Friday humour - October 20, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        And gidday,
    We seem to be having some technical problems this morning - the connection
    through to the Vic Regional Network seems to be out, which means that
    I can't get at this week's humour contributions (they're at work -
    and I'm not :-).  So I'll be grabbing some of the stuff from slightly
    unusual places today.

    First up - a quickie from the rec.humour.funny newsgroup archive ...
    originally submitted back in 1987:

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen.
There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting
tired of it.

So she goes to her neighbour and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green.
What can I do about it?"

Her neighbour replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do.
Tonight there's no moon.  After dark go out into your garden and take all
your clothes off.  Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and
blush.  In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."

Well, what the heck?  She does it.

Next day her neighbour asks how it worked.

"Oh, so-so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green, but the cucumbers are
all four inches longer."

     This next tiny-tiny item was forwarded on by Nestor Z (ANL, Illinois)
     back in November ... thought you might be tickled by it:

  From one of my daughters - not really a smiley, but very Aussie for a




     Isn't he cute???



  (Yep - she likes koalas!)

     I heard this morning that Terry Lane (respected Wireless broadcaster
     and occasional comedian on the ABC here in Oz) is away crook with the
     dreaded lurgi this week, and this prompted me to check out his web
     site again.  I was surprised to find the following couple of 1997
     Darwin Award nominees that I'd missed.  Enjoy:

                        DARWIN NOMINEE FOR 1997 - #1

In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging
firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27.  The
men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently
impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired,
the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away
from Mr. Michael's deck.

Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline
and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out.  After several
unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon
fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail.  Not one
to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr.  Michaels proceeded to slide
feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match.

The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the
way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed.  He exited the angled
pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph
McFadden, 31.

Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads
of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn.  In all, he travelled over
200 feet through the air.  "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he
flew over us," McFadden reported, "followed by a loud thud."  Amazingly,
he suffered only minor injuries.

It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out
of a cannon at the circus.  I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt."

   ... and ...

                        DARWIN NOMINEE FOR 1997 - #2

    From a radio program, a true report of a happening in Michigan, USA.

A guy buys brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly
payments.  He and a friend go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are
frozen.  These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the
beer, and of course the new vehicle.  They drive out onto the lake ice and
get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks,
something for the decoys to float on.  In order to make a hole large enough
to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is
going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with
a short, 40-second fuse.  Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into
consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location
far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the
risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go
up in smoke with the resulting blast.  So, they decide to light this 40-second
fuse and throw the dynamite.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer,
the guns and the dog?  Yes, the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner.  You guessed it, the dog
takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick
of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.

The two men yell, scream, wave arms and wonder what to do now.  The dog,
cheered on, keeps coming.  One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the
dog.  The shotgun is loaded with 8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a
Black Lab.  The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused but continues on.
Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused &
of course scared, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane.

He takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the
stick of dynamite) ... under the brand new Cherokee.  BOOM !  Dog and Cherokee
are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole,
leaving the two candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there
with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use
of explosives is not covered.  He had yet to make the first of those $400+
a month payments.

        Now over to Brian D McNicol in the UK and this quickie:

A golfer comes home from a match.  His wife asks if he won, and he says that
he lost 3 and 2.

"Were you playing with Harry?" she asked.

"No - Fred," he replied.

"Well how come you never play with Harry any more?", she asks.

"Would you play with a guy who, when his ball is lost, slips a ball down his
trouser leg and claims he found it, and who when his opponent's back is turned
moves his ball into a better lie, and who after he has marked his ball on
the green puts it back several feet nearer the hole?".

"Certainly not!" says his wife.

"Well, neither will Harry" he replied.

       This is another short one - from Steve LMS Harding ...

One dismal rainy night in London, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from
the shadows of an alley halfway down the block.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab
and slammed the door.  Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away,
he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Kings Cross," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you
looking at driver?"

"Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the
driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?"

       And just before we get onto the pics for this week, a contribution
       from David McCallum:

A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar.  They are having a good
time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.  Then the Scotsman says,
"Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's
a better one.  At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and
MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nice bar, but where I come from, dere's
a better one.  Over in Brooklyn, dere's this place, Vinny's.  At Vinny's, you
buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink.  You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you
anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great?  Where Oi come from in Dublin,
dere's dis place called Morphy's.  At Morphy's, dey boy you your forst drink,
dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey take
you in de back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic!  Did that actually happen to

"Naw," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister."

        Okay - pics time again.  This week, we start off with a few that
        were forwarded on for your viewing pleasure by Sarah Buckler:

     How stunning ...  Click here
     Where the heck is it? Click here
     Beware of the dawg: Click here
     Man's best friend:  Click here
     I'll go with daddy ...  Click here

       And a few big-ish ones that Steve (Digitronics) Harding has loaded
       onto his server for you:

     The incentive: Click here
     The Olympic pole: Click here
     The Olympic what?: Click here
     Is this real?? Click here

        Returning to the ASCII once again, here's a couple more from Dave

   With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole new line of drugs
   oriented towards improving men in today's society:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost,
compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over- whelming urge to
perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered
this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.  Currently being
tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy
their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after talking this drug for only
two days.  Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period
longer than your favourite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra.  Currently undergoing
clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn
off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked
about their affairs.  Will be available Regular, Grand Jury, and Presidential
Strength versions.

  ... and ...

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.  He orders a drink for himself
and asks for some water for the primate.  The barman obliges.

However, while he's supping, the monkey is less interested in the liquid
refreshment.  He grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs
some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one
of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement,
somehow swallows it whole.

The barman screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats
everything in sight, the little bugger.  Sorry.  I'll pay for the cue ball.

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.  He orders
a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.  The Barman
recognises the primate.

"I'm sorry fella, but after the last time I'm going to have to ask you and
your monkey to leave."

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar.  He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

The barman is disgusted. "Did you just see what your monkey did?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!"
said the barman.

"Yeah, well that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy.  "He still eats
everything in sight - but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures
everything first."

                 Now for another one from Steve [redacted]:

                                 THE SONS

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their

"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman.  "So we
obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot.  "My son was born on St
Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."

"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same
thing happened with my son Pancake."

      Here's another contribution from Nestor J. Zaluzec - and a bit
      longer than that first (earlier) one :-)

    Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's
    personality based on what she drinks.  Though interviewed separately,
    the bartenders concurred on almost all counts.

    The [alleged] results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her.  She'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (except white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years ... Alzheimer's
and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint.  Nothing to do but wait.
                               #    #    #

Then there is the male addendum.  The deal with guys is, as always, simple.

Domestic Beer:
He's broke and just wants to get laid.

Imported Beer:
He likes good beer and just wants to get laid.

He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image ... to
help him get laid.

He doesn't really give two shits about anything but getting laid.

Piss off, all you wanker LOSERS - I'm gonna go shag something!

White Zin:
He's gay, newly out ... and not used to it.

       And finally for this (somewhat disconnected) Friday, a very brief one
       (lifted from the rec.humor.funny newsgroup archive of 1987):

A five year-old kid is mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.  The priest
who lives across the street spies the beer, and so he ambles over to harass
the kid:

   Priest: "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?"

   Kid:    "That's nothing; I got laid when I was three."

   Priest: "WHAT?!  How did that happen?"

   Kid:    "I don't remember.  I was drunk."
[ End Friday humour ]

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