Friday humour - August 24, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

           yo - tgif b4 u poq Nsure u :) @ sum gr8 fh b+p.


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    Firstly a couple from Biggus McCallum ...


Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.  The
Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the
top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one
of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.  She
decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she
finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road,
and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time
downstairs!"

One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've
got a driver!"
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A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon
they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where
they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished,
they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes
outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked (thinking
he's pretty weird).

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked
where he'd been.

The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an
affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon
making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see
those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing
golf again, haven't you!"
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    From Lorne Turcotte in Canada (passed on via Guru Ron) ...

                         TRUTH OR URBAN MYTH?

A few months ago, this was heard over the airwaves of Chicago. Supposedly
this happened on a morning radio show. Can you imagine sitting in traffic
and listening to this? The DJs at WBAM FM have a game called "Mate Match".
They call someone at work and ask them if they are married or "attached". If
the contestant answers "yes" he or she is then asked three random yet highly
personal questions. This person is also asked the phone number of their
partner for verification.

DJ: Hey! This is Edgar at WBAM. Have you ever heard of " Mate Match?

Contestant: (Laughing) Yes. I have.

DJ: Great! Then you know we are giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if
you win. What is your first name?

Contestant: Brian

DJ: Brian, are you married or what?

Brian: Yes

DJ: Yes? Does that mean you are married or you're what?

Brian: (Laughing nervously) Yes, I'm married.

DJ: Thankyou. Now what is your wife's name?

Brian: Sara

DJ: Is Sara at work?

Brian: She's gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here!

Brian: (Laughing) Yes, she's at work.

DJ: Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Brian, stay with me here!

Brian: About 8 AM this morning.

DJ: Atta boy Brian.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...

DJ: Question #2 - How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want this trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if
a trip wasn't at stake.

Brian: Yeah, that trip would be nice.

DJ: Okay, final question. Where did you have sex?

Brian: (Laughing hard) ... I , ummmm, I, well...

DJ: This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her Mum is staying with us for a
couple of weeks...

DJ: Uh huh...

Brian: and her Mum was in the shower at the time.

DJ: Atta boy, Brian.

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: Not that great! That is more adventure than the previous hundred time
I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work
number and call her up. You listen to this.

(3 minutes of commercials)

Clerk: Hello, Kinkos Copies

DJ: Hey, is Sara there?

Clerk: Speaking

DJ: Sara this is Edgar from WBAM FM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking to Brian for a couple of hours.

Sara: (Laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
any anwers away or you'll lose. Soooo... do you know the rules of "Mate
Match"?

Sara: No

DJ: Good!

Brian: (Laughing)

Sara: (Laughing) Brian what the hell are you up to?

Brian: Just answer the questions honestly, okay. Just be completely honest.

DJ: Yeah Yeah Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your anwers
match Brian's, then the both of you will be of to Orlando for 5 days on us.
Disney World, Sea World, tickets to the Orlando Magic - the whole deal. Get
it, Sara?

Sara: (Laughing) Yes.

DJ: Okay, when did you last have sex, Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian... this morning, about 8 AM, before Brian went to work.

DJ: Very good. Next question - how long did it last?

Sara: 12 - 15 minutes maybe.

DJ: Hmmmm. Thats close enough. I'm sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are only one question away
from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?

Sara: (laughing) Yes

DJ: Where did you have it?

Sara: OH MY GOD BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?

Brian: Just tell them, honey.

DJ: What's bothering you so much, Sara?

Sara: Well, its just my Mum is vacationing with us and ...

DJ: Come on Sara... where did you have?

Sara: In the arse ...

After a long pause, the DJ said: Folks, we need to take a station break....
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    A Mad Mick of Marwick Collection ...


A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana, sits down, bangs on the bar
with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in
Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served and again the
bartender tells him forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in
bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to
eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar!!"

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears
in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and eats the woman. He comes back to
his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

  ..........


   ... keep going ...


      ........


          ....


        ... scroll down ....


               ....... you're gonna love it


  ....



      .... nearly there now ....



    ... okay, so ...


