6: Click here
  Found in WTC rubble #7: Click here
  Found in WTC rubble #8: Click here
  Found in WTC rubble #9: Click here

     Hmmmm, okay ...

     Next one was passed on by Davo, who in turn got it from our usual
     anonymous CSIRO lady:

  No turban: Click here

     And then there was this one, courtesy of John Stevens and Joe Muscat:

  Who wants to be a ... Click here

     Joe M also forwarded this one:

  Suspect: Click here

     Another scientist around the traps (who also wishes to remain anonymous)
     forwarded these on for your amusement ...

  Pic #1: Click here
  Pic #2: Click here
  Pic #3: Click here
  Pic #4: Click here
  Pic #5: Click here
  Pic #6: Click here

    And finally, a video passed on by Russell McArk ... and I forgot to ask
    Steve H to put it up on his server, so it'll take a half minute or so
    to load, I'm afraid ... (but it's worth the wait):

  Thirsty: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Okay - back to the textual stuff now, and this contribution from
        John Klimek over at CUB (that's Carlton & United Breweries).  It
        was also passed on by Steve Kero, and Bruce:
                             ------------------------


     You can get it crashing a plane,
     or looking insane.
     Being feared,
     or growing a beard.

     Making rich countries poor,
     or waging Holy War.
     Making Bush mad,
     or calling Jihad.

     You can get it burning a flag,
     or wearing a rag.
     Being an Afghan resident,
     or pissing off a president.

     Putting nations in trouble,
     or making some rubble.
     Being a fugitive fella,
     or killing for Allah.

     You can get it any old how.  Matter of fact I've got it now.

     A hard earned thirst needs a big cold beer.  And the best cold beer is Bin.
     Bin Lager
                            ----====#  #  #  #====----

     Those of you outside Oz won't entirely "get" the above.  It's actually a
     send-up of a beer commercial run by CUB here in Oz during the late 1970s
     and 1980's (may have even been re-run during the 1990's).
     Here's a typical one for any of you who've never heard it before:
  Victoria Bitter: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Next - a rather interesting link passed on by Andrew Smith ...
                             ------------------------

     Interesting posters: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


           This next one's from a new FH contributor, one David Barker:
                             ------------------------

                                  AFGHAN TV GUIDE

Monday:

8.00 - Husseinfeld
9.00 - Mad About Everything
9.30 - Suddenly Sanctions
10.00 - Allah McBeal
10.30 - The Brian BenBen Bin Laden Show

Tuesday:

8.00 - Wheel of Terror & Fortune
8.30 - The Price is Right if Osama Say's it's Right
9.00 - Children are forbidden From Saying the Darndest Things
9.30 - Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10.00 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

Wednesday:

8.00 - US Military Secrets Revealed
8.30 - When Northern Alliance Attack
9.00 - Two Guys, A Girl & a Pita Bread
9.30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10.00 - Veilwatch

Thursday:

8.00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
8.30 - M*U*S*T*A*C*H*E
9.00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses & Veils
9.30 - My Two Bagdads
10.00 - Diagnosis: Heresy

Friday:

8.00 - Judge Laden
8.30 - Funniest Super 8 Home Movies
9.00 - Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things
9.30 - Achmeds Creek
10.00 - No-Witness-News
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Now for a short one from the U.K. via one Cr Maddus Mickus ...
                             ------------------------

An Englishman, an Aussie and a Kiwi are in a bar one night, having a beer.
All of a sudden the Kiwi downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls
out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Island our glasses
are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this , drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:
"Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we
don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, (naturally) picks up his beer and drinks
it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the Kiwi and
the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many fucking Kiwis and
Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     And lastly of awlly for this week - couple more from John over at CUB:
                             ------------------------

                   TO TECH SUPPORT

I am writing this letter as a last resort.  Last year I upgraded from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program announced:

   Unexpected Child causing processing that took up a lot of space and
   valuable resources.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches
during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday
Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.  I cannot
seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my
other favourite applications.

I am thinking about going back to girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work
on this program.

Can you help me, please!

    Thanks,

       Frustrated
                             %    %    %    %


   Dear Frustrated,

This is a very common problem that men complain about, but it is due to a
primary misconception.  Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back
to Girlfriend 7.0.  Hidden operating files within your system would cause
Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.  It is impossible to
un-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do it.

Some tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems
than the original system.  Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony/Child
Support"  I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire
section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur,
regardless of their cause.  The best course of action will be to enter the
command C:\APOLOGISE.  In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating
system will return to normal.  The system will run smoothly as long as you take
the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great system, but very high maintenance.  Consider buying
additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0.  I recommend
Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.  Do not, under any circumstances, install
Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.  This is not a supported application for
Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
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[ End Friday humour ]




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