Friday humour - August 10, 2001
From Davo at Bluehaze:
Yo ... way to go ...
I T 'S B A C K !
L A U G H R A D I O
.oooO ( )
( ) ) /
\ ( (_/
For the first time ever on the AM dial - hopefully in stereo!
Recommencing this weekend - on 1503 - where 3AK used to be.
On another humourous matter "The Brittas Empire" is screening daily on
Foxtel's UK-TV. They are currently screening episodes that were never shown
on free-to-air in Oz. I have a tape of eight episodes that were screened on
our ABC - before the Liberal Party stacked the board with assorted party
hacks and decimated its budget. If anyone in Clayton would like to borrow
it let me know.
Here's a quickie from Digitronics' Steve:
Patient: Doctor, I feel like I'm covered in gold paint.
Doctor: Oh that's just a gilt complex.
A couple from Beryl where it has finally snowed in Marysville ...
A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with
him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that
he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary
write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realising that the
whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque
for $250 and enclosed a note:
Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am
not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was
under the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that
there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250
with the following note:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if
you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed
of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please
don't blame the landlord.
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously
embarassed, looks at her kind of strangely. She is, after all, over 80 years
of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
>From Russell over at the Tea House - and Dave at Highett
This guy lives alone and he is feeling a bit lonely, so he goes to the pet
shop to get something to keep him company. The pet shop owner suggests an
unusual pet; a talking millipede. "OK" says the man,"I'll give it a go..."
So he buys the millipede, takes it home, and for lack of advance
preparations, makes it a temporary home in a cardboard box. That evening
testing his new pet, he leans over the closed box and says, "I'm going to
the pub for a drink, do you want to come too?"
He waits a few moments but there is no reply. He tries again, "Hey,
millipede, wanna come to the boozer with me???" Again, no response.
Disgusted by his gullible nature, he decides to give it one more try before
returning the millipede to the pet shop.
So he gets real close to the box and shouts, "I SAID I'M GOING TO THE PUB
FOR A DRINK. DO YOU WANNA COME?"
"For God's sake, I heard you the first time!!" snaps the millipede, "I'm
just putting my fuckin' shoes on..."!
From Ian Madsen:
Very late one night, a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to
kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little
horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall
and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blow job ?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad ? My parents may see us!" Him: "Oh come
on! Who's gonna see us at this hour ?" Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if
we get caught ?" Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all
sleeping!" Her: "No way. It's just too risky!" Him (horny as hell): "Oh
please, please, I love you so much!?" Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too,
but I just can't!" Him: "Oh yes you can. Please ?" Her: "No, no. I just
can't." Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little
sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she
says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Otherwise I can do it.
Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it ... But for fucks
sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom...".
From the wild west:
Religions defined in a nutshell
Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it.
Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?
Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?
Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage.
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
A selection from Wellington Ben ...
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a
comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called
Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town To
town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And
Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a
camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place
drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you
have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And
the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all
the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But
this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside
Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did
take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS
for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and
the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every
drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would
work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to
be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot
replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham.
And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.
30 WAYS DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
[As a matter of fact arithmetic was never one of Ben's best
subjects at Hawkes Bay Primary - Ed]
1] If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your motel room free of
2] The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
3] If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
4] Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
5] People think fat dogs are cute.
6] A dog will let you put a studded leather collar on it without calling you
7] Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
8] A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
9] If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
10] If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad ... they just
find it interesting.
11] Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
12] On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
13] A dog's disposition stays the same all month.
14] It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
15] A dog's parents never visit.
16] No dog ever put on a hundred pounds after reaching adulthood.
17] Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
18] Dogs agree; to get your point across, you have to raise your voice.
19] Dogs like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.
20] Dogs like to do their snooping outside, rather than in your wallet or desk.
21] Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman Marcus.
22] Dogs seldom outlive you.
23] If a dog leaves you, it won't try to take half your stuff.
24] Dogs can't talk.
25] Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
26] You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day
27] Dogs like to go hunting.
28] Another man will seldom steal your dog.
29] If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of
you at the same time.
30] A dog will not wake you up at night and ask you, "If l died, would you
get another dog?"
31] Dogs don't mind if you watch them piss or shit.
