Friday humour - June 08, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

   Yo - and firstly a message to Ralph Barber in the Motherland.  If you are
   going to send things directly to this list at least have the courtesy to
   take a little effort to remove all the extraneous characters - and other
   people's email addresses.  This list has its standards (such as they are).

   Not a bad contrib as it happens - but please send them to Tony or me.  Our
   CEO Tony may have more to say on this little lapse.  They don't call us
   the Masters of Decorum for nothing you know ...


   And now a word from our sponsor:

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My request is for some of the 1930s stuff produced in Adelaide by 5AD - the
classic "Yes What" series.  I can supply you with the CDs - generously given
to me by our great Supremo - Tony - the Great Man.


                           [ editorial ]


And! - because he's still reading this - well I do hope so - a message for
Terry Lane.  Terry Who? you tabloid readers may ask.  Terry Lane who used to
be an icon at 3LO - and still does regular bits and pieces on our ABC quoting
things from this very place - as recently as today.

Terry: An American "octopus" known as Clear Channel Communications has recently
taken control of Australia's second biggest radio network - the ARN.  It is
famous in the States for terminating local progamming, cutting staff, and
networking stations from hundreds of miles away.  I must admit some of our
readers wouldn't care if our FM stations broadcast Radio Moscow if it was noisy
enough.  But some of us do care.  Please contact Tony or me for more information.

My letter forewarning listeners about this will be published in next Thursday's
"The Australian" - only $1.10 at your local newsagency!

Terry - it's great to have you on board our Friday Humour list and your regular
column in The Sunday Age is "usually" appreciated by most/some of us.

Well somebody must like it - perhaps it's the good wife.

[ Ian, you forgot "The National Interest" (RN) *and* the Jon Faine program on
  Thursdays at 11am.  Ed :-]

... so

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    First funnies this week from the one and only Maria Harding


                           The First Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front
door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum
powder.  "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.  "Just pretend you're
a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to
sleep.  Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."
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                      Ari's first day of school


One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give
$2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said,
"Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.  Andrew." The
teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Ari, come up here and I'll give you
the $2."

As the teacher was giving Ari his money, she said, "You know Ari, since you're
Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

ARI replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business ..."
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   And a quickie from Nicki A/O:


                   The Pharmecutical Industry

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name.  Tylenol is acetaminophen,
Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it
has settled on Mycoxafailin.

Also considered were Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadun, and
Alimpdixafixit.
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   Now from Steve Kerassitis:


                  Irish, Mex, and Redneck

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.  They were eating lunch and
the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage.  If I get Corned beef and
cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!!  If I get
Burritos one more time I'm going to jump too."

The Redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again.  If I get a Bologna
sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next Day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees Corned beef and cabbage
and jumps to his death.

The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a Burrito and jumps too.

The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the Bologna and jumps to his death also.

At The Funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping.  She says, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of Corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it
to him again."

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him Tacos or
Enchiladas.  I didn't realise he hated Burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife...."Hey, don't look at
me," she said, "That dumb-ass makes his OWN lunch!"
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   A trio of quickies from Brian McNicol:


  * There was a major air disaster today in Ireland.  A Cessna aircraft
    with two passengers crashed into a cemetery in Dublin.  Rescue workers have
    so far recovered 826 bodies.  Digging continues.


  * A whisky tanker sank today in the North Sea spilling 50,000 gallons of
    whisky.  A coastguard spokesman said no tern was being left unstoned!


  * A Scotsman today committed suicide - he went next door to gas himself!
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    A new variation of an old gem from Mad Mick of Marwick:


Three couples were invited to join the church of a brand new religious sect.

The first couple were both 75 years old.  The second couple were middle aged and
the third couple were both young newlyweds.

The self appointed religious leader told the three couples that they had to
live by strict rules and a small test would be necessary to make certain they
are all of the right calibre to join.

Each couple had to refrain from sexual intercourse for two weeks to be allowed
to join.

After that period, the leader asked the old couple how they coped over the last
fortnight, and they told him, "Fine - we do not do it very often these days
anyway, so it was no problem."

They were asked to join and made very welcome.

The leader asked the middle aged couple the same question.  "It was a struggle,
but we made the effort and abstained from sex."

They were also asked to join and made very welcome.

The young couple were asked and replied, "Well, it was OK for the first week,
and the Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday of the second week,
but then I saw my wife bending over picking up a can of paint.  I couldn't
resist it, I threw up her skirt, yanked down her knickers and slipped her a
portion.  I was quite uncontrollable for the next 20 minutes."

The leader told them they had failed the test and they had in fact banned
themselves from going to this church ever again.

