Friday humour - April 11, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

[ BTW - early edition this week, being Easter.  Over to Ian ]

Yo Yo and thrice Yo!

Some FH to relieve a bit of the Autumn chill.  Good luck to those North
of the equator enjoying the flowers that bloom in the Spring - Tra La.

And to those in the US of A who have to work on Good Friday - Tough Titties!!
      ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~

        First one this week from Lee over at the Melbourne Uni:

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by rearranging the
letters of another word or phrase.

The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too
much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!)

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore

Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's

A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

And for the grand finale:

It can be arranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once)
           ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

     And a bit of toilet humour from Steve Hardon ... er ... Harding ...

                    The Magic of Toilet Paper

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length
mirror.  This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the
mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror,
now complaining that her breasts are too small.  Uncharacteristically,
the husband comes up with a suggestion.  "If you want your breasts to grow,
then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts
for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands
in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.  "How long will this
take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops and asks, "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs, "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"

The husband lived, and with therapy, might even walk again
         ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~

Strange signs but true:

Sign: Click here

Another sign: Click here

Sign again: Click here

Different sign: Click here

Must be a sign ... Click here

Little John Hopoate in his earlier years: Click here

Private Pinnochio: Click here

Save the Whale: Click here
    ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~

         From David Allnutts from Highett ('scuse the typo) ...

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese
yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.

He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around
and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

Coke: Click here

Freezing: Click here

Single: Click here

Stray bar: Click here

High: Click here

Valentines: Click here

    ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~

      And a wee collection from Nestor - our Illinois correspondent ...

                         "Redneck Honeymoon"

A young couple from the back woods get married and are on their way to
Disney World for their honeymoon. When they get within 20 miles, the man
put his hand on his wife's knee.

She said, "Oh, darling, we're married now ... you can go *further*!"

So he drove to Miami.
                              +++ === +++

                       "I'm Going To The Pub"

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub.
Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity, replies,
"Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

The husband replies, "No. I'm turning off the heat."
                              +++ === +++

                      "Curing the Common Cold"

"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and you'll just
have to live with it until it goes away."

"But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so miserable."

The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling.  Then he said, "Look, go
home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run around the
block three or four times."

"What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"

"We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.
          ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~

          Now one from Maria - other half to Steve ...

                         Imagine if....

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing
or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would
probably advertise more openly.

Nike Condoms: Just do it

Toyota Condoms: Oh What a feeling

Ford Condoms: The ride of your life

Microsoft condoms: Where do you want to go today?

Optus Condoms: Yes!

KFC Condoms: Finger lickin' good

M&M's condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands

Duracell condoms: Keep going and going and going

Pringles condoms: Once you pop you can't stop

Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the spirit

Hyundai condoms: All day, every day

Tip Top condoms: Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)

Panasonic condoms: Even more than you expected

VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now

Swan Lager condoms: They said you'd never make it...

Vegemite condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek - (target gay market)

Levi condoms: Do you fit the legend?

Nescafe condoms: It brings you together

Quicken condoms: Quicken. Easy

British airway condoms: 7 days a week... both ways..

The following brands would probably not sell very well...

AFL Condoms: I'd like to see that

Goodyear condoms: If it only saves you once a year...

Samboy condoms: The flavour really hits you

TAC condoms: Speed kills

Nobby's condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts

Bolle condoms: Put them on your face

Kahlua Condoms: Drink the rhythm

Aussie Homeloan condoms: We'll save you
          ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~

   And finally, three quickies from Magpie McCallum ... [chirp chirp]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily,
a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"

Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"

Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily
dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer
why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one
pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
                              +++ === +++

And then ... there's this dyslexic guy who walks into a bra ...
                              +++ === +++

THINK ABOUT IT: If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that mean
that one enjoys it?
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I usually read FH on the way home on the train (some of us have work to do,
you know) - so for the most part, I've missed the FH pics.

But since I apparently volunteered to help the human icon - Tony -
with putting FH together I have become very interested in this (to me)
new technology.  Here's a big one (could it have been anything else?) from
David Allnutt - ex Port Melbourne Purchasing Officer Extraordinaire now
at the sinking ship which is Highett.  He has recently joined the list and
it's great to have him back on board.

Many thanks to Maria Softoff or Steve Hardon for shoving this on his
digitronics site.  What ever happened to analogue? - which IMO works better
(particularly with AM stereo which Tony and your truly listen to every other
day - anyone wanting to listen to their favourite AM station in stereo just
give me the word - "we" can ensure you can listen to your favourite station
with both ears!) ...

You may need to launch this prior to morning or afternoon tea - but - who
knows? - maybe you won't.

Cool pics (MS Word file): Click here

                       h a p p y    e a s t e r !

      ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  end - fh  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~  ~~~

c:\davo\1104fh.wpd          wpd means WordPerfect (oh for the good old daze)

                          F H   - E X T R A

                  CLASSIFIED. Only in Australia

           Why We Are All Proud To Be Australian Citizens!!

  Only in Australia ...

* Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

* Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

* Do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the
  store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
  at the front.

* Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries ... and a Diet Coke.

* Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counter.

* Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and store
  our junk in the garage.

* Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so
  we wont miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first

* Do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of 6 or 8.

* Do we use the word "politics" to describe the process of Government.

("Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood sucking creatures")

[ End Fri humour ]

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