Friday humour - July 20, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

   Yo - and I must apologise for the FH wrap (for those who have one).  I
   produce this in Outlook after trying to get rid of non-text characters in
   Notepad - and then removing all the >>>> characters in WordPerfect.

   It looks OK on my screen in both Outlook and Pine.  Then I print both
   versions and there are unexpected wraps all over the place.

   If anyone has the solution to this problem then please share it with me.

   And I must thank our union (the CPSU) for providing us today with all-day
   suckers (whatever they are called) celebrating CSIRO's EB agreement and
   the 4% payrise.  I always wondered what they did with our subs!

                            [ e d i t o r i a l ]

   Now that Laugh Radio has gone into hibernation for a while it may be a
   good idea for those interested to send a message to the Australian
   Broadcasting Authority requesting them to give Laugh Radio
   a permanent spot on the dial.  Two FM community licences and 3AK's old
   spot at 1503 AM are up for grabs at the moment.  There are 20  consortiums
   (of one sort or another) trying to grab these permanent licences.  And
   Laugh Radio is truly unique - alot of it in stereo.  If you care, please
   send the ABA a quick message supporting this wonderful station - virtually
   controlled by the famous cousin of the infamous Mad Mick from Marwick.

      First up, a collection from Nestor on the sunny shores of Lake Michigan:

                               WOMAN WITH A GUN

While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season,
his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along.  After several
hours of arguments, the wife won.

That next morning they drove out to the country, and he placed his wife in a
tree about 100 yards from his blind.  Just as the hunter reached the blind,
he heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position.

As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and
shouting, "It's my deer!  Get away from it!!  The sheepish-looking stranger
just nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady..  It's your deer.  Just let me get my
saddle off of it!"
            - o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o -

                                WHERE'S HENRY?

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.  That
night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an
eight point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry had a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal
            - o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o -

                                BBQ ANYONE?

A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community.  Being good Catholics
they welcomed him into their community.  But, also because they were good
Catholics, they did not eat red meat on Fridays.  So, when their neighbour
began barbecuing some juicy steak on Friday nights, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it.  After much talk
they convinced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest
and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:

You were born Protestant.  You were raised Protestant.  But now you are

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbours sat down to eat their fish, they were
disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house.  They
went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed
to eat beef on Fridays.  When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the
beef saying:

    You were born a cow.
    You were raised a cow.
    But now you are fish.
            - o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o -

                        SIGN IN A RESTAURANT:

                             I   I
                             (o o)

                  Guys:  No shirt, No service

                  Girls: No shirt, No charge

        *--------------------/   \Oooo.-----------------*
                          .oooO  (   )
                          (   )   ) /
                           \ (   ( /
                            %%   %%

         - o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o -

A man was stopped by a game-warden in East Texas recently with two buckets of
fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.  The game warden asked the man,
"Do you have a licence to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir.  These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!"  the warden asked.

"Yes, sir.  Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them
swim around for a while.  I whistle and they jump back into their buckets,
and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey!  Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll
show you.  It really works."

"OK.  I've GOT to see this!."  The game warden was curious now.

The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited.  After several
minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well ?"

"Well, What?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?"  The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?"  The man asked.

"The fish." replied the warden.

"What fish?"  The man asked.
            - o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o -

            A quickie from Steve Harding (common as muck ...)

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks
her husband to stop the car.  There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the
road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death, can we
take it with us and get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, get in the car with it".

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs, it's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose"
            - o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o -

                     Another from Stateside Nestor ...

                           BEER PHILOSOPHY

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.  Then
I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of
their hopes and dreams.  If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work
and their dreams would be shattered.  Then I say to myself, "It is better that
I drink this beer and let their dreams come true, than be selfish and worry
about my liver." --by Jack Handy

Feel sorry for people who don't drink.  When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

A woman drove me to drink, and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.--Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence? --Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk.  When we get drunk, we fall asleep.  When we fall
asleep, we commit no sin.  When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.  Sooooo,
let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- Brian O'Rourke

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin
            - o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o -

                And now for a couple from Maria Harding:

                          Golfing trauma

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.  As soon as he could manage, he
took himself to the doctor.  He said "How bad is it doc?  I'm going on my
honeymoon next week and my fiance' is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal
and keep it straight.  It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage,
and wired it all together, an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set
of breasts.  This was the first time he saw them.  She said, "You're the first.
No-one has ever touched these breasts."

He drops his pants and replies, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
            - o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o -

                            AVIATION HUMOUR

  For all you aviation fans ... Who says pilots and controllers have no sense
  of humour?  Following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline and
  control towers from around the world.

