Friday humour - September 15, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

       Yo,
    And here we go with yet another load of nonsense to round out the week.

    And with the Sydney Olympics starting tomorrow, this first contribution
    from Steve Kerassitis is pretty well topical:
                            ---------------------

This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his
new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic
Village.  Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they
rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement.
After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed
in exhaustion.

The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light.  His
beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten
with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her.  She's really pleased to
have met this guy.

At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed.  He fumbles
the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a
glass and drinks it down in one gulp.  Then he stands bolt upright, takes
a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed,
climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla.  Then he
vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance.

The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter.
Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion!

After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the
gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the
mysterious liquid.  Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other
side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN.  The girl
is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering
pace as before.

In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these
incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect!

More than two hours later, after another repeat of the strange drinking
ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her
part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself.

"Oooh ... aahhh ... just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting
bald-headed Aussie, "I ... think I need to try some of your ... tonic!"

She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid.  She braces herself
for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola.

But she too stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed -
only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Aussie
Relay team ...

   [ Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie!!! ]
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        Next one's from the ol' westerly list.  And it's almost as topical
        as that last one - except (as the original contributor put it) it's
        in  _really_ poor taste:
                            ---------------------

        RUSSIAN SUBMARINE

(Sung to the tune of Yellow Submarine)

          In the town
          Where I was born
          Lived a man
          With PhD
          And he told
          Us of his job
          Making faulty
          Submarines

          So we sailed
          Up to the north
          Till we found
          The Barents Sea
          And we sank
          Beneath the waves
          In our Russian
          Submarine

          We all drown in a Russian Submarine
          A Russian Submarine
          A Russian Submarine
          We all drown in a Russian Submarine
          A Russian Submarine
          A Russian Submarine

          Casualties
          Jump by the score
          As we hit
          The ocean floor
          And the air
          Begins to fade

          We all drown in a Russian Submarine
          A Russian Submarine
          A Russian Submarine
          We all drown in a Russian Submarine
          A Russian Submarine
          A Russian Submarine

          Radiation
          Makes us hot
          Hypothermia
          Makes us not
          Turning blue
          And glowing green
          In our Russian
          Submarine

          We all drown in a Russian Submarine
          A Russian Submarine
          A Russian Submarine
          We all drown in a Russian Submarine
          A Russian Submarine
          A Russian Submarine
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        Next - over to Illinois and this recent arrival from Uncle Nestor:
                            ---------------------

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired
and discouraged men.  Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost
anything.  Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are
equally tired and discontented.  Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and
send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list,
and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women.  One of them is bound
to be better than the one you already have.  At the writing of this letter,
a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth
keeping.  REMEMBER this chain brings luck.  One man's pit bull died, and
the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model.  An unmarried Jewish
man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters
waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!  One man broke the chain,
and got his own wife back again.

Let's keep it going, men!  Just add your name to the list below!
           ===================================================


Mr Bill Clinton,
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.,
Washington DC

William Jefferson Clinton,
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.,
Washington DC

W. J. Clinton,
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.,
Washington DC

William Clinton,
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.,
Washington DC

W. Jefferson Clinton,
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.,
Washington DC

 William J. Clinton,
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.,
Washington DC
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       Okay - time for some pics.  First up, here's two that were recently
       passed on by Tony Kerassitis:
                             ----------------

     Beer Song: Click here
     Chain Hug: Click here
                             ----------------

       And Evie the Popas just forwarded this one on:

     Waiting for the Perfect Man: Click here
                             ----------------

       Olivine Madsen passed these two on a cupla weeks ago:
                             ----------------

     Real Estate Adv: Click here
     Something Inside: Click here

       The last couple are small "EXE" programs (although big enough to
       warrant asking Steve to host them over at Digitronics).  But you
       will need a PC running a Bill Gates OS to run them.  When you click
       on these, you must "save" them somewhere on your PC first, then go
       there and "double-click" on them:
                             ----------------

     X-Ray Gypsy: Click here
     Alcohol: Click here
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       Okay - enough of that.  This next one _sounds_ like a repeat to me
       (but my search didn't find it in the archives, so maybe I'm wrong).
       The girl (at CSIRO Minerals) who submitted it wishes to remain anon:
                            ---------------------


                          THIS IS THE WAY YOU DO IT!

A guy in a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.  "Open the
fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank," she replies, "we don't have any money.  This is
 a sperm bank".

"Don't argue, open the fucking safe or I'll blow your head off"

She obliges, and once she's opened the safe door the guy says "Take out
one of the bottles and drink it".

"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.

"Don't argue - just drink it," he says.

So she prises the cap off and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink that too!" he demands.

She takes out another and drinks it as well.

Suddenly, the guy pulls off the balaclava - and to the girl's amazement,
it's her husband.

"See!" he yells, "It wasn't that fucking difficult, was it?"
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       Now for a couple from way up in the warm, northerly country (QCAT):
                            ---------------------

A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.  Her car
was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun.  He
told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all
the dents would pop out.  So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands
and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe.

Nothing happened.  She blew a little harder and still nothing happened.

Her room mate, also a blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow in
the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her blonde room mate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh!  Hello??  Don't you
know that you need to roll up the windows first!"

                          ---====#######====---

    ... and ...

                            THE SEVEN DWARFS

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come
across a lake.  The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath.

