Friday humour - September 21, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

Greetings and salutations ...

Thanks alot to Mad Mick of Marwick for advising me some time back of Stripmail
- no it's not what you think - if you ever want to clean up a joke (at least
format-wise) put it through Stripmail prior to sending it.  It's found at:
 Click here

Thanks also to Nestor on Lake Michigan who responded as to the best way to
improve the appearance and formatting of e-mail: "Well ... you could start by
getting rid of Outlook!!"

  [Ed: It would also vastly reduce the spread of viruses around the world!]

     --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo--


          First funny this week is from Deano ...

Little Johnny is sitting on his front porch steps playing a game. With one arm
he's holding a cat, the other hand is full of M&M's. To play this game, Johnny
starts at the top of the steps. He eats a couple M&M's, bites the cat, then
moves down a step. He eats some more M&M's, bites the cat & moves down a step.

When Johnny gets to the bottom of the steps he goes back to the top and starts
over. Inside the house, Johnny's mother is watching him. She sticks her head
out the window and asks Johnny what he's doing.

Johnny replies, "Mummy, I'm playing Truck Driver." Confused by the answer,
she has Johnny explain how he figures he's playing Truck Driver.

Johnny replies, "I'm popping pills, eating pussy and movin' on!!"

     --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo--


             From Malisja ...

The last four US Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to
OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?", the Wizard asks.

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly. "I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward. "Well ... I ... think I need a brain."

"DONE," says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up steps George Bush sadly. "I'm told by the American people that I need a
heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there,
looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?"

     --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo--


            And a couple from Trina:

Three sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells down the stairs "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old
yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up or down the stairs?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She
knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells - "I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door!"

                            --oo0oo-- --oo0oo--

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any
sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with
her. She decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, "OK, take off all your
crose". The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again the
woman did as she was instructed.

Dr Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr Chang shook his head slowly and said: "Your problem vely bad.  You have Ed
Zachary Disease.  Worse case I ever see.  Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?"

Dr Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is
when your face look Ed Zachary like your bum!"

     --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo--


                         A couple from Dave at Highett ...

                    THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY WITH A HALLMARK

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
What the fuck was I thinking"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!  Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby."

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.  After having
met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.  I never believed in Hell
'til I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin
it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.  Like the
need for therapy ..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!  I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Congratulations on your promotion.  Before you go, would you like to take
this knife out of my back.  You'll probably need it again."

Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Happy Birthday!  You look great for your age ... Almost life like!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.  Now that we've
broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

                            --oo0oo-- --oo0oo--

                                VIAGRA

Doc, I have a problem.  My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my
ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.
I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all"

The doctor says "You know, 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous
for a man of your age.  I will give them to you on the condition that you
return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says "You have a deal, Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor says "What happened"?

The man answered "Nobody showed up"

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The non-ascii stuff comes this week from Ben, Dave, Malisha, Trina,
    Guru Russell, and Olivine.  Chonk upon these ...

not tonight Click here

parking Click here

How do blondes print a Word document?  Click here

the latest suspect Click here

Kiwi navy 2002 Click here

Kiwi airforce 2002 Click here

a little joke Click here

absolute has bin Click here

cut off Click here

sporting tips Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                          One day at the Morgue

Paddy the 'Irishman' died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the morgue
needed someone to identify the body.  So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean
(also Irishmen), were sent for.  Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back
the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad.  Roll him over".  So the mortician
rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to
identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over" The
mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy"

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two
arseholes." "What?  He had two arseholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone
knew he had two arseholes.  Every time we went into town, folks would say,
"Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes ..."

     --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo--


    Finally, an oldie passed on by Matt Greene, drooping over at Fosters:


                         Come Blow Your Horn

Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited.
He's especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos.  After the
sessions, which went great, Jerry can't wait to see the finished product.
He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film.

A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno
flick that will be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he can go to see it.

A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the
theatre where the picture is playing.  He walked in and sat way in the back,
next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding.

The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever
... group sex, S&M, golden showers ... and then, halfway through, a dog got
in on the action.  Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with
all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men.

Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here
for the music."

The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "That's okay, we're only here
to see our dog."
                    --oo0oo-- --oo0oo-- --oo0oo--


           And the quote for the week ...

   "A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big
    enough to take it all away."
                                                      - Barry Goldwater
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[ End Friday humour ]




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