Friday humour - May 04, 2001

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   Yo - now that all the holidays are behind us we probably need a dose of
   the Friday Funnies ...

   And for the first time this is coming to you courtesy of good old Bill's
   Outlook Exchange on the Web.  I always like to keep at the forefront of
   Bill's burgeoning technology.  I'm sure one day he'll get it right.

   If any of the moving pics don't work - don't blame me - I'm only the piano
   player.
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   Firstly one I particularly like from our former plumber extrordinaire -
   not the Richmond one - the astute Collingwood one - Adrian.

A first grade teacher at an Essendon primary school explains to her class that
she is an Essendon fan who attends Anzac Day clashes.  She asks her students to
raise their hands if they too are Essendon fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little boy.

The teacher looks at the boy with surprise and says, "Johnny, why didn't you
raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not an Essendon fan," he replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Essendon fan, then
who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Collingwood fan, and proud of it," Johnny replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Johnny, why are you a Collingwood
fan?"

"Because my mum is a Collingwood fan, and my dad is a Collingwood fan, so I'm a
Collingwood fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for
you to be a Collingwood fan. You don't have to be just like your parents
all of the time.  What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron,
what would you be then?"

"Then," Johnny smiled, "I'd be an Essendon fan."
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         Some selected news items from around the world ...

1 - When his .38- caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something
that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the
trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

2 - Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits
of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight
and said agreeably to his wife: "Boy, you sure have got fat in four years."

3 - The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.

4 - Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were
naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it
was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected
outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over
and killed by a passing car.

5 - An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked
by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge,
he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.

6 - A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees
demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the
shoulders of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off.
The passer-by was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.

7 - In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with
beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his
toy pistol.

8 - A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken
the space. Understandably, he shot her dead.

9 - One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was
'taste in clothing'.

10 - After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence,
the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a
free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

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From our intrepid Head Honcho Ron ...

               Five reaons why e-mail is like a penis!


1. Those who have it would be devistated if it were cut off.

2. Many of those who dont have it would like to try it; a phenomenon
   psychologists call E-mail Envy

3. It more fun when its up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

4. If you don't take proper precauctions it can spread viruses.

5. If you're not careful what you do with it, you can get yourself into
   a lot of trouble.

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              And for those who like some visual stimuli ...

From QCat:

Word for Blondes: Click here

From David Allnutt:

Man with an attitude: Click here

Revenge of the mouse: Click here

Future birth: Click here

If things had have been different: Click here

Wisdom of the married man: Click here

Sony's new computer camera: Click here

From Trina:

Best Supporting Actress: Click here

Who's a horse's ass?  Click here

Fetch the stick ... Click here


From Evie Popas:

Pleased to see you ... Click here

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And finally a couple from Russell at the Tea House who thankfully has lifted
his game ...

                    Austin Powers pick up lines


I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

Nice legs ... what time do they open?

Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you
seen one?

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch
away.

You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that
thing you do with your tongue.

If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

You.  Me.  Whipped cream.  Handcuffs.  Any questions?

Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

My name is Russell ... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?

Baby, I'm an American Express lover ... you shouldn't go home without me.

Do you sleep on your stomach?  Can I???

Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them

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   That IS the end of Friday Humour (Ha Ha), but next is something that is not
   funny-ha-ha but rather something funny-peculiar.

   A letter that was published in yesterdays "The Australian" written by yours
   truly.

   Maybe some of you should think about it ...

   (... and if you don't wish me to have my occasional say on what's wrong
   with the world I'll happily give up this job tomorrow - but to those 15%
   of you who never change your radio dial from 3AW - please consider ...)

                             HERE ISN'T THE NEWS ...

Four years ago Southern Cross (3AW) wanted to get rid of 3AK - which it never
promoted or threw any money at - and get hold of Magic 693 - which was rating
well.  Consequently it bought 3MP and Magic and for 18 months owned four of
the five Melbourne AM commercial stations - two more than it was allowed to.

Whilst in caretaker ownership mode it closed down the 3MP Network Newsroom
putting a lot of people out of work - and forcing all AM stations to take its
own news service.  I complained to the ABA, and all I received in response
was that "Melbourne still has a variety of radio news services".

Yeah, sure ... besides 3AW's and the ABC's, we had the two minute updates that
the FM stations provide.  We now are a city with 23 major radio stations and
only two decent radio news services.

Well, now the worm has turned.  Under its new ownership 3AK has started rising
in the ratings, so SC has told them its news service will no longer be available
to 3AK in two months time.  This can only force 3AK to join with 3UZ and 3MP and
create an alternative news service.  Thank you Southern Cross for shooting
yourselves in the foot.  Hopefully the new service will be more like 3MP's
used to be - and not a vehicle for promoting 3AW's programs.

Ian Davidson
St. Kilda, Vic
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[ End Fri humour ]


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