Friday humour - May 18, 2001

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Time for a few more laughs for those few of you who can find the time.
    (And if you can't, you'd damn well better make the time.)

    Mike Horne once suggested that we should run the occasional "best of"
    for Friday humour.  Well - this week there *are* a couple of repeats,
    so there is a small 'best of' element in it.

    Okay, first up for the week, this collection - which was recently passed
    on by Steve [redacted]:

                           TOMMY COOPER AT HIS BEST

   (A couple have been around before, but ...)

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.  The ceremony was
crap but the reception was brilliant.

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "

"Is that common, Doc? "

"It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.  "My dog's cross-eyed.  Is there anything
you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "Bring him over here and let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, checks his teeth, and gives him
the complete once-over.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What?  Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

A guy goes into the doctor's.

"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside

"How's that?"

"Don't you start"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

What's brown and sounds like a bell?


What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died.'"

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?  The one I was in went
back and forwards.  I thought 'This is unusual'.  And the dentist said to me
'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."  The other one
says "so are you, you fat g*t!!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other
was eating fireworks.  They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.  They left
a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'  So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said "Well don't go there any more"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.  He wasn't very happy.

I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got
a bit frisky and decided to do something about it.  So we decided we'd take
the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day.  It's costing me 6p a month for the next
2 years.

          Now for one from Linda Ottery (who now hangs out over at HSN
          in Parkville ... I wonder if she ever runs into Lee ... ? :-)

   Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show ... ?

Six men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays two sports, and either takes music or dance classes.

There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct
all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores
are done.

There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.

The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply
themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at
3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one
marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off based on performance.

The winner gets to go back to his job.

           Okay - to the UK now, and this one from Brian D. McNicol:

                             MEMO TO ALL PERSONNEL

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from
personnel, it will be our policy to keep all personnel well taught through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).  We are trying to give
our personnel more S.H.I.T. than any other organisation.  If you feel that you
do not receive your share of S.H.I.T., please see your line manager.  You will
be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our line managers
are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Personnel who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.  seriously will have to go to
EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).  Since our management took
S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. any more,
as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in teaching others.  We can
add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For personnel who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL
RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).  This course emphasises how to manage
M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.  If you have further questions, please direct them to our

  Thank you,

        (B.I.G.  S.H.I.T.)

         Nicki A-O recently posted this one, which we've had before as it
         turns out (Sept 25, 1997) but I'm sure some of you haven't seen it
         and it's quite good so we'll give it a re-run:

                                 VIRUS ALERT

Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive.  Not only that, but it will scramble
any disks that are even close to your computer.  It will recalibrate your
refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty.  It will
demagnetise the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on
your television and use sub-space field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try
to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number.  It will mix Kool-aid
into your fish tank.  It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on
the coffee table when there's company coming over.  It will put a dead kitten
in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you
are late for work.

Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin.  It will give you
nightmares about circus midgets.  It will pour sugar in your gas tank and
shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back
and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

It will seduce your grandmother.  It does not matter if she is dead, such is
the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those
things we hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.  It will
kick your dog.  It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail
in your voice!  It is insidious and subtle.  It is dangerous and terrifying to
behold.  It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.  It will leave the toilet seat up.
It will make a batch of Methanphedime in your bathtub and then leave bacon
cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase grade-schoolers with your new

Listen to me.  Goodtimes does not exist.

It cannot do anything to you.  But I can.  I am sending this message to
everyone in the world.  Tell your friends, tell your family.  If anyone else
sends me another E-mail about this fake Goodtimes Virus, I will turn hating
them into a religion.  I will do things to them that would make a horse head
in your bed look like Easter Sunday brunch.

       Time for a few pics (and one bit of audio :-)  First pair
       of pics (snapped by Angelica) were passed on by TBFXRD (Nicki)
       after her Dell PC exhibited evidence of bugs on Anzac day:

 Bugs 1 (the PC):  Click here
 Bugs 2 (the CD drive):  Click here

       Then there was this one, as passed on by Doug Knight:

 My truck:  Click here

       With fuel prices soaring, here are a couple of relevant pics as
       passed on by Lee's favourite, David (Fifi) McCallum:

 Fuel menu:  Click here
 Impatient:  Click here

       Deanna came across this little audio grab (which sounds as though it
       came via an off-air radio station log tape).  Just a WARNING here -
       the language is a titch on the blue side, so perhaps listen via
       headphones if you're reading this during morning tea or lunch ... :-)

 Annoyed customer:  Click here

       Next one will have to be from "anon" (I forget who forwarded this):

 Cat carrier: Click here

       And a couple from Steve [redacted]:

 Out of the closet: Click here
 Beer cooler: Click here

       This one was also passed on by Dave McCallum:

 Late date: Click here

       And last of all, from Steve over at AMCOR ... the perils of working
       in the Amazon jungle ...

 Amazon pic #1: Click here
 Amazon pic #2: Click here
 Amazon pic #3: Click here

         Actually, just returning to junk mail for a moment - I just noticed
         another example on the CEAC site :-)

                            TEAR-JERKING JUNK MAIL

I am a very sick boy little boy.  My mother is typing this for me, because I
can't.  She is crying. (Don't cry, Mummy!) Mummy is always sad, but she says
it's not my fault.  I asked her if it was God's fault, but she didn't answer,
and only started crying harder, so I don't ask her that any more.

The reason she is so sad is that I'm so sick.  I was born without a body.
It doesn't hurt, except when I go to sleep.  The doctors gave me an artificial
body.  My body is a flour sack filled with leaves.  The doctors said that was
the best they could do on account of us havin' no money or insurance.  I would
like to have a body transplant, but we need more money.

