Friday humour - July 13, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

Greetings - assorted plebs and general hangeronerers.

Now that most of you will have submitted your tax returns and are
expecting a huge refund it's time for a chuckle (or perhaps a chuck).  For
those at Clay-town who haven't collected your group certificate yet please
do so at your earliest convenience - but if my office is closer collect it
from me.  I'm not able to have them given out at reception as apparently
some visitors might see them.  Now what the visitors get up to with Di and
Maria is anyones guess.

                     [ e d i t o r i a l ]

For those interested in the further beautification of downtown Melbourne
please go to Click here and click on Online

survey.  Have your say in what should be done with the disused Sandridge
railbridge.  Many of you oldtimers would have happy memories crossing this
old icon in a red rattler on its way to the good old Port Melbourne site
(affectionately known as the Asylum by the Sea).  " Memories ... Memories
..."
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First this week a couple from Cllr. Mad Mick from Markwick

"From the Motherfu ooops land" - now Mick! - soap and water ...


                                GENIES

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried
in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the genies disappear. The next thing the
guy knows, he's in a bedroom in a mansion surrounded by fifty beautiful
women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the whole
floor is covered in $100 bills. Next thing there is a knock at the door.

He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux
Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a
limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.

The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away they remove their hoods.
It's the two Genies.

One genie says to the other one, "Hey, I can understand the first wish
having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to, I can
also understand wanting to be a millionaire. But to be hung like a black man
is beyond me!"
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Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

They say when you get old you have to stay in shape.  My grandmother started
walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know
where she is.

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
dead in otherwise.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three.

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language
that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think
there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of
vacuum cleaners.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering
from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they
are okay, then it's you.

TV ads show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a
bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say "because
it's such a beautiful animal." There you go. I think my mother is attractive,
but I only have photographs of her.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a
cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone,
"I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish-burger
and I realise, "Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
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        From those up North who think we're all Mexicans


              From the Australian Bureau of Statistics.

In case you wondered why Australians have a reputation as they do,
read on:

3 people die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.

142 people were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.

58 people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights were plugged in.

19 people have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they
believed were chocolate.

Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents.

101 people since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled
out of the soles of their feet.

18 people had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette
in their mouth.

A massive 543 people were admitted to casualty in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.

5 people were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric
cars.

AND FINALLY, SURPRISE, SURPRISE

8 people cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing out) while
throwing up into the toilet.
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       From Brian McNicol:


                            The Magic Frog

A man with a 25" long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having
a problem with his cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint
from his female partners.

"Doctor," he asks, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for
me?"

The doctor replied, "Medically, son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do
know this sorcerer who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him
directions to the sorcerer.

The man calls upon the sorcerer and relays his story.  "Sorcerer, my penis
is 25" long and I just can't stand it. Can you help me? Please, you are my
last hope!"

The sorcerer stares in amazement, scratches his head, and then replies, "I
think maybe I know a way to help you. Do this. Go deep into the forest where
you will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log.
This frog has magic. You ask the frog, "Will you marry me?" When the frog
says "no" you will find 5" less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. Just as the sorcerer
said, he found a pond and there was the frog. He called out to the frog, "Will
you marry me? "The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "No."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5" shorter. "WOW," he screamed
out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at 20" so I'll ask the
frog to marry me again." "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and croaked back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5"
shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis
again, still 15" long, and reflected for a moment. "Even at this length,
it's still a monster. Just 5 more inches off would be ideal ?  All women
would take 10 inches and love it!," he thought.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out once more, "Frog will you
marry me?"

The frog looked back across pond, angrily shaking its head, "How many times
do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!"
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       From Highett Dave:

                         The Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Manager asked a
young Engineer fresh out of RMIT, "And what starting salary were you looking
for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the
benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -
say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah ... but you started it."
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The Chili

A man enters a cafe and sits down. He notices that the special of the day is
cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take
the cold chili."

"I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress.

"Oh, I'll just have coffee, then."

After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl
of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full.

He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other man replies, "No."

"Would you sell it to me?"

"You can have it for free if you want it."

So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about
half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the
chili back into the bowl. [ed: And your time is up and I can't complete that
question ... er joke - I am the weakest link - Goodbye - well it wasn't much
of a joke anyway - I'm certainly not going to try and find it now.]
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                             The Blonde Pilot

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that
day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct
her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent
her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.  "I'm doing great! I love it!
The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry
that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she
crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know!  Everything was going
fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything
after I turned off the big fan."

[ed: I see - here it is - the above joke tag (and I thought it had been "tukued"
forever) - Dave - we love your contributions but would like a bit more quality
in lieu of quantity.]

The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too."
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                       Being a bloke!

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white t-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one is just "too
icky".

Same work.....more pay.

Its good being a man!

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress, $5,000.00; Tux rental, $125.00

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything
different?"

A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of THOUGHTFULNESS.

