Friday humour - November 17, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    The first contribution this week is again related to the infamous U.S.
    Presidential election debacle.  It's been forwarded on by (wait for it):
    Sarah Buckler, David McCallum, Nicki A-O, Doug Knight, John Sharples,
    Russell Newnham, Colin Nexhip, and (yes) the old Westerly list:


       To the citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, Commonwealths and other Territories (except Utah, which
she does not fancy).  Your new Prime Minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the
need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  (A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you have noticed.)

To aid in this transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You will look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
   You will then look up "aluminium".  Check the pronunciation guide.
   You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing them.
   At the very minimum, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
   Look up "vocabulary".  Using the same twenty seven words interspersed
   with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
   inefficient form of communication.  Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English".  We will let Microsoft know on
   your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.  It
   really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
   good guys.

5. You shall re-learn your National Anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only
   after fully carrying out task 1.  We would not want you to get confused
   and give up half way through.

6. You will stop playing this American "football".  There is only ONE kind
   of football.  What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
   good game.  The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
   your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
   You will instead play proper football.  Initially, it would be best
   if you played with the girls, as it is a difficult game.  Those of you
   brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar
   to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
   twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).  We are
   hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
   they give you any merde.  The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
   there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
   The Russians have never been the bad guys.  "Merde" is French for "shit".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.  November 8th will be a new
   national holiday, but only in England.  It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned.  They are crap and it is for your
   own good.  When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

              Next, a short one forwarded on by David Mccallum:

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits in
his seat.  He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye,
too.  He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence.  We both have black eyes.
Do you mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened.  It was a tongue twister
accident.  See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with
the most massive breasts in the world was there.  So, instead of saying,
'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh, please', it came out, 'I'd like two
pickets to Tittsburgh, please'.  Well, then she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow!  This is unbelievable.  Mine was a tongue
twister, too!  I was at the breakfast table the other day and I wanted to
say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey."  But instead it
came out, "You've ruined my life, you evil, self-centred, fat-arsed bitch!"

     And an equally short piece forwarded on by Maria Harding:

God offered his tablet of commandments to the world.  He first approached
the Italians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said.

He answered, "Thou shalt not murder."  They answered "Sorry, we are not

Next he offered it to the Romanians. "What commandments do you offer?"
they said.

He answered, "Thou shalt not steal."  They answered, "Sorry, we are not

Next he offered them to the French. "What commandments do you offer?"
they asked.

"Thou shalt not covet they neighbours wife." "Sorry we are not interested,"
they answered.

Finally he approached the Jews. "How much?" they asked.

"It's free," he answered.

"We'll take ten of them!"

      Once again, here's one of those collections that almost remind one
      of that brilliant BBC radio series, "My Word".  In fact, several of
      these could have easily been taken from that series.  Passed on by
      Maria the Harding:

 1) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
    bowlers.  However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in
    a fire.  Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

 2) A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor!  I think
    I'm shrinking!!"
    The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.  You'll just have to be
    a little patient."

 3) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
    that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.  One
    day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some
    more.  On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.  Afraid to
    wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.  Immediately, he was arrested
    and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal

 4) A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies
    with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
    particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.  When the
    anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and
    said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

 5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
    produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket
    watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers travelling west.
    It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality,
    their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or
    Mexico rather than California.  This, of course, is the origin of the
    expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

 6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory
    equipment.  A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely
    nothing to go on."

 7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
    After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip
    of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off,
    chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day.  After a month,
    the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.  The chief
    shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

 8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
    name missing from the town register.  His wife insisted on complaining to
    the local civic official who apologised profusely saying, "I must have
    taken Leif off my census."

 9) There were three Indian squaws.  One slept on a deer skin, one slept on
    an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.  All three became
    pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy.  The one who slept on the
    hippopotamus skin had twin boys.  This goes to prove that the squaw of the
    hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10) By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns.  He entered them and
    one other in a contest.  He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose.  As
    they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns
    would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

      Next, one from Steve [redacted].  Some more of those incredible
      primary-school test answers:

   A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs.  She gave each child
   in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with
   the remainder of the proverb.  Their insight may surprise you.

It's always darkest before------------------------- Daylight Savings Time.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll------------------ stink in the morning.

Love all, trust------------------------------------ me.

The pen is mightier than the ---------------------- pigs.

An idle mind is------------------------------------ the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's------------------------ pollution.

