Friday humour - August 17, 2001

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

      Yo,
    In true Davo style, we'll start this weeks load of claptrap with a
    nice political editorial.  One of our librarians here at a certain
    un-named Oz Govt research establishment (who prefers to keep her name
    out of disreputable e-publications such as FH) sent this around a
    couple of days ago:

                        ------------- #### --------------
      "On the eighth day God created the Internet so that eventually everyone
      would know everything.  But mankind didn't want to share, and created new
      technologies to control the miracle of the Internet, and knowledge became
      a commodity.

      Scientists are the first to rebel, and 26,000 have signed a petition.
      After the first of September they'll refuse to cooperate unless
      scientific knowledge is set free."
                        ------------- #### --------------

    What the heck, you say?  Well, if you believe that scientists worldwide
    should be in a position to read papers by *other* scientists worldwide,
    go and listen to this when you have a spare hour and see how you feel after
    hearing it.  And maybe join the boycott.  It's from our National
    Broadcaster here in Oz - but it's relevant in every country:

 Knowledge Indignation: Click here
                         --------------------------

                                 HOUSEWORK

    And one bit of housework: Apologies to anyone clicking on FH pics between
    midnight last Friday and the following 3 or 4 days; you would have received
    a timeout message from your browser.  This was because the 'Bluehaze' web
    server (ie: mine) was in the process of being reconfigured for ADSL (and
    being the weekend, it was Monday arvo before AUNIC and Pacific Internet
    and yours-truly could propagate the new address out into the network).

    Incidentally, ADSL should be of no particular interest to you as a consumer
    unless:  (a) you can't get cable, or (b) you want to run network server(s).
    If you want the speed, you'd be better off ringing Optus (or even Telstra)
    and getting plugged into cable - much cheaper and faster!
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Onto the humour, and first up - these were passed on about 12 months
    ago by Brian McNicol (UK, near Chester):
                         --------------------------

Two explorers are in darkest Africa when they are captured by a strange tribe,
who it turns out speak English.  The first guy is told by the chief he has
two choices he can be executed or receive "Batatu" torture.

He chooses Batatu, and three big natives tear his pants down , put him over a
rock and in turn screw him.

After this the second guy is asked what he chooses.  Having seen what
happened to the first guy, he chooses execution.

The chief calls over a dozen big natives and says "Batatu him to death!!"
                               ---===###===---


An Australian is driving through the highlands of Scotland when he comes
across a kilted Scot having sex in a field with a sheep.

The Aussie hollers in his inimitable Aussie accent "Hey mate, we shears
our sheep in Australia!"

The Scot replies "That okay - in Scotland we don't share our sheep with anybody"
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         Now for a couple that were forwarded on by Steve kerosene-tin:
                     ---------------------------------

                              A GOOD CONFESSION

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me Father, for I have
sinned."

"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"

"I had sex with a girl."

"Who was it, Tommy?"

"I cannot tell you, Father.  Please forgive me for my sin."

"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" he asked.

"No Father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was."

"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"

"No Father, please forgive me for my sin," he replied.

"Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O'Keefe."

"No Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."

"Okay, Tommy.  Go and say five Hail Mary's and four Our Fathers and you will be
abolished of your sin."

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.

"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.

"Well I got five hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and three good leads."
                               ---===###===---


One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.  He'd toss them
in the air, then catch them in his mouth.  In the middle of catching one, his
wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
worried and decided to go to the hospital.  As they were ready to go out the
door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get
the peanut out.  The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.  When the father blew,
the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.  The young man insisted
that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen
for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.  The mother said, "That was so
wonderful.  Isn't he smart?  What do you think he's going to be when he grows
older?!"

The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers - our son in-law."
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          Here's a few pub-style riddles from up north (where I'll bet
          it's more than 4 degrees Celsius).  Print these out and stuff
         'em in your pocket for the pub tonight!
                         --------------------------

Why don't bunnies make any noise when they make love?
Because they have cotton balls.

Mum's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day.  What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people have a chance to have sex too.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

What three two-letter words denote "small"?
"Is it in?"

