Friday humour - September 28, 2001

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

          And another Friday gidday,
    There's still a slow but steady stream of people joining the humourites
    Friday mailout, so I should probably mention once again that "back issues"
    are always archived at Click here if you need 'em.  Just click on the

    Friday Humour link and go for it.  (You can search too, if you're looking
    for a particular joke ... if you can think of any phrases from the joke,
    that is).

    Contributions this week are from QCAT, the Westerly list, Nestor our
    Illinois correspondent, Mad Mickus (U.K.), David McCallum, and some
    more weird Steven Wright humour found by yours truly.  First up though -
    this one from Anne up at QCAT:
                           --------------------------


               Last night as I lay sleeping
               I died or so it seemed
               Then I went to heaven
               But only in my dreams
               But then St Peter met me
               There at the pearly gates
               He said "I must check your record
               Please stand here and wait"
               He turned and said "Your record
               Is covered with terrible flaws
               On earth I see you laboured
               For every losing cause
               I see you drank alcohol
               And used smokes and drugs too
               Fact is you've done everything
               A good woman should never do
               We can't have women like you up here
               Your life is full of sin"
               Then he read the last of my record
               Grasped my hand and said "Come in"

               He took me up to the big boss and said
               "Take her in and treat her well
               She used to work for CSIRO
               She's done her time in hell"
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          Then there was this super-quickie from Ms Anon at Clayton ...
                           --------------------------

                             NEWS RELEASE 24-09-2001

Dick Smith and Big Kev are joining forces to buy Ansett.  The airline will
be called Big Dick - and they plan to chase all the Virgins.

The marketing phrase will, of course, be "I'm excited!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      A lot of humour (most of it tasteless) has come in re the U.S. suicide
      bombings.  This one from our Westerly list re suitable punishment for
      Afghanistan was interesting, though ...
                           --------------------------

                             BOMB THEM WITH BUTTER

A military response, particularly an attack on Afghanistan, is exactly what the
terrorists want.  It will strengthen and swell their small but fanatical ranks.

Instead, bomb Afghanistan with butter, with rice, bread, clothing and medicine.
It will cost less than conventional arms, poses no threat of US casualties and
just might get the populace thinking that maybe the Taliban don't have the
answers.  After three years of drought and with starvation looming, let's offer
the Afghani people the vision of a new future.  One that includes full stomachs.

Bomb them with information.  Video players and cassettes of world leaders,
particularly Islamic leaders, condemning terrorism.  Carpet the country with
magazines and newspapers showing the horror of terrorism committed by their
"guest".  Blitz them with laptop computers and DVD players filled with a
perspective that is denied them by their government.  Saturation bombing with
hope will mean that some of it gets through.  Send so much that the Taliban
can't collect and hide it all.

The Taliban are telling their people to prepare for Jihad.  Instead, let's give
the Afghani people their first good meal in years.  Seeing your family fully
fed and the prospect of stability in terms of food and a future is a powerful
deterrent to martyrdom.  All we ask in return is that they, as a people, agree
to enter the civilised world.  That includes handing over terrorists in their
midst.

In responding to terrorism we need to do something different ... something
unexpected ... something that addresses the root of the problem.  We need to
take away the well of despair, ignorance and brutality from which the Osama
bin Laden's of the world water their gardens of terror.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     On the same sad topic, this one forwarded on by Joe Muscat is equally
     intriguing.  Comes as a recipe (for those with MS Word):
                           --------------------------

1. Start Microsoft Word

2. Type the following flight number: Q33 NY (this was the flight number
   of one of the planes which hit the WTC).

3. Now change the size of the letter to 26

4. Change the letter-type to Windings.

      Freaky?
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Now one from our Illinois correspondent - Nestor Zaluzec:
                           --------------------------

                              VADER STRIKES BACK

   There's going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of EMPIRE
   STRIKES BACK coming up next year!  Basically, it expands on the scene
   where Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends
   created with the release of Episode 1.

                The Empire Strikes Back: Extra-Special Edition

INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER:

A furious lightsaber duel is underway.  DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER
towards the end of the gantry.  A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand!
It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft.  Luke backs away.  He looks
around, but realises there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough!  He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No ... I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings ... you know it to be true ...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true ... and you know what else?  You know that brass
droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes ... Threepio ... I built him ...  when I was 7 years old ...

Luke: No ...

Darth Vader: Seven years old?  And what have you done?  Look at yourself, no
hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp ...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20!  When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a
Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it's not my fault ...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go ... "Poor me ...  my father never gave me what I
wanted for my birthday ... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith ...
waahhh wahhh!"

Luke: Shut up ...

Darth Vader: You're a slacker!  By the time I was your age, I had exterminated
the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor ...  10 years old, winner of the
Boonta Eve Open ...  Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer ... right here, baby!

{Luke looks down the shaft.  Takes a step
towards it.}

Darth Vader: I was wrong ... You're not my kid ... I don't know whose you are,
but you sure ain't mine ...

{Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.}

{Darth Vader looks after him.}

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Okay - time for a few pics (and some audio humour too).  First up, the
       audio humour, for which you'll need a RealAudio player (*).  This was
       forwarded on by Fiona (my cousin):

    Rub me: Click here

       Another classic from the same source:

    The Queen: Click here

       Incidentally, you can buy the above (3MMM FM) material on a cupla CDs
       called "Don't talk over me" and "Whatever" (Guido Hatzis - GRUD/UMA).
       And if you want to read some of the background on Guido, check out
       Click here

       Now one for the women (from Steve Kero - and also from QCAT):

    So that's why!  Click here

       Next one passed on by David McCallum, Joe Muscat, and Deanna:

    Been Laden: Click here

       These two via David McCallum:

    Tomorrow's weather: Click here
    Earn some dough: Click here

       And a couple from Steve Kero tin ...

