Friday humour - October 05, 2001

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Greetings and TGIF!

    Warning:  About 50% of jokes and pics received lately seem to be connected
    in some way to the recent US disaster.  I've included some less offensive
    stuff here.  It has to be remembered that Friday Humour hasn't placed a ban
    on offensive jokes.  Nothing here is taboo.  It's a subscription list and
    anyone can unsubscribe by simply sending an e-mail to Tony or me.

    eg.  This quickie sent in by Stevo  (DON'T READ IF EASILY OFFENDED)
                               ---------------------

Ireland has joined NATO and has made the first strike.....

Word just in,

The Irish SAS have just stormed Battersea Dogs Home and shot all the Afghans!!!
      - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -


         And a quirky one from Wellinton Ben:

         Just to help you with that competitive edge ...

                          GIVING 100% +

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%
Here's to achieving 103% !!
Here's a little maths that might prove helpful in the future:
What makes life 100% ??

 If:

   A B C D E F G H I J  K  L  M  N  O  P  Q  R  S  T  U  V  W  X  Y  Z
 = 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

 Then;

 H A R D W O R K
 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only

 K N O W L E DGE
 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only

 But;

 A T T I T U D E
 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %

 However;

 B U L L S H I T
 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

 Give it all you've got ...
      - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -


            From Olivine next door:


A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather,
settled down for a day's sunbathing.

He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburnt beyond
belief. He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for
treatment. The doctor looked at his lobster-colored legs and shook his head.
"You must realise that this is only a small village surgery," he explained.
"I've really got nothing at all to help you.

However, try taking this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one
tablet of Viagra.

Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet
going to do?"

"Nothing at all for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep the
sheets off your legs.
      - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -


      From Paul Fazey:

            Words That Don't Exist, But Probably Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the
bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of
running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching
over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the
vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped
on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the
germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people manoeuvring for one
armrest in a movie theater or airplane.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto
the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally
decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n Manhandling the "open
here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the
'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8 PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting
the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only
six inches away.
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                Two from Dave at Highett ...

A couple of hunters in the rural south are out in the woods when one of them
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled
back in his head. The other guy whips out his bat phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help.

First, lets make sure he's dead."

.... There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on
the line.

He says, "OK, now what?
      - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -


                             Golf anyone?

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally
the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult
hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for them and while I was rooting around I noticed one of
the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up
the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram
on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my
mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey! This looks like yours!'"
      - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -


    As a matter of fact, Dave seems to think we're a pile of morons here at
    Clay-town and recommends that some of our readers do this little
    personality test ... Click here

      - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -


        A golden oldie from Cr Maddus Mickus from Marwickus ...

On a really hot day a flea saw his mate on the Costa del Sol shivering with cold.

"Why are you shivering, mate?" he asked.

"Well I've just arrived from Britain in a man's moustache, and he rode a
motorcycle all the way ... I'm freezing."

"Well you should do as I do, wait at the airport for the Costa del Sol flight,
then crawl up the leg of a beautiful girl, climb into her knickers and camp
in her bush until she gets here. That way you keep lovely and warm."

A year passes ...  The flea once again saw his same mate on the beach on the
Costa del Sol shivering with cold.

"Didn't you do as I said," asked the flea.

"I did, I did. I crawled up the leg of a beautiful girl and camped in her bush.
Then there was an almighty storm I think. There was a thumping and a rolling,
then I found myself in the moustache of the same man that I came with last year
and on the same motorcycle."
            - -oOo- - - -oOo- - - -oOo- - - -oOo- - - -oOo- -

          From QCAT in the Brissie sun:

                     THE CLINTON ERA WRAP UP ...

After much argument and deliberation, historians this week have come up with
a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called "Sex between the
Bushes."

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has
proven that you CAN get sex from Aides.

Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like
Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close - but no cigar."

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress -
"Presidue."

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not
one is his sister!
      - -oOo- - - -oOo- - - -oOo- - - -oOo- - - -oOo- -


    Now here are some stills and moving pics from Dave, Little Di, Chris
    from NY State, possibly Lee and Deanna, and others (who probably know
    who they are):

                                   WARNING
                                   ~~~~~~~
    Those offended by US disaster jokes should not open the three "Tower
    solutions" ones.  You have been warned!!!
                   --------------------------

Firstly the Lookalikes 1 Click here

Lookalikes 2 Click here

No autographs please ...  Click here

The USA that might have been if only they counted all the votes Click here

How to stop women spending money (Careful Opening !!) Click here

Honest plumber Click here

I think we used the wrong font here Click here

Tower solutions 1 Click here

Tower solutions 2 Click here

Tower solutions 3 Click here

If you don't mind ... Click here

A nut case Click here
      - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -


     From the Waterford Wackers (from the latest Dilbert Nwsletter ...)


                    True Tales of Induhviduals


We sent a message to our wholesaler asking what happened to two orders of
underwear that were 60 days late. The answer I got back was, "Sorry, they
fell through the cracks."


A local museum here in Nova Scotia has a display about early French
settlers. My friend once overheard a visitor commenting on the wooden shoes
shown in the costume display, "I didn't know the French were Dutch!"


On my way to school I saw a pickup truck towing a car using nothing but a
rope. No one was in the towed car and it was moving at a good clip. Needless
to say, when the pickup stopped at a red light the towed car smashed into
the back of it, demolishing both vehicles."


I recently had to call German Telekom to get my new bat phone switched on.
I asked the call center guy how long it would take and he said, "Well,
usually it only takes 48 hours, but we're experiencing technical
difficulties right now, so it'll take about two days."


Last week I was sitting in the teacher's lounge at the high school where I
work. One of my colleagues, an English teacher, was lamenting the poor
behavior of her students, and longing for the return of "corporate
punishment."
      - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -


              And from Biggus:

                         The Dead Cat Test

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it was
dead or alive.

"Dead," she was informed.

"How do you know?", she asked.

"Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't
move."
      - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -

           From Maria Harding:

                     THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
      - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -


             Then, from Aaron Torpy:

                     Unwritten Rules of Men

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
buried by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a
heroic dog dies to save it's master b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts
unbuttoning her blouse c. After wrecking your boss' car. d. One hour, 12
minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". e. When your Date is using her
teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late
is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait
10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
1-10 scale.

7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a Mate's fridge is forbidden.
Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man
(in fact, even remembering your Mate's birthday is strictly optional).

9. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

10. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

11. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

12. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning
on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and
it's free.
      - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -    - -oOo- -


             And finally, from Steve Kerosene ...

                             The Funeral

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into the wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint
moan.

They open the casket and find the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then finally dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony
the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the
husband cries out, "Watch the fucking wall!"
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     And the thought for the week is Daves (who incidentally failed the above
     test):

      "If you bought $1000 worth of Ansett stock one year ago, it would
       be worth $49 today. If you bought $1000 worth of beer one year
       ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the deposit,
       you would have $79 today.

       My advice to you is to start drinking..."
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[ End Fri humour ]


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