Friday humour - March 23, 2001

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Most of this weeks textual material arrived back around October 1999 -
    and what were *you* doing around then, hmmm??  Anyway - the contributions
    from around then rolled in from Matthew Greene, Cr Mick Rand, Russell
    Newnham, Warren Jones, Steve [redacted] and David McCallum.

    First up, this series of one-liners was passed on by Matthew (CUB):

Men are like ... coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like ... cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like ... chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like ... copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like ... curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like ... government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like ... high heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like ... horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like ... lawn mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like ... lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like ... laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ... mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like ... noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Men are like ... parking spots.
The good ones are already taken, and the ones that are left are handicapped or
extremely small.

Men are like ... plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like ... popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... place-mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like ... snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he
will last.

Men are like ... used cars.
Easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

Men are like ... holidays.
They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ... weather.
Nothing can be done to change either of them.

       I thought we'd already posted this next one (passed on by Mad Mick
       cousin Rand) but I can't see it in the archives, so here goes:

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led
with gentleness, faith and wisdom.  His passing was grieved by the entire
world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him
in a firm embrace.  "Welcome your holiness!  Your dedication and unselfishness
in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in
heaven.  You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free
access to all pants of heaven.  You are also granted an open door policy and
may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father
without prior appointment.  Is there anything which your holiness desires?"

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered on some of the mysteries
which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages.  Are there
perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God
and the prophets of old?  I would love to see what was actually said, without
dimming of memories over time."

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained
how to retrieve the various documents.  The Pope was thrilled and settled down
to review the history of man's relationship with God.

Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library.
Immediately, several of the Saints and angels came running to the Pope's side
to learn the cause of his dismay.

There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on the parchment and
repeating over and over "It's the letter R, it's an 'R'."

"Arrgghhh!  The word was celebrate, *not* celibate ..."

              Oh - Mick also forwarded this little collection:

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Youth and skill are no match for Experience and treachery.

Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

No evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you are an idiot.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

     Now to some more male knocks, this time forwarded on by that novel
     man of batteries and wheeled skis from over at Bushells Tea House -
     one Russell Newnham:

Q:  Why do men become smarter during sex?
A:  Because they're plugged into a genius.

Q:  Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A:  Because they don't have time.

Q:  Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise 1 egg?
A:  Because they won't stop to ask for directions.

Q:  Why did God put men on earth?
A:  Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Q:  Why don't women have a men's brains?
A:  Because they don't have penises to put them in.

Q:  What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A:  They're intended for children, but men usually end up playing with them.

Q:  Why do men snore when they sleep on their backs?
A:  Because their balls fall over their arseholes and they vapour lock.

Q:  Why do men masturbate?
A:  It's sex with someone they love.

Q:  Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A:  So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q : Why did God make men before women?
A:  You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Q:  Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A:  So he can tell if he's coming or going.

Q:  How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A:  Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

       The next contribution was lifted of our westerly-type list:

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in
the forest and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red
Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; he'll
lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your
little red socks off."  But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and
said, "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered."

So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little
pigs.  One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out
tonight Little Red Riding Hood!  The big bad wolf's out and you know what
he'll do if he catches you.  He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down
your little red pants, and fuck your little red socks off."

But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry
boys.  Got it covered!"

As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he
said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because
you know what I'm going to do?  I'm a gonna to lift up your little red dress,
pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."

So Little Red Riding Hood lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her
little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the
shotgun at him, and said ...

"NO!  You're going to eat me like the book says."

      Okay - now to the pictorial stuff.  With Davo (CSIRO) now compiling
      FH for much of time as well (he has access to the jokes tray now,
      and also to the pics cupboard on bluehaze to make this fairly easy),
      there are images turning up that I hadn't seen before ... such as:

    On top: Click here

      This one was passed on by Steve [redacted], and by David M (Telstra):

    Employment wanted: Click here

      Steve Harding passed this next one on (and being a large file, he's
      put it up on Digitronics for us) - needs PowerPoint or StarOffice:

    IQ test: Click here

      A few more from Steve [redacted]:

    Birth control: Click here
    Hard work, cricket: Click here
        or if you want a copy of the (larger) original, click on
    The 1736x1240 original: Click here
    Office calisthenics: Click here

      And finally - this one from the QCAT mailout:

    Baby Moses: Click here

       Enough pics - here's a couple more bits from our westerly-type list.
       Firstly, this collection of quotable quotes (via Woz) ...