So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the
lake.  The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says "When I get into the water and you hear the
splash, you can turn around."

Snow White undresses, but just as she is about to jump into water, she
is startled by a frog - who jumps into water before she can.

The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around - and see Snow White
standing ... NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is
being advertised?

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     Oh, come on now - this should be easy for a person of your mental powers!

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     "SEVEN UP"
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          Next - a very short ASCII contribution from Olivine:
                            ---------------------

                       ACTUAL AD IN THE NEW YORK POST

             FOR SALE BY OWNER

    Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
    45 volumes. Excellent condition.
    $1,000.00 or best offer.
    No longer needed.
    Got married last weekend.
    Wife knows f---ing everything.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And this even *shorter* one from Steve LMS Harding over at AMCOR:
                            ---------------------

    Fifty Years ago:


A hundred white men chasing one black man across a field was called the
Ku Klux Klan ...


    Today:


It's called the PGA Tour.
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       The next contribution is from a girl who normally doesn't ask to
       remain anon - but on this occasion, she did - so ... from Anon:
                            ---------------------

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of
a man's penis was larger than the shaft.  After one year and $180,000.00
they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to
give the >man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study.

After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason
was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australian scientists, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own
study.

After 2 weeks and a cost of $74.95, they concluded that it was to keep a
man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Now it's over to the old Bushells Factory and this one from
       Russell in the good ol' CSIRO Battery Group:
                            ---------------------

                 WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?


  JEFF KENNETT
If the chicken did cross the road it should have been fitted with an etag
and should pay the same toll as all other road users.

  STEVE BRACKS
Regional chickens should have the same opportunities to cross roads as
chickens living within Melbourne.

  DENNIS NAPTHINE
To join my front bench

  JOHN HOWARD:
According to documentation submitted to the Live Foods Processing Authority,
the chicken in question was uncooked at the time of its journey, and therefore
will not incur a GST charge.  However, if that Chicken actually crossed
the road for profit, regardless of its raw/cooked status, the road crossing
would be considered by the ATO to be a service for which GST will be imposed.
(And the united nations should butt out.)

  KIM BEASLEY
There WAS a chicken and it DID cross the road.  This is a deliberate act by
the government to hide the fact that chickens continue to cross Australian
roads.

  REV. FRED NILE:
Because the chicken was gay!  Isn't it obvious?  Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face?  The chicken was going to the "other
side."  That's what "they" call it: the "other side."

Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.  And, if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay too.  It is the will of Jesus and the Lord that we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes
with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."  That chicken should
not be free to cross the road.  It's as plain and simple as that.

  SUSIE O'NEIL
It was a rather sus' chicken, don't you think?  Pretty big for its age.

  EVELYN SCOTT:
To demonstrate a commitment to reconciliation with indigenous chickens.

  PAULINE HANSON:
Please explain.

  ROBERT DE NIRO:
Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road?  Is that what you're
telling me?

  ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die.  In the rain.

  SADDAM HUSSEIN:
It was an unprovoked act of rebellion and violence by a counter-revolutionary
terrorist chicken and we were forced to defend ourselves from the menace
by dropping 500 tons of nerve gas on it.

  HANSIE CRONJE
What if I could guarantee it won't get to the other side?

  THE CIA:
Who told you about the chicken?  Did you see the chicken?  There was no
chicken.  Please step into the car, sir.

  BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.  What do you mean by
chicken?  Could you define the word "chicken"?

  JULIUS SUMNER-MILLER
Why is it so?  Just as this chicken crosses the road, so there is a glass
and a half of full cream dairy milk ...

  THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road."  And the chicken crossed the road, and there was
much rejoicing.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And finally for this week, the obligatory contribution from
        David (Fifi) McCallum ( ... one of these days before we all
        get outsourced, I _must_ put that Christmas Panto clip up on
        the network here for those who missed it ... :-)
                            ---------------------

  Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a
  man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.

  This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in
  the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other:


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER:     Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST:    Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER:     Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST:    Wow!  Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER:     Could we be over-reacting?
SAFEST:    Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER:     You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST:    Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER:     I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST:    I've always loved you in that robe.

                             ---===#####===---


     Actually, that was pretty short.  Let's have one more from DM to
     really finish off:
                            ---------------------


                          MORE AMAZING ANAGRAMS

      Diego Maradona
      O dear, I'm a gonad

      Tony Blair PM
      I'm Tory,  plan B

      Virgina Bottomley
      I'm an evil Tory bigot

      Micheal Heseltine
      Elect him, he's alien

      David Mellor
      Dildo marvel

      Dame Agatha Christie
      I am a right death case

      The Metropolitan Police Force
      I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop

      Benson and Hedges
      NHS been a godsend

      SelinaScott
      Elastic snot

      Mel Gibson
      Big melons

      Gloria Estefan
      Large fat noise

      Chris Rea
      Rich arse

      Martina Navratilova
      Variant rival to a man

      Gabriel Sabatini
      Insatiable airbag

      Irritable Bowel Syndrome
      O my terrible drains below

      Evangelist
      Evil's Agent

      Desperation
      A rope ends it

      Semolina
      Is no meal

      Eleven plus two
      Twelve plus one

         and the final few...

      Mother-in-law
      Woman Hitler

      Motorway service station
      I eat coronary vomit stews

      President Clinton, of the USA
      To copulate, he finds interns
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[ End Friday humour ]




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