Friday humour - June 22, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

   Yo - and seeing the weather in Melbourne is (as Aussie Rules footy caller
   Rex Hunt would say) "as black as a dogs guts" here is the chirpy weather
   report from the Motherland:

   "Weather brilliant here. Very hot and humid.  Shall I get Mother to knit
    some willy-warmers for you all?   She won't need much wool, after all ..."
            - Cllr. Mad Mick
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   And the first joke this week from the Madman from Marwick himself:

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing
and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is
such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she
lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be
late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was
more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured
that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three
large orders baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably
sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling,
I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.

She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his
wife, the telephone rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.

He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was outof the room she
seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.

Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her
of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like
this for another ten minutes.

When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air
a few more times with her napkin placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon
it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for
taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had
not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised! There were
twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
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       And from Bob Flann:

                         Engineer Profile

 Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
 A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't
    understand.

 Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
 A: When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

 Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
 A: Their personalities.

 Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
 A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

 Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
 A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

 Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
 A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong
    way.

         You might be an engineer if ...

 1) choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a
    moral dilemma.

 2) you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

 3) in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

 4) the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your
    questions.

 5) at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

 6) you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.

 7) you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

 8) you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.

 9) you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

 10) you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special
     effects.

 11) you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

 12) you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

 13) you know what "<a href=http://>" actually stands for.

 14) you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.

 15) you see a good design and still have to change it.

 16) you spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.

 17) you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.

 18) you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.

 19) you window shop at Radio Shack

 20) your laptop computer costs more than your car

 21) your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

 22) you've already calculated how much you make per second.

 23) you've tried to repair a $5 radio.
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          And a couple from Biggus McCallum ...


A blonde enters a library and walks directly to the counter. She says to the
librarian "I want two cheeseburgers, a coke, and a small fry". The librarian
rolls her eyes and says "This is a library".
The blonde begins to blush, and lowering her voice to a whisper she says "I
am so sorry!  I would like two cheeseburgers, a coke, and a small fry."
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       Sex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight!

Look how many calories you can burn:

TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement...12 cal
Without her agreement...187 cal

TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands...8 cal
With one hand...12 cal
With the mouth...85 cal

PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection...6 cal
Without erection...315 cal

FOREPLAY
Trying to find the clitoris...8 cal
Trying to find G spot...92 cal
Without caring at all...0 cal

WHEN "DOING IT"
Holding her up...12 cal
Just on the floor...8 cal

POSITIONS
Daddy-Mommy...2 cal
69 laying...8 cal
69 standing up...112 cal
Trolley...216 cal
Italian chandelier...912 cal

HAVING AN ORGASM
Real...112 cal
Fake...315 cal

POST ORGASM
Staying in bed...18 cal
Jumping off the bed...36 cal
Figuring out why she jumped off the bed...816 cal

GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age...12 cal
>From 20 to 29...36 cal
>From 30 to 39...108 cal
>From 40 to 49...324 cal
>From 50 to 59...972 cal
Over 60...2916 cal

PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly...32 cal
Being in a hurry...98 cal
With her husband opening the door...1218 cal
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            Now a cheeky one from Deanna:


We all know those cute little computer symbols called  "emoticons",
where:

    :)     means a smile and

    :(      is a frown.

 Sometimes these are represented by:


    :-)        and

    :-(       respectively.


Well, how about some "assigns"?

Here goes:

    (_!_)      a regular ass

  (__!__)      a fat ass

    (!)        a tight ass

    (_*_)      a sore ass

    {_!_}      a swishy ass

    (_o_)      an ass that's been around

     (_x_)     kiss my ass

   (_X_)       leave my ass alone

     (_zzz_)   a tired ass

    (_o^^o_)   a wise ass

    (_E=mc2_)  a smart ass

    (_$_)      Money coming out of his ass

    (_?_)      Dumb Ass

            .oo*"""**oo.oo*""*oo..
         oo*"            "*o.o*"      "*o.o
      o"                    "o'o                 o
     o                         o                    o
    o                          oo                    o
   o                            o                     o
   o                           \o/                     o
    o                          --0--                     o
   o                           /o\                      o
    o                            o                       o
    o                             o                      o
      o                           o                     oo
     oo                         o                    oo
     oo.                      oo                  oo
     ooo.                  oo.                ooo
     o ""oo,,        ,,oO-'Oo,       ,,,,,oo"o
     o.         """"""    oo       """""        o
     'o                     oo                     o
      o                     oo                    o
      'o                     o                    o*
       o                     o                   o
       o                     o                  o
        o                    o                 o
        o                    o                 o
        o                    o                 o
        o                    o                 o

You have just been e-mooned!
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           A suggestion from Colin Nexhip ...


                                Junk Mail

When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from
credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with
postage paid return envelopes, right?

Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these
cool little envelopes!

