Friday humour - March 09, 2001

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

Yo!  TGIF - and a few quickies on which to end the week ...

And without Tony's expertise may I apologise in advance for any unexpected
word-wrapping.  My initial suggestion is for you all to alter your screen
font to 6 pointsize and then read through a telescope.

I'm sure Pauline Hanson would have wrapped this lot up much better - given
all her experience with chish and fips.

No graphics this week either ... but Rome wasn't worth two birds in the

Fistly a couple from Maria ...

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There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola
whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year
Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully
they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their
Senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood
early in college and upon graduation became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally
acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all
respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and
finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic
world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either
Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
In less time than anyone had expected, smoke rose from the chimney
and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world,
Catholic, Protestant and secular was surprised to learn that
Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio was beyond surprise,
he was devastated, because even with all Timothy's gifts, Antonio
knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the
Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which
he candidly asked, "Why Timothy"?

After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered
Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two,
but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the
Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

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One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th
hole. He tees up and cranks it into the woods on the side of the
fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy
this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little

Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and
square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man
says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too
badly," and walks away.  Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says
"Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do
something for him.
I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited
money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same
golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and
hits one into the
same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he
sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says,
"I'm fine, and might I ask how's your golf game?" The golfer says, "It's
great!  I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the

"And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you
mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred
pound note" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for
you. And might I ask how is your sex life?" Now the golfer looks at him a
little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." Floored the
leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for
a Catholic priest in a small parish."

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The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which body part increases
10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered for a long time till little Mary stood up, angry, and said
the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. She was
going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal who would fire the

The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10 times
its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.

The teacher said "very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and said, "As for
you, young lady, I have three things to say:

1) you have a dirty mind,
2) you didn't read your homework, and
3) one day you will be very, very disappointed."

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... and from the infamous group out west ...

                 Literary genius

The winner of this year's Bulwer Lytton Contest (held
by the English Department of San Jose State University
[California]), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad
novel, is:

"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept
along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through
the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at
throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated,
sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude
of the frog's deception, screaming madly, `You lied!'"

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                        Private Bits

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your
vehicle...especially in public.  From the Sydney Morning Herald
Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove
their car to K-Mart, only to have their car break down in the
parking lot.  The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping
while he fixed the car there in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
under the car.  Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into
place.  On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

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And finally some forwarded from Doug Knight ...

A couple is having an argument. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm
getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter ethodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and
asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine
cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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                  Benefits of growing older

 1. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
 2. People call at 9 P.M. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
 3. You can eat dinner at 4:00 PM.
 4. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
 5. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
 6. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.
 7. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the
 8. You sing along with the elevator music.
 9. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
10. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
    them either.
11. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

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A Victorian dies and is sent to hell (as he deserves) and when the devil
sees this bloke wearing his footy club scarf, he decides to make him pay.
So he puts the Victorian in a chamber filled with rocks and tells him to
start breaking them. The devil puts the temperature up so high the rocks
are almost melting and wanders off to go inflict hell on someone else.

A few days later he comes back and looks in the chamber. Here is the Victorian
whistling as he works, happily smashing rocks with a hammer, and mopping his
brow with the scarf. The devil is furious and storms in. "What do you think
you are doing!" he yells at the Victorian.  He replied "Ah, it reminds me
of a hot summers day when the northerlies are blowing, and I am out fixing
the road". The devil storms off and decided to get dirty, he stops the heat
in the chamber, and turns on the water. It is thumping down rain, blowing
a gale and smells like a swamp.  The devil is happy and wanders off.

A few days later he checks in again, and the Victorian is pushing his
wheelbarrow full of broken rocks through the mud and floods, but he is
still whistling while he works, and wearing the scarf over his head to keep
the rain out of his eyes. The devil storms in again and yells "What do you
think you are doing!". The Victorian replied "Ah, this reminds me of August
on the farm, the southerlies are blowing, the rain is beating down and I am
clearing the fields ready for spring planting."  The devil again is furious
and storms out of the chamber. He decides to finish off the Victorian for
good this time and turns the thermostat all the way down.

He comes by the chamber several weeks later and is stunned. The chamber is
completely filled with ice, but here is the Victorian skipping around,
dancing a jig and positively radiant. He has icicles hanging from his nose
but he is still smiling. His lips are frozen but he is still
trying to whistle, and he is now waving the scarf above his head. The
devil marches in and says "What the hell is going on here ? Don't you
realise it is 40 below  ?" The Victorian responds gleefully "Yeah isn't it
great. Hell's frozen over, so that means Collingwood has finally won the

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[ End Fri humour ]

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