Friday humour - July 27, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

   Yo -  Marvellous Mick from Marwick has come forth with a solution to the
   FH Wrap.  It's called StripMail and can be found at

     Click here

   so I used it and was really happy with it.  Thanks Mick!  But then I
   printed the draft and though it prints OK from Pine it wraps all over the
   place when printed from Outlook.

   If someone can suggest what should be done with Outlook I'd be most
   obliged.  Best suggestion wins a Mars bar (postage paid).

   [ Idiotorial note - a few jokes from the original posting were repeats and
     have been deleted from this archived version to avoid duplication (if you
     get my drift).  - Tony, Bluehaze ]

           To humour - from Mike Horne:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain
and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.  But I
want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing
on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In
fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember", said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything
aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the
seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting his
front yard weeping.

"Noah", he shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there are big
problems. First, I had to get a Resource Consent for construction and your
plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the
plans and get an engineers report from the Council. Then I got into a fight
with NZ Fire Service over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system
and smoke alarms, and the Ministry of Health over the provision of smoking
or non-smoking areas. Then the Residents Association objected, claiming I was
violating SAM zoning ordinances by building an Ark in my front yard that was
a recreational watercraft and therefore a threat to existing homes."

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because of the ban on
native logging on the West Coast. They tried to get me to use Fijian Jarah
but I couldn't get the necessary dispensation from Customs & Excise to import
timber from a Pacific Island nation that wasn't party to the international
working party on the life cycle of native timbers. I finally convinced DOC
that I needed the wood to indirectly save the kakapo from extinction which
seemed to get a bit of a reaction, however, the Royal Forest and Bird Society
objected and won't let me catch any Kakapo. No kakapo. No wood."

"Under the new Employment Contracts Act, the carpenters formed a union and
went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement under the provisions of
good faith bargaining before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer."

"OSH arrived and now I have to produce a Hazard Management and Safety procedure
before they start work and ACC are insisting we pre-pay our annual premiums
on the basis we may not be returning. So now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark,
but no Kakapo and no wood."

"When news got out that I was rounding up other animals, MAF arrived and
insisted I build quarantine facilities to hold them in for the 6 months
before sailing. They also wanted blood samples to prove no genetic engineering
practices were involved."

"The next thing I know, the Regional Council is knocking on my door. They
want an Environmental Impact Report on the proposed flood: the area it would
cover, the amount of water in cubic metres, impact on local micro-ecosystems,
velocity and force of water, cost to manufacturing and production and local
transport, areas for possible relocation and resettlement. I tried telling
them they were missing the point entirely."

"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Opportunities Commission and the Race Relations Office that our selection
criteria does not fairly reflect the age, gender, religious and race diversity
of Earth."

"Finally WINZ has waded in. They have seized my assets for alleged non-payment
of child support. It seems a local baseball coach is claiming I knocked her up
last year at the tapu lifting ceremony for the relocation of the New Plymouth
cemetary. Mrs Noah is beside herself. She's enrolled herself in the Women in
Leadership Seminar and has applied to the Waitangi Tribunal for her share of
Tainui's corporate box at Ericson stadium and is leaving me."

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years,"
-Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A
rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.

"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

No", said the Lord sadly. "I don't need to. The government already has."

             And from Lee over at Melb Uni

There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and
jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring
his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the exception of
his penis, which he readily decided to do something about.

He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand,
except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon
seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with
her cane, remarking to the other little old lady, "There really is no justice
in the world!"

The little old lady said, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady said, "Look at that! When I was 20 I was curious
about it; when I was 30 I enjoyed it; when I was 40 I asked for it; when I
was 50 I paid for it; when I was 60 I prayed for it; when I was 70 I forgot
about it; and now that I am 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I am
too old to squat!!!!"

Mitchell, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race
track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt
when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the
forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Low and behold, this horse -- a very long shot--won the race. Mitchell was
most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he
watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up,
and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a
beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even
though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the
priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed
a horse, Mitch bet on it, and won! Mitch was elated.

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it
always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the
last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a
quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the
priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last
race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch placed his bet - every cent he owned and watched the horse come in
dead last.

Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found
the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses
and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost
my life savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants
you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

    Dear Mr ------ --------,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very
basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an
intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your
consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my coworkers during the
commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few
true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to
explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to
stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of
precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were
apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who
watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for
the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as
incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options.

