Friday humour - July 06, 2001

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    This week's load of nonsense again draws heavily on material that was
    forwarded on late in the last century.  (Well ... 1999, to be exact.)

    And a few of the obligatory pics further down ... hey, come back here -
    I haven't finished yet.  You have to at least read the *first* one.

    So let us begin our legendary trip into the world of ASCII humour for
    this week with a delightful little tale of embarrassment from Spain ...
    shades of "Big Brother".  From our ever-unpredictable Westerly list:

           LIVING LA VIDA LOCA - and the joys of live television

The following is a short and rather amusing true story, as seen recently by
millions of viewers on a Spanish TV channel.

The parents of a teenage girl decided to put their daughter's name forward for
a popular Surprise Game Show.  She idolised teeny-bopper PopStar "Ricky Martin",
and it was arranged for TV cameras to be discreetly placed throughout the house.

The house was then left empty, with Ricky Martin hidden in the wardrobe in the
girls bedroom - all set to give the daughter a *wonderful* surprise when she
returned home from school.  Meanwhile, the parents were in the show's studio,
in front of a live studio audience.

Upon returning home from school, the daughter didn't go straight to her room
and open the wardrobe as expected.  Instead she began to investigate the house,
calling out the names of her family to establish who was at home.  Then, having
established that she was on her own, she made her way down to the kitchen
where she opened the fridge and removed a large tin of pate'.

At this stage, the live TV audience is wondering what the hell is going on.

She then went back up to her bedroom where she quickly removed all her clothes
and spread the pate all over her naughty bits.

At this stage, Ricky Martin is still waiting - hidden inside the wardrobe,
and half of Spain is seeing a nubile young girl, stark naked on the bed,
rubbing pate all over and into her crotch.

As if the parents were not shocked enough by this, the daughter then calls the
family dog, who obediently trots up the stairs to settle down to his favourite
meal of "pate on a bed of seaweed".

Only then was the broadcast finally (and abruptly) cut.

A set of somewhat embarrassed parents are left in front of a deadly quiet
studio audience, while a few million Spaniards sit in front of their TVs and
piss themselves with laughter.

Postscript:  Sales of tinned pate in Spain have since rocketed.

      Next, this contribution for your cross-eyed pleasure from Fifi:


1.  I wish he'd stop wasting his money on flowers and chocolate and just buy me
    something practical like an iron.

2.  I can't wait for the finals.

3.  He talks our relationship to death.  It's driving me crazy!

4.  We're redecorating the bedroom and he keeps bugging me to help him with
    colour choices.

5.  I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers.  Give me a good old-fashioned waiter
    with a heart of gold any day.

6.  He earned more than I do so I broke it off.

7.  If he doesn't let me hold the remote I get all moody.

8.  His new girlfriend is thinner and better looking than I am, and I'm so
    happy for them both.

9.  Oh look, that woman and I are wearing the same dress.  I think I'll go and
    introduce myself.

10. That swimsuit really flatters your figure!  Would you mind keeping my
    husband company while I go for a swim?

     Next - a couple more from the ol' westerly list (which was *far* more
     active back in 1999).  First one's ultra short:

A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, "Can I have a gin and ...    - - -
  ...    ---     ...       ---       ...      - - -       ...     - - -
     ...  tonic, please?"

The barman serves him and says, "Why the large pause?"

Polar Bear says, "Dunno ... always had them"

    ... AND ...


ARIES (March 21 - April 19)  Star Wars Character : The Emperor
The Emperor has demonstrated his liking to inflict pain on people just as
people born under the sign Aries often do.  He feels he is at the centre of
the universe and he must be in control.  He enjoys being a leader and his
aggression and quick-tempered attitude also helps him with this.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) Star Wars Character : Chewbacca
Chewbacca is a dependable creature but he can tend to be stubborn.  He likes
material possessions and loves to win at games.  He tends to hates being bossed
around or losing and he may succumb to his physical strength when upset.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)  Star Wars Character :  Ewok
Ewoks are playful little creatures as are Gemini's.  They tend to be extremely
curious, craving knowledge but sometimes having short attention spans.  For the
most part they are charming and lovable beings but they can seem scattered
and high-strung at times.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)  Star Wars Character : Luke Skywalker
Luke seemed to be somewhat whinny sometimes but he eventually developed the
thick hard shell of a cancer.  He is strong willed and persistent to get what
he wants.  He never shys away from a fight at the first sign of danger.  Not
to mention he began to master the element of mind manipulation.

LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22)  Star Wars Character : Princess Leia
Leia adds a whole new meaning to high self-assurance which is evident in Leos.
She is a nurturing person with great physical strength.  Like many Leos, she
will see that her mission for good is completed and she is very optimistic
about the outcome.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)  Star Wars Character : C3P0
C3P0 shows his efficiency when working for a good caused but he tends to be
a little bit fussy when it comes to doing something out of the ordinary.  Like
many Virgos he wants to stay out of the spotlight and he does well at picking
up minute details.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)  Star Wars Character : "Obi Wan" Kenobie
As always Obi Wan continues forward in his pursuit of justice and he is
determined to succeed.  He conveys his art of persuasion through the force.  He
displays his supreme intelligence and is very talented in obtaining balance
between himself and his surroundings.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)  Star Wars Character : Han Solo
Han is a powerful character.  He also tends to be possessive and lusty which
would explain Han's greedy nature.  He feels threatened by Leia's attempt to
order him around which displays the disliking scorpios have for people who try
to control them.  He is often prone to suspicion and jealousy as seen in the
empire strikes back.  However, his resilience and passion lead him to get what
he wants.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)  Star Wars Character : Yoda
Yoda is superbly wise and he has been known to spread this wisdom widely.  He
seems to be impatient and pushy when people take his teachings too lightly.
As always his philosophical side always peeks through.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)  Star Wars Character : R2D2
R2's ambition and inexhaustible desire to reach their goals/destination.  He is
very loyal, sometimes going to great lengths to help someone out.  He is a very
social unit winning the hearts of many with his cute personality.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)  Star Wars Character : Darth Vader
Vader can be cruel and torment people who disagree with him but deep down there
is a peace loving, friendly side to him.  He has a knack for inflicting pain
on people and he uses his intellect during battle.