If you are having sex with two women and another walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said:
"I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
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                    From Trina, this true ultra-short story:
                         ----------------

This is on the back of my cousin's ute.  He works a farm in NSW:

"My girlfriend can't shear but you should see her crutch"
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


    And now to a few little pics (and one or two bigger ones).  First few
    were passed on by Tim P (wonder how he's faring in his new calling ...):

  Second hand: Click here
  Oh, not again: Click here
  Hair replacement: Click here
  Lies and statistics: Click here
  Solve global warming: Click here

    These were passed on by Steve (actually the son of Tony kero tin):

  Unfortunate (or maybe not): Click here
  Get your sushi here: Click here

    This is an (X-rated) Excel game passed on by Ian Madsen:

  Breast test: Click here

    This one was forwarded on by Ron K:

  Err ... excuse me, but ... Click here

    And this one came through via Aaron Torpy:

  Badger's Arse: Click here

    Finally for the week - one from XRD Jonian.  I just tested it on Steve's
    server but my Media Player complained, so you'll have to load it from
    bluehaze and just wait the 10 or 15 seconds it takes:

  World's shortest vacation: Click here
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         Now (if you can still find the time), some more ASCII humour.
         This one was passed on by Fifi (Tiger Biggus) McCallum:
                         --------------------------

                         BASIC GUIDE TO AUSSIE LIFE

1.  The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2.  The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3.  Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery,
    there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4.  If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media
    billionaire.  Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5.  There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

6.  On the beach all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them
    inside their sandshoes.  No thief has ever worked this out.

7.  Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic
    milk crate.

8.  All our best heroes are losers.

9.  The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the
    hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine
    example of Australian footwear.  A group of sheilas wearing black rubber
    thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

12. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be
    traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s,
    and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship".  Alternatively,
    Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

13. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to
    the mosquitoes.

14. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

15. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one
    that has the swimming pool.

16. It's considered better to be down on your luck than on yourself.

17. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family
    drinks too much.

18. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all
    night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

19. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres,
    you'd be a mug not to go.

20. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known.  You should take everything you
    own.  If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're
    not trying.

21. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front
    yard or on your front porch.  Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the
    fence is acceptable.  Just don't sit.  That's what backyards are for.

22. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

23. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog
    battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

24. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool
    will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

25. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.

26. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella
    in high winds.

27. Australians love new technology.  Years after their introduction, most
    conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call
    is "being made on my mobile".

28. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that
    the Aerogard is a darn sight worse than the flies.

29. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you.  No-one EVER says
    "cobber" to anyone.  EVER.
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                 And this is another one from Steve kero:
                         --------------------------


                       WHAT TO EXPECT ON A DATE WITH ...

  A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.

Third date:You get to have sex in the missionary position.  Then you promise to
marry her (but will probably abandon the idea).

  ITALIAN WOMAN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her mum makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having
sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

  JEWISH WOMAN:

First Date: You get a dynamite blow job.

Second Date: You get another great blow job.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

  MALAY WOMAN:

First date: You get to touch those big breasts of hers.

Second date: You get to home base with her.

Third date: You have to promise her that you are gonna get circumcised.

Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole family.
The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three other times
as allowed under Muslim law.

  CHINESE WOMAN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happened.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens
again.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realised
nothing is going to happen.

  INDIAN WOMAN:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.

  BLACK WOMAN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a really expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant.

  IRISH WOMAN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

  GREEK WOMEN:

First Date: You find out she's a chain smoker and heavy drinker, despite the
fact she's under-age.

Second date: You get her really pissed and have sex.

Third date: You find out she was a virgin and her dad and 30 uncles are all
out searching for you with a shotgun and a priest who's ready to perform the
wedding liturgy.
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          Penultimate piece this week comes from our Illinois
          correspondent, one Nestor J. Zaluzec esq:
                         --------------------------

             "DEAR ABBY" WAS SPEECHLESS WHEN THESE CAME IN ...

  Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  One is a middle-aged gym
teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.  These two women
go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or
come out.  Do you think they could be Lebanese?

  Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

  Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust.  He cheats so much, I'm not even sure this
baby I'm carrying is his.

  Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two
years.  It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the
cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

  Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him
with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

  Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was raised in a
good Christian home turn against his own?

  Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week
for two-and-a-half years.  He must be crazy.

  Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one
night he came home sober.

  Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift?  I tried
for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
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     And to finally conclude for another week (a damn cold one in Melbourne,
     but hopefully it might mean some snow on the mountains for Russell next
     week) - this one from the Vision Factory's Lars Jensen:
                         --------------------------

                             CONFUSING RESULTS

Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and
we have a problem.  When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the
samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain
which one is your wife's.  Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease
and the other for AIDS.  We cannot tell which is your wife."

Mr Smith: "That's terrible!  What am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle
of town and if she finds her way home, don't fuck her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Fri humour ]




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