Friday humour - September 22, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

          Yo,
    And another highly bloated Olympic Edition for you this week!  To begin,
    his esteemed Highness, Cr Madus Mickus (UK), has passed on couple of
    puzzles (of the old-fashioned matchstick variety).

    Good luck (and try not to peek too quickly):

      Puzzle 1: Click here
      Solution: Click here

      Puzzle 2: Click here
      Solution: Click here
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Onto some more Olympic humour.  I heard a comment on the wireless this
    week to the effect that Sydney has omitted one important tourist aid
    around Sydney ... multi-lingual signs.

    However, all is not totally lost, because the following pamphlet has
    been assembled and handed out - to ensure that, once again, the Oz
    effort will go down in history as the "friendly games".  This one
    forwarded on by Steve Kerassitis ...
                             ------------------------


                HOW TO MAKE YOUR STAY IN SYDNEY A REAL SUCCESS

When in the water at Bondi, always be sure to wave enthusiastically to the
lifeguard, so he'll know exactly where you are.

The tolls on the harbour bridge are voluntary.  You should only contribute
if the toll officer sings for you, or at the very least plays an instrument.

When visiting the top restaurant The Rockpool, be sure to joke with Neil
Perry about how he lost his Good Food Guide hats last year.  Neil is very
relaxed about it, and finds the jokes "hilarious".

It is traditional to bargain with Sydney taxi drivers over the fare.  On no
account pay what is on the meter, as this will be sure to cause offence.

Before attempting the traditional climb of the Opera House sails, always
remove your shoes.

Money lost at the Star City Casino is refundable at the end of the night.
Just have a word to one of the kindly security guards.

You'll find Kerry Packer's luxury yacht, Arctic P, moored in the harbour.
Just clamber aboard, as Kerry loves surprises.

The Olympic "Clearway" lanes are kept completely clear of traffic so as to
provide cheap parking.

The monorail is no longer in service.  The metal track, though, is now
available to American visitors for rollerblading, or simple sunbaking.

When surfing at Bondi, do not be surprised if a hooter sounds and the
swimmers around you head for the shore.  This is a local custom to allow
our visitors to have uncrowded enjoyment of the waves ... and if you happen
to have a shark appear - they are very tame and love to be patted on the nose.

Sydneysiders love to hear constructive feedback especially if given with our
favourite accent: British.  If you can think of any way to improve our city
perhaps in your country you've found a better way to do something - tell the
Sydneysiders you meet in as much detail as you can.  They'll thank you for it.

Tourists crossing the Harbour Bridge will be pleased to know that Bureau
de Change offices are installed in all lanes, where you can charge your
home currency for Australian dollars.  Feel free to haggle to get the best
exchange rate.

Sydney has vibrant drinking houses and a lively tradition to match.  Join
in the fun by following a local custom - after every third drink, catch
the eye of as many people as possible and call out loudly, "It's my shout!".

Parliament House is open to the public ... from the public Gallery it is
possible to see of Australia's finest actors, Robert Carr, perform in the
role of Abraham Lincoln.

If sunburnt while in Sydney.  A good remedy is to sleep naked between fresh
bed sheets, which have had a hand full of Bondi sand sprinkled liberally
between them.

While bathing in the Harbour remember that any Jelly Blubbers you may swim
into can be used to beef up your bra or sluggo size.  These do-it-yourself
beauty enhancements come in many different sizes and colours and are GST free.

Keep an eye out for one of the hundreds of delightful creatures that decorate
our beautiful beaches, The Blue Bottle.  You'll have hours of fun picking
these creatures up by the tail and swinging them overhead.

Visitors to Sydney will notice a unique road service provided to assist
tourists: special sightseer lanes on the Harbour Bridge and elsewhere,
marked B-U-S, which stands for Banned Unless Sightseeing.

Don't worry about getting to the station early - Sydney trains always run
on time.

The 'T' lane means Tourist Lane, so that Tourists can stop on the Harbour
Bridge to look at the Opera House.

Small silver scooters are ubiquitous throughout the city and are provided
free by the State Transit Authority ... just approach someone riding one and
ask them firmly to give up the scooter ... they may protest ... but don't be
put off.  You may need to physically wrest the scooter from the other rider.

Unless you have 'top cover' travel insurance, do not attempt to drive across
the Harbour Bridge as the trip up and over the arch is extremely hazardous.

