Friday humour - March 02, 2001

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Yo,
     One or two people seem to be suffering from withdrawal symptoms since FH
     was suspended back in December, so I've been wondering what could be
     done to keep something happening.  And I may have managed to talk Davo
     (CSIRO) into continuing it.  Mind you, negotiations are still proceeding
     and things are still at a delicate stage, but it is looking promising.

     I'll probably still fill in every now and then when Davo can't make it,
     so one way or another, we should get some good quality stuff happening
     again each week.  (Err ... did he say "again", ma?)
                                #    #    #    #


     Anyway, here's a few contributions from the (still bloated) in-tray to
     start the ball rolling again.  Starting with one from Maria the Harding:
                               -------------------

                               UNIVERSAL CONSTANTS

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter:
----> Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup:
----> Won ton

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
----> 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God:
----> 1 billigram

Half of a large intestine:
----> 1 semicolon

1000 aches:
----> 1 kilohurtz

The Basic unit of laryngitis:
 ----> 1 hoarsepower

1 million microphones:
----> 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds:
----> two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

52 cards:
----> 1 decacards

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital:
----> 1 I.V. League
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And still on the subject of universal constants, here's a recent one
       from Lachlan (who's just about to leave Oz once again ... this time
       bound for the U.S. for the next 7 or 8 months ...)
                               -------------------

    Kelvin is Lord!:

    ALL PRAISE THE LORD KELVIN!

    Only The One, True Lord KELVIN Can Conserve You From Entropy!

    Click here

"Only The One, True Lord KELVIN Can Conserve You From Entropy!  Because the
Lord Kelvin gave us the gift of the Knowledge of the Absolute Temperature,
we honor His wisdom and the beauty of His creation by measuring Temperature in
Kelvins.  Do not use the hurtful and deceitful Celsius and Fahrenheit scales!
They are the tools of Relativists and other sad, twisted haters of the Lord
Kelvin.  And remember: never say "degrees Kelvin", just say "Kelvins", as in
"273.16 Kelvins".  Every time you do, you bring a smile to His face."

"Law The Third: A Pure Crystal's Entropy Is Zero At Zero Kelvins The Purest
Crystal of them all is The Lord Kelvin himself!  The Lord Kelvin is without
Entropy.  Furthermore, since Absolute Zero is unattainable via a finite series
of processes, it follows that the Lord Kelvin is Infinite!  This implies that
His powers are also Infinite, meaning that the Lord Kelvin can transcend His
own Law The Second and Conserve you from Entropy!"
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And then, there came this piece from the humour list up at QCAT, QLD:
                               -------------------

Hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
   --Helen Hayes (at 73)

Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"?  Every time I hear it, I think -I'm
supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
   --Jan King

A few weeks after my [breast cancer] surgery, I went out to play catch with
my golden retriever.  When bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell
out.  The dog grabbed it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling
"Hey, come back here with my breast! "
   -- Linda Ellerbee

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
   --Lily Tomlin

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman?
It's plucking your eyebrows.  That's how I originally got pierced ears.
   --Geri Jewell

A male gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
   --Carrie Snow

Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
   --Laurie Kuslansky

My second favourite household chore is ironing.  My first being hitting my
head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
   --Erma Bombeck

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
   --Bette Davis

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.  A woman must do what he can't.
   --Rhonda Hansome

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
   --Jane Sellman

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
   --Jennifer Unlimited

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
as good.  Luckily, this is not difficult.
   --Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts
falling apart.
   --Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
   --Jennifer Unlimited

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible
warning.
   --Catherine Aird

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years
before they realised I actually had a hearing loss ... and they called ME
slow!
   --Kathy Buckley

Behind every successful woman ... is a substantial amount of coffee.
   --Stephanie Piro

Behind every successful woman ... is a basket of dirty laundry.
   -- Sally Forth
                              #--#--#--#--#--#


                   Top Ten Things Only Women Understand


10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9.  The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8.  Crying can be fun.

7.  FAT CLOTHES.

6.  A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5.  Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a
    peak life experience.

4.  The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3.  A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to
    impossible.

