Friday humour - April 06, 2001

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

       Gidday,
   Really quick one this week - whatever I can throw together in 15 minutes!
   First up, this one from David McCallum - a repeat, but a good one:
                          ---------------------

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and
are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically,
it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and
we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemosabe?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, you dumb arse -
someone's stolen our tent."
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             And from XRD Jonian, this just arrived:
                          ---------------------

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill
each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the
carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going
to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case
you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to
cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat
your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -"Will you *look* at the dirt on the
back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is
finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through
your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw
a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a
million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -"I brought you into this world, and I
can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your
father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
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      And with advance apologies to the Westerly list (who have already
      just seen this posting from Lachlan - currently in NY):

Original web version: Click here

Mar. 26, 2001

Dear soon-to-be broke CEO/CFO/Marketing Executive:

Your help is needed.

If you are reading this, then it has become apparent that your customer base
(the general public who use the Internet) is not as completely stupid as we
had first projected, and saw through our pathetic, desperate pleas to save
ourselves from the fate that any fool could see would eventually claim us.
Fueled by a "Dose of Capitalist Realism," our infinitely expanding yet
profitless brand of the "Internet economy," has spiraled downward into
business reality. If this trend continues, you might soon lose access to your
favourite brokerage account, that new company all-wheel-drive Porsche,
those two twin bi-sexual hookers, or even your financial advisor (ironically,
also a bi-sexual hooker). Imagine your Internet company not increasing its
market capitalization by 30% when you send out a press release with a few
buzzwords generated from the trusty bullshit generator. Imagine being held
accountable for pushing a business plan that saw past the need to actually
generate profits.

But you can help the Net (that we as young and inexperienced executives so
obviously should own) regain its inexplicable claims to high valuation. We
must band together and send the world a loud, clear message that we really
really don't want our stock options to wither and die so far below their
strike price.

That's why we're asking you to demonstrate your dedication to the Internet.
On April 13, join us in "Back the Net Day (Plan B)". Some of the following may
be painful, but being an integral part in serious revultion has never been
successful without some degree of sacrifice. Here's how you can help:

Fuck your employees online. Stroke your ego and save some cash by handing out
some pink slips. Besides that huge tab you've got going with Microsoft and
Oracle, your employee base is your biggest expense. Show investors that you'll
do what it takes to cut costs.

Support the Internet Economy Lifestyle. On April 13, visit your favourite golf
course. Slip the caddy an extra $20 (or if you really want some earnest
enthusiasm, slip him a $50) and tell him to let all the golfers know that your
company is about to turn profitable long before amazon.com. While obviously we
don't mind being less than truthful, this is in fact not a lie because
amazon.com by design will never be profitable (not even on a pro-forma
basis!). As a show of earnestness, give that caddy 10 shares in your company
(don't sweat it, it's at best only another $5). You might even be so bold as
to add that someday, everyone will follow a sock puppet and buy gravel for
their fishtank at a rediculous premium Online at
goddamnilovethisfucking-gravel.net.

Spread the hype Online. On April 13, visit Spam Central Station and send
unsolicited email to your friends and family. You can annoy countless people
with spam email, and even though not a single person in the history of the
Internet has ever opted in for any sort of marketing email, you can send them
with impunity by simply lying and saying that at one time or another all
recipients opted in for your mailing list. You can even add a link where
people can click to remove themselves from the list, when in actuality, you
simply take that email address and sell it to another marketing company as a
verified personal consumer email address who has opted in for every single
email marketing mailing on the planet!

The Internet is very young, and we still believe that most people are
incredibly stupid. Mistakes were made by you not selling your company's shares
at the apex of Internet hype, and as a result this budding industry needs your
support. Your participation will send a signal to Wall Street that we're still
their devoted whores and as their bitches will do whatever it takes to get
them their hype.

Please suspend any lucid thoughts you may have for a few minutes and send this
to 10 people, or as many as you can, and join our crusade to Take Back our
Speculative Bubble! If this doesn't work, we'll have to go to Plan C, "Take
Back the Business Plan." Please oh dear god don't let us have to go to Plan C.

   Sincerely,

       Ringo
       Editor, CEO, & Janitor
       Ringosoft.com
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    Okay - very quick selection of pics.  First up - from Steve
    Harding (these may be slow loading today):

       Find the peach: Click here

    And this little collection (I forget who sent these - QCAT?):

       Click here

       Click here

       Click here

       Click here

       Click here
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     Next up, this one was forwarded by a new FH recipient - David Allnutt
     (who some may remember from Port Melbourne):

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had
sex, the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid.  She figured she would
break him out of the crazy habit.  So one night, while they were in the middle
of doing it, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo.  She gets completely
upset.  "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying
to me all of these years?  You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, ... "I'll explain
the dildo if you explain the kids."
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     And finally for the week - this one from Steve [redacted]:
                          ---------------------

        Doesn't take long before the jokes are out ...

What's the difference between John Hopoate and a Blow Job? One makes your
day and the other makes your hole weak.

Hopoate is nothing but a "Shit Stirrer".

Trinity Grammar have expressed and interest in hiring Hopoate for 6 months,
they think he will fit in well.

Sara Lee have announced a sponsor ship deal with the NRL, they are going to
sell, "Hoppa's Sticky Date Pudding"...

Hoppa is going to star in the new James Bond movie, "Brown Finger".

What's all the fuss, Hopoate is just helping the NRL enter the digital age.

Suspension leaves bad taste in Hopoate's mouth.

Why did Field and McGuiness get 26 weeks for cocaine and ecstasy while
Hopoate only got 12 weeks for crack.

He was only trying to do what any good winger should do. Penetrate the
opposition backline

You put your left finger in, you pull your left finger out, you put your right
finger in and you shake it all about, you do the HOPOATE then you turn around,
that's what it's all about.

Following the revelations by Terry Lamb that what Hopoate did is commonplace
in Rugby League, Matthew Ridge has announced his return to the game.

I think the criticism levelled at Hoppa is totally unfounded; he is being
fingered for a crime he did not commit.

Hoppa's getting a new segment on the footy show, "Hoppa's Up-date"

What's the bet Terry Lamb will tell him to pull his finger out

John Hopoate: Public Enema Number 1

Hoppa...the human thermometer

Hoppa's decision to enter the ring excites Mundine.
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[ End Friday humour ]



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