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Or a pizza
coupon to Citibank.  If you didn't get anything else that day, then just
send them their application back! Just make sure your  name isn't on
anything you send them.

Heck, you can send it back empty if you want to just to keep 'em guessing!

Let's turn this into a chain letter! Eventually, the banks and credit card
companies will begin getting all their crap back in the mail.

Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all...
THEY'RE paying for it! Twice! Let's help keep our postal service busy since
they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that's why they need to
increase postage again!

Send this to a friend or two or three...or fifty....
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    Now this one came from Biggus, Digitronics Steve, Nikki S, Bushells'
    Russell, and Highett's David ... amongst others.  The odd person may
    not have seen it yet:


                              True wisdom

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of
him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise
jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 50cm (2") in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into he
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open
areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course,
the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health,
your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they
remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things
that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything
else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no
room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend
all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for
the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are
critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get
medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time
to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then...

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor
agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the
beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is:- no matter how full your life is, there is always
room for BEER
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A quickie from Dave at Highett


The preacher rose with a red face.  "Someone in this congregation has
spread a rumour that I belong to the KKK.  This is a horrible lie and one
which a Christian community cannot tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do not
intend to accept this.

Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God
and this Christian family."  No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit
this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you
will feel glory.  Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blond with a body that would not stop rose
from the third pew.  Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding.  I never said you
were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.  I told a couple of friends you were a
wizard under the sheets"
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        And two from QCAT in the Brissie sun:


At the card shop a woman was spending a long time looking at the cards,
finally shaking her head, "No."

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your
dick' cards?"
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                            MEMORY TEST

   READ TEXT FIRST

  This is a simple psychoanalytic test to measure your memory. Open the first
  superman picture. Study it, memorize it and then open the second one.

  *Without re-opening the first* try to note each of the differences between
  the two pictures.  There are at least three. If you can find five or more,
  you are of above average intelligence:

Superman 1 Click here

Superman 2 Click here

  Now you're in pointy and clicky mode here's some pics/videos from Ben,
  Biggus, Christian, Deanna, and Stevo.

Brains Click here

Root beer Click here

Doctor's orders Click here

Birth control Click here

Mad cows disease Click here

Blind date Click here

Quality assurance Click here

Plastic is Fantastic! Click here
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        More from Dave over at Highett:

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
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        From the list in the wild west:


                    Quick Quiz

  1. How long did the Hundred Years war last?
  2. Which country makes Panama hats?
  3. From which animal do we get catgut?
  4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
  5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
  6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named for what animal or bird?
  7. What was King George VI's first name?
  8. What color is a Purple Finch?
  9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
 10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

         Answers are down at the end ...
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         And finally, a couple from Maria Harding ...

Little Tony wants a shotgun more than anything else for his birthday. His
father promises that if he scores straight A's in school, he'll buy him the
shotgun. So he works hard and studies every night.

At the end of the year, the report card comes in and Little Tony got straight
A's, so his father makes good on the promise and buys him the shotgun.

Thrilled with his new toy, Little Tony goes around town showing it off to
all his friends until he runs into Slippery Carlo.

"Hey Slippery Carlo!" says Tony, "Check out my new shotgun!"

"That's pretty nice," says Carlo. "But I got a new gold watch and it's worth a
lot more money than that shotgun. But you're my friend, so I tell you what. I
make you a trade ... my watch for your shotgun."

Little Tony thinks for a second and agrees to the trade. He takes his shiny
watch home and shows it to his father, who shakes his head and says: "Tony,
Tony, Tony. One day you're gonna be a man. And you're gonna come home early from
work. And you're gonna go upstairs. And you're bust into your bedroom and find
your wife in bed with another man. Waddaya gonna do? Say, 'Aye! Time's up!'?"
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The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same, sexy little negligee
she wore on their wedding night.

She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looks up at her and replies, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee
the night we were married."

"That's right." she replied. "And do you remember what you said to me that
night?"

He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?"

"Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I'm going to suck the life
out of those big tits and screw your brains out!"

She giggles, "Yes, that was it. That was exactly what you said.

Now it's 50 years later and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What
do you have to say tonight?"

He looks her up and down and says, "Mission accomplished."
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       ... and Big Ben's thought for the week:


"As a Black Box always seems to survive an air crash, why don't they make
 aircraft out of the same material they make the black box?"
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        And just before we really finish for this week - the answers ...

  1. How long did the Hundred Years war last?
     Ans: 116 years
  2. Which country makes Panama hats?
     Ans: Ecuador
  3. From which animal do we get catgut?
     Ans: sheep and horses
  4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
     Ans: November
  5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
     Ans: squirrel fur
  6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named for what animal or bird?
     Ans: dogs (Canares, from the Latin, meaning dogs)
  7. What was King George VI's first name?
     Ans: Albert
  8. What color is a Purple Finch?
     Ans: crimson
  9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
     Ans: New Zealand
 10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?
     Ans: 30 years
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[ End Fri humour ]



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