Mummy doesn't work because she said employers don't hire crying people.  I said,
"Don't cry, Mummy," and she hugged my flour sack body.  Mummy always gives me
hugs, even though she's allergic to leaves, and it chafes her real bad.  I hope
you will help me.

You can help me if you forward this e-mail.  Dr. Van Nostrem from the clinic
said if you forward this e-mail then Bill Gates will team up with AOL and
do a survey with NASA.  Then the astronauts will collect prayers from school
children all over America and take them up to space so that the angels can hear
them better.  Then they will go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection
in church and send the money to the doctors.  The doctors could help me get
better then.  Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball.  Or maybe just
use my lungs and heart, when the doctors make them.  The doctors said that
every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take another prayer
to the angels.

Please help me.  Mummy is so sad, and I want a body.  I don't want my leaves
to rot before I turn 10.  If you don't forward this e-mail, that's okay.  Mummy
says you're a mean heartless shithead who doesn't care about a poor little
boy with only a head.  She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your
own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death so
you can burn forever in the tar pits of hell.  What kind of goddamned person
are you that you can't take five fucking minutes to forward this to all your
friends so that they can feel guilt and shame for the rest of their day,
and then maybe help a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?

Please help me.  This really sucks.  I try to be happy but it's hard.  I wish I
had a puppy.  I wish I could hold a puppy.  One time I had a puppy but he pissed
on my leaves.

   Thank You.

       The boy with just a head.  And a sack of leaves for a body.

             And a couple more limericks from Brian D. McNicol:

                   Mary had a little lamb
                   Its feet were covered in blisters
                   now its burning in a ditch
                   with its brothers and its sisters

                 ... and ...

                   Mary's lamb had foot and mouth
                   The vet came round and shot it.
                   But  Mary's dad had screwed the lamb
                   And now her mother's got it.

        Whilst checking through the archives earlier, I saw this one from
        July 1998 and for those who may have missed it at the time, I reckon
        it's worth a re-run too.  This is the last item for this week, so I
        trust that those who've already seen it don't mind too much.

        Originally passed on by David Magnay (Telstra):

  This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas web site
  by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour.  The company,
  of course, does not (have a sense of humour), and made the web department
  take it down immediately.  (In case you don't know: McDonnell Douglas is
  one of the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft).

    Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.

In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below.  Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1.  [  ] Mr.  [  ] Mrs.  [  ] Ms.  [  ] Miss  [  ] Lt.    [  ] Gen.
    [  ] Comrade  [  ] Classified  [  ] Other

   First Name:
   Initial: ........
   Last Name: ......................................................
   Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
   Code Name: ......................................................
   Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ...........  ...........  ..........

2.  Which model aircraft did you purchase?
    [  ] F-14 Tomcat
    [  ] F-15 Eagle
    [  ] F-16 Falcon
    [  ] F-117A Stealth
    [  ] Classified

3.  Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day):   19....... / ....... /......

4.  Serial Number:................................................

5.  Please check where this product was purchased:
    [  ] Received as gift / aid package
    [  ] Catalogue / showroom
    [  ] Independent arms broker
    [  ] Mail order
    [  ] Discount store
    [  ] Government surplus
    [  ] Classified

6.  Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
    have just purchased:
    [  ] Heard loud noise, looked up
    [  ] Store display
    [  ] Espionage
    [  ] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
    [  ] Political lobbying by manufacturer
    [  ] Was attacked by one

7.  Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision
    to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
    [  ] Style / appearance
    [  ] Speed / Manoeuvrability
    [  ] Price / value
    [  ] Comfort / convenience
    [  ] Kickback / bribe
    [  ] Recommended by salesperson
    [  ] McDonnell Douglas reputation
    [  ] Advanced Weapons Systems
    [  ] Back-room politics
    [  ] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8.  Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
    [  ] North America
    [  ] Iraq
    [  ] Central / South America
    [  ] Iraq
    [  ] Aircraft carrier
    [  ] Iraq
    [  ] Europe
    [  ] Iraq
    [  ] Middle East (not Iraq)
    [  ] Iraq
    [  ] Africa
    [  ] Iraq
    [  ] Asia / Far East
    [  ] Iraq
    [  ] Misc. Third World countries
    [  ] Classified
    [  ] Iraq

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase
   in the near future:
    [  ] Colour TV
    [  ] VCR
    [  ] ICBM
    [  ] Killer Satellite
    [  ] CD Player
    [  ] Air-to-Air Missiles
    [  ] Space Shuttle
    [  ] Home Computer
    [  ] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Check all that
    [  ] Communist / Socialist
    [  ] Terrorist
    [  ] Crazed
    [  ] Neutral
    [  ] Democratic
    [  ] Dictatorship
    [  ] Corrupt
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11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
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    [  ] Traveller's cheque

12. Your occupation:
    [  ] Home-maker
    [  ] Sales / marketing
    [  ] Revolutionary
    [  ] Clerical
    [  ] Mercenary
    [  ] Tyrant
    [  ] Middle management
    [  ] Eccentric billionaire
    [  ] Defence Minister / General
    [  ] Retired
    [  ] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the
    interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating
    on a regular basis:
    [  ] Golf
    [  ] Boating / sailing
    [  ] Sabotage
    [  ] Running / jogging
    [  ] Propaganda / disinformation
    [  ] Destabilisation / overthrow
    [  ] Default on loans
    [  ] Gardening
    [  ] Crafts
    [  ] Black market / smuggling
    [  ] Collectibles / collections
    [  ] Watching sports on TV
    [  ] Wines
    [  ] Interrogation / torture
    [  ] Household pets
    [  ] Crushing rebellions
    [  ] Espionage / reconnaissance
    [  ] Fashion clothing
    [  ] Border disputes
    [  ] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas
serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive
mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist
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As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a
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Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?  Please write to:

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[ End Fri humour ]

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