Old is when ...
1. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer,
"Pick one, I can't do both!"
2. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
3. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
4. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
5. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to
6. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
7. "Getting a little action," means I don't need to take any fiber today.
8. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
9. "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around,
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark:
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When
he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a
vacation after the next big heist, then began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as
a bell he hears: "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source
of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came
to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
Yep," the parrot squawked, I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?", the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
Some pics and videos for the pointy clicky ones amongst us ...
Some from Beryl, Ben, You Know Who You Are, and Yours Truly.
Can anyone recommend some sites that we could plunder in this regard?
Please!!!! (Mad Mick - where are you?? - surely not on council business?
- forget the potholes for a few minutes and focus on what are the big issues.)
Now - some of these may not work - and our great Guru Tony advises that it
may be a problem with Telstra. I'd rather go right to the top and blame
No parking Click here
Crosseyed cat Click here
Tough dog Click here
Party dog! Click here
Plenty of fluids Click here
Motumbo Click here
Not quite the real thing Click here
The real thing? Click here
Who knows? Click here
Elevator ride Click here
To those not in Minerals Footy Tipping Competition this diatribe went on
this week relating to Biggus McCallum being found cavorting in a Richmond
Late Bulletin - Footytips Round 18
Apologies to all and sundry - this message should have gone to all tipsters
but it appears Mike Horne in the UK was the only recipient - and isn't that
just always the way.
The organiser is in a lot of stress following four straight Magpie losses ...
Mid-week Update - Nobody tipped the field again.
Round 19 Jackpot = $150.00.
The ladder does follow ... hopefully ...
While here in The Old Country, I'm getting some email, but I suspect not
all. This has happened before while I've beeen away. Have you updated the
Footy Tipping yet? I've not received an updated list after the last round,
and would like to know how its going given the mighty upsets of the round.
Can you send me an update please (if you weren't too upset by Biggus's
conversion that is...)
From: Short, Greg (Minerals, CSIRO)
Sent: Tuesday, August 07, 2001 9:21 AM
To: [several] Subject: Saved!
It gives me great pleasure to announce that a wretched sinner has been saved
from his perversion and has seen the light! Hallelujah! See the look of ecstasy
on his face as he realises that no longer will he burn in AFL hell!
Feel free to share this wonderful news with as many people as you can.
Praise the Lord!
On Tue, 7 Aug 2001, McCallum, David (Minerals, Clayton) wrote:
Too right I'm retching at wearing that scarf!
It's certainly clear to me Biggus that you're masquerading as a Tigers
supporter outside the Punt Road washroom about to cut off any lurking Tigers
... mid-stream. Just as well we can't see that sharp instrument in your
right hand. :)
-----Horny's Final Say-----
Hallelujah indeed! On hearing this "Road to Damascus" conversion, I hastily
organised a prayer of thanks at one of the more holy cathedrals here in
Oxford. Upon finding out the reason for the thanksgiving the bishop fell to
his knees, and wept.
"There is yet hope for us all!" he uttered before passing out completely.
All is in pandemonium...
Praise be to Biggus.
From Rosalie Louey ...
BIRTHDAY BELIEF SYSTEMS
Idealism: Happy Birthday.
Capitalism: I shopped all day for your birthday.
Atheism: I can't believe it's your birthday.
Hinduism: Holy Cow! Is it your birthday?
Taoism: It's everybody's birthday.
Buddhism: If your birthday party was held in the forest and nobody came...
would it make a sound?
Existentialism: Your birthday means nothing to me.
Sarcasm: You don't look half bad for someone twice your age.
Finally a couple from QCAT shining in the noonday sun
17 Reasons why alcohol should be served at work
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
17. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the
bathroom saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that I've got really
smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from
her while we dated, but she's bound to find out sooner or later."
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "How do I tell
my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it
from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a
week, he's bound to find out."
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he
walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, puts his arm around her
neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a
confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
And Ben's thought - and interesting site - for the week:
"If a small Ice Cream (Ice Block) is called a Popsicle, then what do they
call a small test??".
(This site was devised with Sammy Newman in mind.)
[ End Fri humour ]
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