Friday humour - March 15, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

Yo!  Friday Humour and this list belong to all of us.  Tony has done such
a great job with it for many years and we all appreciate His efforts.

I certainly won't be able to fill Tony's shoes - they are far too big.
But like most things at Minerals I'll give it a bash as "apparently" I
volunteered.  :)

But ANYONE - yes even you! - can post to this list at anytime.  So between
now and next Friday the best joke posted on this list (judged by Solo - a
former Divisional worker and resident good guy) will win the inaugural
Mars Bar award.  And your entries can simply be drawing attention to funny
web sites - or something funny on a web site.

For now - an assorted assortment of assorted assortments ...

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 ... firstly from Maria Harding ...



If Earth's population was shrunk into a village of just 100 people --
with all the human ratios existing in the world still remaining -- what
would this tiny, diverse village look like?

That's exactly what Phillip M. Harter, a medical doctor at the Stanford
University School of Medicine, attempted to figure out. This is what he
found........

 57 would be Asian
 21 would be European
 14 would be from the Western Hemisphere
  8 would be African

 52 would be female
 48 would be male

 70 would be nonwhite
 30 would be white

 70 would be non-Christian
 30 would be Christian

 89 would be heterosexual
 11 would be homosexual

  6 people would possess 59 percent of the entire world's wealth, and all
    6 would be from the United States.

 80 would live in substandard housing

 70 would be unable to read

 50 would suffer from malnutrition

  1 would be near death

  1 would be pregnant

  1 would have a college education

  1 would own a computer

The following is an anonymous interpretation:

Think of it this way. If you live in a good home, have plenty to eat and
can read, you are a member of a very select group.

And if you have a good house, food, can read and have a computer, you are
among the very elite.

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness. you are more
fortunate than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of
imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation. you are
ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest,
torture, or death. you are fortunate, more than three billion people in
the world can't.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof
overhead and a place to sleep. you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish
someplace. you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married. you are very rare,
even in the United States.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly
thankful. You are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.

If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the
shoulder. you are blessed because you can offer healing touch.

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that
someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than
over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.

Count your blessings.


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And for those dog lovers amongst us the lookalikes ...


 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


And an artist's impression of Melbourne's Burley Tunnel in a few weeks
time ...

 Click here


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And from Steve [redacted] ...


Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge one day in his ute when he
sees his girlfriend Sheila just about to throw herself off the bridge into
the water far below.

Bruce slams on the brakes & shouts, "G'day Sheila!  What the hell do you
think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce - You
got me pregnant & so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this & says "Sheila, not
only are you a great root, but you're a real sport."


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And again, from Maria ...



A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week,
so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look,
it's not the same hat! Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey,
why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
captain's parrot.  Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a
piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the
parrot. They stared malevolently at each other but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and then another and then another ...

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could restrain itself no longer:
"OK, I give up. Where's the flaming ship?"


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And from Steve Harding ...


A woman with a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told to go into
a room and wait for the doctor.

After arriving, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he
breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist" the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed
examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby
is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came."



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>From the infamous list out West ...



A Kiwi, Aussie & South African in a bar one night having a beer.  All of a
sudden the South African drinks his beer throws his glass in the air,
pulls out a gun shoots the glass to pieces and says "In Sath Afrika our
glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from same one twice".

The Kiwi obviously impressed by this (simple thing...) drinks his beer,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to
pieces and says "Well mate, in Nuu Zulund we have so much sand to make the
glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either".

The Aussie, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and
the Kiwi and says "In Australia we have so many South Africans and Kiwis
that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice".


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Finally from Olivine Madsen ...



A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told there was
a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in
the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was
so high that the preacher settled on a donkey instead.

The preacher figured, since he bought the animal, he might as well race
it.  To his great surprise, the donkey did quite well and came in third
place. The next day, the racing sheets carried this headline: Preacher
Shows Ass

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
races again, and this time the animal won first place. The paper said:
Preacher's Ass Out In Front

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper printed
this headline: Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass.

This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of
the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nun in a local
convent. The next day, the headlines read: Nun Has Best Ass In Town

The Bishop fainted. When he came around, he informed the nun that she
would have to dispose of the donkey. The nun searched, finally finding a
farmer willing to buy the animal for ten dollars. The paper stated: Nun
Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks!



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                                                                       qed


[ End Fri humour ]


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