    WTC pic: Click here
    Turkey stuffing lessons: Click here

       This one from QCAT ...

    Inventive:  Click here

       Next one was passed on Mr Allnutt, Dave McCallum, and Steve Kero:

    Nice knockers:  Click here

       Finally - from David McCallum and Joe Muscat:

    Map update:  Click here

 (*) Free RealAudio player program is available at Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Back to the written word and some new Steven Wright humour which I
       haven't seen before (I found this while surfing for info on Guido):
                           --------------------------

I got a new shadow.  I had to get rid of the other one ... it wasn't doing what
I was doing.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.  Every once
in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have
written that."

He asked me if I knew what time it was.  I said, "Yes, but not right now."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into
another dimension.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it.  So I'm going to move to
New York.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite
picture.

I have a map of the United States ... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile
1 mile."  I spent last summer folding it.  I also have a full-size map of the
world.  I hardly ever unroll it.  People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50.  So
I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

I went to a restaurant that serves "Breakfast At Any Time."  So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables.  I was clearing
them for take off.  I had them all lined up outside.  People thought it was an
outdoor cafe.  I said, "No, these are leaving at 3."  They were going to fire
me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the
inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they
keep the generic brands.  Her name was "woman".

I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"  Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to the Gift Wrap
Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would
know when to stop unwrapping.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings.  Whenever I get lonely I
open it up just a bit and I get a call.  One time I dropped the box all over the
floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected.  I bought
a new phone though.  I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular
phone -- it had no number 5 on it.  I saw a close friend of mine the other
day ... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?"  I said, "I can't call
everyone I want.  My new phone has no five on it."  He said, "How long have
you had it?"  I said, "I don't know ... My calendar has no sevens on it."

I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to
fill in the rest.

I'm writing an unauthorised autobiography.

All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs synthetic
hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to rob a department
store With a pricing gun.  She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault
or I'm marking down everything in the store."

I have a decaffeinated coffee table.  You'd never know it to look at it.

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night.  I was torturing
them by watering them with ice cubes.

My neighbours don't like it when I talk to my plants ... I use a megaphone.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity ... If you wanted
to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.  If you wanted to
cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it.  I write right on the bill,
"I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how I got there.

I play the harmonica.  The only way I can play is if I get my car going really
fast and stick it out the window.  I've been arrested three times for practicing.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out.  Now my car
goes 500 miles per hour.  The harmonica sounds *amazing*.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they
wouldn't have to go so fast.

I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali
print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an
Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching.  Within three
minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand
new cars.  I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door.  The guy said,
"I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out
back."  So I did.  And he was really into picking people up because he picked
up 19 more.  We all had our own cars.  Then he went 90 miles per hour and we
all got speeding tickets.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Now to one of our U.K. correspondents, Cr Madus Mickus, who writes
       "These were sent to me by another crazy Councillor whose name is
       Elizabeth and she wishes to remain anonymous, whatever that means"

What's the difference between an elephant and an Italian Grandmother?
Twenty pounds and a black dress.

Did you hear about the Irishman who studied 5 days for a urine test?

What do you call an Irishman in a tree?
A branch manager.

How do you brainwash a Pakistani?
Give him an enema.

What's black and shrivelled and hangs from a light socket?
An Irish electrician.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

Why do Italian boys grow moustaches?
So they can look like their Mothers.

What's a poofter?
A man who likes women more than beer.

What's the difference between your sister and a Ferrari?
Most people haven't been in a Ferrari.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         That's really it for the week ... but just in case you still want
         more, here's some nice mushie stuff from up at QCAT:
                           --------------------------


                            SOMETHING TO CONSIDER

Take a moment to go back in time ... before the Internet or computers.
Before semi-automatics, heroin and crack.  Before SEGA or Super Nintendo...

          WAY, WAY BACK ...

I'm talking about hide and seek at dusk.

One potato, two potato, three potato, four.

Red light, green light.

The corner shop.

Hopscotch, kiss chasey, elastics, jacks, kickball, dodgeball.

"Mother, may I ...?"

Hula Hoops.

Running through the sprinkler to cool off.

Milk moustaches.

An ice cream cone on a warm summer night - chocolate or vanilla or strawberry.

         BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE ....

Watching Saturday morning TV:
Hey Hey, it's Saturday, Marty Monster, Fat Albert, The Groovy Goolies, Gigantor,
Road Runner, Penelope Pitstop and Bugs Bunny.

Short commercials.

A million mosquito bites around your ankles.

Sticky fingers.

Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, Zorro.

Climbing trees.

Walking to school, no matter what the weather.

Running till you were out of breath.

Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.

Jumping on the bed.  Pillow fights.

Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

Being tired from playing (remember that?)

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

War was a card game.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

    ... NOT FINISHED JUST YET ...

Eating Milo from the tin

Remember when there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys and the only
time you wore them at school, was for "PE"

When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.

When milk went up one cent and everyone talked about it for weeks?

When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

When you got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked, and petrol pumped, without
asking, for free, always.

When nearly everyone's Mum was at home when the kids got there.

It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.

When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real
restaurant with your parents.

When any parent could discipline any kid, or use him to carry groceries, and
nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed ... and did.

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that
awaited the misbehaving student at home.

Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive-by
shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.  Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger
threat!  And some of us are still afraid of them!

Worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "germs".

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

Nobody was prettier than Mum.

Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin.

Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dare."

Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

   If you can remember most or all of these ... well, you've really lived.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]




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