Friday humour - September 07, 2001

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Yikes!
     This week we have a few re-runs.  Overall, we've got contributions from
     David McCallum, Lachlan of Crans, the Westerly mob, the two Steves,
     Cr Maddus, Martha Hill and John Stevens (currently fishing up north,
     I seem to remember).  And by popular request, three of 'em are re-runs
     from previous years.

     Anyway, first up there was this story as recently passed on by David
     McCallum.  Real 'Darwin Award' material is this one:
                           -------------------------

       ARKANSAS CITY (EAP)

A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's
sun roof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of
eye witnesses.  Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile up
resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman, who was apparently
convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up
into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was
Jesus.

"She started screaming "He's back, He's back" and climbed right out of the
sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28
year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene. "I was slowing
down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said.  "She thought the
rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into
the sky," he went on to say.

"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said Paul
Madison, first officer on the scene.  Madison questioned the man who looked like
Jesus and discovered that he was dressed up as Jesus and was on his way to a
toga costume party when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose
and released twelve blow up sex dolls filled with helium which floated up into
the air.

Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith (who's been told by several of his friends that
he looks like Jesus) pulled over, lifting his arms into the air in frustration,
yelling: "Come back here!" just as the Williams' car passed him.

Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into the sky as they
passed by him, according to her husband who says his wife loved Jesus more than
anything else.

When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is
all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Now for our first requested re-run.  Ian Madsen wanted to read this
     again after a colleague recently mentioned it.  I can see now why the
     memories may be fading - it was posted back on August 29, 1997.  As
     originally posted over by Lachlan:
                           -------------------------

RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
-----------------------------

This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca
Click here

       These two are also from Steve.  You'll probably need a RealMedia player
       to hear the first one - you can get that from Click here

Ooops: Click here
Latest computer: Click here

       Next interesting pair of shots were forwarded on by Colin Macrae:

Hey, what the ... Click here
Two seconds later: Click here

       Following one was discovered and passed on by James Powell.  No-one
       really laughed on seeing this ... more like a series of gaping looks.
       (Amazing to realise just how much progress has really been made here,
       and only in the last 50 years or so)

Now, be a good little ... Click here

       Here's a few more classics from Steve (SOT) [redacted].  Firstly
       a nice group of speed camera shots:

Up yours #1:  Click here
Up yours #2:  Click here
Up yours #3:  Click here
Oh, bother:  Click here

       Then there were these (first one needs MS PowerPoint installed):

Yellow Pages advert:  Click here
Multi-purpose bat-phones:  Click here
Newest slimming fad:  Click here

       Our programmer from RMIT, Aaron Torpy (often seen hanging out in the
       Microscopy labs here at CSIRO) sent this:

Cheat on me, will you?  Click here

       This one recently passed on by Ron K:

Latest fashion craze:  Click here

       Finally, a couple from up north near, in or around QCAT:

Latest cubicle style: Click here
Reality management: Click here
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

        Okay, enough of that.  Back to the real thing now, beginning with
        this quickie, again from Digitronics Steve LMS Harding:
                           -------------------------

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.  During the
welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can
earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something
to eat.  So don't trouble the other employees".

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard,
and I'm very satisfied with all of you.  One of our cleaners has disappeared
however.  Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss
has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others:

"Okay, which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says:

"You FOOL! - For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, AND
project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU have to go and
eat the cleaner!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Another quick one from the other Steve - one Mr [redacted] ...
                           -------------------------

A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.

"Mummy, Mummy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and
float you up to heaven."

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off satisfied.

Two days later, while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.

"Mummy, Mummy, poor aunt Jenny is dying!"

"Whatever do you mean?" says his mother.

"Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her
balloons out.  Dad's trying to blow 'em up for her and she keeps yelling,
'Oh God, I'm coming!'"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Over to the UK now and Cr Maddus Mickus with these quotable quotes.
      Steve Kerosine-tin also submitted a half dozen or so of these:
                           -------------------------

"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man." Tom Clancy.

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things
that money can buy." Steve Martin

"You know that look women get when they want sex?  Me neither ..." Drew Carey

"The birds and the bees have about as much to do with sex as a black lace
nightie has to do with keeping warm." Unknown

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences
go, it's pretty damned good." Woody Allen

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand." Unknown

"If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield

"Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when
it is bad, it is better than nothing." Dick Brandon

"All pop music is about sex. Rock is about wanting to do it, jazz is about
doing it, and country and western is about feeling guilty after you've done
it." Robert Waldo Brunelle, Jr.