Your underwear is $12.95 for a six-pack.

If you are 34 and still single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. (Amen!)

You don't have to clean your house if the maid is coming.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You almost never have a strap problem in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

You can "do" your finger nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

"Damn, it's good to be a bloke!"
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      From Russell at Bushells' Tea House (our SNAG) ...


                            Blonde Jokes


A blonde and her boyfriend were walking along a path in the park when the
boyfriend said "Hey look, a dead bird!!" The blonde looked up in the air and
said "Where, where?"


Why did the blonde climb the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.


A blonde walked into a hairdressing salon to have her hair cut. She was wearing
a walkman, and when the hairdresser asked her to remove it so that he could
cut it, she refused. Over the months this continued to happen, until one day
the batteries ran out in the walkman and the blonde slid out of the chair,
dead. After the police came and took away the body the barber picked up the
walkman, inserted new batteries and listen to the tape. It played over and
over again "Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale ..."


A blonde was driving down the road when at an intersection a man held a
gun to her face and said "This is a carjack," to which the blonde replied
"I know this is a car, but my name IS NOT Jack."


Why do you always see blondes working at supermarkets?
Because the breadshops think they're too dumb.


A blonde was sitting in the first class section of a plane going from
Melbourne to New York, but her ticket was for economy class.

"Excuse me" said the first class hostess, "but you're supposed to be in
economy class."

"No, I'm not" replied the blonde. The first class flight attendend went and got
the head first class flight attendent. "I'm sorry, but you are going to have to
move."

"No" said the blonde.

The head first class flight attendent went and got the head flight attendent.
"Listen madam, you have to go sit in economy class. Now."

"No, no, no."  Said the blonde. Finally they went and got the captain. "I
know how to handle blondes" he said, so he went to speak to her. He whispered
something to her and she quickly got up and left.

"What did you say?" asked the flight attendents. "I just told them that first
class wasn't going to New York."


The blonde was driving to the airport when she saw a sign that said "Airport
Left." So she turned around and went home.


Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!


Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.


Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.


Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She'd just blow
dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.


Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.


Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.


Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.


Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.


Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"


Q: What's a blonde's favourite w(h)ine?
A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"


Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A w(h)ine cellar.


Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes..


Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.


Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.


Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.


Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.


Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.


A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that
said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh
well !" and turned around and drove home.


On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN
RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove the eight miles, she had cleaned
43 restrooms.


Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde
in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to
her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad
name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim
I'd go out there and drown her."


Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."


Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.


Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.


Q: How can you tell when a fax has been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.


Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.


Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.


Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: 'Divorcee'
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     And a couple of quickies from our snowgirl - Marysville Beryl:


This bloke is sitting reading his Age newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind
him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he says.

"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name
Mary-Ellen written on it," she replies.

"Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races,
Mary-Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

She seems satisified at this and apologises, and goes off to do work around
the house.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him
with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around, he says, what the hell was that for?"

"Your horse phoned."
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                                FIRST TIME

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with
her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after
dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip
to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for
about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection
and doing it.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy;
a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come
on in. The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and
the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still
no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were
so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father
was a pharmacist."


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    For those who enjoy pointing and clicking ... and waiting ...

A selection from Di Elders, Ben, Trina, Davida (Highett) - lift your game
son, Deanna, and Horny Mike.

Mona on tour: Click here

The life of Michael Click here

Tired mouse Click here

The Supreme Court's choice Click here

Mondayitis Click here

Keyboard strain Click here

Asleep on the job Click here

Windoze Click here

Florida Granny Click here

Meet the press Click here

Foot and mouth Click here

Up up and away Click here

Watch the waterfall Click here

White water Click here

Cop that Click here
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    And from Trina:


                             Tickle Me

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager
explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door.
The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says "She's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up". The foreman
takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line
is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a
big bag of marbles.

They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two
marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.

After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman,
and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to
give Elmo two test tickles."
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    And a crude selection from Wellington Ben:

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon
a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my
friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll
see, you'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running
with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the
rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your
health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll
feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses
them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then
come across a lion about to shoot up heroin ... "Lion my friend, why do you do
this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest,
you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out
of the little rabbit.  As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look
at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us
all!"

The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an
idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
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            The Glow Worm Poem

        I wish I were a Glow Worm,
        A Glow Worm's never glum.
        How can you be unhappy when
        The sun shines out yer bum?
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       And some chonky thoughts from Guru Russell (old but good) ...


                      A Few Random Thoughts

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called
"Holes?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives
a race car not called a racist?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing
night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two
cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a
Philips Screwdriver?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.  Could it
be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the
universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet
paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few
weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge
of the pool and throw them fish?
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     And finally Ben's thought for the week ...


                "What is a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?

                                  Humpme Dumpme."
    =   =   =   =   =   =   =  end  FH  =   =   =   =   =   =   =   =   =

                           [Praise the Lord]


[ End Fri humour ]


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