Friday humour - December 15, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

     This'll probably be the 2nd-last Friday humour for the year (and
     technically speaking for the millennium :-)  And I'll be away for
     most of January (although with luck, Davo may post one or two).
     If you really need a fix, of course, you can go to the FH archive
     Click here and browse through one of the earlier ones that you missed.

     A real mixture of stuff this week, and some interesting images/movies
     but first up - a tricky puzzle from Cr Mad Mick over in Blair land
     (otherwise known as the UK in case someone comes across this posting in
     20 years :-)   Answer is at the end:


How quickly can you find out what is unusual about this paragraph?  It looks
so ordinary that you would think that nothing was wrong with it at all and,
in fact, nothing is.  But it is unusual.  Why?  If you study it and think about
it you may find out, but I am not going to assist you in any way.  You must
do it without coaching.  No doubt, if you work at it for long, it will dawn
on you.  Who knows?  Go to work and try your skill.

     Time for our irregular Microsoft bash.  This first one is really only
     humorous if you have a death wish.  Passed on by David (Telstra, in
     Melbourne, Oz):

                        NAVY CARRIER TO RUN WIN 2000

The Navy's next-generation aircraft carrier will use Microsoft Windows 2000
to run its communications systems, aircraft and weapons launchers, and other
ship electronics.

See Click here

    My comment back to David on seeing this was "Surely a joke?  I can't really
    believe that the US DOD would be _that_ stupid?"
    David's return comment:

This is not a joke.  One of their earlier destroyers had to be towed home
on its maiden voyage when it ran aground after its NT based primary control
system failed irrecoverably (ctl-alt-del failed to recover).

Blind faith is a wonderful thing.  Sometimes I envy them.

    [ Well, first it's George Bush for president, and now this.
      Be afraid ... be _very_ afraid ... ]

       Then there was this one, passed on by John Stevens here at Claytown:

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to
his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court.  Bill
Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into
a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here.
I've been treated really well.  I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a
beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and
three Rolls Royce's."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find

Cornering St. Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying,
"How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars,
a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic?  I invented the
Windows operating system!  Why does he deserve so much more?!"

"Because" replied St. Peter, "the Titanic only crashed once."

                  Lachlan passed on this link recently:

I am probably several weeks behind compared to all of you but just in case
you missed it and are Tomb Raider fans:

                       "Bigger tits for Lara Croft"

see Click here

           And this one was forwarded on by Ron K back in October:

             (or "TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION" department)

A man comes into the emergency room and yells "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!"

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began
to take off her underwear.  Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and
I was in the wrong one.
                                    # # #

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly
deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes,
they used to be," remorsed the patient.
                                    #  #  #

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband
had died of a massive myocardial infarct.  Not more than five minutes later,
I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive
internal fart."
                                    #  #  #

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.  I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye
with your hand."

He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

"Now your left."

Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested.

There was silence.  He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.

I turned and ... you guessed it.  He was standing there with both eyes covered.
                                    # # #


A lady walked into a pharmacy and asked the chemist: "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Does it work?", she asked.

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?", she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.

       Here's another contribution from Maria the Harding - also passed on
       by Steve the [redacted], son of T K:

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion.  So I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

At Uni, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything
was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.  She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything.  Life became so dull that
I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad
impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met.  She made me miserable
as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly
on the ground and married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and
took everything I owned.

Now I'm 40 ... and I'm looking for a girl with big tits.

         And here are a couple more that recently drifted in from QCAT ...

                              HE SAYS ... SHE SAYS

The differences between men and women can often be frustrating ...

                               SUBJECT: HAIRCUTS

   Women's Version:

Woman 1: Oh!  You got a haircut!  That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror.  I mean,
you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: Oh heavens no!  No, it's perfect.  I'd love to get my hair cut like
that, but I think my face is too wide.  I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff
I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable.  And you could
easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think.  I was
actually going to do that except I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny!  I would love to have your neck!  Anything to take
attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 2: Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have your
shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you.  I mean, look at my arms - see
how short they are?  If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so
much easier.
                                  #    #    #

   Men's Version:

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.

