Friday humour - June 15, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

   Yo from bitterly cold Melbournetown.  June is busting out all over!

   Don't forget that the Good Dr Rand is starring on Laugh Radio 89.9 FM
   Monday to Friday live at noon and replayed at mid-night.

   And as Groucho Marx once said:

   "He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool
   you.  He really is an idiot."
                        -----------------------------

   [ BTW, from Illinois, we received this message:  "... Nestor not like when
     radio shows not on net ..."   Okay, if you do want to hear David's program
     of Friday June 15,2001, just Click here - Ed. ]

                        -----------------------------


         First couple this week from "Fifi" McCallum:

               The eternal differences outlined ...

                             WOMEN

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships,
they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.  They smile when
they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry.  They cry when they
are happy, and laugh when they are nervous.

Women wait by the phone for a 'safe at home call' from a friend, after a rainy
drive home.

They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker
babes, and your neighbours. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.

They fight for what they believe in. They stand up against injustice.  They
walk and talk the extra mile to get their kids into the right schools and to get
their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with a frightened
friend.

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart and they know that
knowledge is power.

Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a
family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colours and shapes. They live in houses,
apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how
much they care about you.

They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and
friends. And all they want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do
the same for people you come in contact with.

             MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy shit.
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                   What religion is your bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a department store and shyly said
to the woman at the counter, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the sales lady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape,
size, colour and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety,
there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The sales lady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the
Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now befuddled again, the man asked about the differences between them.

The sales lady responded, "It is really quite simple...

Catholic: Supports the masses.  Salvation Army: Lifts the fallen.  Presbyterian:
Keeps them staunch and upright, Baptist: Makes mountains out of molehills."
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    And a couple from Doug Knight:


         HER SIDE OF THE STORY

"He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub. I thought it might have
been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere
more intimate so we could talk more privately.

We went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to
cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else.

I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the
cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around
me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it
back or anything.

We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me!
So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.  Reluctantly,
I say I'm going to go to sleep.  Then after about 10 minutes, he joins me
and we have sex. But, he stil seemed really distracted. I wanted to leave
but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks
any more. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?"

         HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

Melbourne lost.

Knackered.

Got a shag though.
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A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't
know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take
the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!"

                                                    (think about it)
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         From Lachlan - over at the Lamont-Doherty Earth Observatory -
         Columbia University, Palisades, NY


SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY

SAN FRANCISCO - The UK Paper The Daily Telegraph spoke to Jay Fullmer, 38, who
became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony yesterday.

"It was weird," Fullmer said, "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy
and it was raining and stuff and he said, like, great weather, or something
like that." Said Fullmer: "And I thought - wait a minute, it's like, no way
is it great weather." Fullmer soon realised that the other man's 'mistake'
was deliberate. "This guy was pretty cool about it," Fullmer said.

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3,
planned to use irony himself in future.

"I'm like saying it all the time." he said. "Last weekend I was like grilling
steaks and I like burned the crap out of them, and I said 'great weather'."
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         And something from David A at Highett:


A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung
around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough, all of them -
more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her,
let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of
the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate
words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such
a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a
house all week".

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week too"?

"I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the
fucking wood", replied the little girl.
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       And from up at QCAT in the Queensland sun ...


Following is a brief summary of why Queensland really is different ...

The Australian Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly
funded a project with the Australian auto maker Ford for the past five years,
whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in V8 vehicles in an
effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15
seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in almost all states the last words of drivers
in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Queensland was different, where 89.3 percent of the final
words were: "Here, hold me beer mate and watch this!"
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                       The Language of Females


   The Secrets of Women's Language ... Keywords and their meaning.

Fine:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right
about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This
will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football
game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an
even trade.

Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will
last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing"
and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will
get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that
moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is
to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh:
This word followed by any statement is trouble.  Example; "Oh, let me get that".
Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh"
before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you
that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do
not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.

"Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie.
Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows
"Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write
about them.

That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
retributions for what ever it is that you have done.

"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with
a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has
plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that
you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and
you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

Thanks A Lot:
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some
callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask
what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing"
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And some graphics courtesy of Ben, Beryl, David, and others

The blond brain Click here

The male brain Click here

The female brain Click here

More than he bargained for Click here

Teamwork Click here

Nice Tits! Click here

Hello boys! Click here

Surf's up Click here

Good sports Click here

Install a Rheem Click here
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    A true story and an "off" joke from Ben in Wet and Windy Wellington


                Dumb customer of the week

We get some real stupid customers here at Magnum Mac ...

Customer (on phone): I just came in and collected an iMac that was being
repaired but I think I've got the wrong one.

Tech: What makes you think you have collected the wrong machine?

Customer: My one had a screen. This one doesn't.

Tech: Oh. so you've picked up a Mini-tower?

Customer: No, I don't think so, it looks a bit like an iMac but has no screen.

Tech: So what colour is it?

Customer: It's Ruby.

Tech: So it must be an iMac. Does it have a carry handle?

Customer: Yes - at the back.

Tech. So what's written on the front where the screen should be? The front is
the white part.

Customer: Its got a couple of handles and a kind of openable door and it
has "I was assembled in Singapore .... Model number .... Serial number ....
Ethernet ID ...." written on the front.

Tech: Aaaahhh, I see. Actually, you're looking at the bottom of the iMac.
Which means... that the flat area on what you think is the base, is actually
the screen. Turn the machine over and you should be sorted.

Customer: Lets just see ... Oh there it is!! Oh, I feel so foolish, it's so
confusing, I bet it happens often.

Tech: No, not often.
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                        Sexual World Records

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los
Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28
inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a
lubricated American football into her vagina.

WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona.
It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a
small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed
to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice,
a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It
is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella
and is known as a 'C*nt Pump'.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal
fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the
greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a
'staggering turd' over period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured
at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded
time of 2 mins 42 seconds.
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    Finally Big Ben's Thought for the Week ...

100 years ago, a group of people chasing a black man across a field was
known as the "Klu Klux Klan", these days, it's known as the "PGA Tour"...
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[ End Fri humour ]


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