Friday humour - September 14, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

  Hi - no preamble on this very sad week for those of us in the free world ...


                     To begin, this quickie from Trina ...

There are three reasons why lawyers are being used more and more in scientific
experiments.

First, every year there are more of them around.

Second, lab assistants don't get attached to them.

And, third, there are some things that rats just won't do.

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      This message has just lobbed in from Mick Rand - believe it or not ...

Tony and Ian, a very sad couple of days ........... this bit below has just
been brought to my attention by a learned colleague.  Woah - a bit scary, or
what?

Nostradamus' prediction on WWIII:

"In the year of the new century and nine months, From the sky will come a great
King Of Terror. The sky will burn at forty-five degrees. Fire approaches the
Great New City."

"In the City of York there will be a great collapse, 2 twin brothers torn
apart by chaos. While the Fortress falls, the Great Leader will succumb Third
Big War will begin when the big City is burning"

NOSTRADAMUS

He said this will be bigger than the previous two.  2001 is the first year
of the new century and this is the 9th month. New York is located at the 41st
degree Latitude.

If you care to examine the date, we would call it 11th September, or 11/9.
Americans reverse this to 9/11, the number of their emergency service.

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          A couple from Snowfields Beryl

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders
using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of
lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by color and flavour.

The children began to say:
"Red................... cherry"
"Yellow............... lemon"
"Green................. lime"
"Orange................ orange"

Finally, the professor gave them all honey flavoured Lifesavers. After eating
them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes
call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,: "Everybody,
spit them out - they're arseholes!!!"

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                               Oh dear ...

Imagine an incredibly handsome guy. A romantic supper in your favourite
restaurant, candlelight. He is cool, intelligent, rich, he kisses wonderfully,
dances like a god, all your friends are crazy about him, your parents adore him.

In one word: a man of your dreams.

He asks you to marry him, but there is one but. No sex before marriage.

You - of course - agree to all. You get the most beautiful wedding dress,
the cake is equally fantastic, the wedding party is an event of the century.

And then ..... Click here

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         From Wellington Ben:

                        FLIRTING WITH A GORILLA

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending
the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit,
they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the
gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on
with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free
hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress and the
husband noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his
wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her
lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would
wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall
to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the
bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at
him." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage,
slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM
you have a headache."

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                 And this trio from Olivine ...

              ANSWERING MACHINE AT THE MENTAL HOSPITAL

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line
so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no
one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a
representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before
the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss,
press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to
talk to you.

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1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
   Because they are plugged into a genius.

2. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
   Because they don't stop for directions.

3. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
   Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

4. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
   Because they don't have penises to put them in.

5. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
   They're intended for children, but men usually end up playing with them.

6. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
   Because their balls fall over their arseholes and they vapour lock.

7. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
   So they won't hump women's' legs at cocktail parties.

8. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
   You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

9. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
   So he can tell if he's coming or going . . . . .

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An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in
Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there
the next day.

When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick
e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an
elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL
TOMORROW. PS. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

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         A couple from Kerosene Steve ...

                             THREE MEN

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging,
violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how
to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to
cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was
able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a
couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the
strength .. and the tools to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about
an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools ...
and the intelligence ... to cross this river."

And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream
a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

[SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN
 HANDLE IT]

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    (maybe my taste is crude - but I think this is a classic- Ed)


                     Inexperienced Curry Taster

Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster named Frank, who was visiting Durban,
South Africa from the US.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call
came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the
curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

                 ________________________________________

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove driedpaint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Indian fellow's are crazy.

                __________________________________________

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face.

                ___________________________________________

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Draino. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

                 __________________________________________

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a curry.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it,
is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT,
just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

                ____________________________________________

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me
brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses
me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

                ___________________________________________

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and
peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric
flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree,
she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips any more. I need to
wipe my arse with a snow cone!

                ____________________________________________

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number
3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out
of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At
least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

               ____________________________________________

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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   Now for some non-ascii stuff for memory from Highett Dave , Marysville
   Beryl, Wellington Ben, Upstairs Deanna, and you probably know who your are
   ... (I do hope so)


tit mouse Click here

optical illusion Click here

nothing to be ashamed of Click here

Tassie drivers licence (should work this week) Click here

now really, Mr Bean Click here

the frog Click here

no speeding Click here

dream job Click here

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         A couple from Dr Nickers in the Motherland ...

                               OBSESSIONS

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers
and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You
are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests
itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mum. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests
itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and
whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

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                                 NO WAY

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their
options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a
homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you
indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the
doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in
his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they
passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights,
could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he
had a shot of whisky. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar,
he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously
they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a
cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at
the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both
dead."

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           And a selection from Dave over at Highett:

                       WHAT'S YOUR HANDICAP?

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says,
How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's
the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,
but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it
seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh, yes,
I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call
to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then,
when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther
down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

But how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean
down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just
play the ball toward his voice. Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says,
"Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money,
and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says,
"OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

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                          THE SEX OF THE COMPUTER

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine
or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil," in French, is
masculine-"le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So
for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender
and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or
feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The
men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine
gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
   incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible
   later retrirev/view.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
   your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
   the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you'd waited a little
   longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Of course the women won, because men never win a discussion with women.

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                         QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

       "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to
        make an exception."
                                - Groucho Marx
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[ End Friday humour ]



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