A penny saved is----------------------------------- not much.

Two's company, three's----------------------------- the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what------------------- you put on to go to bed.

None are so blind as------------------------------- Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not-------------------- spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed --------------------- get new batteries.

You get out of something what you ----------------- see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind------------------- get out of the way.

   And the favourite:

Better late than----------------------------------- pregnant.


        To the pics once more - and first up, this from David McCallum:

      A vote book: Click here

        This one just arrived up from John Tooley, whose back down at
        Antarctica until early next year:

      Deep south: Click here

        And another classic one from Rosalie Louey:

      Can't you read? Click here

        Here's another interesting little collection from Steve [redacted]:

      Oooh! Ahhh! Click here
      Dog Owner #1: Click here
      Dog Owner #2: Click here
      Dog Owner #3: Click here
      Dog Owner #4: Click here
      Dog Owner #5: Click here
      Dog Owner #6: Click here
      British floods: Click here
        (That last one was also passed on by Fifi)

        And the last one for the week was passed on by Sarah Buckler:

      Sick pumpkin: Click here

        Rosalie Louey is an occasional but regular contributor, and she
        just passed this on for your confused amusement:

                               MANY YEARS AGO

     Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
     I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

     This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.
     My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.

     This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.
     My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.

     To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy.
     I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

     My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.
     And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

     For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother
     To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my

     Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
     And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.

     My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue.
     Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.

     If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.
     And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

     For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.
     As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!

       Now here's a guy we haven't heard from for a couple of years,
       namely Tom Burns.  He just forwarded on these two short ones:

Complaining of a bad leg, a man went to the doctor.  Checking over the
affected leg, the doctor put her ear to the knee and heard a little voice,
"Lend me $50," it begged.  "This is very serious," commented the doctor.

"That's nothing," the man informed her.  "You should check out my ankle."

The doctor duly put her ear to his ankle and heard another tiny voice saying,
"Lend me $100."

Concerned, she looked up and said, "This is worse than I thought ... your
leg is broke in two places."

    ... and ...

A miser called his doctor, lawyer and minister to his death bed.  "When I
die I want to take my money with me," said the miser.  "So I'm going to ask
each of you to take one of these envelopes, each containing $15,000 in cash,
and throw them into the grave at my funeral."

The men did as they were told, but later the minister confessed that he
had kept $5000.00 for the church and thrown in the rest.  "I'm building a
new surgery," admitted the doctor, "so I kept $10,000 and only threw in $5000.

"I'm ashamed of you both! scolded the lawyer.  "I threw in a cheque for
the full amount"

       And to finish up for the week - two more contributions from Steve
       [redacted].  Firstly, some more "Quotable Quotes":


Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet. - Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex.  Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in
front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.  They say that
women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house.  I don't know how I lost it.  I don't know
when I lost it.  I don't think I ever had it.  But I've seen the boss's job
and I don't want it.  - Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra.  Is
that really a problem in this country?  Men not paying enough attention to
women's breasts? - Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines.
They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill.  I think we can.  All the
general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy
over there?  They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose
your rest home. - Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis.  Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms.  They say they cause severe
swelling.  So what's the problem? - Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. - Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think
there's a lot they don't know.  Women do.  Women want to learn.  Men think,
"I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."  - Jerry Seinfield

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.  At the end of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy

     ... and ...

     (from Bob Levey, Washington Post)

We've all been interviewed for jobs.  And, we've all spent most of those
interviews thinking about what not to do.  Don't bite your nails.  Don't
fidget.  Don't interrupt.  Don't belch.  If we did any of the don'ts, we knew
we'd disqualify ourselves instantly.  But some job applicants go light years
beyond this.  We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American
corporations and asked for stories of unusual behaviour by job applicants.
The lowlights:

  * Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.

  * Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and
    french fries in the interviewer's office.

  * When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing
    around my office.

  * Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.

  * Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought
    of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.

  * Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.

  * An applicant came in wearing only one shoe.  She explained that the
    other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.

  * He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder
    and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe.  While he was putting back
    the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four
    times a day, and this was the time.

  * He whistled when the interviewer was talking.

  * She threw-up on my desk, then promptly started asking questions about
    the job as though nothing had happened.

  * Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he
    was not hired, the bomb would go off.  Disbelieving, I began to state
    why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police.
    He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran.  No one
    was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.

  * Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.
   [ Gee, how come we never get those? - Ed. ]
[ End Friday humour ]

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