Friday humour - October 13, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Yo,
     Well, the Games are finally over, and Steve [redacted] just passed
     this on to assist those who need it to come back to earth:
                              ----------------------

       Now we are no longer the centre of the known universe, it's time to
       get back to normal, so-o-o ...

1)  You can stop smiling now.

2)  Same goes for being nice to everyone.

3)  People looking confused or lost whilst holding maps can be ignored as per
    usual.

4)  People with foreign accents can again be ridiculed.

5)  People wearing big ID badges around their necks should be told they look
    like dicks.

6)  Same goes for wearing the official SOCOG volunteer gear.  It's finished -
    get over it.

7)  The Sydney 2000 t-shirts that sold at the Olympic Park Megastore for $60
    bucks last Friday are now being sold at Paddy's Market at 3 for $10.

8)  Chants of "Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi" will not be tolerated.  Police
    have sanctioned the use of violence against anyone who does.  Expect to
    hear the frequent sound of Police gunfire a lot over the next week or two
    as those who have forgotten the Olympics are over are firmly reminded.

9)  Expect to hear the frequent sound of Police gunfire again anyway.

10) Wearing a tracksuit emblazoned with the name of some forgotten tinpot
    ex-Soviet Union dictatorship will no longer give you preferential entry
    into the best clubs in town.

11) You don't have to watch Archery, Shooting, Greco-Roman Wrestling Equestrian,
    Synchronised Swimming, Badminton, Hockey, Sailing, Tai Kwan Do, etc etc
    ever again (at the very least not for another 4 years anyway.  Though I'm
    sure the Greco-Roman Wrestling will always go down well with the local
    denizens in Oxford St in one form or another.)

12) Trains can again start derailing and City Rail staff can go back to being
    their normal surly selves. "Mind your step Ladies and Gentlemen" will be
    replaced by the familiar refrain of "The 5:28 to Berowra is delayed by 45
    minutes and will now not be stopping at this station.  Cityrail apologises
    for the inconvenience but realises that as you have no real alternatives
    so you'll just have to put up with it.  Ha ha ha ha ha......."

13) Ditto for the planes

14) And the buses

15) All the homeless people who were trucked out to "hospitality camps" can
    now reappear in the inner city (now that all the TV cameras have gone)
    and Frank Sartor & Bob Carr can admit "Yes, of course we were only
    hiding them while the Olympics were on.  Whaddaya bloody think?!?!"

16) All the new street plants will not be replaced.

17) There will be public hangings of anybody found wearing the following:
                           a) Australian flag capes
                           b) Australian flag caps & hats
                           c) Australian flag t-shirts
                           d) Australian flag flags

18) No one will use the Superdome, the Hockey stadium, the Baseball stadium,
    the Equestrian centre or the Archery & Shooting ranges again.

19) It will take you an hour & a half to drive 10km, not the 15 minute trips
    you've been blissfully enjoying for the last 2.5 weeks.

20) You'll never again feel comfortable singing the national anthem or
    Waltzing Mathilda in a full subway car with complete strangers.
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       And digging back to the half-way point of the humour in-box yielded
       this pair of quickies from Nestor (ANL) from November last year:
                             ----------------------

                                  MEDICAL EXAM

Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his
medical boards, so he wasn't in the least fazed by the question: "Name the
three advantages of breast milk."

Quickly he wrote:

1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.

2. As it is contained within the mother's body, it is protected from germs
   and helps develop the child's immune system.

Then Leonard was stumped.  Sitting back and racking his brain until he'd broken
into a sweat, he finally scribbled:

3. It comes in such nice containers.
                                 ---===####===---


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over
the dashboard.  As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just
went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection.  The light was red
again, and again they went right though.  This time the woman in the passenger
seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned
that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close
attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they
went right through.  So, she turned to the other woman and said,

"Mildred!  Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!  You
could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"
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                 Here's another one from Steve [redacted] ...
                            ----------------------

          TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

"What the f--- was that?"  (Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945)

"Where did all these f------ Indians come from?"  (General Custer)

"It does SO f------- look like her!"   (Picasso)

"You want WHAT on the f------ ceiling?"    (Michaelangelo)

"Scattered f------ showers... my ass!"    (Noah)

"I need this parade like I need a f------- hole in my head!"   (J.F.K.)


                THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT (IN GOLF) AREN'T

Damn ... my shaft is bent

After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more

Mind if I join your threesome?

Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

    And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:

Hold up ... I need to wash my balls first


                THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT (IN LAW) AREN'T

Have you looked through her briefs?

