Friday humour - August 31, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

Greetings on the last day of winter.  Although in the other hemisphere
Summer will go on for some time.  Strange world ...

It's Mineral Chemistry Book Launch day! - as if those at Clayton
didn't know - let's be nice to all the poor old fossils who turn up - we
are all getting one day older every day.  (Some of us more than others.)


   --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o--

   First this week from Olivine next door

I know you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were
stolen while he was passed out. Whilst that was an "urban legend,"this one
is not. It's happening every day. I'm sending this "warning" only to a few
of my closest friends. You too may have been a victim.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years
ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with
someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal.

Whose thighs were these? What happened to mine? I spent the entire summer
looking for them. I searched, in vain, at pools and beaches, anywhere might
find female limbs exposed. I became obsessed. I had nightmares filled with
cellulite and flesh that turns to bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry,
I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was
next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new
butt although badly attached, it was at least three inches lower than the
original to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.

A year later, it was my breasts. Once full, yet perky, they now lay like bags
of water on my chest, proud nipples no longer pointing forward greeting the
world head on, but looking down at my feet, hanging in shame.

Two years ago I realised my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing
my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my upper arms
swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. Bat wings!!  And I didn't
even see the Bat Signal! This was really getting scary!!!! My body was being
replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, one section at a time.  In the end, in
deepening despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age was supposed to creep up, unnoticed
and intangible, something like maturity.

NO, I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning. That's why I've
decided to share my story; I can't take on the medical profession by myself.

Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! That isn't really "plastic"
those surgeons are using. You know where they're getting those replacement
parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted,"
look again! Was it lifted from you? Check out those tummy tucks and butt
raisings. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids on that movie star?

I think I finally may have found my thighs, and I hope Cindy Crawford paid
a really good price for them!


   --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o--

A couple from Steve [redacted]

                Possibly the story of the year...

    What a laugh ... after reading this - there is nothing that I can do wrong!!

When ever I hear embarrassing stories about my friends I sort of chuckle a
little and let it pass. However, when a mate at UCD wrote me this letter,
telling me about her embarrassing experience, as sick as it was I could
not help but become hysterical. I asked my friend if I could write it up,
she didn't mind as long as I didn't use her name, so here it is:...

A girl, let's call her Linda, is in Trinity. Like all college students, she is
wrapped up in the partying and the wildness Trinners life has to offer. Linda,
being the computer science undergrad she is, does, however, have a lot of
work to do on her computer. So when she's not out having a good time, she's
working her ass off designing computer programs and installing software.

One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on
a Friday night for the first time in the three years they had been dating. She
was sad, alone and depressed, so she decided to make a new homepage. While she
was playing on the net, she decided to get onto a chat line. Being the wild
psycho she is, she logged onto a sex line. Over the line, she met a guy who
identified himself as Paul. She started playing with him, gave a false name,
saying her name was "Anne," and started getting into detail about what she
would like to do to him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture
being naked while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. Soon they
were having cybersex. This went on for a while, and then she got off the line
agreeing to meet him back on the line the following night.

Saturday night rolls around, and Linda, as 'Anne,' is on the line with Paul
again. They become even closer this night, and they continue like this for a
week. At the end of the week, they started talking about other things and got
into very intimate issues and feelings. They became close, exchanging details
about their lives, but Linda didn't tell Paul she was in college, because
she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. She felt guilty,
but after a few weeks, she really liked this guy.  The virtual relationship
carried on like this for months, and the months turned into a year. By the end
of the year, they had exchanged their most intimate thoughts, but had never
even spoken on the phone. They were afraid of ruining the mystery. 'Anne'
& Paul had done everything sexually possible over the net, and they were
affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could some day be together.

Finally the time had come; they had to meet each other. They were in love.
They didn't care about age or looks, but only for each other. Paul told!
Linda he thought she could be his next wife. Linda was wary at first but
decided she didn't care how old or ugly he might be. She loved him, and he
was the only one she could feel comfortable with. They planned a trip to meet
in Galway. They were finally going to see each other and spend the rest of
the weekend together. As Linda didn't want the hassle of trying to recognise
someone she's never seen, she said, "Why don't you just get a room at the Great
Southern? We'll meet there, and that way there will be no mistake." Paul agreed.

Linda showed up at the resort first and checked in, telling the receptionist
to hold a key for a guest. She then went up to the room.  Wanting things to
be special, she lit some candles and put on some music.  She stripped naked
and climbed into bed under the covers, deciding to surprise Paul when he got
there. The lights were out and the mood was right when she heard a key in
the door. She heard someone walking and around the corner. She whispered,
"Paul?" A voice replied, "Anne?", "Yes," she said, so he fumbled for the
light and turned it on to see Linda on the bed naked before him. The next
thing was two blood curling screams. Linda covered herself up, and in her
most humiliated voice said, "Dad!"

This really happened.
   --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o--


                          A Kiwi in London

Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow and was not feeling well, so
he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I don't feel so good" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had
prostate problems, and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc"
replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion eh!"

The second Pommy doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him
that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused
the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening
game he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from
someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu,
you huv prostate suckness eh". "What's the cure thin doc? " asked Wiremu
hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're
gonna huv to cut off your balls." "Phew, thunk god for thut! "said Wiremu,
"those Pommy bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me! "
   --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o--

          From Gary - the Finance Guru ...


A little boy walks into his parents' bedroom to find his mother on top of
his father, humping up and down. The mother spots her son and dismounts as
the boy leaves the room.

Worried about what her son has seen, the Mum quickly dresses and goes to find
him in his bedroom.