"Results!  Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results.  I know several thousand
things that won't work."

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls,
and looks like work."

"Show me a thoroughly satisfied man, and I will show you a failure."

   (All of the above are by Thomas Edison)

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a
little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian."
  --Dennis Wholey

"Modern man thinks he loses something, time, when he does not do things
quickly.  Yet he does not know what to do with the time he gains, except
kill it."
  --Erich Fromm

"On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite
all the time."
   --George Orwell

"Who controls the past controls the future.  Who controls the present controls
the past."
  --George Orwell

"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting
where you heard it."
  --Laurence J. Peter

"The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one."

"The illegal we do immediately.  The unconstitutional takes a little longer."
  --Henry Kissinger

"Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture
available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want.
The most terrifying thing is what people do want."
  --Clive Barnes

"I argue very well.  Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can win an argument
on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and steer clear of me
at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite
  --Dave Barry

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham
breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'."

"We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it."
   --Dwight D. Eisenhower

    ... and the other one that was courtesy of our old westerly list ...

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid".  That
way you wouldn't rely on them, would you?  You wouldn't ask them anything.
It would be like, "Excuse me ... oops, never mind.  I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California.  Our house was
full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.  My friend comes
over and says, "Hey, you moving?"
"Nope.  We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes
it takes.  Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago, I went fishing with a buddy of mine.  We pulled his
boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass, and this idiot
on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope.  Talked 'em into giving up.  Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.  There
was a guy inventing a shark bite suit.  And there's only one way to test it.
"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good ... they want you to
jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite."
"Well, alright, but hold my sign.  I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tyre, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-
road gas stations.  The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me,
and I SWEAR he said, "Tyre go flat?" I couldn't resist.
I said, "Nope.  I was driving around and those other three just swelled right
up on me.  And here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago.  A guy came over to the house
and drove the car around for about 45 minutes.  We get back to the house, he
gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn
that's hot!"
See?  Now if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

          This next little story's courtesy of Steve [redacted] ...

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and
as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided
a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white
gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the
gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.  Without checking the contents
first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with
this note:


I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any
when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for your sister, I would
have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are
easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair
she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled.  I
had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other
hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as
they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.  I hope
you will wear them for me on Friday night.

   All my Love,


P.S: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

     And to our short penultimate offering now - from David McCallum.
     I thought we'd already had this one too, but a search through the
     FH archive didn't reveal it, so dot dot dot colon newline dash dash

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.  He stepped out
for a smoke, only to realise he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room under the carpet there was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to
himself.  He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him
his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now" she said, "... if only I could find my parakeet."

       And to wind up the week, yet another Steve [redacted] offering:

                           DRIVE-THRU CASH MACHINES

Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-thru" cash point machines,
customers will now be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

To enable users to use this new facility. the following procedures have been
drawn up.  Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances
and apply them when you use the machine for the first time:


1.  Drive up to the cash machine.

2.  Wind down your car window.

3.  Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4.  Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5.  Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6.  Wind up window.

7.  Drive away.


1.  Drive up to cash machine.

2.  Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.

3.  Re-start the stalled engine.

4.  Wind down the window.

5.  Find handbag, remove all the contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

6.  Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror.

7.  Attempt to insert card into machine.

8.  Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
    distance from the car.

9.  Insert card.

10. Insert card the right way up.

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back

12. Enter PIN.

13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

14. Enter amount of cash required.

15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror.

16. Retrieve cash and receipt.

17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

18. Place receipt in back of cheque book.

19. Re-check make-up again.

20. Drive forward 2 metres.

21. Reverse back to cash machine.

22. Retrieve card.

23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot

24. Re-check make-up.

25. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

26. Drive for 3 to 4 miles.

27. Release handbrake.
[ End Friday humour ]

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