2.  Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

   AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1.  OTHER WOMEN!

  [ Don't worry, there's a male-knock further down - Ed.]
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Then there was this one recently forwarded on by XRD-Jonian:
                               -------------------

                   A Moving Story Of Inspiration For Us All

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the
morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls
over.  Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.  He opens the door and
there is man standing at the door.  It didn't take the home-owner long to
realise the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost.  It's half past three.  I was in bed," says the man and slams the
door.  He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.  Remember that night we broke down in
the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and
you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again?  What would
have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be
the Christian thing to help him."  So the husband gets out of bed again,
gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts,
"Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Okay - time for some pics.  This first group were passed on by
        the Captain (Ron) - they were in a PowerPoint file, but I've
        pulled them out into JPEGs for you.  (The only problem is that
        I didn't think to send them over to Steve Harding in time, so
        they may be a bit slow loading):
                               -------------------

      Error: Click here

      Yow-eeeh! Click here

      No competition: Click here

      Ulp (PGR-rated): Click here

      Tattoo: Click here

      Happy Airlines: Click here

      Sheep (X-rated): Click here

        This next one (passed on by David over at Telstra) isn't supposed
        to be a joke - merely interesting:

      Customs form: Click here

        And the final pic - something else from QCAT:

      It's a long way: Click here
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Back to the ACSII stuff now, and this quickie from Steve Harding:
                               -------------------

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II.
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola,
skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base.
All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to
an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese
Zeroes.  Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and
shot them all down, too.  Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended,
circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.  He threw
back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.  Saluting smartly
he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant
mistake!"
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Now here's one from our infamous Westerly list.  And since FH is now
       bouncing back over onto that list, many of its recipients will have
       already seen this.

       Although the story is about the U.S., it has strong relevance to us
       here in Victoria (Oz) because we seemed to have had some highly
       publicised so-called police "shootings" over the past 10-15 years.
       (So highly publicised, in fact, that Victorian Police morale has never
       been lower, I've been told ... but that's another story):
                               -------------------

                                 POLICE SHOOTINGS

Recently, in an area on the US East Coast, an inordinate number of police-
officer-involved shootings have taken place.  As a result, several suspects
have been fatally injured.  Newspapers in the area, quoting local "community
activists," have editorialised that, with all these shootings by police,
"any citizen" could find himself dodging police bullets, for no apparent
reason at all!

Responding to the newspaper editorial, a Los Angeles Deputy District Attorney,
who is obviously community minded, submitted a five-point plan.  The plan is
designed to assist citizens, who might otherwise be randomly shot by police,
in staying out of the path of police bullets.  The newspaper never printed it,
but I thought you might appreciate it, even if they didn't.  "I've devised a
five-point plan to help citizens avoid being shot by police.  This plan may
not prevent all shootings, but very few will take place when the plan is
rigorously adhered to.

  So, here are the rules:

1.  DON'T COMMIT VIOLENT CRIMES.  It seems elementary, but this rule is lost
on many.  They do the crime, get shot, and then wonder how it could possibly
happen.  They whine that it is so unfair.  Well, Slick, violent crime,
like jumping in front of moving cars, is just a high-risk occupation, and,
in case you missed it, committing violent crime makes police officers think
you might not be a good person.

2.  If you ignore rule No. 1, and the police confront you, DON'T RUN AWAY FROM
THEM.  I know it's hard to believe, but that may make them think you're guilty
of something.  Hiding in bushes or closets makes some cops (mostly older ones)
very nervous.  They might even foolishly conclude that you're up to no good!

3.  If you disregard rules 1 and 2, and the cops catch up with you anyway and
inform you that you are under arrest, DON'T MAKE FAST MOVEMENTS WITH YOUR HANDS.
I know it sounds silly, but grabbing a shiny beer can, a dark-coloured wallet,
or one of those snazzy and real-looking replica guns may make police officers
mistakenly believe that you are about to hurt them.