PISCES(Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)  Star Wars Character : Lando
Lando is the typical character with his head in the clouds.  He is
self-sacrificing but may be too passive to stand up to Vader.  He became fairly
pessimistic when put under pressure.  He also poses as a chameleon wanting to
change his scenery on occasion.

            And now it's over to Nestor in lovely warm Illinois:

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one
says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as
well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and
they both walk toward the cart.  "Two dogs, please," she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands
them over the counter.  Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to
unwrap their "dogs."

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.  Staring at it for a moment,
she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

     Around the time of this weeks contributions (late 1999), someone posted
     a list of humorous place names onto our Westerly humour list.  These
     turned up shortly afterward in Friday humour Click here
     This prompted John McKillop to forward a couple more ...

In North Yorkshire the village of Crackpot

In Graubunden (SE Switzerland) the village of Cunter

In Berne the district of Wankdorf - this is where the main football
ground is situated....and the name of the football club??

     Young Boys

There's also a town in Austria called Wank

    Okay - time for a few pics.  First one's from Aaron Torpy (our
    occasional programmer from Monash) who works over in microscopy:

  After the Spanish TV show: Click here

    And another nice little collection from that excellent research spot up
    in the Qld sun, QCAT:

  A Quiet Surf: Click here
  Help Desk #1: Click here
  Help Desk #2: Click here
  Help Desk #3: Click here

     Forget who forwarded this one on - cute:

  Kids: Click here

    Couple from Maria the Harding (beloved other half of Steve the Softing):

  Email: Click here
  Tyre: Click here

     This one forwarded on by both David (Telstra) and QCAT:

  Proof that girls are evil: Click here

     Few more good ones from Steve Kerrasitis (SOTK):

  Sorry-flowers: Click here
  Barrel of fun: Click here

     One from our beloved Evie the Popas:

  Web programmer: Click here

     This one (from Steve Harding) may take about 60 seconds to load (yep -
     bluehaze is still slo-o-o-ow), but for any with school-age kids at home
     for the holidays, it'll be worthwhile inspiration for those dull hours:

  Build a plane: Click here

       Okay, enough imagery.  Time to use that imagination again, with
       another Dave (Fifi) McCallum contribution:

   In today's crime-ridden world, personal safety is more important than ever.
   Here are some tips to help you protect yourself:

- Pickpockets thrive in large, crowded areas where they can blend in and strike
unnoticed.  Stick to dark, isolated alleyways.

- Remember: you can't get attacked by anyone if you pre-emptively attack
everyone you encounter first.

- Always check the back seat before getting in your car.  If a menacing-looking
man is hiding there, get a friend or co-worker to accompany you.

- When venturing out in public, cover your genitals with both hands while
scurrying furtively from place to place.

- Carry mace with you at all times.  This medieval spiked ball is ideal for
fending off would-be attackers.

- If forced to fight, use Tai Chi to slowly defeat your enemy.

- Going everywhere in an oversized hamster ball is a good way to ensure your
safety.  Be sure to avoid geysers, tho.

- Try to live in close proximity to the Batman.

- If mugged, take the opportunity to do a little comedic "mugging" of your
own.  Gesticulate wildly and say "Oh, no!"

- Take a women's self-defence class.  It won't protect you from an armed
attacker, but you'll get a chance to bond with your "sisters."

- Instead of a real wallet, carry a gag one that shoots ink or confetti when you
open it.  That'll show Mr. Mugger!

- If you go jogging, wear sweatpants that say "Do Not Rape" on the arse and

- When threatened by carnivorous space aliens, stand next to the guy featured
most prominently on the movie poster.

- Keep in mind that it's hard to rob someone who has taken the precautionary
measure of setting him or herself ablaze.

- If you must walk alone at night, appear as "street-wise" as possible by
dressing as a prostitute.

- According to the NRA, the best form of personal protection is to be in
possession of a loaded firearm at all times.  To ensure your personal safety,
stay the hell away from NRA members.

    Here's another one from our Illinois correspondent, Nestor "no like
    FM when not on net" Zaluzec.  (BTW - for those outside Melbourne who
    wanna hear more of Dave Rand's Laugh Radio shows, I've put a few more
    up now - Click here for the list):


                      Stuff You Really Needed to Know!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough
sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.  (Hardly seems worth it!)

If you produce flatulence consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt
blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.  (In my next life, I want to be a pig!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.  (Still not over
that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Don't forget the pig!)

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.  (Hmmmmm.....)

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their
eyebrows and eyelashes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and
always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.  (Having fun with the ants

Polar bears are left handed.  (Left- pawed?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for
animal having the most taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length; It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body.  The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.  (Honey, I'm
home ... WHAT TH' ...)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.  (In my next life, I still want to be a
pig ... quality over quantity, anytime)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (No cat of mine!)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfishes haven't got brains.

After reading all these, all I can say is, "Damn Pigs!"

      And finally for the week, one more quickie from our Westerly list:

                          PUZZLED KINDER TEACHER

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called
upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a
small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was
missing one, daddy had a heart attack, mummy fainted, and the guy next door
shot himself."
[ End Friday humour ]

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