Friday humour - November 10, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Quite a mixture this week - from the most lewd and lascivious to the
    most touching and philosophical, and even (in the case of the first
    one) the most topical.  And *lots* of pics.

    First up - the topical: Americans are wont to say that "In thar U S,
    any keed can graw up to be the tha Pres-ee-dent orv the good ol' U -
    S of A" (or something like that).  Well, after reading the following
    quotes from George Bush, one suspects this might be true.

    So assuming he wins ... start worrying!  From the ol' Westerly list:

   Governor George W. Bush was quoted recently as saying: "More and more
   of our imports these days are coming from abroad."

   He has also been quoted as saying:

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit ... Mars is somewhat the same distance
from the Sun, which is very important.  We have seen pictures where there
are canals, we believe, and water.  If there is water, that means there is
oxygen.  If oxygen, that means we can breathe." (11th Aug, 1994)

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history.  I mean in
this century's history.  But we all lived in this century.  I didn't live in
this century." (15th Sep, 1995)

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -
but that could change." (May 22nd, 1998)

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that
one word is 'to be prepared'." (Dec 6th, 1993)

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." (Nov 30th, 1996)

"I have made good judgments in the past.  I have made good judgments in
the future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
 (Sep 21st, 1997)

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have a tremendous impact on history."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
 (Bush to Sam Donaldson, 17th Aug, 1993)

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO.  We have a firm
commitment to Europe.  We are a part of Europe."

"I am not part of the problem.  I am a Republican"

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer
has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots?  The rioters are
to blame.  Who is to blame for the killings?  The killers are to blame.'

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
 (May 20th, 1996)

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
 (Sep 22nd, 1997)

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." (Sep 5th, 1993)

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
 (Sep 18th, 1995)

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the
mistakes we may or may not have made."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.  It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George
Bush may or may not make."

   [ Well, they know now (and they still voted for you) ]

"Public speaking is very easy." (Oct 9th, 2000)

   [ Err ... yeh, George.  (And we thought Ronald R was bad) ]

       Ron Kerpen saw this drift past on CSIRO-FORUM yesterday and
       thought you might just like it ...

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand
new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.  The driver,
a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie
leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly
how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and
calmly answers "sure!"

The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a bat-phone,
surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite
navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel
spreadsheets with complex formulas.  Finally he prints out a 150 page report
on his hi-tech miniaturised printer, turns around to the shepherd and says:
"you have here exactly 1586 sheep!"

"That's right.  Take one of the sheep" says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select an animal and bundle it in his Cherokee.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not!" answers the young man.

"You're a consultant" says the shepherd.

"That's right" says the yuppie, "How did you guess that?"

"Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here even though nobody called you,
you want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution
of, and you don't know anything about my business - because you took my dog."

       Next one was forwarded on by David McCallum some time back, and
       it's finally gonna escape:

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.  Shortly afterward, she told him
she was pregnant.  Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of
money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back.
I'll take care of expenses."  Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took
the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the
office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail
today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."  The doctor said,
"Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor
with a heart attack.  Paramedics rushed him to the ER.  The lead medic stayed
back to comfort the wife.  He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac
arrest.  So the wife picked up the card and read "Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

       To the visuals now, and the first one's from Maria the Harding:

    The annual meeting: Click here

       The next three were passed on by Sarah Buckler:

    Igloo: Click here
    Kermit's prognosis: Click here
    Oh dear me: Click here

       And the last lot from good ol' Steve the [redacted], son of TK:

    Love on the 'net: Click here
    Hand me the 'dryer: Click here
    That Kelloggs sound: Click here
    Hey, careful ... Click here
    You think you're stressed? Click here
    A resignation: Click here
    Water skiing: Click here
    Sneaky shark: Click here
    Graded homecoming: Click here

       Now, WARNING, WARNING (and DANGER, Will Robinson) - this next one's
       in the lewd, lascivious and XXXX class (there - just tripped off
       several dozen email filters).  Forwarded on by a well known lady
       (no longer at CSIRO) who's very prim and proper when she's sober:

Q:  What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A:  A mosquito quits sucking when you whack it.

Q:  What's the best thing about a blow job from an Ethiopian woman?
A:  You know she'll swallow.

Q:  How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A:  The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Q:  What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales?
A:  White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time ..."
    Black ones start, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit ..."

Q:  What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A:  They have no one to scream out to during an orgasm.

Q:  What's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth?
A:  Einstein's cock.

Q:  What's the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?
A:  Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years
    of age.

Q:  How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A:  Marry it!

Q:  Why does the bride always wear white?
A:  Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q:  Why do hunters make the best lovers?
A:  Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what
    they shoot.

Q:  Why do Italians wear moustaches?
A:  So they can look like their mother.

Q:  How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A:  The one with the dirty knees.

Q:  What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A:  A battery has a positive side.

Q:  What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A:  Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q:  A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade.  Who has the
    biggest tits?
A:  The blonde, because she's 18.

Q:  How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
A:  When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

Q:  Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A:  It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q:  What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A:  A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Q:  Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A:  When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Q:  Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A:  Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q:  What's the difference between Mayonnaise and semen?
A:  Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girls throat at thirty miles an hour.

Q:  Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
A:  Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q:  Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
A:  They keep stepping on the strings.

Q:  How do you piss off a female archaeologist??
A:  Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

Q:  Why are Women's feet shorter than men's feet?
A:  So they can stand closer to the sink.

Q:  How can you tell a macho women?
A:  She rolls her own tampons.

        Bumper sticker:
    Jesus loves you.   Everyone else thinks you're an arsehole.

Q:  Why did God give men penises?
A:  So they'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

Q:  How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
A:  All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

       Okay - for those of you who are still with us, this next one was
       just passed on by Steve [redacted] - more chinese translations ...

