Friday humour - May 11, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

    Yo!  Welcome to fast-track FH - kindly excuse any wraps and typos -
    though WordPerfect has removed the >>> characters - as this is being
    flung together on the run ...  us government workers really haven't got
    enough time to address the things that really matter ...

    First this week is this one from David (Fifi) McCallum.  Try some of the
    insults after you've had a few at the next barby:
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           AUSTRALIAN SLANG - A GUIDE (in case you were wondering).


         I'M HUNGRY
         ----------

"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."

"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."

"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."

"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."

"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."


         I'M THIRSTY
         -----------

"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."

"I'm drier than a nuns nasty."

"I'm dry as a fuck with no foreplay."

"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."

"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."

"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."


         I NEED TO GO FOR A PEE
         ----------------------

"Gonna drain me dragon."

"My back teeth are floating."

"Need to syphon the python."

"Takin' the kids to the pool."

"I got to take a snakes hiss."

"Gotta go have a slash."

"Gonna go water a horse."

"I'm off to drain the main vein."

"Time to splatter the bladder."

"I'm dying for a piss so bad I can taste it."

"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."


        I NEED TO DO A POO
        ------------------

"I gotta go give birth to a politician."

"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."

"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."

"Off to the bog to leave an offering."

"Time to snap off a grogan."

"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."

"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."

"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."

"I'm going to give birth to your twin."

"Need to choke a brown dog."

"I've freed Nelson Mandela."

"Going for a Rodney."

"Taking out the garbage."

"I gotta back one out."

"Release the Chocolate hostage."


           I'M ABOUT TO VOMIT
           ------------------

"Calling for George."  (think about it)

"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."

"I left him a lawn pizza."

"Toss a tiger on the carpet."


              INSULTS
              -------

"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."

"Not enough brains to give 'imself a headache!"

"About as useful as tits on a bull."

"You must be the world's only living brain donor."

"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."

"She's had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."

"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."

"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."

"He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."

"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"

"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."

"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"

"As ugly as a bucket of arseholes."

"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk
 backwards."

"Got a face like a bashed in shit can."

"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."

"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."

"Couldn't organise a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."

"About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."

"I'll kick your bum till your nose bleeds!"

"A stubbie short of a six pack."

"Seen better heads in a piss trough."

"You're as handy as shit on a stick."

"Tighter than a fish's arse."

"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."

"Face like a smashed crab."

"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."

"He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."

"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."

"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."

"Mate, she's as rough as a pigs breakfast."

"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."

"He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."

"She's been hit with the fugley stick too many times."

"She's two pick handles wide."

"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."

"You've got a head like a dropped pie."

"He thinks his shit don' stink, but his farts give him away."

"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."

"Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."

"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."

"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs."

"As thick as two short planks!"


              COMPLIMENTS
              -----------

"Ya bloods worth bottling!"

"He's True Blue."

"I'd be up her like a rat up a drain pipe."

"A better man never stood in two shoes!"


                 YES
                 ---

"Does a fat dog fart?"

"Even Blind Freddy could see it."

"Is the Pope a Catholic?"

"Does a Koala shit in a gum tree and wipe his ass on a Cockatoo?"

"Does the Pope tuck his shirt in with a wooden spoon?"

"Bloody oath!"

"No wucking furries."


                  NO
                  --

"Pig's arse!!"


               ASSORTED
               --------

"Drilling for Vegemite." (Anal sex)

"I'll have a super." (I'll have a beer)

"Make mine an unleaded." (I'll have a light beer)

"Going off like a frog in a sock." (try to picture this one)
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              An oldie from Nicki A-O (TBFXRD):

                     FREEZING TO DEATH!


Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates struck up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death" says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man.   "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man.  "You get the shakes,
and you get pains in all your fingers and toes.  But eventually, it's a very
calm way to go.  You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.
How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man.  "You see, I knew my wife was
cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.  I ran up to the
bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.  I ran down to the basement but no-one
was hiding there, either.  I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding
there either.  I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there,
I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head.   "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
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          And a couple from Jonian Nikolov ...

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.  The assistant shows her
a beautiful African Grey parrot.  "What about this one, Madam?  A beautiful
bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $20".

