Friday humour - November 03, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

          Gidday, Yo, and etc
     First up this week, it's a couple of contributions that were recently
     passed on by David McCallum.  The first one is just some rather sage
     advice for all you "soon-to-be" parents:
                               ---------------------


                                    BABY QUIZ

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now.  When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes University.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.  Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline
   irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labour?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour but
   pressure.  Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
   labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause haemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week.  When will my wife begin to feel and act normal
   again?
A: When the kids are in college.
                              ----=====#####=====---


  ... and the other one:


        The following extracts are perfectly genuine - taken from actual
        letters sent to the DHSS (Social Security).
        ----------------------------------------------------------------

Will you please sent someone to mend our broken path as my wife tripped and
fell on it and she is now pregnant.

Would you please repair our toilet.  My son pulled the chain and the box fell
on his head.

Mrs Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year.  The clergy have
been visiting her.

I need money to buy special medicine for my husband as he is unable to
masturbate his food.

In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer with no
results so far.

I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing is dead.

Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going into hospital
to have her overtures out.

Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children, one of which
is a mistake as you will see.

My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he finds he is
lethargic to it.

Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon, I shall be obliged to live
an immortal life.

The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles about
and I had them humanised.

Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord
and milkman.

You have changed my little boy into a little girl.  Will this matter?

Mrs. Brown thinks she is ill, but believe me she is nothing but a hypodermic.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the
enclosed envelope.

I want my sick pay quick.  I have been in bed under the doctor for a week and
he is doing me no good.  If things don't improve I shall get another doctor.

I do not get any money from my son.  He is in the Army and his regiment is
currently manuring on Puckapunyal range.

Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.

Re your dental enquiry:  The teeth on top are alright but those on my bottom
are hurting dreadfully.

I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate.  This is a lie
as I married his father a week before he was born.

I am sorry I omitted to put down all my childrens names.  This was due to
contraceptional circumstances.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his
foot in the hole in his back passage.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked, where do I stand?
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     Now for one from Olivine the Madsen (for all you cynics out there :-)
                               ---------------------

                                 WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No.

No = Yes.

Maybe = No.

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry...

We need = I want.

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what ever you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.

I'll be ready in a minute = I'll be ages but do NOT put the TV back on.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead,]

                                 MEN'S ENGLISH

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired = I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex now!

I love you, too = Okay, I said it.  Now can we have sex?

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.

Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Okay - a few pics and MPEGs now.  The first few are courtesy of
         QCAT, a bit north of here:

     The Friday stamp:  Click here
     A rare rock:  Click here
              - and these cute little ones ...
     Off the mark #1:  Click here
     Off the mark #2:  Click here
     Off the mark #3:  Click here
     Off the mark #4:  Click here
     Off the mark #5:  Click here
     Off the mark #6:  Click here
              - and this MPEG (hosted up on Steve Harding's server):
     Discouraging harassment in the workplace: Click here

         This next collection came from Steve [redacted]:

     Sixth sense:  Click here
     Japanese etiquette:  Click here
     Is it real, or a model?  Click here
     Well, this one's real:  Click here
     And so is this:  Click here

         Finally, this is a little classic that Warner noticed yesterday:

     Alien song: Click here
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          Back to the American Standard Code for Information Interchange
          material now, beginning with this one from Maria Harding:
                               ---------------------

                           A KIWI, A SHEEP, AND A Dog

A New Zealander, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island.  After being there a while,
they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun
go down.  One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds,
the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.  As they sat there,
the sheep started looking better and better to the New Zealander.  Soon, he
leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.  But the dog got jealous,
growling fiercely until the New Zealander took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but
there was no more cuddling.  A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there
was another shipwreck.  The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most
beautiful woman the New Zealander had ever seen.  She was in a pretty bad way
when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.  When the
young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle
breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the New Zealander started to get "those feelings" again.  He
fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to
the young woman shyly and whispered in her ear, " ... would you mind
taking the dog for a walk?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


              This next one's from Sally Johnson in Electronics ...
                               ---------------------

                                ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbour
came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and
again opened it, slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house she went.  As the man was getting ready to edge
the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then
slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "Sure there is!  My stupid computer keeps saying 'YOU'VE
GOT MAIL'."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Our old westerly-type list has become a bit quiet lately, but here's
      one short one that came drifting through back in January:
                               ---------------------

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.  They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and
washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her, So the captain sent the old
man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they
found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.  It read:

"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.
We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was
an oyster and inside there was a pearl worth $ 50,000.  Please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and rebait the trap."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


              Then there was this one from Steve [redacted] ...
                               ---------------------

This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together,
and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and
says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blow job?"

Girl: "What?  You're crazy???!!!"

Boy: "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

Girl: "No!!  Someone may see; a relative, a neighbour..."

Boy: "Argh - at this time of the night, no-one'll show up.."

Girl: "I've already said no ... NO!"

Boy: "Honey, it's just a small blowie ... I know you like it too."

Girl: "NO!!!  I've said NO!!!"

Boy: "Oh sweetheart ... don't be like that ..."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair
totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes, saying "Alright - Dad says either you
have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy
a blow job himself - but for God's sake, can he please take his hand off
the intercom."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And finally, to round things off for yet another week - this one
        was recently forwarded on by Steve (LMS) Harding:
                               ---------------------

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Norman what is your problem?"

Norman answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade.  My sister is in the
third grade and I'm smarter than she is!  I think I should be in the third
grade, too!"

The teacher had had enough.  She took Norman to the principal's office.

While Norman waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was.  The principal told the teacher he would give the boy
a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the
first grade and behave.  The teacher agreed.

Norman was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to
take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Norman: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Norman: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should
know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Norman can go to the
third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "May I ask him some questions?"

The principal and Norman both nod in agreement.  The teacher asks, "What does a
cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Norman, after a moment: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal's eyes open really wide, but before he could stop the answer,
Norman replied, "Pockets."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Norman in
the fifth grade.  I missed the last two questions myself."
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[ End Friday humour ]



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