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale, made a
wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.  The irate ground controller
(a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are
you going?  I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxi way; you turned right
on "Delta".  Stop right there.  I know it's difficult to tell the difference
between C's and D's but get it right."

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort
this out.  You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to.  You can
expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you.  You got that,
US Air 2771??"

The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".

Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771.  No one wanted to engage the irate ground
controller in her current state.  Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running
high.  Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air
crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married
to you once?"

The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a
three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars
to make a three-sixty in this aircraft?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand
dollars worth!"

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed
just a little too high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not
able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the
light to return to the airport.

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and
three miles."

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and
three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well... I've got
something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."

Unknown Aircraft: "I'm bored!".

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after
we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7;
did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, We
copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
            - o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o -

    Now some visuals sent in by Ben, Qcat, Beryl, Trina, and maybe Deanna ...

Bad hair day Click here

Watching the footy Click here

Flying high Click here

Follow the instructions Click here

The great escape Click here

Cleaning the Gallery Click here

Partydick #1 Click here

Partydick #2 Click here

Partydick #3 Click here

Partydick #3 Click here

Party Mouse Click here

More whitewater Click here

Female bumper stickers Click here

Rugby Kiwi style Click here

Hot nuts Click here
            - o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o -

                And now for something from Brian McNicol:

 What's the best form of birth control after 50?

 What do attorneys use for birth control?
 Their personalities.

 What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
 45 lbs.

 What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
 45 minutes.

 How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
 None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

 What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
 Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 Why do men want to marry virgins?
 They can't stand criticism.

 What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
 After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

 What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
 The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 What do you call a smart blonde?
 A golden retriever.

 Why does the bride always wear white?
 Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

 A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest
 The blonde, because she's 18.

 What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
 Say, "Nice Dick."

 What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
 "Are you sure it's mine?"

 What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
 Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

 Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
 Mace will do that to you.

 Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
 Everyone has the same DNA.

 What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
 A speech impediment.

 Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
 Because they're not going to work in the future either.

 What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
 A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage,
 along with a recipe.

 What's the Cuban National Anthem?
 Row row row your boat.
            - o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o -

                          Quick on the uptake

                         Your ticket, please ...

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your
         - o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o -

                              From Trina ...

                              THE RULES

1.  The Female always makes THE RULES.

2.  THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3.  No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4.  If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately
    change some of THE RULES.

5.  The Female is never wrong.

6.  If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
    misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7.  If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologise immediately for causing the

8.  The Female can change her mind at any time.

9.  The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent
    of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be
    angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she
    wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the
    heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must
    cater to her every whim.

17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
            - o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o -

               From the Mineralite of the Month - Sarah ...

                              CAR TROUBLE

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a
chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car
breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized.  We'll have to strip down the
engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might
be contaminated.  I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer,
"or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well,
what do you think?"

"Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
            - o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o -

        From Ben on the choppy shores of windy Wellington Harbour ...

                             Wrestling tip

An Olympic wrestler from the United States is about to face the international
champion, a huge Russian, in his weight class.  As the match is about to begin,
his coach warns him, "Don't let him get you into the Double Pretzel Bend -
no one can get out of that hold once it's applied!"

The wrestler agrees to do his best and runs to the center of the mat to meet
his opponent.

Well, the match starts and as things would go, the American wrestler finds
himself caught in the Russian's double pretzel bend.  His shoulder blades are
getting pushed closer and closer to the mat - it's almost over.  He looks up
towards the ceiling and sees this guy's testicles hanging inches from his
face.  So he thinks, what the hell, I'm about to lose the match - so he chomps
down ... HARD!

The next thing you know, there's an unnerving scream of pain, the American
and Russian wrestlers seem to explode off the mat, and when the all is said
and done, the American ends up on top of the Russian and pins him.

As he walks off the mat, his coach greets him and says, "That was incredible,
I've never seen anyone escape the Double Pretzel Bend.  How in the world did
you do it?"  The American wrestler replies, "Anything is possible after you
bite your own nuts!!!"
            - o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o -

                  And from QCAT, not far from Moreton Bay:

                               Elk Hunting:

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting.  They
were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks.  The pilot
came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk.
But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk;
you will have to leave two behind."

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had
allowed them to put all aboard.  The plane was the same model and capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard.  But when
he attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not
make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know
where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter.  "I think this is about the same
place where we crashed last year."
            - o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o o - - o -

                    Finally, Ben's Quote of the Week:

"The leading car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is
                                   - UK Motor-racing's Murray Walker.
[ End Fri humour ]

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