You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try
and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective
as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than
you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for
fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may
have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have
responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent
will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution,
you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers
like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation
is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal,
I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give
me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to
comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of
years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on
your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every
password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I
am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when
you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like
"Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers
b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of
yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the
techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd
acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and
kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of
recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct
your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my
desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your
little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never fuck
with your sys admin, because they know what you do with all your free time.


    .... ...  .....


   From Donn in Florida - a factual account from The St. Petersburg Times:

"For a mind-numbing runaround, press 1 now!"
   BRUCE LOWITT -Times staff writer.
(From a transcript of a telephone call to the Social Security Administration.)

   My father-in-law, Morris Brand, died on July 11. I called the agency's
   toll-free number, 1-800-772-1213, to inquire about the change in benefits
   for my mother-in-law, Minnie. The call lasted two minutes and two seconds.

   After eight calls identical to this one, I reached someone who helped me:

"Thank you for calling Social Security. We offer service in English and
Spanish. If you wish to conduct your business in English and have a Touch-Tone
phone, press 1 now."

Beep (1)

"To ensure that you receive accurate and courteous service, your call may be

Many services are available on our Internet site at www. ssa. gov, including
the application form for a new or replacement Social Security card and the
location and directions to your local Social Security office. To hear a list
of the major services offered on our Internet site, press 1 now.

Our automated selections can also serve you quickly.

For an application to obtain or replace a Social Security card, press 2

If you are calling about a Social Security statement you recently received,
or if you would like to request a statement of your earnings and an estimate
of future Social Security benefits, press 3.

For proof of current payments, press 4.

For Medicare information or a replacement Medicare card, press 5.

For the address and working hours of your nearest office, press 6.

For a list of pamphlets and a list of general information messages, including
a message about Social Security and SSI payment delivery dates, press 7.

To speak with a representative, press 0 or remain on the line. To hear
these options again, press 9.

Beep (0)

If you are currently receiving SSI benefits or have a question about eligibility
for SSI benefits, press 1 now.

If you are calling for any other reason, press 2 or remain on the line."

Beep (2)

"Please hold ..." (seven seconds of music).

"All circuits are busy now. Please try your call later."

Click; fast busy signal.

    Here's a selection of graphics from Ben, QCAT, and you know who you are.
    Some old - some new.  I've had a spot of trouble FTPeeing this week.

    We need more pics and videos!!!

    [ Another idiotorial note (Tony): And some of these are repeats too! ]

Pissed off! Click here

Moon River Click here

The executive washroom Click here

Little Johnny Click here

Dream Holiday Click here

Quick - everyone to theatre Click here

Hey it's smoko time Click here

Stretching things a bit Click here

      And now - from Maria Harding ...

                      PROFOUND THOUGHTS

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have any film.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then
used against you.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it
on the cost of living.

Just remember.... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone
would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything - where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's

The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those
who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.

I wish the buck stopped here - I could use a few.

             From the Wild West ...

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven... don't step
on the ducks So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over
the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes
St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together
and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity
chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages
to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up
to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall,
tan, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for
all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

        From Digitronics Steve (who helps alot with all of this):

An Italian man, relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, managed to attract
a spectacular young blonde woman.  He invited her back to his apartment,
and after some small talk they made love.  After a pleasant interlude, and,
at what seemed to him to be the appropriate time, he stretched, asked with
a smile, "So... you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No."

Pleasantly surprised, the young man reached for her and had his way with
her again.  This time she's wild, thrashing about on the bed and climaxing
with screams of passion.

Again, the young man smiles, and asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him,
and says "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man
reaches for his date.  It takes all of his strength and he barely manages
to do it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and
ripping bed sheets.  It's dawn by then, and, entirely spent, the exhausted
man falls onto his back, gasping.  Barely able to turn his head, he looks
into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "You finish!?"

"No!" she shouts back. "Swedish!"

                And finally - from Brian McNicol:

         Now I lay me down to sleep,
         I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
         One who's handsome, smart and strong,
         One who's "willy" is thick and long.

         One who thinks before he speaks,
         When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
         I pray that he is gainfully employed,
         And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed.

         One who pulls out my chair & opens my door,
         massages my back & begs to do more.
         Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
         knows just what to say when I ask. "How big is my behind?

         One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
         In the hall, the shower, the garden and kitchen!
         I pray that this man will love me to no end,
         And never attempt to screw my best friend.

         And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
         I look at the shit-head you sent me instead.

           And the thought for the week from Guru Bob:

  "When Collingwood loses to the Kangaroos at Colonial Stadium by two
   points, a billion people in China don't care....think about that."

[ End Fri humour ]

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