Friday humour - March 30, 2001

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

Yo, Yo, and thrice Yo!

Todays selections come from "Fifi" McCallum, Woz from Waterford, Chris
from the same patch, the ever-reliable Maria H, and "Mad Mick from
Markwick" - UK resident cousin of our own quietly refined Dr Rand.

Now I must admit this whole compilation has been thrown together in Pine -
which is Tony's preferred mailer.  As a matter of fact it is mine too - I
could say "Me Too 3XY" which may make some sense to Melbourne radio
listeners of the 70s and 80s - when our own 3 X woy - copied every other
successful radio format and finally found itself on the top of the pile
for 10 years.

Nevermind - TonyS - Arthur Cargas - and yours truly - now listen everyday
to Magic 693 in AM stereo!!  And for those who think this is funny
peculiar should check out www.amstereoradio.com.  and get yourself an AM
stereo receiver  - it DOES sound as good as FM stereo - and in most of our
cases AM plays much better music than the shit that permeates both ears on
FM.  Clayton people can try before they buy.  Why not pop in sometime?
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      Church clippings


These are actual clippings from church newspapers. It's amazing what a
little proofreading would provide.

* Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all
the way from Africa.

* Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals."

* Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

* Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

* Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring
your
own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

* The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon
tonight:"Searching for Jesus"

* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help
they can get.

* Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.

* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing "Break Forth into Joy."

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much
about you.

* Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.

* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes,
green
beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person(s) you want remembered.

* Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,
and
gracious hostility.

* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow.

* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.

* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.

* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
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                    WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS

Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that
one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS
before anyone asked if he was feeling okay.

George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York
firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with
23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until
Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during
the weekend.

His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning
and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the
same position all that time and didn't say anything. He was always absorbed
in his work and kept much to himself."

A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after
suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical
textbooks when he died.

You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.

And the moral of the story: Don't work too hard.  Nobody notices anyway.
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       And some graphics from David Allnutt (ex-Port Purchasing Officer
       now resident at Highett) and someone else - who shall remain
       nameless ... for now ...

 Click here

 Click here

    Nice!
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             FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS UNABLE
                   TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK

    Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn't Like -
  Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com)

Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus
Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread
by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the
program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.

"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft
Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive
Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.

The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will
save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have,
quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread
by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By
eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."

However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently
appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been
the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova,"
and "Naked Wife," to name but a few.

Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University:
"It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists,
we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of
established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow."

Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that
Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious
to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns
out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.

Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec
virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study
than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus
spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she
recalled. "Who would've thought?"
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A variation on an old theme, updated for 2001
---------------------------------------------

An unemployed man applies for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager
arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says: "You will be appointed on the scale of
$30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address and I will send you a form to
complete and advise you where to report for work on each day."

Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he neither has a computer
nor of an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies: "Well, then,
that really means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly
expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves.  Not knowing where to turn and only having about
$10 left, he decides to buy a crate of tomatoes at the supermarket. In less
than 2 hours he sells the tomatoes one at a time to passing pedestrians,
reaping 100% profit. He repeats the process several times more that day, he
ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling
tomatoes. Getting up early the next day, and earlier every day after that,
and going to bed late and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in
quite a short time.

Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozenboxes of
tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards for a pick-up
truck. By the end of the second year, he owns of a fleet of pick-up trucks and
manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

He starts to think of his lifestyle, and his future, and decides to buy
some life insurance to protect his wife and children. He calls an insurance
adviser, and chooses an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At
the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail
address in order to forward the documentation.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned.  "What,
you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such
wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you
would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!"

After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied:

"Sure! I would have been a janitor at Microsoft!"

      Moral:
1) The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.

2) If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.

3) Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to
   becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire.

4) If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken to the
   cleaners by Microsoft.
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                           THE SENILITY PRAYER

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?

SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.

TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

THIRTEEN- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in
          the bathroom.

FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to
         play chess?

SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
          go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

NINETEEN- I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU BEFORE OR NOT
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                             IDENTIFICATION

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both were blind
from birth.  One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the
snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the
snake and fell down.

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my,"said the bunny,
"I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth;
so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't
even know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as
yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you
are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all
over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really
long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail.  I'd say that
you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny
suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the
same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and
slimy, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must
be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly part of upper management."
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In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off ...

... oh no  ...

 *** Now Mick! - this format is as good as a chocolate kettle.

Please resend this in plain text format!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



         You are the weakest link.  Goodbye!



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[ End Fri humour ]


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