Friday humour - May 25, 2001

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

Yo - on this cold almost wintery day.  Let's hope a few funnies will make
you feel all warm and fuzzy - perhaps the Treasurer's budget speech the other
night has already done the trick ...  Hmmmmmm??

Now I must apologise for what could start to be known as the "FH Wrap" (perhaps
someone could write the music and Tony and I can provide the words) but when
I read this in Lookout ... er Outlook ... the wrap is mildly annoying - but in
Pine it's perfect.  Now far be it from me to say Pine is better than Outlook -
I'm sure it depends on how each and everyone of you has set up the number of
characters that whatever program you use is set to display or print.  And I'm
equally sure that most of you wouldn't have ever fiddled with the defaults.
It would be most embarassing if someone walked in and found you at it.
But never fear Tony and I am determined to run all of this through some
program that will narrow the whole thing down so that just one or two trees
may eventually be saved.

And we are quite unanimous in this ...
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    First this week a couple from Maria Harding ...


                           Johnny at school.


The teacher is playing a little game with her students. She describes something
and the kids have to guess what it might be. The first question is: "What is
round, red und and grows on a tree?"

Johnny's hand shot up first. He is really happy that he can answer this one.

"So what is it, dear?" asks the teacher.

"It's a cherry," says Johnny with a big grin.

"It may be," the teacher says. "But it could also be an apple."

Johnny was a little disappointed.

The next question is: "It is white, has wings and swims in the water. What
is it?"

Again Johnny's hand shoots up. "It's a swan," he yells.  "A swan!"

"Maybe, Johnny," the teacher smiles, "but it could also be a seagull."

This goes on for a while. Each time Johnny thinks he has guessed right,
the teacher mentions an alternative.

Eventually Johnny gets quite annoyed. He puts up his hand again and says:
"May I ask a question now, Miss?"

"Of course," she says, that's what I want you to do."

"Ok then," Johnny says, " What is stiff, dry and long when it goes in and
small, wet and shrivelled when it comes out?"

The teacher's face goes bright red. She rushes up and smacks Johnny behind the
ear.

"Right," Johnny says, "but it could also be a chewing gum."
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Q: What did the left ovary say to the right ovary?

A: Looks like we're in for a musical night. There's an organ coming up the
   passage.
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And from David M over at Telstra:


   1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
   2. The sport of choice for the maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
   3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
   4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
   5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
   6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

   AMAZING CONCLUSION:

   The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
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Chonked in from Russell Mac:


                        Annual Darwin Awards


The latest Darwin Awards update.... The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar,
are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by
eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

1.  A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house
down, killing both him and his sister.

2.  A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white
saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a
schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had
the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other
end of the hose was connected to a one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12"
long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rear end
for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the
task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

3.  Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants
of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They
were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

4.  A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details
before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not
breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch,
naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR,
she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and
removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police
made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a
hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what
caused his death. Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between
the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with
the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons).  According to the story, after
his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5.  A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing
herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a
Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had
been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping
for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to
save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

6.  A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus
straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police
said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together,
wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at
Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police
spokesman, said investigators think Barcia Was alone because his car was found
nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the
distance between the trestle and the ground", Carmichael said. Police say
the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma".

7.  A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend
were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.  The friend -
no doubt, a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalised.

8.  Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of
a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition lights, power, etc. After the building had been
evacuated, two technicians from the Gas Company were dispatched. Upon entering
the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To
their frustration, none of the lights worked (you can see what's coming,
can't you?). Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians
reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse
exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of
the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The
technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright'
by his peers.
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And from a new contributor from Wellington, NZ - an oldie and a newie -
note the Kiwi lingo of the second contribution ...