He is one hard judge!

Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.

Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

For $200 an hour, she better be good!

Can you get him to drop his suit?

The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

    And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't:

Think you can get me off?
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       Now it's time for the pics - beginning with this little one passed on
       by James Powell:

    Assistant:  Click here

       And a couple more from Steve [redacted]:

    Well, hmmmm ...  Click here
    Fill up with BP:  Click here

       Next one was forwarded on by Rosalie Louey:

    Well, golly gosh ... Click here

       And lastly but not leastly - one from anon (only 'cos I lost the
       contributor's name along the way) ... this little "knock":

    A man and a woman: Click here
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         Returning to the ASCII stuff, Mad Mick has submitted some more
         "quotable quotes" from the wireless and other places.  Steve
         [redacted] also forwarded a few at around the same time, so I'll
         bundle 'em all together for you:
                              ----------------------

     Via Mick:

'Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names.'
(Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3)

'Cystitis is a living death, it really is.  Nobody ever talks about it,
but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and
getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily.'
(Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine)

Listener: 'My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell
off at the altar on my wedding day.'
Simon Fanshawe: 'How awful!  Do you still have an artificial leg?'
(Talk Radio)

BBC1 Presenter (to palaeontologist): 'So what would happen if you mated the
woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?'
Expert: 'Well, in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule,
we'd get a sort of half-mammoth.
Presenter: 'So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?'
Expert: 'Er ... well, yes ... but elephant shaped, and with tusks.'

Kilroy-Silk: 'Did you mean to get pregnant?'
Girl: 'No.  It was a cock-up.'

     And via Steve:

Richard Faulds: I have so much to thank my parents for.
Interviewer: Your mum and dad?
Richard Faulds: Yes.
BBC1 (F.A. Connolly)

"She looks like the Olympic record-holder that she is."
D. COLEMAN, BBC1 (Andy Hargreaves)

"England couldn't have expected to win, but they didn't expect to lose."
KAREN BROWN, BBC (E.R. Carter)

"This is speed, power, grace - use whatever adjective you like about this
woman."
STEVE CRAM, BBC (Derek Watts)

"There you can see her parents.  Her father died some time ago."
DAVID COLEMAN, BBC (Sylvia Crookes)

"She was a born footballer, even when she was young."
Commentator, Eurosport (Jonny Martin)

"Jonathan Edwards - he has his faith, his health, his family, his children, but
more importantly his Olympic medal."
BRIAN ALEXANDER, BBC Radio 5 (Richard Scruton)

"The girls are all very tired - they've had six big events between their legs
already."
SALLY GUNNELL, BBC (Adrian Loveless)

"She's not won a gold medal of any colour, has she?"
JAMES ANDREW, British Eurosport (Judy Howlett)

"If she can keep her head and her legs together she shouldn't have too many
problems."
Commentator, BBC (Simon Wolfendale)
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       Next one's from Steve as well (this must be Steve [redacted] week :-)
                              ----------------------

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when
he saw something, far off in the distance.  Hoping to find water, he walked
towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card
table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?".  The
man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?  Here's one
that goes nicely with your robe."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"Okay, don't buy a tie.  But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you
that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant.  Walk that way,
they'll give you all the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually
disappeared.

Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting
behind his card table.  He said, "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill.
Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped "I found it alright.  They wouldn't let me in without a tie!"
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      Over the old Westerly-type list now, and this one from back in May:
                              ----------------------

                        THE UNIVERSE ACCORDING TO DILBERT
                                  by Scott Adams

* Stupidity is like nuclear power - it can be used for good or evil.  But you
  still don't want to get any on you.

* You are without romance or mirth.  You must be an engineer.

* The status of a temp is somewhere between that of a security guard and the
  crud behind the refrigerator.

* And in the news ... Body parts were strewn for miles ... Check your sandwich.

* I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees.

* Trying to attain vast power and world domination again?!  Bad dog!  Bad dog!

* There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft.

* All your problems are caused by invisible people.  To eliminate your problems,
  all you need to do is find them and kill them.

* Someday the people who know how to use computers will rule over those who
  don't.  And there will be a special name for them: web-mistresses.

* Running feels awful, but it will let you live longer ... So, life will feel
  awful, but at least it will last longer.

* It's not a cult.  Think of it as a gang of morons who have nothing better
  to do with their lives.

* Hello!  This is a long-distance phone company with vague promises of
  unverifiable savings if you switch to us.  Is this a convenient time for
  you? .. No? OK, we'll call back later.