Vegemite is a very mild flavoured chocolate for putting on bread.  To fully
appreciate it you should spread it at least 1 inch thick.

Most Australian families leave all their clothes at the front door (a bit
like the Japanese do with their shoes).  If you are invited to an Aussies
home, disrobe as soon as you enter the front door.

When a local says he's going to "shoot through" take it literally - and
run for your life.

If you want to see kangaroos, stand on George Street at 5.05 PM and yell
"cooee" five times - reminding them to come out of their burrows under the
Queen Vic building.

When visiting the Opera House - rows A to K are best for mobile phone
reception and for flash photography ...

The viewing windows from the Sydney Harbour Tunnel are open to the public
outside peak hour.  The best access is via the southbound tunnel: parking
is provided at intervals along the tunnel.

Due to the huge number of international tourists visiting our city and
touring around the countryside, the government has decided to temporarily
amend the road rules.  All tourists will be allowed to drive on the right
side of the road until the end of the Olympics.

The locals at Bondi Beach have invented their own competition.  So far, Paddy
from Ireland has managed to consecutively hit 4 tennis balls directly onto
the volleyball court from the beach.  Anyone who beats this record will
have their name recorded in the local newspaper's special Olympic edition.
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      And for those tourists who (during or after the Games) make their
      way down to Melbourne, these additional rules have been prepared.
      Passed on by Maria the Harding ...
                             ------------------------


          BASIC RULES FOR INTERNATIONAL TOURISTS DRIVING IN MELBOURNE

1.  Turn signals will give away your next move.  A real Melbourne driver
    never uses them.

2.  Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you
    and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space
    putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3.  Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going
    with the flow."

4.  The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you
    have of getting hit.

5.  Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive body work.
    The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6.  Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that
    your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake
    pedal pulsates.  For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch
    your legs.

7.  Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
    rush-hour traffic in Melbourne.

8.  Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even
    someone changing a tire.

9.  Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD
    drivers.

10. Learn to swerve abruptly.  Melbourne is the home of High-Speed Slalom
    Driving thanks to VicRoads, which puts potholes in key locations to
    test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

11. It is traditional in Melbourne to honk your horn at cars that don't
    move the instant the light changes.

12. Remember that the goal of every Melbourne driver is to get there first -
    by whatever means necessary.

13. Real Melbourne women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye make-up
    at 75 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

14. Real Melbourne men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 75kph in
    bumper-to-bumper traffic.

15. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses
    because they have brakes.

16. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.

17. It's okay when driving in Melbourne's Western suburbs to air your
    grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute" while
    screaming out "arsehole".  But it is imperative you are driving a turbo
    charged 5 litre V8 with a crowbar in your lap.

18. When driving in Melbourne there is the mandatory law stating you MUST
    straddle both lanes when stopped at the lights, thus ensuring no other
    driver can get away first.
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      Now to some more pics.  First one is from Steve Kerrasitis:

    Rude rock: Click here

      This one is via our northerly list (Rod up at QCAT):

    Bathroom sign: Click here

      And another picture courtesy of Jonian (XRD) Nikolov:

    Yet another use for duct tape: Click here

      Finally - this recent collection from the UK (Mad Mick Inc):

    More car stickers: Click here
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      Back to the sorta humour you have to read now, and another one from
      Maria the Harding ...
                             ------------------------

                         DUBIOUS SAND BAGS AT THE BORDER

Mwangi comes up to the Kenyan border on his bicycle.  He has two large bags
over his shoulders.  The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand" answered Mwangi.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that ... Get off the bike."  The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand.  He detains Mwangi overnight and has the sand analysed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Mwangi, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens.  The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand" says Mwangi.  The guard does his thorough examination and discovers
that the bags contain nothing but sand.  He gives the sand back to Mwangi,
and Mwangi crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years.