That's not right. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -> Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? - - - - - - - --> Hu Ya Hai Ding?

See me ASAP. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --> Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -> Dum Gai

Small Horse. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > Tai NiPo Ni

Did you go to the beach? - - - - - - - - - - - > Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. - - - - - - - - -> Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift. - - - - - - - - -> Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here. - - - - - - - - - - - -> Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet. - - - - - - - - -> Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. - - - - - - - - - - - > No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?- - - - > Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright. - - - - - - - - - - - > Yu So Dum

I got this for free. - - - - - - - - - - - - - > Ai No Pei

Please stay a while longer. - - - - - - - - - -> Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week. - - - > Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight. - - - - - - - - - - - - - --> Lei Lou

He's cleaning his automobile. - - - - - - - - -> Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive. - - - - - - - - - > Yu Stin Ki Pu

      Over to Carlton and United Breweries now and one from Matthew Greene:


Chush is a Brooklyn school that caters to learning disabled children.  At a
recent fundraising dinner, the father of a Chush child delivered a speech
that would never be forgotten.

He began with a question. "Where is the perfection in my son Shaya?  Our
culture worships perfection.  But my child cannot understand things as
other children do.  My child cannot remember facts and figures as other
children do.  Where is his perfection?  The audience was pained by the father's
anguish. "I believe," the father answered, "that when a child like mine is
born into the world, the perfection that he seeks is in the way people react
to this child."  He then told the following story about his son Shaya:

One afternoon, Shaya and his father walked past a park where some boys were
playing baseball.  Shaya asked, "Do you think they will let me play?"  Shaya's
father knew that his son was not at all athletic.  But if his son was chosen
to play, it would give him a sense of normalcy and belonging.

Shaya's father approached one of the boys in the field and asked if Shaya
could play. "We are losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning.
I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him up to bat in the ninth
inning."  Shaya was told to put on a glove and go out to play centre field.

In the bottom of the eight inning, Shaya's team scored a few runs but was
still behind by three.  In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shaya's team scored
again and now with two outs and the bases loaded with the potential winning
run on base, Shaya was scheduled to be up.

Would the team actually let Shaya bat at this juncture and give away their
chance to win the game?  Surprisingly, Shaya was given the bat.  He didn't
even know how to hold the bat properly, let alone hit with it.  However as
he stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball
in softly so Shaya would at least be able to make contact.  Shaya swung
clumsily and missed.  One of Shaya's team-mates came up to him and together
they held the bat.  The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the
ball softly.  As the pitch came in, Shaya and his team mate swung at the ball
and together they hit a slow ground ball to the pitcher.

The pitcher picked it up.  He could easily have thrown the ball to the
first baseman.  Shaya would have been out and that would have ended the game.
Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right field,
far beyond reach of the first baseman.  Everyone started yelling, Shaya,
run to first.  Run to first".  Never in his life had Shaya run to first.
He scampered down the baseline wide-eyed and startled.

By the time he reached first base, the right fielder had the ball.  He could
have thrown the ball to the second baseman.  But the right fielder understood
what the pitcher's intentions were, so he threw the ball high and far over
the third baseman's head.  Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second."

Shaya ran towards second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled
the bases towards home.  As Shaya reached second base, the opposing short
stop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base and shouted,
"Run to third."  As Shaya rounded third, the boys from both teams ran behind
him screaming, "Shaya run home."

Shaya ran home, stepped on home plate and all 18 boys lifted him on their
shoulders and made him the hero, as he had just hit a "grand slam" and won
the game for his team.

(when a child like mine is born into the world, the perfection that he
seeks is in the way people react to him).

"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face,
"those 18 boys reached their level of perfection."
                               -- -- -- -- --

   Funny how simple it is for people to trash different ways of living and
   believing, and then wonder why the world is going to hell.

   Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread
   like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding life's
   choices, people think twice about sharing.

   Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through
   cyberspace, but the public discussion of morality is suppressed in the
   school and workplace.

   Funny how when we go to forward messages like this we will not send it
   to many on our address list because we're not sure what they believe,
   or what they will think of us for sending it to them.

   Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us
   than what we think of ourselves.

       And to finish off for another week - one more from Steve [redacted]:

A hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the night
the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a couple
of night-caps.  One questions the other two, "look it's our wedding night
and I was wondering how many times are we expected to ...aah ... well, you
know ... do it!"

The other two look blankly at him, then they all delve into a conversation
about whether the usual once is enough, or should they go for twice, as its
a special occasion!  Anyway they decide to retire to their respective wives
and see how the night goes, with the idea that over breakfast they'll discuss
what went on.

Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on fellas we can't discuss our first
night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our wives sat with us."

"No you're right, what we'll do then, for every piece of toast you order with
your breakfast, that's how many times you did it" offers another groom.

They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.

The next day in the hotel breakfast parlour they're all looking a bit
dishevelled and the wives have the hairstyle known as the 'Just Shagged Look'.
The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order,

"Yes I'll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please".

The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a
toast to his prowess.

The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders.  "I shall also
have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast"

The other two grooms turn to each other, make pistols from their fingers,
and shoot the FOUR shooter groom.

The waitress gets to the last groom - "I TOO shall have the FULL English
breakfast please, and I shall have ..." he takes a deep breath and surveys
the room, "... SEVEN .. yes, SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for everyone's
benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare
at him rubbing their privates thinking how raw their friend must be.

"Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress "why that's an awful lot"

"Yes indeed young lady - seven pieces of toast it is."

She writes down his order then turns away, but before she leaves, the
seven-times-a-night groom calls after her again.

"And by the way, love - can you make two of them brown ?"
[ End Friday humour ]

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