The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
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                JOKES GUARANTEED TO OFFEND SOMEBODY

Did you hear about the Irish parachute?
It opens on impact.

What's impossible to find in Wales?
Virgin wool.

What's yellow and ugly and sleeps alone?
Yoko Ono

What's endless love?
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

How do you start a Scotsman in a small business?
Give him a big business and let him take it from there.

What's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?
One less drunk.

Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
Her dog was too.

Why does John McEnroe wear a head band?
To hide his circumcision scar.

What do you call an Irishman with an IQ of 176?
A county.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

What's eight miles long and has an IQ of 40?
A St. Patricks day parade.

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A few lines of coke and about 10 beers.

What's a poofter?
A man who likes women more than beer.

What the difference between your sister and a Ferrari?
Most people haven't been in a Ferrari.

Why don't blacks have cheque books?
Because its hard to sign your name with spray paint.

What's the difference between an elephant and an Italian Grandmother?
Twenty pounds and a black dress.

Did you hear about the Irishman who studied 5 days for a urine test?

What do you call an Irishman in a tree?
A branch manager.

How do you brainwash a Pakistani?
Give him an enema.

What's black and shrivelled and hangs from a light socket?
An Irish electrician.

Have you heard about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

What's the Scottish males idea of foreplay?
A tap on the shoulder and "are you awake".

Why do Italian boys grow moustaches?
So they can look like their mothers.
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                        The Little Sparrow

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly
south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he
reluctantly started to fly south.

In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth, almost
frozen, in a barnyard. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow,
and the sparrow thought it was the end.

But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, he
started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and on hearing the chirping,
decided to investigate the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found
the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

    The moral of this story:

1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
3. If you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
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                          IRISH G.C.S.E. EXAM

1.  Who won the Second World War?

2.  Who came second?

3.  What is a silver dollar made of?

4.  Explain Einsteins theory of Relativity or write your name in block letters.

5.  Spell the following a) CAT b) DOG c) CARROT

6.  What time is News at Ten on?

7.  Approximately how many Commandments was Moses given?

8.  There have been six Kings of England named George. The latest was George
    the Sixth. Name the other five.

9.  Write down the number 1 - 10. Marks will be deducted for every number out
    of sequence.

10. Who invented Stephensons Rocket?

11. What musical instrument does Phil the Flutter play?

12. Do you understand Newton`s Law of Gravity? (Yes or No)

13. Of what Country is Dublin the capital?

14. Spot the mistake.... "An apple a day gathers no moss"

15. Who built the Great Pyramid?... McAlpine, Wimpey, Pharaohs

16. In the 1980 Irish Sheepdog Trials, how many dogs were found guilty?

NB. ANYONE FOUND COPYING WILL BE AWARDED DOUBLE MARKS FOR INITIATIVE.
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           From Snowfields Beryl:


                         STEVE AND DARREN

Steve & Darren were down on their luck and needed a beer.

After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents, Steve came up with a
brilliant idea.

I'll take the 50c and show you how we can drink all day for free!"

He went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in
Darren's fly. They then went to a nearby bar.

Two beers", said Steve to the barman. They downed them as fast as they could
and the barman waited for the money.

All of a sudden, Steve got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage
hanging out of Darren's fly.

Get out of my bar, you gay bastards!", the barman screamed and booted them
out the door. They did this all day, going to about 16 bars, and getting
thrown out before paying for their beers.

"I just can't do this any more", Steve whined. "My knees are getting sore
from kneeling down on the floor so much, we'll have to swap places."

"We can't", said Darren.  "We lost the sausage after the third pub."
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                 An Allnutt Selection ...


DON'T OPEN THE ATTACHMENT TILL YOU READ THE JOKE (and make sure your sound
is turned up...) No! it is not rude, just funny.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The
brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and
going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her a last
question:

"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""? The brunette thinks for a
second and responds "One". The interviewer sends her back with a promise
that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining
candidates.

The redhead is the next one, and the process goes about the same, and at the
end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She immediately says "One".
The interviewer says "ok, we'll let you know".