The son asks,"What were you doing to Daddy, Mom?" The Mum replies, "Well, you
know how Dad has a big tummy?" The boy answers, "Yes he sure does."  "Well, I
have to get on it sometimes to help flatten it," explained Mum.  The boy says,
"You're just wasting your time, that will never work." The Mum is confused,
"Why not, son?" "Because whenever you go shopping, the lady across the street
comes over, gets down on her knees in the bedroom, and blows his tummy back up!
   --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o--

             From sunny Brisbane Qcat:


          Life's Truisms: A few oldies and a few newies!

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid
problem?"

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes
for Christmas.

"I don't do drugs any more 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast."

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.

"I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner."

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros. (sorry)

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only
had ten disciples!

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. Yeah!

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in
value.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep
the first.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Mary's.

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different
languages.

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind
of fun, until we ran out of quarters.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want
to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've
stayed alive.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realise you are now so old,
you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see
your rear end without turning around.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery
tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section
in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

"Old" is when the porn movie you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis."

I mixed Rogaine with Viagra... now I've got hair like Don King.

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal
probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport!

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
   --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o--

            From Ben in windy Wellington ...

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with Million
dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful
when you drive.

If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair" Of course,
she teed off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest
house on the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out! Now
we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is
going to cost us." They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said,
"Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken
antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on
the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?" "Uh..., yeah,
we're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary.

Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in
that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed
to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last
one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem,"
said the genie, "You've got it. I have already put a million dollars in your
bank account. It's the least I can do."

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to
own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world."
she said. "Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name," the genie
said. "And now," the couple both asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman
in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind." The genie and the woman went
upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon.

Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over
and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?

"Why, we're both 35" she responded breathlessly.

"No shit! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
   --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o--

A few from Highett Dave

                Where Man got his Sex Life from

It seems when God was making the world, He called man over and bestowed upon
him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, "Only twenty years of
normal sex life?" But the Lord was adamant that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years."But I don't need 20
years," he protested,"ten's plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have
the other 10?" The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him 20 years. And the lion, like the
monkey, wanted only 10. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other 10?" The
lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given 20 years. But like the others, ten was
sufficient. And again man pleaded, "Can I have the other 10?" The donkey said
yes he could.

This explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying
around, 10 years of lion about it and 10 years of making an ass out of himself!
                      --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o--


              How many butts a day do you have???

Two gay guys are in a San Francisco bathroom using the urinals.

One of the guys looks at the other guy's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm
patch on it.

He turns to the other guy and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that
patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other guy replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to 2 butts a day.
   --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o--


                              The Widow

Sharon lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of
her mourning stage.

Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the
world. Finally, Sharon says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter
immediately replies," Mum ! I have someone for you to meet."  Well, it was
an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except
for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her
he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle,
my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows
he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black
panties on, and he is in his birthday suit........ except that on his erection
he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"

He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
   --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o--


    And some graphics which have arrived from all over ...
     you know who you are ...


Sock it to me Click here

No smoking Click here

Michelle Click here

Mr Bean Click here

Siamese twins Click here
[ NB: For the original collection of these, see the body painting collection
  from March 24, 2000 Click here ]


Cool cats Click here

Viagra testing Click here

Viagra jumping Click here

Tamanian Licence Application Click here

For those OS - this is a classic example of live Aussie TV.  Anything and
everything happens on GTV9's "The Footy Show".  The jewels of our Sam: Click here

Now this is a big one (as the Bishop said to the actress) - you may like
to click on it before a teabreak and watch it later when you're back and
raring to go:
Another, please Click here
   --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o--


       Interesting but true stuff from Colin Nexhip:

Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature
isn't just how you like it think about how things used to be.... Here are some
facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and
still smelled pretty good by June. However they were starting to smell so brides
carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Baths consisted of a big tub
filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean
water then all the other sons and men then the women and finally the children --
last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose
someone in it - hence the saying "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs--thick straw piled high with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm so all the dogs, cats, and other
small animals (mice rats, and bugs), lived in the roof. When it rained it became
slippery and, sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof-- hence
the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from
falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and
other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence a bed with big
posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
beds came into existence.  The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something
other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors
that would get slippery in the winter when wet so they spread thresh on the
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more
thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A
piece of wood was placed in the entry way -hence a "thresh hold."

They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly
vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner
leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the
next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a
while--hence the rhyme "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in
the pot nine days old."Sometimes they could obtain pork which made them feel
quite special. When visitors came over they would hang up their bacon to show
off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They
would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and
"chew the fat."
      --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o--


           And from the wild west, an old one (but a very good one) ...

                     SO YOU WANT TO DATE MY DAUGHTER?

Ten simple rules for dating my daughter...

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your
eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However,
in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and
fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication
of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will
make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time
for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup,
a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead
of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the
oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm
enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or
anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to
her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which features chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks
homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding,
middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you
are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the
driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent
Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the
guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into
the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak
the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need
for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
   --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o-- --o0o--


           Finally, from Aaron Torpy ...

                        POSTCARDS FROM HONEYMOON

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time
period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get
started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with
a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said
nothing but "Nescafe." Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen
and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the lastdrop."

Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Tahiti a week after the wedding, and the card
read: "Benson & Hedges." Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes
and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size."

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a
week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole
month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the
words: "British Airways." Mum took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the
airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
                      ---------------------------


         Oh - and the thought for the week comes from ... Olivine:

   The Romans didn't build their empire by holding committee meetings.
   They did it by killing all those who stood in their way.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[ End Fri humour ]


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