Friday humour - December 01, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

     And thanks to Davo for filling in last week with some "Thursday Trivia"
     whilst I was up north for the week at our IMTC2000 conference.  And to
     make up for the missing week - this is a bit of a "bumper" edition :-)

     First, some housekeeping: A couple of recipients expressed concern this
     week over possible future consequences of their names being associated
     with Friday humour, now that the archives are visible to the world via
     the Bluehaze archive Click here

     In particular - they discovered that by typing their full name into
     a search engine such as Google, together with one or two other words
     to limit the scope of the search, Friday humour files turned up in
     the result list via past contributions they'd made.

     I must admit that the possibility of this happening hadn't really
     occurred to me.  It's many years since I've searched the web for my
     name, but a few minutes ago, I typed "tony sanderson csiro" into google
     out of curiousity and I got 117 hits.  Most of them were bogus (ie:
     not even me), but a few were me, and a couple related to Friday humour.

     This doesn't concern me - in fact, I find it rather amusing to think
     that the above paragraph will eventually cause such a search to pull
     up this page too.  But then, I've always been a bit of a ratbag, and
     much worse things have happened to me than being associated with
     (occasionally risque) recycled internet jokes.

     BUT if any contributors feel at all concerned that a search for their
     name may turn up hits against the archived Friday humour pages, just
     tell me and I'll filter your family name out of the archive (only takes
     a cupla minutes to do).

        Okay - onto the humour, beginning with one that Rudi Pillig
        (ex-CSIRO DMP glass-blower extraordinaire) just passed on:


   I was down at CNN International this morning looking at their news
   automation system when one of the correspondents told me that some new
   information has come to light over the Kursk disaster.

   The Kursk was the submarine that blew up and sank in the Arctic Ocean
   killing all 118 on board.  The Russians tried to blame the incident on a
   collision with an unidentified object.  However, sonar tapes which recorded
   the blasts (a small one at first, then a much larger one two minutes later)
   cast doubt on these claims.

   While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage
   crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which contained
   recordings of the events leading up to the explosion.  Their intent was to
   replace the aging CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS.

   A whistle blower within the Russian military has leaked to CNN tape copies
   which show that the crew of the Kursk was testing a new type of torpedo
   fire control system when the accident occurred.

   As luck would have it, I have the following transcript of those tapes.

Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet Comrade?

Seaman: Almost Sir.  We just need to finish filling out the registration card.

Captain: Excellent.  Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies
into oblivion.  [evil laughter in background]

Seaman: Comrade Captain!  It is booting!  Look, it says "Preparing to run
Windows for the first time".  [long pause]

Seaman: Arrgh!  Sir, it wants me to reboot again.  That makes the 27th time.

Captain: Hmmm.  This is not encouraging.  Go ahead and reboot again.

Seaman: Aye Sir.  [another long pause]

Seaman: Captain, it is up again.  It says it found new hardware ... A CD-ROM
drive and that it needs drivers.

Captain: Where are the drivers?

Seaman: On the CD-ROM.

Captain: You are joking, right?

Seaman: No Sir.

Captain: Reboot the damn thing again.  I am starting not to like this Windows.
[another long pause]

Seaman: Sir!  It is back!  It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is
looking for the device drivers.  Do we have a driver disk?

Captain: I do not think so.

Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers.  [another long pause]

Seaman: Crap.  It wants to reboot again.

Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today?  This is taking forever.
Our hull is going to rust out before this works.  [another long pause]

Seaman: Sir!  It is up and this time it is not asking for anything!

Captain: Really?  No device drivers?  No registration cards?  No user profiles?

Seaman: No Sir.  I think it is ready.

Captain: Good work comrade.  Now click on the fire control icon and let us
see how this works.

Seaman: Clicking now, Sir.  [another long pause]

Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on it?

Seaman: I have no idea Sir.

Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu.

Seaman: Aye Sir.  Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Torpedo, Fire
a Torpedo.

Captain: We will Spam a friend later.  Let us fire a torpedo.

Seaman: Aye Sir.  [another long pause]

Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready.

Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number one!

[intercom:] This is the Torpedo room.  The torpedo is loaded Sir.

Captain: Click on the continue button.

Seaman: Aye Sir.  [another long pause]

Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir.

Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior.

Seaman: Aye Sir.  Damn!  Now it says the torpedo is low on ink.

Captain: Click ignore.  We will get some ink when we return to base.

Seaman: Aye Sir.  We are ready to fire.

Captain: Very good.  You may fire when ready comrade.

Seaman: Firing torpedo Sir.  [another really long pause]

Captain: Well?

Seaman: I am trying, Sir.  Nothing is happening.  Wait a minute ...

[a loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on intercom]

Captain: What the F**k was that?!?!?

Seaman: Captain!  A new screen has appeared!  It says that we are out of
virtual memory and we must shut down.  click 'OK' to continue.

Seaman: Oh my God!  The paper clip has died!  What should I do?