                 MAN

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire
clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until
long after hypothermia has set in.
-----------------------

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood
and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows
up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things,
but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to
start." We will then drink beer.
-----------------------

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.  You never get as sick as I do,
so for you this isn't an issue.
-----------------------

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"Cumin" or "Tofu".  For all I know these are the same thing.  And never,
under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine
hygiene product" is a euphemism.
-----------------------

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on
taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much
once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
-----------------------

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while
I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking
for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
-----------------------

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
answer is always either sex, racing, or football, though I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't.
-----------------------

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more
than I have to.  Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need
to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mum too!!
-----------------------

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are,
if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
-----------------------

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were
wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.  Either pair of shoes is fine. With
the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine.  You look fine. Can we
just go now?
-----------------------

Because I'm a man, and this is a world of equality, I will share equally
in the housework.  You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening,
the cleaning, and the dishes.  I'll do the rest.
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3 mechanics working underneath their vehicles at the same time in different
parts of the world.  An American, an Australian and a Samoan.

The yank is busy tinkering away under his Chevy when his wife walks into the
garage and calls him. He slides out from under the chevy and looks directly
up her dress. On seeing she had no underwear, he asks,"oh baby, where are
your panties?" She replies, "You never give me any cash to buy any panties"
The yank reaches into his back pocket and pulls out some cash and says to
his wife, " Well here's some greenbucks, go buy yerself some panties!"

At the same time the Aussie Ocker is underneath his HQ Holden tinkering away
when HIS wife walks into the garage and calls him. He slides out on his
trolley from beneath the Holden and looks directly up his wife's frock. "Oh
darlin' where thee hell are ya kneeckers??" She answers, "You never geeve me
any moolahs to buy my kneeckers".  So the ocker reaches into his back pocket
and pulls out a 20 dollar bill and replies, "well here's a lobster darl, gow
an boy yoreself some kneekers!"

Now at that very moment a Samoan was tinkering under his van, in South
Auckland when his big -mama- of-a wife comes into the car port and calls her
husband. He slides out on his mat from under the van and looks directly up
her lavalava. Tarling!...where are your ploomers??" he asks. She replies,
"You ton't keef me any pingas to puy my plarly ploomers!" The husband
reaches into his back pocket and says..... "Well, heres a comb, ko and tidy
yourself up!"


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And another from Russell - "chonk on ..."


A man driving down a deserted stretch of highway notices a sign out of the
corner of his eye:

  SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
  HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
  10 MILES

Thinking it was just a figment of his imagination he drives on without a
second thought.  Soon, he sees another sign:

  SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
  HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
  5 MILES

He begins to realise that these signs are real. He then drives past a third sign:

  SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
  HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
  NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.  On the far
side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to
the door:

  SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested
in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.  The
nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long
habit, holding a plate. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the plate,
then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet, places it in the plate, trots eagerly down
the hall, and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
facing another small sign:

  GO IN PEACE
  YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
  BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS


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A couple from David A over at Highett  (you know they're being told at
Highett that in five years time they'll be at Clayton - Port people were
fed this for 20 years ...)


            Blonde Breakdown


A blonde's car breaks down on the 401 one day.

So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the
vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their
coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.

It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle
yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"

My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.

And she said... (scroll down)













"Those are my emergency flashers!"
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And for those graphically inclined a selection from our own Deanna, Olivine
Madsen, Steve Harding, Ben Lennard, David Allnutt, and your truly ...


Some other time Click here

Course Rules Click here

"Supermouse" Click here

Big Boy Click here

And the winner is ...  Click here

Ansett Absolutely Click here

Phone message Click here

Light relief Click here

Possibly employed Click here

For those who need their daily fix Click here

(Now if these don't work - one of them will - don't blame me - I'm only
the piano player - and I only play in the key of "C".)

Perfection Click here

Making the best of boredom Click here

Serenity Click here

Got it in ...  Click here

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   And finally, something from the irrepressible other Russell over at
   Bushells' Tea House - those who would like to see the one about the
   "Top 10 Unconventional Sex Positions" should contact Russell directly ...


      Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
      self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating
      ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
      meadow near her castle.

      The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was
      once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

      One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young
      prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping
      in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my
      clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

      That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
      sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
      she chuckled and thought to herself:

      "I don't fucking think so."
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                                 [end FH]

[ End Fri humour ]


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