Friday humour - June 29, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

  Yo - still chilly here but at least we've passed the shortest day.  A mixed
  bag this week - some old - some new - some clean - some blue.
                            ------------------------


         First a few from Biggus ...


      Why Australia will win the tri nations rugby ... Again

The scene is set, night, cold, campfire, stars twinkle in the night sky ....
three hang-glider pilots one from Australia, one from south Africa and the other
from New Zealand, are sitting round the campfire near Ayers rock, each embroiled
with the bravado for which they are famous.

A night of tall tales begins.

Kiven, the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest toughest heng glider dude there
es. Why just the other day, I linded in a field, scared a crocodile who got loose
from the swamp which ate sux men before I wrestled et to the ground .... weth
me bare hands, a!"

Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered.  " Well you guys,I
lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny trail ind a fifteen foot Namibian
desert snake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet
borsted with my bare hinds and beet its head orf ind sucked the poison down in
one gulp. Ind I'm still here todaiy."

Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
   ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~


A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who
enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're
so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your
ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out,
which feels better, your ear or your finger?"
   ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~


A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up
to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

This is not a phrase we men normally use so he went on his way looking a bit
puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly
is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line
to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door". He was
planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said,
"When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there
at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No. no. I didn't. All I saw was a
disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!"
   ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~


And from the wild west


Two guys from Fremantle died and woke up in hell.

The next day the devil dropped in to check on them and saw them sunbaking by the
fire. The devil asked, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys replied, "Well, you know, we're from Western Australia, the Golden
State, the land of sunshine. We love the heat."

The devil decided that they weren't miserable enough and turned up the heat.

The next morning he popped in again and there they were, still lazily kicking
back, sucking away on a couple of stubbies of Swan.

He asked again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"

Again the two guys replied, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from WA,
the Golden State, the land of sunshine. We love the heat."

That got the devil a little steamed up and he decided to fix the two guys.
He cranked the heat up as high as it would go. People were wailing and screaming
everywhere. But when he stopped at the room with the two guys from Fremantle he
found them kicking back in board shorts and thongs, drinking Swan and cooking a
'barbie'.

The devil was astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two
seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Freo lads replied, "Well, ya know, it kind of reminds us of home when
the weather's THIS nice."

The devil was absolutely furious and could hardly see straight.

Finally he came up with the answer. Since the two guys loved the heat, he decided
to turn off all the heat in hell.

The next morning, the temperature was below zero. Icicles were hanging everywhere;
people were shivering so badly that they were unable to do anything but wail,
moan and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiled and headed for the room with the two Freo boys. Whe he got there
he found them rugged up in their swannies, mittens and beanies. What's more,
NOW they were stamping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!

The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're
happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What's wrong with you two???"

The Freo lads looked at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If hell
freezes over, it must mean that the Dockers have won the AFL premiership."
   ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~


A selection from Highett Dave


A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file
her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is
your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much
too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore
or a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
   ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~


                            The Chicken Coup

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time
for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old
hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the
farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just
to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and
the young rooster has closed the gap.  He is already about 5 inches behind the
old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot of the front porch when
he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows
the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn
it...third gay rooster I bought this month. "
   ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~


 Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree went off for the weekend.

 It was After Eight.

 She was from Quality Street

 He was a Fishermans Friend

 On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar.

 He had a Rum and Butter.

 She had a Wine Gum.

 He asked her name. She said Polo, I'm the one with the hole.

 (But I'm the one with the Nuts he thought)

 Then he touched her Milky Way.

 They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the
 light for a bit of Black Magic.

 It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast
 of her Double Decker.

 Then he showed her his Curly Wurly.

 But Ms Rowntree wasn't keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies, So she let
 him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard.

 He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge nudging.

 It was a Magic Moment as she let out of scream of Turkish Delight.

 When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.

 She wanted more but he decided to take a Time Out.

 However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising.

 So he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbert.

 At the same time he gave her a Gob Stopper!

 Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife Caramel.

 Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D.

 It turns out Ms Rowntree had a Box of Assorted Creams.

 She really had been with All Sorts.
   ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~


A couple from Ben in wet and windy Wellington

(As a matter of fact Ben is running the first AM stereo station in Kiwiland - and
 the local farmers are saying that the sheep are now producing twice as much wool.)



              POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart

2. Form a loose grip

3. Keep your head down

4. Avoid a back swing

5. Stay out of the water

6. Try not to hit anyone

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you

8. Don't stand directly in front of others

9. Quiet please...while others are preparing to go

10. Don't take extra strokes. Very good.

Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
   ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~


1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Memorial Church in Racine.  Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way
from Africa.

2. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference:
"The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference Includes meals."

3. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation
hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

4. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.

5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to let rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

6. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your
own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

7. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

8. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus"

9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.

10. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor
Jack's sermons.

11. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing
a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing
"Break Forth into Joy."

13. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

14. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.

15. Don't let worry kill you off--let the Church help.

16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.

17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.

18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

19. Eight new choir robes are needed due to the addition of several new members
and to the deterioration of some older ones.

20. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning
to join the choir.

21. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

22. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green
beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

23. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

24. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s)
you want remembered.

25. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

26. The church will host an evening of fine dining superb entertainment and
gracious hostility.

27. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM.--prayer and medication to follow.

28. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

29. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

30. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

31. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.

32. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.. Please use the
back door.

33. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

34. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

35. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

36. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

37. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
   ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~


An oldie from Mad Mick of Marwick


When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.

"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice.  "There will be NO sex on this
trip. Not even the wetting of the tip of your penis.

All of you males, take off your dicks and hand it in with my sons. I will be
sitting over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your
dicks back.

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very
excited. "Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see
if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet."

"Shit!" and out went Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got
fed up with him.

"What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only
after the water had drained will we be able to see land.  But why are you acting
so excited every day?"

"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece
of paper.  "I got the donkey's receipt !!!"
   ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~


The graphics this week have bounced in from Electronics Peter, Highett's
Dave, Stevo, Ben, and Beryl amongst others:

Nooks and crannies Click here

Advice from Noland Road Click here

True friends Click here

You can't be too careful Click here

What to do? Click here

Dirty copies Click here

Branded Click here

A nice old family advertisement Click here
   ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~


         From Donn with two Ns from sunny Florida ...


A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel
outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of
my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
   ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~


      From our Puchasing Manager Extraordinaire - Stevo:


                       Quote of the day.

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...it seemed that all of the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
   ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~


    Finally two oldies from SOT! - Steve [redacted] (Son of Tony)


                         Go ask you Mother

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between
potentially and realistically?"

The father answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford
for a million dollars. Also ,ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you have learned?".

So the boy went to his mother and said, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford
for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would!! I wouldn't pass up a opportunity
like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said," Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for
a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my Goodness! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts
to pass up that opportunity!!"

The boy pondered this for a bit and went back to his dad. His father asked him,
"Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but
realistically we're living with a couple of sluts."
   ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~


Three boxing fans Scottish, English and Irish are in Las Vegas to see Bruno
vs Tyson. They've had a couple of brews and decide to head into the Red Light
District.

At the first brothel they come to they see a sign outside that says, if you can
guess who the madam's tattoos are of then you get a shag on the house.

They agree that this sounds like a good plan so they enter.

Behind the counter is an old, black lady who introduces herself as the madam.

'We would like to have a go at guessing your tattoos.', says the Scotsman.

'Sure thing, honey. I'll go and wait in the next room and you come in individually
and have a guess.'

The Scotsman is first to go in. The madam hitches up her skirt, pulls down her
panties, and spreads her legs. On the inside of each thigh she has a tattoo of
a man's head. The Scotsman instantly recognises them. 'The one on the left is
Evander Holyfield and the one on the right is Roberto Duran.'

'That's right, honey. Pick yourself one of my girls and have a shag on the house.'

The Englishman is next to go in. He also recognises them straight away. 'The
one on the right is Roberto Duran and the one on the left is Evander Holyfield.'

' That's right, honey. Pick yourself one of my girls and have a shag on the house.'

Then it's the Irishman's turn. He comes in takes a look. 'Well, the guy on left
is Evander Holyfield, I don't know who the guy on the right is but the one in
the middle is definately Don King.'
   ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~


        And Ben's thought for the week???


 "If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times, does he become
  dis-Oriented?"
   ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ fin ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~


   [addendum]

   This one just arrived late from Beryl - the talk of the town in Marysville -
   just under the snowfields.  They are kicking ass up there with their
   toboggan hire service (and if you can't afford one take a plastic bag)
                        -------------------------

A woman walks into a shop that sells VERY EXPENSIVE PERSIAN RUGS.  She looks
around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.  Very embarrassed
she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and
hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortable she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit yourself
when you hear what the price is."
    ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ [the absolute fin] ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~


[ End Fri humour ]


 Previous (June 22, 2001)  Index Next (July 06, 2001)