"That's ironic," said the guy, "we're banned from the shop as well."
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    And now an oldie but a goodie from the firey redhead who several will
    remember as a blast from the past - Beryl (ex-Port typing pool):


Possibly the funniest story in a long while.  This is a bricklayer's accident
report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of
the Workers' Compensation board.  This is a true story.  Had this guy died,
he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

Dear Sir:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3
of the accident report form.  I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.
You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be
sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the day of the accident, I was working alone
on the roof of a new six story building.  When I completed my work, I found
that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be
slightly in excess of 500 lbs.  Rather than carry the bricks down by hand,
I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to
the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out
and loaded the bricks into it.  Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it
tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.  You will note in Block 11 of the
accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.  Due to my surprise at being jerked off
the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the
rope.  Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.  In
the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward
at an equal, impressive speed.  This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions
and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.


Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers
of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.  Fortunately by this time I
had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite
of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.  At approximately the same time,
however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50
lbs.  I refer you again to my weight.  As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent,
down the side of the building.  In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the
barrel coming up.  This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and
several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.  The encounter with the barrel seemed to
slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and
fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain,
unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the
rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto
me.  This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.
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   A couple from Olivine - the lady next door:


                          LIVING IN THE 00'S

You know you're living in the 00's when: -

1.  You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2.  You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3.  You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4.  You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.

5.  Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have
    e-mail addresses.

6.  When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
    business manner.

7.  When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "0" to get
    an outside line.

8.  You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different
    companies.

9.  Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best
    jokes.

13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

14. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service
    awards.

15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual
    budgets combined.

16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience,
    terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest
    features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.

19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.

20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department
    desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants
    advising your boss's boss on strategy.

21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

 AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"

24. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already,
    but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.

25. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to
    send you jokes from the net.

26. This email has 20 different disclaimer notes at the bottom, telling you
    that the information is confidential, but you forward anyway.
                    - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -


A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.  He took his faithful pet dog
along for company.

One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that
he is lost.  So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Ok f**k , I'm in deep sh#t now." (He was an Irish setter.)
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down
to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "That was one
delicious leopard.  I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this
the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him,
and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew", says the leopard, "That was close.  That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
the leopard.  So, off he goes.

But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that
something must be up. (Irish paranoia)

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal
for himself with the leopard.  The leopard is furious at being made a fool of
and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks
"What the hell am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers
pretending he hasn't seen them yet.  And just when they get close enough to
hear, the dog says, "Where's that bloody monkey.  I just can never trust him.
I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still
not back ..."
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Now for some funny pics from all and sundry - especially sundry ...


Advertising signs from Ben
 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

George Bush exposed Click here

Dear Captain Click here

Lap swimming permitted: Click here

Foot and Mouth Click here

Office woes Click here

Donkey love Click here

Axe does it for you Click here
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   Another from Brian Mc.N (UK):


John, who was born without ears, needed to hire a new Bank Manager.

He set up three interviews.

The first guy was great.  He knew everything he needed to know and was very
interesting.  But at the end of the interview, John asked him, "Do you notice
anything different about me?"

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply.  John
did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman, who had been with the bank a long time.  She
was even better than the first guy.  But he asked her the same question: "Do you
notice anything different about me?"

"Well," she said, "you have no ears." John again got upset and tossed her out.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch.  He was a young man
who had recently earned his MBA.  He was smart.  He was handsome.  And he seemed
to be a better businessman that the first two put together.

John was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man: "Do you notice anything
different about me?" And much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes.  You
wear contact lenses."

John was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.

"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.  The young man fell off his
chair laughing hysterically and replied,

"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no friggin' ears!"
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    And from QCAT - up there in the Brissie sun:


               THE MOST VENOMOUS SNAKE IN THE WORLD

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black.  Fangless, with a highly venomous
spit.  Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting
in an inconspicuous bump.  Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating
pain after nine months.  The attack is not usually fatal.  However, it has been
known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable
disease and possible death.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most
unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women.  However, once the venom is
injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery.  There
is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to
be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the
bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far
has not been reported to have led to any success.

MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile,
   with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.

4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and
   the last time the snake attacked.

5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not
necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful
pet.
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   And one from Ben in Wellington where they like to tell jokes about those
   way down south ...

                       A bloke from Southland

A bloke from Southland buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he
announces, his wife has just produced "a typical Southland" baby boy
weighing 25 pounds.  Congratulations showered him from all around, and many
exclamations of "WOW!" were heard.  A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.  The bartender says, "Say, you're the
father of the typical Southland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.  How much
does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds," The bartender
is puzzled, "Why?  What happened?  He already weighed 25 pounds at birth." The
father takes a slow swig from his Speights beer, wipes his lips on his shirt
sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised."
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    And we close with Ben's thought for the day ...


There are only 10 sorts of people in the world - those who understand binary ...
and those who don't.
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[ End Fri humour ]


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