Friday humour - April 27, 2001

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Gidday,
     One (minor) bit of housekeeping before we start this week's load of
     nonsense ... just to let you know that it makes no difference whether
     you forward material to Davo or myself (Tony).  The 'jokes' mail folder
     is now shared between us, so we both store incoming material in it and
     then use it to put the weekly collection together.

     Contributions this week come from the old Westerly list, our Northerly
     list, Jenny Chong, David McCallum, Steve Kerassitis, Mad Mick Rand,
     Brian D. McNicol, and Lachlan Cranswick (Darth Vader).
                              ----------------------


     First up for this week, a short Irish joke from the old Westerly list:

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead.  Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal
in the church.  But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no
tellin' what they believe.  Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go roight away, Father.  But tell me - da ya' think $500
is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why didn't ya' tell me
the dog was Catholic?"
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     Then there was this one from Jenny Chong (prev of Boral and then NEC):
                              ----------------------

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy
him a drink.

"Why, of course, of course" comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "So, where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "Well you don't say.  I'm from Ireland too!  Let's
have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," says the second.

Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"Now I can't believe it - me too!  Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."

"Well, of course, of course"

The second man can't help himself, so now he asks, "What school did you attend?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is becoming unbelievable!", they say in unison.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender.  "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
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       Now to Lee's favourite contributor - one David (Fifi) Mccallum:
                              ----------------------

           TRY SAYING THESE TO HER DURING THAT NEXT FIGHT (not) ...

"Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"

"No really ... I was laughing about a joke I heard one time."

"Oooh, you are *so* cute when you get all pissed off."

"You're just upset because your arse is beginning to spread."

"Wait a minute ... I get it!  It's that time of the month, isn't it?"

"Are you gonna cry?" (force lip to quiver mockingly)

"You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?"

"Sorry.  I was just picturing you naked."

"Whoa, time out honey. 'Friends' is on."

"Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning."

"Who are you kidding?  We both know that thing ain't loaded."
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      This next one drifted down from the North (QCAT) a few weeks back:
                              ----------------------

                   FOOT & MOUTH

          Mary had a little lamb
          She called it baby Abby
          They burned it in a great big pit
          Cos its mouth and feet were scabby

          Mary had a little lamb,
          she called him Little Ralph,
          But now he's burning in a field
          Because of foot and mouth.

          Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
          And doesn't know where they're located
          But Tony Blair has said "fair's fair
          If they're burnt she'll be compensated"

          Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
          Watching her livestock burn
          When along came a vet
          Who confiscated her pet
          Will fairytale folk ever learn?

          Mary's pigs had foot and mouth
          'This crisis', cried she, 'Needs tackling
          'Now all I've got is one black field
          'And fourteen tons of crackling....
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     Here's a couple from Son of TK in Electronics - one Steve Kerassitis:
                              ----------------------

"Hello.  Is this the FBI?"

"Yes.  What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour Billy Bob Smith!  He is hiding
marijuana inside his firewood."

"Well, thank-you *very* much for that call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents in their hundreds descend on Billy Bob Smith's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.  Using axes, they chop open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.  They swear at Billy Bob Smith
and leave.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.  "Hey, Billy Bob!  Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
                         ----=====# # #====----

   ... and ...

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his
haircut.  The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get
hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies.  "I'm gonna get tits too."
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       Ah, what the heck - let's go for another Dave McCallum contribution.
       You'll love this:
                              ----------------------

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted
wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew
very little about ranching, so she decided to place an advert in the newspaper
for ranch hands.

Two men applied for the job.  One was gay and the other a drunk.  She thought
long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the
gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the
drunk.

He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long, hard hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.  For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing really well.

One day, the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really
good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks.  The ranch looks
great - I'm taking Saturday night off and I'm goin' into town to kick up my
heels and paint the town red.  You oughta do the same."

The hired hand agreed readily, and so the next Saturday night, they each went
off to town.

The rancher's wife had dinner and a lot of drinks with friends, and talked and
joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight.  The hired
hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him.  One o'clock and no
hired hand yet.  Two o'clock and no hired hand and she began to worry.

At two-thirty in came the hired hand.  The rancher's wife was sitting by the
fireplace and called him over by her.

"Now I'm the boss," she said, "and you have to do what I tell you, right?"

"Well, yes," he answered.

"Then unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Looking rather surprised, he did as he was asked.

"Now take off my shoes."  He did.

"Now take off my stockings."  He did.

"Now take off my skirt."  Looking even more surprised, he did.

"Now take off my bra."  Again he did as she'd asked.

"Now take off my panties."  And again he did what she told him.

Now leaning back and looking at him rather strangely, she said; "Right.  Now,
don't you ever wear my clothes to town again."
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         Time for some pics.  First block comes courtesy of David McCallum:

      Microsoft now brings you ... Click here
      That romantic moment: Click here
      Decathlon: Click here
      What would you do if ... Click here

         Then there were (these) two ... from QCAT:

      Consequences: Click here
      Something for your front garden: Click here

         Some more Microsoft stuff was also passed on by Ron Kerpen -
         "The messages we'd love to see in that next version ..."

      Love to see #1: Click here
      Love to see #2: Click here
      Love to see #3: Click here

         And finally - this collection of goodies from Steve Kerassitis (and
         thanks to Steve Harding for hosting the big ones):

      Volunteers wanted: Click here
      John Hopoate's film now released: Click here
      Now showing: Click here
      Anyone like my shirt? Click here
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       Okay - that's enough pics for one week (fun though they are).