"Equal rights for the sexes will be achieved when mediocre women occupy high
positions." Francois Giroud

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." George Burns

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." Matt
Barry

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog holiday at the
taxidermist." Camille Paglia

"Men won't stop and ask for directions because driving is too much like sex:
they can't stop until they get where they're going." Diane Jordan

"My kid had sex with your honour student."  Bumper Sticker

"Programming is like sex. One mistake, and you have to support it for the
rest of your life." Michael Sinz

"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." Woody Allen

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant." Henry Miller

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL
convertible."  P. J. O'Rourke
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    To finish off for this week, here are the other two re-runs.  First one
    appeared in FH on September 12, 1997, as forwarded by Martha Hill.
    Some interesting messages as heard on various answering machines:
                           -------------------------

"Hello, this is Ron's toaster - Ron's new answering machine is in the shop
for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done [kachunk]"

" 'ello.  My name is Ingi Montoya.  You killed my father.  Leave your name
and number and prepare to die."

"Greetings - you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.  We know who
you are and we know what you want.  At the sound of the tone, please hang up."

"Hello, this is Sid.  I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith and Weston 38
in the other.  Leave a message or the puppy gets it."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.  Your voice patterns
are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.  Once this is done,
our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally
thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.  There is no charge for this
initial consultation.  However, our staff of professional extortionists will
contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service,
and to arrange for your schedule of payments.  Remember to speak clearly at
the sound of the tone.  Thankyou."

"Hi, this is John.  If you're the 'phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.  If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money.  If you are my friends, you
owe me money.  If you are a female, don't worry - I have plenty of money."

"I can't come to the 'phone right now because alien beings are eating my brain.
Please leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings have assumed my
shape, one of them will get back to you."

"You've reached Jim and Sonya.  We can't pick up the 'phone right now because
we're doing something we really enjoy.  Sonya likes doing it up and down,
and I like doing it left to right, real slowly.  So leave a message, and when
we get done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you."

"I can't come to the 'phone right now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember.  Please leave my name and number after
the tone, and tell me a little about myself."

"(Rod Serling voice) There Dale sits, reading a magazine.  Suddenly the
telephone rings.  The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet
paper with Daryl in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds.
Will he make in time?  Alas - no, his valiant effort is in vain."

"[very fast] Hi this 9044344 if you wanna leave a message please wait for
the tone.  If you wanna leave your name and number please press pound, 3,
then dial your name, then press 6 and then dial your number.  If you wanna
leave your name and just a message, press star, then 6, ask for extension
4443 then leave your name and message.  If you wanna leave your number and
the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1
twice, talk loud and .... [beeeeep]"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------


      The other repeat (in the same vein) was forwarded on by John Stevens
      and appeared in FH back on February the 19th, 1999:
                           -------------------------

          Some MORE answering machine messages to choose from:

A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons is
why we're not here.
So leave a message (beee-e-e-eep)
                           %  %  %  %  %

"Hi.  (pause)  Now you say something."
                           %  %  %  %  %

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk
to it instead.  Wait for the beep."
                           %  %  %  %  %

"Hello.  I am David's answering machine.  What are you?"
                           %  %  %  %  %

From my Japanese friend in Toronto:
He-lo!  This is Sa-to.  If you leave message, I call you soon.  If you
leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
                           %  %  %  %  %

"Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one
of these magnets."
                           %  %  %  %  %

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave.  Her answering machine just eloped
with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.  Say, if you want
anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the
phone."
                           %  %  %  %  %

"Hello, you are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving
messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows, or a sauna tub, and
their carpets are clean.  They give to charity through their office and
do not need their picture taken.  If you're still with me, leave your
name and number and they may get back to you."
                           %  %  %  %  %

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, your
reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think
about returning your call."
                           %  %  %  %  %

"Hi.  I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
                           %  %  %  %  %

If you're are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone.  Otherwise, we probably aren't home
and it's safe to leave us a message."
                           %  %  %  %  %

"You're growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You feel very
sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions.  When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
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[ End Friday humour ]



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