      ... plus some Christmas humour ...

                                  THREE WISE WOMEN

   What would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three
   Wise Men?

They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.

   But - what would they have said when they left...?

"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"

"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"

"Virgin, my arse!  I knew her in school!"

"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in. "

"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"

"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"

"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish back?

      Now to the pics department.  Firstly, the movies (which Steve H has
      just copied over onto his Digitronics server for us).

      First one is in what looks to be a proprietary Microsoft format (.ASF)
      rather than an open standard such as MPEG, so apologies in advance to
      anyone who doesn't have Microsoft Media Player handy.  Even if you do,
      you may still have problems - played for me on one PC, but skips badly
      on another :-(

      And if clicking on this brings up rubbish TEXT (as my Netscape just
      did), load it down first via a right-click and "save link as", then
      try playing it locally.

      Recently forwarded on by both QCAT _and_ Steve [redacted]:

   John West is best: Click here

      Next one (also from QCAT and SK) is also ferociously Microsoft-centric
      (a PowerPoint show), but this time I'll follow it with an "open"

   The USS COLE salvage: Click here

      or ... (via an OPEN standard that anyone can view - JPEG):

   The USS COLE salvage:
   Photo 1: Click here
   Photo 2: Click here
   Photo 3: Click here
   Photo 4: Click here
   Photo 5: Click here
   Photo 6: Click here

      These ones are all courtesy of Steve the [redacted]:

   Genetic possibilities: Click here
   Toreador: Click here
   Christmas elves: Click here
   My first: Click here
   Not now, kid: Click here
   Women Men - difference: Click here

      And this remarkable health hint (for males, or ..) is via Andrew Smith:

   Good health: Click here

      And finally for the week - one more from QCAT:

   Women mechanics - mmmm: Click here

       Now, back to textual material.  Cr Mad Mick (cousin of one David Rand)
       passed this little collection on for your amusement a while back:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
In bed, every time my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural.  I don't see what
the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
                                    # # #

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess
naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental
deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone
should answer with no trouble.  If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world
and died during one of them.  Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't
happen to have another example would you?  I must confess I don't know much
about history."
                                    # # #

A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV.

The husband sighs and says, "Arrgghh, I'm disappointed!  It was all over in
four minutes."

The wife replies, "Good! now you know how I feel."

       And here's another contribution from David (FlameMag) McCallum:

Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

Q: What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
A: "How come?"

Q: Did you hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
A: They'll never see you coming.

Q: What does Kodak film have in common with a condom?
A: They both capture that special moment.

Q: Can you define Transvestite?
A: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Q: What's the difference between a tyre and 365 used rubbers?
A: One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

         And to finish off for the week - a couple more which were recently
         passed on by Steve [redacted]:

A young girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself.
Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if
boys hit on her.

Her mother said, "That's easy, darling.  Whenever a boy starts hitting on you,
you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."

So off she went.  After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing
with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.
She asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared.  Some time later, the same thing
happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders ...

She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk.  After a few minutes, he started
kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.  "But what will our baby be
called?" she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her.  "What will our baby be called?!" she asked

After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said,
"If he gets out of this one ... David Copperfield."

     ... and ...

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.  To keep tradition going,
everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a
fight and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living
daylights out of each other.  The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court.  The fight
continues in the court room until the judge finally brings calm with the use
of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!"

The court room goes silent and Paddy, the Best man, stands up and says,
"I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.  Paddy begins his explanation
by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best
Man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, "Okay."

"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept
going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music
kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom
leaped over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick
right between her legs."

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?!" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"

       Oh - and the answer to Mad Mick's opening puzzle:

    The paragraph does not contain any instances of the letter 'e', the
    most common letter in the English alphabet.
[ End Friday humour ]

 Previous (December 08, 2000)  Index Next (December 22, 2000)