* If you touch any key, our software will lock up.  Call us and we'll blame
  it on Microsoft.

* What do you call a dog that's been run over by a steamroller?  Spot.

* Nature has a way of compensating for weaknesses, which is why stupid people
  have big mouths.

* It is said that man's ability to reason that separates him from mere animals,
  but then again the animal kingdom has no equivalent to "championship
  wrestling."

* One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

* Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think.

* Used car salesmen are not in it for the money.  They just like lying to
  strangers.

* To become one with your computer is to reach a state of ... nerdvana.

* When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, humanity is doomed.
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       And finally for the week ... yes, you guessed it - another one
       from Steve [redacted] (he and Maria have been prolific over the
       past few months).  It's another beer story, and although it's
       from the UK, there are enough parallels for Oz ...
                              ----------------------


    London (Reuters) 11:00, 06 October
    ----------------------------------

A group of militant alcoholics have blockaded a brewery in Sheffield, England,
in protest at the exorbitant tax imposed on booze in the United Kingdom,
Government officials said today.  Fears have been growing that the protests will
spread country wide and some panic drinking has been reported.  The protestors
have demanded that the British Prime Minister, Tony Blair meets the group
"If he thinks he's hard enough" and are said to be concerned that he may be
looking at their "birds".  Official advice from the national beer watchdog
CAMRA, is to ensure that everyone drinks enough beer this evening to keep
them pissed through to the weekend.

The Government, however, advises that national stocks are reserved for
emergencies.  The Leader of the Opposition, William Hague, was quoted this
morning as saying "F*** that, I'm off to the pub".

For all you Rebel Petrol Blockade Supporters ... A REAL issue to deal with ...

          DUMP THE PUBS!

Forget Petrol, what about our bloody Beer !!!

          Fact 1:

If you live in the UK, taxes add 66% to the price of your beer.  In many
places, Beer is now over 200 pence per pint.  That's nearly 16 A GALLON.

For every 10 you spend on a night out, you' re giving the government nearly an
extra 7 out of your own pocket!!  For every three pints you buy for yourself,
you buy two pints for Gordon Brown.

Mr Brown - BUY YOUR OWN !!!

          Fact 2:

When the beer price was hiked in America last year, people got together.
NOBODY BOUGHT BEER FOR A DAY.  The loss of revenue was crippling for some of
the big players.  They rallied round and forced the prices down again.

          Fact 3:

Nearly 10 Billion is sucked out of drinkers' pockets each year in tax.
You buy some of the planet's most expensive beer, but do you see that money
going back into the pubs?  NO, you do NOT.  A recent study pointed out that most
of Britain's pubs are up to 15 years beyond their structural refurbishment date.
Recently, many have been 'done-up' on the cheap, into tacky Irish theme bars.
Much of the tax on beer is only spent on Schools, Roads and Hospitals.

          Fact 4:

The average household pays nearly 500 per year in alcohol tax.  That's nearly
10 a week.  Why should we - the ordinary citizens - be targeted by this
"poll tax in bars" ???

          Fact 5:

Alcohol duty has little to do with health.  A litre bottle of Whisky has
almost 8 of tax, this works out at OVER 35 a gallon!!  Meanwhile methylated
spirits is ludicrously cheap.  Organic wine is taxed at EXACTLY THE SAME RATE
as non-organic - so where's the health discount, eh Mr Brown??

          Fact 6:

Hotel companies are suffering - so is the whole tourism trade.  When a pub
has to fill its bars with beer taxed as such a ridiculous rate, its drinking
price become so expensive that tourists take their business to the continent -
and with sky-high prices, who can blame them!!!  That in turn means a LOSS OF
INCOME for our country.

          Fact 7:

Home Brew is not an option.  Beer and wine kits require complex equipment,
heating and HOURS of your time for a product which doesn't reach the standard
the BRITISH DRINKER expects.  If the government wants people to move to
home-brewing and away from public houses they'll have a fight on their hands.
The British Pub is OUR CULTURAL HERITAGE, and we, the people of Britain,
just won't stand for this kind of Nanny State.

                   ! ! !   S O   A C T   N O W   ! ! !

There is no major organisation that represents the British drinker when it comes
to matters of alcohol duty.  The government are bleeding drinkers dry.  Why?
BECAUSE THEY CAN.  As long as public apathy continues, and we keep paying
ludicrous prices for our beer, the government will keep laying on the tax.
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[ End Friday humour ]




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