Friday humour - August 03, 2001

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Hi,
    And Augustus is finally here.  Julius Caesar named July after himself after
    reforming the Roman calendar in 46 BC, then along came Augustus Caesar who
    clarified and completed the it (and named a month after himself as well).
    But big Julie had gone one better, of course - he'd also named the whole
    jolly calendar after himself (Julian calendar).  Those Romans were busy ...

    Anyway, to start the month of Augustus, we've got contributions from the
    Harding mob (Steve and Maria), the Old West, QCAT (up North), Mad Mick,
    both Tony and Steve Kerassitis, XRD Jonian, and John Sharples.

    First up, this little bit of the old Irish from Steve Harding ...
                             --------------------------


An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions.

A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession.

"Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession.  These are my sins:
Last night I had sex with Fanny Green."

"That is your sin?"

"Yes, Father."

"You are forgiven.  Go out and say one Hail Mary."

The man leaves.

Soon, another man enters and kneels.

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession.  These are my sins:
I have had sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month."

The priest thinks to himself this Fanny Green woman is fairly popular with
his male parishioners ...

"Those are your sins?"

"Yes, Father."

"You are forgiven.  Go out and say three Hail Marys."

The man leaves.  Soon, another man enters and kneels down.

"Father, it has been six months since my last confession.  These are my sins:
I have had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last six months."

This time, the priest just has to ask: "Who is this Fanny Green?"

"Just a woman I know, Father."

"Very well, you are forgiven.  Go out and say ten Hail Marys."

The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this
Fanny Green woman is.

The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass.
Suddenly the doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman,
a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, a green hat with
a long green feather coming from it and very bright green shoes with green
leather heels.  She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front
of the priest, her knees apart.

The priest cannot help but stop and stare.  He finally catches himself, and he
leans over to ask an altar boy, "Pssssst.  Is that Fanny Green?"

The altar boy leans over and has a careful look, then he says, "No, Father,
I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.
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           Now it's time for a little somethin' from the wild west ...
                         -----------------------------

                         TEST YOUR BASIC BAR KNOWLEDGE

1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
   = We won't be here long enough to get another round.

2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
   = Happy hour is about to end ... beers are now a dollar, but by the next
     round they'll be $4.50 a pop.

3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?"
   = I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive
     friend into a compromising position.

4. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
   = What's cheap?

5. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE." (FEMALE)
   = I'm easy.

6. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE (MALE)
   = I'm gay.

7. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (FEMALE)
   = I'm really easy.

8. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (MALE)
   = I'm really gay.

9. "DO YOU HAVE ANY SAMBUCA?"
   = I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the
     morning.

10. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
    = I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

11. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
    = If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I'll do to you
      in bed?

12. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE)
     = I am really annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

13. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (MALE)
    = It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking (?) hour ago.  Hell, I probably
      spent half my pay cheque in here last night - it's the least you can do
      for me

14. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
    = You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.

15. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE)
    = I'm horny.

16. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
    = I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at
      diverting attention.

17. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
    = Get the hell out of the way.

18. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
    = I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.

19. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
    = Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.

20. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
    = Move your fat a.s.s. Who do you think you are anyway?  You're certainly
      not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a ho ... And get your
      eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you like the s.l.u.t you are, b.i.t.c.h.

21. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
    = Did I sleep with him/her?

22. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
    = I'm 16.

23. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
    = I don't have a licence since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my
      last visit here.

24. "NO, REALLY, I'M OK TO DRIVE."
    = I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going
      home with.

25. "I'M NOT USED TO THESE DARTS."
    = I'm can't throw anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

26. "LET'S GO OUT TO MY CAR AND GET SOME CIGARETTES." (MALE TO FEMALE)
    = You would look great face down in my lap.

27. "I'VE HAD LIKE 10 BEERS ALREADY."
    = I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

28. "YOU GO AHEAD, I'LL CATCH A CAB."
    = I already lined up a ride home with your 'ex'.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Here's another quickie from Steve the Harding just before we get
          to one from the other Steve ...
                             --------------------------

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.  Clearly
impressed, he buys a pack.  Upon getting home he announces to his wife the
purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "what makes them so special?"

"There are three colours," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver?  It would be
nice if you came second for a change!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Okay - to a cupla pics.  Steve Harding passed on this interesting
       link from the NASA site:

   Earth light: Click here

       Next one's from John at Museum of Victoria (well ... he was until 2
       days ago when the MoV management decided that our $30m coin collection
       doesn't justify employing a Numismatics curator to look after it):

   A look inside the brain: Click here

       Couple from XRD Jonian ...

   Peacock: Click here
   Last laugh: Click here

       And one from Maria the Harding:

   Courage: Click here

       This one from Tony the Kerassitis:

   Ever feel like this? Click here

       Next lot were passed on by SOT (Steve K):

   Alignment shop: Click here
   High speed effects: Click here
   I always lock my car: Click here

       Last one's anonymous ('cos I can't track down who sent it)
       Firstly they added dividers between the urinals.  Next comes ...