Captain: Shut it down!  Shut it down!

Seaman: It is not responding Sir!

Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!

Seaman: Aye Sir.  We are in luck!  The task manager is still operating.  I am
instructing the task manager to shut down Fire Control.  [another long pause]

Seaman: The task manager says that Fire Control is not responding.

Captain: Well no shit.  Tell it to 'end task'.

Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir.

Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.

Seaman: Aye Sir.  [sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]

Seaman: Oooh Sh**!  A F***ing blue screen!

Captain: Holy Sh**!  Reboo ....  [KABLAM!  A really big explosion.  More
screaming and the sound of rushing water.]

   The tape ends at this point.

   During the week long rescue effort, divers reported hearing tapping in the
   form of morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub.  The
   rescuers were at a loss to explain why a group of desperate submariners
   would spend the last of their strength tapping out "Windows sucks" in morse.

     Now to a little collection that Maria the Harding just passed on:

                              ADULT NURSERY RHYMES

                 Jack and Jill
                 Went up the hill
                 To have a little fun.
                 Stupid Jill
                 Forgot the pill
                 And now they have a son.

                 Mary had a little lamb
                 Her father shot it dead
                 Now it goes to school with her
                 Between two hunks of bread

                 Simple Simon met a Pieman
                 Going to the fair
                 Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
                 "What have you got there?"
                 Said the Pieman unto Simon
                 "Why, pies, you bloody moron!"

                 There was a little girl, who had a little curl
                 Right in the middle of her forehead
                 And when she was good, she was very very good
                 But when she was bad she got a fur coat,
                 jewels, a sports car ....

                 Hickory dickory dock,
                 Three mice ran up the clock.
                 The clock struck one,
                 and the others got away with minor injuries

                 Hey diddle, diddle,
                 the cat did a piddle,
                 all over the bedside clock.
                 The little dog laughed to see such fun,
                 And the cat died of electric shock.

                 Mary had a little lamb,
                 It walked into a pylon.
                 10,000 volts went up it's arse,
                 And turned it's wool to nylon.

     ... and these ...

                               OH, SCHNAPP!

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion
was for peach brandy.  One of his congregants would make him a bottle each
Christmas.  One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for
his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him
that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.  So
the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a
public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the
church.  That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face,
waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an
announcement.  I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind
gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

                            Incentives Matter

The owner of a business was confused about paying a bill, so he asked his
secretary for some mathematical help ...  "If I were to give you $20,000,
minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings!"

                            Obscene Phone Call

"Hello?" the blonde responded, answering the phone.

"I bet you want me to come over to your house, take you into the bedroom,
undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love
to you all night long," the male voice whispered sensuously.

"Scheesch," she replied. "You could tell all that just from me saying 'hello?'"

       Okay - over to the pics now.  Most of these are fairly large, and I
       omitted to ask Steve to host them this week - so you'll need to put
       up with fairly modest download speeds from my server.  First one's
       from David over at Telstra:

    How'd do you want that? Click here

       Down at Hobart in 1998, I noticed the Aurora Australis having a refit,
       and 6 months later discovered that a friend of mine (Rex) had been
       inside overhauling the main alternators.  So, a trace of deja vu when
       I saw this one from John Tooley - fresh from the Antarctic Div via
       John Stevens.  Note: as with last weeks penguin shot - there's NO
       JOKE in this (so don't spend the next two hours squinting at it):

    Gidday humourites! Click here

       This next collection comes courtesy of QCAT:

    Garages: Click here
    Err ...: Click here
    Dear Dr Ruth ... Click here
    Do you MIND?  Click here
    Gyno convention: Click here

       And here's a few more from the Steve [redacted] collection:

    Hold up: Click here
    Doggy 1: Click here
    Doggy 2: Click here
    Doggy 3: Click here
    Doggy 4: Click here

       Finally - this RealAudio air-check, from (by the sound of it) a U.S.
       AM radio station.  It's somewhat lewd (X-rated), so be warned - 10
       out of 10 on the disgusting scale :-)  Forwarded by Mr R Wallah:

    The gerbil: Click here

       Now back to the U.S. elections.  You may remember the NOTICE OF
       REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE from two weeks ago.  Well, Sarah Buckler
       just passed on the reply:

                            TO THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT


We respectfully deny your request for resuming control, as your proposal has
proved to be problematic for the reasons stated below.

1.  There are a large number of citizens of the United States of America who
will say that they do have a President.  His name is Charlton Heston.  They
tend to say things like, "You can have my guns when you pry them from my
cold, dead hands."  Given that the Royal Navy has become sufficiently low on
ammunition to require sailors to say "Bang" while doing gunnery practice, it
is likely that a single one of the individuals possesses sufficient firepower
to contest your claim.

2.  Should the Constitution fail, it is likely that things would revert to
the previous state, which would be the Articles of Confederation. (You do
remember those, don't you?) Under said articles, each state/commonwealth
was effectively its own Nation-state.  The United States is implemented as a
Federal government, which means that theoretically the states have the power.
This brings up the point that, in theory, any state can choose to secede.

