Friday humour - June 01, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

         Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
          Toilet out of order please use floor below.

   Yo - good grief - it's getting colder and more colderer - and the
   weather's not too good either.  And winter arrives tomorrow.  Warm up on
   some of these golden oldies rejigged ... and a few newies ...  There will
   always be new jokes whilst the world is full of assorted idiots.

   First contributions this week from Mad Mick of Marwick ...


An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of
water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through
the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath when all of a sudden
he sees a shiny object sticking out ofthe sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has
manischewitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left
in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie....... But this is
no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with
black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.

"Well kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a
Jewish genie!"

"What have you got to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right. "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

     ******POOF*********

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he
is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"Okay kid, what's your second wish?"

My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

    *****POOF******

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.

"Okay kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish that no matter where
I go beautiful women will always need and want me!!!"

*****POOF*****


He is turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY.

If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.
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And a few from David over at Highett

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:

     1 bar of soap
     1 toothbrush
     1 tube of toothpaste
     1 loaf of bread
     1 pint of milk
     1 apple
     1 banana
     1 orange
     1 plum
     1 peach
     1 grapefruit
     1 tomato
     1 lettuce
     1 cabbage
     1 baking potato
     1 kraft single
     1 samosa
     1 vegetable pakora
     1 muesli bar
     1 pie
     1 single serving of cereal
     1 single frozen dinner
     1 single frozen pizza

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single, huh?"

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, 'How'd you guess?'

He says, 'Because you're ugly.'
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And from Olivine at the thriving Division next door


                              Death & Taxes...


The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges
$1,000 per visit.

Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills.

The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie.

Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that
there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit.

Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour
later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.

Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.

At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used
my services three nights in a row.

Where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's
attourney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."

(Some things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an
attourney.)
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And a few from Lee over at Melbourne Uni


                            Siamese Twins

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins,
and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts
to work on the other. He realises that the first one might get bored watching,
so he her asks what she'd like to do.

She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone."

So she plays it while he screws her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building.

One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."

The other girl says, "Gee ... do you think he'd remember us?"
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                              Shrinkage?

The balcony of the execution chamber was full as the old black murderer was led
to the electric chair. Wires were attached to his head, chest, and arms. To
put the wires on his legs, the executioner cut the man's pants at the knees,
and the head of the prisoner's dick popped out one of the slits. The gallery
of witnesses began to laugh hysterically.

The old man looked up with tears in his eyes and screamed, "Laugh, you sons
of bitches, but if you was as scared as me, yours would shrink up, too!"
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                               Fumigate

Hodgee comes to the United States from India, and he's only here a few months
when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them
can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.  The doctor says, "Take
dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and
then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Hodgee takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket,
pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes.

Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked! I feel terrific.

What was it?"

The doctor says, "You were homesick."
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    And from Bob Flann ...

One day in the future, George W Bush has a heart attack and dies.  He
immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have
no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm
going to do.

I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.  I'll let
one of them go, but you have to take their place.  I'll even let YOU decide
who leaves."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water.  He kept diving in and
surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over.  Such was his fate in hell."No,"
George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I
could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room.  In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after
time after time.  "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the
floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread
eagle pose.  Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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Some graphics sent in by David A, Damid Mac, Ben, and others ...


Welcome to Africa  Click here

New improved toolbar  Click here

Calm night in Wellington Click here

Problem solving Click here

The passenger seat  Click here

Breezie ride  Click here

The real thing?  Click here
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And from Oz's Wild West


Bruce, a middle-aged Australian tourist, visited the red light district of
Amsterdam and entered a large brothel.

It was his first time in Europe.

The Madam asked him to be seated and sent over a young lady to entertain the
prospective client. They sat and talked, frolicked a little, giggled a bit,
drank a bit and she sat on his lap. Then he whispered in her ear and she
screamed and ran away!

Seeing that, the Madam sent over a more experienced lady to entertain the
gentleman.

They sat and talked, frolicked a little, giggled a bit, drank a bit and she
sat on his lap. Once again when he whispered something in her ear she screamed
and ran away!

The Madam decided that only the most experienced lady, Lola, would do!

Lola looked a bit tired, but there was nothing she hadn't done already and
absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sat and talked, frolicked a little,
giggled a bit, drank a bit and she sat on his lap. But when he whispered in
her ear she screamed louder than the previous two and ran away!

The Madam was by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like it in
all her years of operating a brothel.

She asked, "What did you want to do, to make them run away like that?"

Bruce said: "I just asked if I could pay in Australian Dollars".
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    An oldie but a goodie from Ben in Windy Wellington ...


Colin was bragging to his boss one day,

"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and
I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom
Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical.  After they leave Cruise's
house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.  "President Bush," his boss
quickly retorts.

"Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss
over, saying,

"Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your
friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they
leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again
implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long
time." So off they fly to Rome.

Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Colin says, "This will never work.  I can't catch the Pope's eye among all
these people.  Tell you what - I know all the guards, so just let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough,
half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time
Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded
by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss
looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the
balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the fuck's that on the balcony
with Colin?"
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[ End Fri humour ]


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