4.  If you disregard rules 1, 2, and 3, and manage to get what looks like
a deadly weapon into your hands, DON'T POINT IT AT THE COPS.  We all know
that you're basically a nice person, but that may be lost on the police
officers confronting you.  In their paranoia, they may even believe they need
to protect themselves.

5.  If you disregard rules 1, 2, 3 and 4, DON'T BE ASTONISHED IF THE COPS DO
NOT INSTANTLY TURN INTO YOUR PERSONAL CONFIDANTE.  They may be too preoccupied
to realise that you're normally a splendid person and that you're just having
a bad day.  They may be too preoccupied to see that when you point a weapon
at them in a threatening manner, it is just your way of crying out for help.
We both know that the whole problem can be traced to the fact that your
mother didn't breast feed you, but some police officers are so cynical they
just don't see it.

So, there you have it.  If you really apply yourself and obey even some of
the rules listed above, I bet you'll avoid the vast majority of police
gunfire."

   Cheri Lewis
   Deputy DA
   Los Angeles, California
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


        This next one was another contribution from Jonian (sent down
        from Katherina in Sydney):
                               -------------------

         BEDTIME PRAYER (for women)

     Now I lay me down to sleep,
     I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
     One who's handsome, smart and strong,
     and not afraid to admit when he's wrong.

     One who thinks before he speaks.
     When he promises to call, he doesn't wait 6 weeks.
     I pray that he is gainfully employed,
     won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.

     Pulls out my chair & opens my door,
     massages my back & begs to do more.

     Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind -
     Knows just what to say when I ask "How fat is my behind?"
     One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
     and brings me a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen!

     I pray that this man will love me to no end,
     And would never compare me with my best girlfriend.
     Thank You in advance - and now I'll just wait,
     for I know when You'll find him, it will be too late.

           Amen
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


          And finally for the week - this one, forwarded on by David (Fifi)
          McCallum:
                               -------------------

                                 QUOTABLE QUOTES

"That mail used to be handled by hand, now it's handled manually."
    - Chief Executive of An Post, John Hines.

"The referendum went as most people hoped it would"
    - Irish Times editorial displaying acute understanding of the Democratic
      Process.

"Clap your feet!" - Bernie of the Nolan Sisters.

"The idea is well and good in theory, but tell me this, who is going to
feed them?"
    - Wicklow Councillor objects to a proposal to boost tourism by
      putting gondolas on Blessington Lakes. (When questioned, it seems that he
      was confusing gondolas with flamingos).

"We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in our beds"
    - Rev. Ian Paisley.

"If you're a fifty pence piece in a pile of ten pence pieces, you have to
shine so much brighter in order to be noticed"
    - Bono of U2.

"What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the consumer"
    - Aer Lingus spokesman.

"Deep down I'm a very shallow person" - Charles Haughey.

"I can hold a note and I know I'm not ugly so, in ways, that's enough"
    - Keith Duffy of Boyzone.

Larry Gogan: "With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?"
Contestant:  "Hamlet?"

Larry Gogan: "Name the BBC's Grand Prix commentator?  I'll give you a hint,
              ... it's something you suck."
Contestant:  "Ah! Dickie Davies"
(Murray Walker is the correct answer - Murrays are a brand of mint)

Larry Gogan: "What was Hitler's first name ?"
Contestant:  "Heil!"

Larry Gogan: "Complete the following: "As happy as ...
              I'll give you a hint ... think of me!"
Contestant: ' ... a pig in shit?"

Larry Gogan: "Where is the Taj Mahal?"
Contestant:  "Across the road from the Dental Hospital?"

Larry Gogan: "What do you call a female cow?"

Government Job Application Form:
             'Do you support the overthrow of the Government by force,
              subversion or violence?'
Applicant:   'Violence'

VIOLENCE DELAYS PEACE - LENIHAN - Irish Times

CONCERNED RAPIST WORE A CONDOM - Evening Herald

SHARING THE BURDEN OF SCHIZOPHRENIA - Irish Times

DOG SHOOTS MAN - Evening Press

RAPIST: I THOUGHT SHE WAS MY WIFE - Star

DEAD MAN INJURED IN CRASH - Irish Times
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[ End Friday humour ]




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