3.  In addition, should the states be able to be reclaimed by you, it is
notable that the French, Spanish, Mexicans, Native Americans, and Texans all
have claims to territory, some of which are stronger than your claims for
the same territory.  Given the nature of our lawyers, we expect it to take
several centuries for the World Court to sort everything out.

4.  Furthermore, we feel that the United Kingdom's record with colonies has
been poor as of late.  In recent memory, every time that a major division
has shown up within a colony or territory (India/Pakistan and Ireland come
to mind), Great Britain has pursued a policy of partition every time they
decide they are bored with said territory.  We have no desire to be separated
into The Gore States of America and The Bush States of America, let alone a
division based on truly major issues, such as The Armed States of America, The
Gay States of America, The Fundamentalist Christian States of America, et al.

5.  For people who claim to speak English, you should know that your note
should have been titled Important Notice to the people of the USA.

6.  Finally, do you really want all the people contained within the current
United States to be thought of as English?  We are still trying to live down
some of our residents, and we think that you might find more of them unseemly
than we do.

     Whilst on that subject, this one was passed on by Cr Mad Mick Rand:


Nader, Gore and Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun (if you believe Nader
ever has fun) and relaxation (if you believe Gore ever relaxes).

After a healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's room and found
a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the
gentleman's room.  Be sure to check out our latest feature: a mirror that,
if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with a
wish.  But be warned - if you say something false, you'll be sucked into the
mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity."

They entered, and on finding the mirror Nader said, "I think I'm the most
truthful of us three."  In an instant he was surrounded by a pile of money,
which I suppose he invested in tech stocks.

Gore stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most ambitious of us three."
And he suddenly found the keys to a new Lexus in his hand, which he liked
because it looked better than the Veep's car.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, Bush looked in the
mirror and said, "I think ..." - and he was promptly sucked into the void.

       And this bit of beer-humour was forwarded on by Steve [redacted]:


     I don't have a kangaroo for a pet
     I don't wrestle with crocodiles
     And I don't wear a cork hat
     I fight wars
     But never start wars
     I would rather make peace
     I can wear my country's flag with pride
     I am a rock
     I am the ocean
     I am the island continent
     My brothers are the Smiths, the Wilson's, the Santerellis, the De
     Costis, The Wong's and the Jagamarras
     I play football without a helmet
     I like beetroot on my hamburger
     I ride in the front seat of the taxi
     I believe it's a prawn not a shrimp
     I believe the world is round and down under is on top
     I believe Australia is the best address on Earth
     And Australians brew the best beer.


     I ate my pet Kangaroo
     I am shit scared of crocodiles
     And I wear a baseball cap
     I start wars
     But I never fight them
     I would rather get pissed
     I wear another country's flag with pride
     I like to rock
     To Billy Ocean
     I am blind to my incompetence
     My brothers are the Smith's the Wilson's, the Wogs, the Lebs, the Chinks
     and the Abo's
     I watch football without a helmet
     I take the beetroot off my McOz
     I spew in the front seat of taxis
     I believe the world is flat
     And Australia is f**king miles away from anywhere
     I believe Australia has the best address on earth I just can't afford it

     And Australians brew the best beer on earth...


      Now for the penultimate piece for the week - from David McCallum:

A threesome is getting ready to tee off when they notice a man warming up by
himself.  They ask him to join them and he gladly accepts.  They end up having
a great round, laughing and joking the whole time and the single man ends up
shooting a great round.

Having drinks afterwards one of the men comments, "It's not often we play
with someone as fun as you and who happens to be a left handed golfer.
Our fourth hurt his back, would you care to join us next week?"

"I would love to, but there's a chance I might be fifteen minutes late."

"No problem, we'll gladly wait."

The next week the man shows up right on time and proceeds to have another
excellent round, only this time he plays right handed.  Awed by the
ambidextrous man they invite him again the next week.  Again he replies,
"I would love to, but I might be fifteen minutes late."

He shows up on time again the next week and plays well again, only this
time he plays left handed again.  After the round one man asks, "How do you
determine which way your going to play?"

The man replies, "It's simple.  When I wake up in the morning, if my wife is
sleeping on her left side I play left handed.  If she's on her right I play
right handed."

One mans thinks about this and asks him, "Hey, what if your wife is lying on
her back?

To which the man replies, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late!"

       And finally, a mathematical curiousity - passed on by John Stevens:


      It only takes 30 seconds.......

      Work it out as you go.

      Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
                               #    #    #    #

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have
   chocolate (try for more than once but less than 10).

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5 (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50 (being a bit stupid)

     (I'll wait while you fire up the calculator ...)

5. If you've already had your birthday this year, add 1750.
   If you haven't, add 1749.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born (if you remember)

You should have a three digit number ...

The first digit of this was your original number (ie: how many times you want
to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are your age.

[ End Friday humour ]

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