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally
gets asked "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She gets a vey serious
look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ....
hmmm - wait... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please? After going
through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the
answer: "Thirty two" The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell
me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"

(Now play the attached .wav file)

   Click here

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How could you get through the day without knowing.. .....

1. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred
and Wilma Flintstone.

2. Coca-Cola was originally green.

3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

4. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

5. The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

6. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% now get this...

7. The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

8. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

9. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:
61,000

10. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

11. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

12. The youngest pope was 11 years old.

13. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

14. Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

15. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king
fromhistory: Spades - King David; Hearts - Charlemagne; Clubs
-Alexander the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar

16. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

17. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the
air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse
has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

18. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July
4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August
2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

19. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

20. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that make them
looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

21. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a
Super bowl.

22. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports
games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major
League all-stars Game.

23. How about this.... The nursery rhyme "Ring around the Rosy" is a rhyme
about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular
sores ("Ring around the rosy..."), these sores would smell very bad, so
common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere
(inconspicuously) so that they would cover the smell of the sores
("... a pocket full of posies..."). People who died from the plague would be
burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ashes, ashes, we
all fall down!").

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Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
   requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
   would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
   printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

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1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
   When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer
   to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".

2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
   after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
   the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was
   lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as
   the honeymoon.

3. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England,
   when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own
   pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your
   P's and Q's".

4. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
   rim or handle of their ceramic cups.  When they needed a refill, they used
   the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired
   by this practice.

5. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the
   King (unless you were in the Royal Family).  When anyone wanted to have a
   baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they
   hung on their door while they were having sex.  The placard had F.*.*.*.
   (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it.
   So now you know where that came from.

6. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies
   Forbidden ... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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                   From Wayne the Deane ...


Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one.
  Michael J. Fox has a short one.
    Madonna doesn't use hers.
      Bill Clinton always uses his.
        The pope never uses his.

What is it?                     (answer after the graphics)
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   These pics came from Next Door's Olivine (the one with the sexy voice
   - I've never had the pleasure - come on now - of meeting her toe to toe),
   Steve H, Rosalie, Deanna, Little Di, Wellington Ben, Highett Dave, and
   Mark P.

Can't wait Click here

Penis enlarger Click here

On the job Click here

Arctic builders Click here

Service with a smile Click here

Beam me up Scotty Click here

Nasal spray Click here

Viagra hospital case  Click here

Big mouth Click here

Viagra overdose Click here

Priceless wedding Click here

The Mirror doesn't lie Click here

Funnies Click here

Big Dubya Click here
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              What is it?

              Very simple.

                A last name ...


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         A few from Wellington Ben


                               THE PENGUIN

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down.

He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to
the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of
hours to check out the car.

The penguin, being a good- natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to
find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and
hung out near the fish sticks.

After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate
several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in
ice cream.

The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head
saying, "It looks like you blew a seal."

Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."
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An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, then he
saw something, far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old
Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The
man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one
that goes nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you
that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant my brother
runs. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually
disappeared.

Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting
behind his card table. He said "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill.
Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a
tie."
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A Gisborne solo mum goes to WINZ to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" "10".

"10???" says the WINZ officer.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah ..." says the Gisborne girl "its great because if they are out playing
in the street I just have to shout "WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY" or "WAAYNE
GO TO BED NOW" and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed WINZ
officer..

"That's easy," says the single mum ... "I just use their surnames"
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           And a couple from the wild west:


                                EXERCISE ...

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm
doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
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A partner in a large law firm was sitting in his office late one night, when
Satan appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every
case you work on, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you,
your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing
sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, and the souls of all
your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
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            And finally, from Biggus ...


                          PAY ATTENTION, PEOPLE!

Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with
a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with
the body covered with a white sheet.

Then the professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it
is necessary that you not be disgusted."

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the ass of the dead
body, withdrew it and sucked it.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk
their finger in the ass of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said "And the second
most important quality is observation.  I sunk the middle finger and I sucked
the index.  PAY ATTENTION, PEOPLE! "
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   Quote of the week:

      "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make
       an exception."
                      - Groucho Marx
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[ End Fri humour ]


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