   The DMT cubicles: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Raaa-a-a-gto ... back to ASCII stuff again, and this little story
       that was passed on by Steve Kerassitis ...
                             --------------------------

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when
something goes wrong and it breaks down.  Luckily, she happens to be near a
farmhouse.  She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.

When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke
down!  I don't know what to do!  Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow
when I can get some help?"

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with
 my sons Jed and Luke."

She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer.
She judges them to be in the early twenties.

"Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny
just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.  So she quietly goes
into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways
of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear
these rubbers."  She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all
night long.

Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and
forth.

Jed says, "Luke?"

Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

Jed says, "Yer remember thet blonde woman that came by here about forty years
ago and shewed us the ways of the world?"

"Yehhh," says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "Reckon not."

"Me neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And another one that was forwarded on by Maria the Harding:
                             --------------------------


                    FAMOUS FBI HOMICIDE CASES OF THE 1990s

Peter Stone, 42 years old, was murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had
just sent to her room with no dinner.  Young Samantha Stone felt that if she
couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison
tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner.  The victim took one
sip and promptly collapsed.  Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence
as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to
poison her mother using the same method one month later.
                              ---===###===---

Megan Fry, 44 years old, was killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered
onto a live firing, fake town, simulation.  Seeing all the troopers walking
slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled
Boo!.  The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between
them, over 40 of them hitting the target.  She just looked like a very real
looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
                              ---===###===---

Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was
killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour.  Over a period
of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite
that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning.  Although
she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness,
extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended
a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
                              ---===###===---

Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car
with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4).  The Ford Taurus she was driving
was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as
the Oklahoma Bombing.  The explosion was heard by several persons some up
to 14 kilometres away.  No trace of the car or the victim were ever found,
only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.
                              ---===###===---

Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of
a Sunday morning.  Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom
jet engine in his rear yard.  He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty
block at the back of his property.  Patty Winter would constantly complain
to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of
fire.  Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately.

Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat
about the whole situation.  What Winter didn't know was that he had changed
the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it,
hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever
burning her outline into the driveway.
                              ---===###===---

Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard, With a
Vengeance as inspiration.  He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost
catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read
Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK on the other.  Lewis
then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off.  Two minutes
later Berry was deceased.
                              ---===###===---

Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after
a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents'
passed away.  Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell.
After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later,
and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas.  He then
left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying "Sorry for the spree -
have a puff on me, Brian."

Minutes later, Brian was deceased.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


            Up north now to QCAT and this little bit of twaddle:
                             --------------------------

Three friends, two straight guys and a gay guy, and their significant Others
were on a cruise.  A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship.  They all drowned,
and next thing you know, they were standing before St. Peter.  First came one
of the straight guys and his wife.  St. Peter shook his head sadly and said,
"Sorry, I can't let you in.  You loved money too much.  You loved it so much,
you even married a woman named Penny!!!"

Then came the second straight guy.  Again St. Peter shook his Head and said,
"Sorry, can't let you in either.  You loved food too much.  You loved to eat
so much, you even married a woman named Candy!!!"

Finally, the gay guy turned to his boyfriend almost in tears, and whispered
nervously, "It doesn't look good, Richard !!!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


               Then there was this one from Cr Mick Maddus in the UK ...
                             --------------------------

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first
wedding night with the young man's parents.  In the morning, his mother got up
and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden
and gourmet food.  She went to the bottom of the stairs and called everyone
to come down to breakfast.

Everyone came down, except the newlyweds.

After a long wait, the family ate without them.  The mother said, I wonder
why they never came down to eat?"

The groom's young brother said, "Mummy, I think..."

"Oh, shut up.  I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not
wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.

At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called
the young couple to eat.  Five minutes went by and she called again.  After
another long wait, the family proceeded to eat.  As she was cleaning the table,
mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"

Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately
shut him up.  At dinner the same thing happened.  After the meal, mother once
again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day.  The young lad
once again said, "Mummy I think..."

"Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily.

"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night,
he got my model airplane glue instead."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And to close out another week of nonsense - this contribution from
      one Steve Kerassitis:
                             --------------------------

Two buddies, Jeff and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly
Jeff throws up all over himself. "Oh, no, Jane will kill me!! "

Steve says, "Don't worry, pal.  Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and
tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the
dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple hours and get even drunker.  Eventually Jeff
rolls into his house, and Jane starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol, *and* you puked all over yourself!  My God, you are just
disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Jeff says "Nowainaminit, I can
e'splain everything!  Itsh not what you thinks, I only had a couple drinks!
But this other guy ... he got shick on me ... e'd had one too many and couldn't
hold his grog!  He shed he was sorry an' gave me twenny bucks for the cleaning
bill!"

Jane looks in his breast pocket and says "But this is FORTY dollars!"

"Oh yeah ..." says Jeff. "Almosht forgot (hic) ... he shat in my pants too."
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[ End Friday humour ]



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