Friday humour - April 20, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

   Yo to all the Humourites 150+ strong ... Happy ANZAC day to all the Aussies
   on the list.  The Mars Bar award this week goes to our recent contributor -
   and lifelong friend David Allnutt - for his submission re the twelve Monks ...
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   First this week one from Di Elders ...

                               MARITAL BLISS

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a
short time period. Because the mother was a bit worried about how their
sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard
from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.  The card
said nothing but "Nescafe."

The mother was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out
the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." The mother blushed,
but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the
card read: "Benson & Hedges". The mother now knew to go straight to her
husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra
Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for
her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. The mother waited for a
week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing.

Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky
handwriting were the words "British Airways."  The mother took out her latest
Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and
finally found the ad for BA.

The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

The mother fainted.
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     Next one's from our Northerly list (QCAT):

             BILL GATES THEORY ON THE YOUNGER GENERATION

This should be pasted to the ceiling of every kids bedroom and in most of
the parents' as well.Whether you like Bill Gates or not...this is pretty
cool. Here's some advice he recently dished out at a high school speech
about 11 things they did not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good,
politically correct teaching has created a full generation of kids with
no concept of reality and how this concept sets them up for failure in the
real world.

RULE 1 Life is not fair - get used to it.

RULE 2 The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect
you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

RULE 3 You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high
school.  You won't be a vice-president with a car phone, until you earn
both.

RULE 4 If you think your teacher is tough; wait till you get a boss.  He
doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5 Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had
a different word for burger flipping - they called it Opportunity.

RULE 6 If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about
your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7 Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are
now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and
listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain
forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the
closet in your own room.

RULE 8 Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life
has not.  In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll
give you as many times as you want to get the right answer.  This doesn't
bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9 Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and
very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on
your own time.

RULE 10 Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to
leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11 Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
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           Some pics for the graphically inclined ...

16th Century Walkman: Click here

Soft Porn Bunny: Click here

The single guy: Click here

A woman's worst nightmare: Click here

And from Rusell over at Bushells' Tea House - "Top Aussies": Click here

(This will only work if good old Steve Harding has shoved it on his thing -
which he just has assured me he has - but Russell - we'd like something a
bit more "special" next time!)
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          Now for something from Nestor Zaluzec (near Chicago):

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by
writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "GoofyMickeyMinniePluto" and so I
asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they said it had to have at least four
characters."
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"Replies from  An Invitation To A Scientists' Ball"

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Volta was electrified, and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.

Ampere was worried he wasn't up to current research.

Ohm resisted the idea at first.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.

Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

Dr Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."

Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.

Hertz said he planned the future to attend with greater frequency.

Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.

Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his
schedule.

Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.

Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.

Descartes said he'd think about it.

Newton was moved to attend.

Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
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         Next contribution's from our old westerly-type list:

                          ALLIGATOR SHOES

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair
of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay
the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated
with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of
shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and
catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching
herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young
woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he
sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim,
kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp
bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper
watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out:

"Damn it, this one's not wearing shoes either !"
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             Here's an oldie and a quickie from Mad Mick in the UK:
                           -------------------

A guy comes up to a woman at the office and he tells her that her hair
smells nice. The woman immediately goes to her supervisor to file a sexual
harassment suit. The supervisor says, "What's wrong with someone telling
you that your hair smells nice"? The woman replies, "he's a midget".
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             This is from DavidA over at Highett
                         --------------------

Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough
pub, when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at
the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chris: -" I reckon he's an accountant".

James: -"No way!! - he's a stockbroker".

Chris: - "He ain't no stockbroker! A stock broker wouldn't come in here!"

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet
he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several
beers get the better of the builder ...

Chris: - "Scuse me .... no offence meant, but me and me mate was wondering
what you do for a living?"

Suit: - "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!"

Chris: -""Oh!  What is that then?"

Suit: - "I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?"

Chris: - "Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!"

Suit: - "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?"

Chris: - "It's in a pond!"

Suit: - "Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
then?"

Chris: - "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!"

Suit: - "Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
large garden, then you have a large house?"

Chris: - "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ...  built it meself!"

Suit: - "Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married?"

Chris: - "Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"

Suit: - "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?"

Chris:- "Yep! Four nights a week!"

Suit: - "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very
often?"

Chris: - "Me? Never!"

Suit: - "Well there you are! That's logical science at work!"

Chris: - "How's that then?"

Suit: - "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your
sex life!"

Chris: -" I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate! "

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James: - "I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Chris: - "Yep! .He's a logical scientist!!"

James: - "What's that then?"

Chris: - "I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?"

James: - "Nope."

Chris: - "Well then, you're a wanker."
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This lady approached a priest and told him,

"Father, I have a problem . I have these two talking female parrots, but they
only know how to say one thing . They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes.
Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's Terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will
put them with my two male talking parrots, whom I have taught to pray and
read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that
terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

So the next day, the lady brought her female parrots to the priest's House.
The priest's two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady put her female parrots in with the male parrots. The female Parrots
said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put
the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
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Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up,
nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them.

Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that
anyone who's bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a
state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final
monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to
the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell and all the other
bells began to ring.
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Little Johnny was sitting in his bedroom feeling really depressed. In walked
his dad and asked, "What's up son?"

Johnny replied, "Dad, I really need to get laid. I'm really horny!"

With that the father pulled $100 from his wallet and said, "Here you go son,
go in to town tonight and have a good time."

"Great!" said the boy and off he went.

The next day Little Johnny is in his room feeling good. In walks the old man
again and asks, "How did you do last night?"

Little Johnny answers,"Hey dad, I got laid last night and I've still got the $100."

"Wow, son - how did you manage that?" his father asked with interest.

"Well," said the boy, "I went in to town like you told me and I met grandma
there and told her what I was up to and she took me to her place and fixed
me up."

The fathers jaw dropped and he shouted, "What! You screwed my mother!"

Little Johnny said, "Why not dad? You screw mine!"
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>From Steve [redacted]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in
a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all
the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma
came by and saw her grand-daughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother
that the policemen were here passing out free oranges and she was just
lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and
she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of
the prostitutes.  When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,
"Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear.  I just take my dentures out, rip
the skin back, and suck them dry."
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A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On
their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and
the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still
a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least
one of her husbands would have been able to perform.  He asked his new
bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:

"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage
telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how
it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything
was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old
saying-'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department.  He knew he had the
order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic
process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but
he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that
he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product. he
just wasn't sure how to position it.

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist.  All he ever wanted to do was talk
about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was
look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was
... God I miss him!

So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."

"Why is that," asked the lawyer.

"Well, it should be obvious!  You're a lawyer!!  I just know I'm going to
get screwed this time!
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                     And something else from the Westerly list ...

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end
up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around
his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy
bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top
shelf along the wall.

The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of
teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to
mention this to him. She turns to him ... they kiss ... and then they rip
each others clothes off and make love.

After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in
the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The bloke says,"You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
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                And finally - from Trina ...

A young guy moves to Sydney and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

Well, the manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did
you make today?"

The kid, "One."

The manager, "Just one?  Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"

The kid, "$101,237.64."

The manager, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

The kid, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish
hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing
rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at
the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the
boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said
he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."

The manager, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a boat and truck?!"

The kid, "No no no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife,
and I said, "Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing."

                   End - Friday Humour - Goodbye!

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