       Now, Davo doesn't use the great unix "vi" editor, so when Mad Mick
       from Marwick (UK) originally posted this in a glorious mixture of
       HTML and Microsoft RTF, Davo just told Mick to go and get a life.
       However, quite un-abashed by such treatment, Cr Mad immediately re-
       posted it (fortunately, most pom's have thick hides).  So here 'tis:
                              ----------------------

        MORE TEST ANSWERS FROM PRIMARY SCHOOL CHILDREN (RELIGIOUS CLASS)

In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world,
so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals
came to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezabel like Delilah.

Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the desert.

The first commandment is Thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still
and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.  He fought with the
Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate Contraption.

St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one
to you.

He also explained that Man does not live by sweat alone.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone
off the entrance.

The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.

St Paul cavorted to Christianity.  He preached the holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse.  This is called monotony.
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       Now to another colleague of Dave Rand - Brian D. McNicol (also in the
       UK, of course) who sent in a few goodies recently.  Here's a couple of
       the best ones:
                              ----------------------

                 A HEARTWARMING STORY OF THE ADVANCES OF WOMEN
                  IN ACHIEVING EQUALITY THROUGHOUT THE WORLD

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before
the Gulf War.  She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet
behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several
yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvellous, can
you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal
of roles?"

'Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.
                           ----=====# # #====----

    ... and ...

                                  BE WARNED

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for 40 years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly
every morning when he woke.  The noise would wake his wife and the smell would
make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was
making her sick.  He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly
natural.  She told him to see a Doctor; she was concerned that one day he would
blow his guts out.  The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and
he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the
turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her.  She took the bowl and went upstairs where her
husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey
guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which
was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as
he ran into the bathroom.  The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled
on the floor laughing; tears in her eyes.  After years of torture she reckoned
she had got her own back.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained
underpants with a look of horror on his face.  She bit her lip as she asked him
what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right.  All those years you warned me and I didn't
listen to you."

"What do you mean," asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and
today it finally happened.  But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and these
two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
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        Finally for this week - one from Lachlan (currently enjoying
        the spring weather over in NY):
                              ----------------------

Worth browsing this site for material if people have the time.  Original
is at: Click here

            Darth Vader sings that popular song Sun Screen

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Vassar College class of '99...

    Embrace the Dark Side.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, the Dark Side would be
it.  The long-term benefits of the Dark Side have been proved by the Dark Lords
of The Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than
my own meandering cruelty and conquests.  I will dispense this advice now ...

    Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet.

Oh, never mind, you will never understand the power and the beauty of your
planet until after the Empire has destroyed it in a futile attempt to find
a Rebel Base.  But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at photos of
your home and recall, in a way you can't grasp now, how blissfully ignorant
you were, and how fabulous your planet really looked before it was a pile of
burning space rubble.  Your planet is not as dull as you imagine.

Don't worry about the Rebellion - or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a landspeeder.  The real troubles
in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your twisted mind.  The
kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor core at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.

Do in one Death Star officer every day.

    Scheme.

Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who
disobey yours.

    Hate.

Don't waste your time on Stormtroopers.  They can't hit the side of a barn.

The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself.  And your idiot
son.  Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whinings of your
bratty upstart farmboy of a son.  If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old lightsaber, but change your costume slightly with every sequel.

    Destroy.

Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side.

The most interesting people I know didn't have any respect at 22 for their
victim's lives.  Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know still don't.

Have plenty of minions.

Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.  Maybe your son will join you, maybe he
won't.  Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark Jedi and assist you
in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe she'll become a rebel leader
and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder.  Whatever you do, don't congratulate
yourself too much, or berate yourself either.  Your destiny is guided by the
Force.  So is everybody else's.

Enjoy the Force.  Exploit it every way you can.  Don't be afraid of it or what
other people think of your "sorcerer's ways."  The ability to destroy a planet
is insignificant next to its power.

Kill.  Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra.

Listen to what the Emperor has foreseen even if you don't follow his prophecies.

Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly.  And vulnerable.

Get to know your parents.  You'll never know when they'll turn out to be your
arch enemies.  Be nice to your siblings.  They are your best link to your Jedi
lineage and the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future.  Understand that
lackeys come and go.  But with a precious few, you should keep from crushing
their tracheas.  Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle,
for as the more desperate you become, the more you will need to send bounty
hunters to do your dirty work for you.

Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot.  Live on Tattooine
once, but leave before you get heat stroke.  Travel.  Preferably in your own
custom TIE Fighter.

Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial Senate
will have to be disbanded, you too will get old.  And when you do, you'll
fantasise that when you were young, rebels were easily crushed, the Imperial
Senate was subservient, and citizens respected their Emperor.

Respect your Emperor.  Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with you.  Maybe
he'll give in to his anger, maybe he'll strike you down, but you'll never know
when he'll whine pleadingly and you'll find yourself turning to the Light Side
and saving his sorry butt.  Don't strike down your old Jedi Master, or he will
become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.  Be careful whose advice
you buy, but be patient with those who supply it, or I'll crush your throat.
Advice is a form of nostalgia.  Dispensing it is a way of fishing your humanity
from the depths of sin, wiping it off, putting black body armour over the ugly
parts and redeeming it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the Dark Side.
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[ End Friday humour ]





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