Finally, Mwangi doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cafe
in Nairobi.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something.  "It's
driving me crazy.  It's all I think about ... I can't sleep ... just between
you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Mwangi sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
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        Over to the West now and one of our Port' expatriates - Julian
        Johnson, who just forwarded this one:
                             ------------------------


A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming
from her daughters bedroom.  When she opened the door she found her daughter
naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35, I'm still living at home with my parents,
and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound
coming from the basement.  When he went downstairs, he found his daughter
now naked on the couch with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35, still living at home with my parents, and
this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time
in the living room.  Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching
television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him on the couch.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

He replied, "Watching the cricket with my son-in-law.
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Over now to TBFXRD, Nicki (this was also forwarded by a few others
      during the last few months as I remember):
                             ------------------------

            THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN THESAURUS OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY


      Log On - Make the barbie hotter

      Log Off - Don't add any more wood

      Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbie

      Download - Get the firewood off the ute

      Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once

      Window - What you shut when it's cold

      Screen - What you shut in the mozzie season

      Byte - What mozzies do

      Bit - What mozzies did

      Mega Byte - What Townsville mozzies do

      Chip - A bar snack

      Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips

      Modem - What you did to the lawns

      Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife

      Laptop - Where the cat sleeps

      Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster

      Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K-Mart

      Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed

      Mainframe - What holds the shed up

      Web - What spiders make

      Web Site - The shed or under the verandah

      Cursor - The old bloke that swears a lot

      Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go

      Upgrade - A steep hill

      Server - The bird at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

      Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter-lunch

      User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things

      Network - When you have to repair your fishing net

      Internet - Complicated fish net repair method

      Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net

      Online - When you get the laundry hung out

      Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up
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             Next - another contribution from Bob Flann:
                            ------------------------

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston.  After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and
they decide to stop for a rest.  They stop at a nice hotel and take a room,
but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill
for $350.  The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350.  When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man
insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the
husband and wife to use.  He also explains they could have taken in one of
the shows for which the hotel is famous.  "The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

The man is unimpressed, and simply protests, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a cheque and gives it to the manager.  The manager is surprised
when he looks at the cheque.  "But sir," he says, "this cheque is only made
out for $100."

"That's right," says the man.  "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
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         And this quick one from Cr Mad Mick (a contribution from Andy
         Relf, Chichester West Sussex, UK):
                             ------------------------

Man was boarding a jumbo jet when he saw a man with a Jack Russell terrier
in the next seat.  Taken aback he said "You can't bring a dog on here."

The man said quietly, "I'm a customs agent - this is our sniffer dog."

Accepting this, the passenger took his seat, and just after take off the
dog slipped quietly away and returned some minutes later.  He jumped up
onto the customs officers' lap and whispered in his ear.

The passenger said "That's amazing - what did he say?"

The customs man said, "There's a man down the front left with some cannabis."

Some little while later the same thing happened and when the dog returned
the passenger said "What did he say then?"

The customs man replied "There's some heroin in the bag over there."

About an hour later the dog slipped away again this time to the back of
the plane, and when he returned he jumped on the customs man's lap, and
instantly had a crap.

The passenger said "That's disgusting - why did he do that?"

The customs man said, "There's a bomb under the seat."
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      Haven't heard much from Brian D. McNicol lately - although I did
      find this in the collection from a few months back:
                             ------------------------

                            PIERRE THE FIGHTER PILOT

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a
pleasant little picnic by the river Seine.  It's a beautiful day and love
is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says "Pierre, kiss me!"

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.  Well, my name is Pierre,
the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer was good enough for Marie, and things began to heat up.  So she
says "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts
pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre, what are you doing?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat
I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.  Marie
leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it
all over her genital area.  He grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "MON PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go
down in flames!"
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        Already gone _way_ over this week, but what the heck - here's one
       quick final lot of trivia from our westerly-type list:
                             ------------------------

                       SEVEN THINGS YOU DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW

                                 Facts and Figures


1. The germs present in human faeces can pass through up to ten layers of
   toilet paper.

2. The best recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet.

3. Several well-documented instances have been reported of extremely obese
   people flushing aircraft toilets whilst still sitting on them.  The vacuum
   action of these toilets sucked the rectum inside out.

4. It is possible to cough your guts up.

5. If your body's natural defenses failed, the bacteria in your gut would
   consume you within 48 hours, literally eating you from the inside out.

6. Henry II was murdered by his homosexual lover, who pushed a red-hot poker
   0.5 metres up his arse.

7. A woman who had recently visited South America, where she had safaried
   in local rainforest, began to experience severe pains in her left ear,
   accompanied by headaches, dizziness and constant rustling sounds, at first
   put down to tinnitis.  It became so serious that exploratory surgery was
   required, which revealed that a spider which had become trapped in her
   ear.

   Evidently it had eaten through her eardrum and was living within the
   aural cavity.  The rustling sounds were from the spider crawling around
   inside her skull.  An egg sac was also removed.
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[ End Friday humour ]




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