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks "Well", replies the assistant, "it
used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded
and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot,
and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman
"Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly,
but she sees the funny side and let's it drop. A little later the woman's
two teenage daughters arrive home.  "A new brothel, a new madam, and now
new fucking prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum,
tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls,
but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.

"Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fucking whores, but the same
old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"  says the parrot.
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       For those who like more than the written word ...  We need more
       moving pictures.  This is an assortmant of still pics sent in by
       several people who in this issue will remain anonymous ... especially
       the last one.

More email: Click here

Oh, damn ... Click here

Video conferencing: Click here

Porno at work ... Click here

Oh, Roberto - how is it? Click here

Can you do this? (XXXX) : Click here
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                        The HR Manager


One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources
Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died.

Her soul was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, it seems we
have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it
this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in" said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders.  What we're going to do is let
you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever
one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said
the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an
elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.

In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her
friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all
cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked
about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went
to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had
a great time telling jokes and dancing.  Everybody shook her hand and waved
good-bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator opened at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for
her. She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the
harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours
were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now choose
your eternity," he said.

The woman replied: "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has
been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate
wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in
rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and
had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends
look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled.

"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff.."
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                And from the Wild West list ...


             (Sing to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John, A poor ex-marine with little
fraction gone, It seems one night after gettin' with the wife, She lopped off
his dong with the swipe of a knife. Penis, that is. Clean cut.  Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know, there's a Ginsu by his side, And Lorena's in
the car takin' Willie for a ride. She soon got tired of her purple-headed
friend, And tossed him out the window as she came around the bend. Curve,
that is. Tossed the nub. In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed the attack, And they called out the hounds
just to get his weenie back. They sniffed and they barked and they pointed,
'over there!' To John Wayne's Henry that was waving in the air.  Found,
that is. By a fence. Evidence.

Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long, So a dick doc said, 'Hey, I
can fix that dong!' 'A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need,' and the
whole world waited Till they heard that Johnny peed. Whizzed, that is. Even
seam. Straight stream.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court, With a half
-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short. They cleared her of assault and
acquitted him of rape, And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on
tape. Video, that is. Unexposed. Case closed ...
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               And of course, Mad Mick of Markwick:


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer:
May I see your driver's license?

Driver:
I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer:
May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver:
It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer:
The car is stolen?

Driver:
That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the
glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer:
There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver:
Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns
this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer:
There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver:
Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.  The car was quickly
surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the
tense situation:

Captain:
Sir, can I see your license?

Driver:
Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain:
Who's car is this?

Driver:
It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain:
Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver:
Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain:
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver:
No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you
didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that
there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver:
Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too.
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One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers.
They start talking and come to realise that they're both doctors. After about
an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about if we sleep together
tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."

The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in
the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about
to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she
goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterward, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"

"Yes, how did you know?"

"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."

"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anaesthetist, aren't you?"

"Yeah," says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?"

"Because I didn't feel a thing".
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                 A duo quickie from Allnutt's Almanac ...

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel
over his groin.

A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then
his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting
sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift
and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.

"You wanna wank?", she asked.

"You bet," came the excited reply.

"Okay," she said, "I come back in ten minutes."
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This gay man goes to the doctor.

"I think I'm pregnant," he says.

"Yeah, right," the doctor laughs. " And just who do you think the father is?"

"How the hell should I know?" says the gay guy. "Do you think I have eyes in
the back of my head?"
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                Now for some more from Allnutt's Almanac

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realise that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which
you are no longer able to satisfy.

I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be
hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will
be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home
before midnight.

 - Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that
read as follows:


Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will
be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a
mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54
goes into 18.  Therefore don't wait up.

 - Your Wife
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     And the last contribution was forwarded by the first - everyones
     favourite Collingwood supporter - Biggus McCallum:

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and
sees a really ugly frog.  Picking the frog up, she comments on the creature's
rather hideous appearance.

Princess: "My, but you are really an ugly frog!"

Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me."

Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you."

Frog: "Look, leave me alone lady. I told you, it's a really bad spell."

Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?"

Frog: "I don't know lady, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job."
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[ End Fri humour ]


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