Friday humour - September 08, 2000

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Yo,
    Last week, I forgot to give the solution the previous weeks Pickwickian
    puzzle - the placing of the contestants in the wheelbarrow race.  The
    answer was that the placing order was Snodgrass, Winkle, and Tupman.

    Here's five more riddles to puzzle over - answers at the end:
                                  = = = = = = =

    1. What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand
       years?

    2. What is round as a dishpan, deep as a tub, and still the oceans couldn't
       fill it up?

    3. There were five men going to church across an empty field and it
       started to rain.  The four that ran got wet, the one that stayed put
       stayed dry.  Why?

    4. The more you take, the more you leave behind.  What are they?

    5. He who has it doesn't tell it.  He who takes it doesn't know it.  He
       who knows it doesn't want it.  What is it?
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------


     So to the humour.  The first couple of offerings this week come from
     John Klimek over at CUB (via Dave Moors):
                              ---------------------

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub.  They all have a
severe stutter. "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.
"Th th th th three pi pi pi ..........." says the Englishman.

Up steps the Irishman. "Three p pints of of of of gui gui gui ........"

Then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th th th th th ................."

"Oh bugger this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone
else.  She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

"Th th th th three pi pi pi pi ...", stutters the Englishman.

"Three pints of gui gui gui gui ........." tries Paddy.

And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th ...........".

"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet? "If any one of you can
tell me where you live without stuttering I'll let you shag me!"

Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman "Where
do you live?"

"M M M M Man Man Manch ..."

"No.  You loose." says the beautiful landlady.  Turning to the Scotsman,
"Okay - where do you live, Scotty?" she asks, trying not to laugh.

"E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb ..."

"Nope.  You loose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?"

"London" blurts out the Irishman.

"Oh, bugger!" says the landlady.

A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the
hand and leads him upstairs.  Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear,
next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom.  Finally she slides
off her panties then climbs into bed.

Paddy, with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory,
and then - right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out:
" ....... D D D Derry!!"
                              ---===####===---


    ... and ...


                          MARRIAGE - CHINESE STYLE

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.  On the wedding night,
she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring, I know dis
you firs time and you flighten.  I plomise you, I give you anyting you want,
I do anyting you want.  What you want?"

"I wanna numma 69" she replies.

He looks at her very puzzled and says, "You wanna beef with broccorri?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     The next offering this week arrived via our ever-active Westerly list
     around 15 months ago:
                              ---------------------

        YOU KNOW YOU'RE ITALIAN WHEN ...

1.  You're 6'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still
    cry when your mother yells at you.

2.  You carry your lunch in a Weston Produce bag because you can't fit 2
    mortadella & mozzarella "sandwiches", 4 oranges,3 bananas, a jar of olives,
    a loaf of Pasta Dura and a Salami into a regular paper lunch bag.

3.  Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a
    '76 Monaro.

4.  Your mother owns 3 houses, has $400,000 in the bank but still believes
    she's entitled to the pension.

5.  You share one bathroom with your 5 brothers and 7 sisters, have no money,
    but drive a $75,000 Club Sport.

6.  Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all
    blood relatives.


       YOU KNOW YOU'RE A GINO WHEN....

1.  You have a $6,000 sound system in your XD Falcon.

2.  You wear a La Porchettas shirt and indoor soccer shoes to midnight mass.

3.  Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law.

4.  You own a tape that has Stevie B, Pearl Jam, and Ricki Martin on the
    same side.

5.  You find it necessary to carry a pager despite the fact that you are a
    part-time produce clerk at Rocky's fruit market.

6.  You own a "Ferrari Grand Prix" T-shirt from each of the last 10 years.

7.  Although you are at a disco 4 nights a week, you still can't drink more
    than 2 Ouzo & Cokes without passing out.

8.  You are a card carrying V.I.P at more than 3 dance clubs.

9.  A favourite summer activity for you and your friends is sitting on the
    hood of your car blaring "It's A'More" outside the local milk bar.

10. Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by
    wearing your "Just do me" tank top to The Metro.


       YOU KNOW YOU'RE CALABRESE OR SICILIAN WHEN.....

1.  At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.

2.  All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.

3.  You still wear see-through dress socks and pointy patent leather dress
    shoes to weddings.

4.  You are married and can still squeeze into your cream white confirmation
    suit.

5.  In some capacity, there is a dump truck or tandem trailer in your life.

6.  A high school diploma and 1 year of TAFE college has earned you the title of
    "Professor" among your aunts.

7.  You are on a first name basis with at least 10 banquet hall owners and 15
    green grocers.

8.  You have at least one relative named "Maria" or "Bruno"

9.  Every single tape in your car has the dance version of Ave Maria.

10. The meat you eat is usually a former pet.

11. It takes 4 disposable blades to shave each side of your face.  (I'm not
    sure if they're referring to a guy or a girl)

12. If someone in your family grows beyond 5ft 6",it is presumed your mother
    had an affair.

13. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.

14. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

15. Your father lives in a subdivision and still raises his own chickens
    and rabbits.

16. At some point in your life, you were a D.J. or mowed the lawns at your
    uncle's.

17. You can name more people in the Il Globo obituaries than players on the
    Italia Soccer Team.

18. 30 years after immigrating, your parents Still say "Pronto" when answering
    the phone.

19. You and your wife/husband have matching beanies for those cold winter
    mornings.

20. You are offended when the wedding you attend serves less than 9 courses
    despite the fact that you don't eat half of it.

21. You ask "How much for cash?" when buying but will accept 'gifts' in
    exchange for cash when selling.

22. You are not materialistic but insist a $500 wedding present is nothing.

23. You think have a concrete backyard is nice.

24. You think having swans in a big fountain in the front yard next to the
    vegie patch is tasteful.

25. You actually believe everyone eats those sugared almonds in the bonboniere
    at your wedding.

26. You always have a friend who 'owes you a favour'.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Time for some visual humour - this first collection came down via the
     QCAT (Quennsland Centre for Advanced Technology) humour list:

   Please honk if ...  Click here
   Anyone for a lift?  Click here
   Creative advertising:  Click here
   Loose talking:  Click here

     Next one's a short movie (which means it's fairly big - so Steve Harding
     has kindly put it up over at Digitronics).  This was forwarded on by Doug
     Knight (passed on to him by a long time sporting associate):

   Whoops:  Click here

     And finally - a few visual comments on our wonderful GST (as in VAT)
     recently introduced here in the land of Oz.  Passed on by Rosalie Louey:

   Oz GST #1:  Click here
   Oz GST #2:  Click here
   Oz GST #3:  Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Back to the printed material.  With the ever-increasing public antagonism
     toward corporate globalisation and the continuing swing away from service
     to profiteering (especially with banks), this next contribution on the
     subject of MONEY may well strike a chord with some.

     Passed on by David Magnay (over at Telstra) last year:
                              ---------------------


             FINANCIAL NOTES - The Funny Money Revolution Begins

                                                      by David Boyle

Where does money come from?  There was a time when most God-fearing Britons
felt the pound had been put on earth for their special use, backed by the
golden vaults Bank of England - and many of us are still under the impression
that this is true.  Actually the pound cut itself loose from gold long ago,
and we haven't been able to exchange our notes for anything except other
notes since 1931.  These days, the pounds in our pockets are backed by our
collective belief that the Government will pay the National Debt.

The trouble is that the pound, along with the other currencies of the world, is
connected to a wild global system, and all currencies derive their direction
from the hidden hand of the market.  But the hidden hand is emotional and
unpredictable; its decisions are based on hope, fear, mood patterns and much
else besides.  It's this very unpredictability and changeability which provides
the traders with their profits.

It's a virtual monster, without concrete existence.  When the stock market lost
A351bn on Wednesday, the end of the day left the value of British companies
in tatters, but their other assets - their personnel, bricks and mortar,
possibilities and plans - exactly as they had been eight hours before.  That's
the peculiar thing about the modern world economy, it is - as Diane Coyle put
it - "weightless".  And it has little or nothing to do with ordinary life or
ordinary trade.

At least 95 per cent of the currencies which flood across the planet -
$1,500bn a day - have nothing to do with trade at all.  It is speculation,
but speculation which can have a devastating effect on people's lives.  The
truth is that the world financial system isn't actually there for us at all -
yet we are connected to it.

So what can we do if we wake up one morning and find that the pound is a limp
shadow of its former self?  Or, just as important, what happens if we wake up
and find ourselves with the euro - as we probably will, for lots of very good
reasons - but only one continental interest rate, which doesn't suit most of
us very well?

One answer is that we are going to have to create our own money.  And although
that seems a radical concept at first sight, you can see the beginnings of
this revolution already happening.

You can see it in the 400 or so "Let's Exchange" schemes around the UK, or the
innovative printed currency called Hours in Ithaca in upstate New York,
accepted by most local businesses and backed by the local chamber of commerce.
You can see it in the time banks emerging across the United States and Japan,
or the French Sel system or the Italian Banco de Tempo.

But you can also see it emerging in the world of international business.
Until recently, Northwest Airlines paid its entire world-wide PR account in
Air Miles.  They still sell blocks of Frequent Flyer points to charities, which
then trade them on at a profit.  And anybody who has used Sainsbury's points
or Midland Choice points is using the beginning of alternative currencies
which exert a little independence from the world's stock exchanges.

This is the revolution which was predicted a generation ago by the great
economist F.A.  Hayek, when he called for the "de-nationalisation of money",
and it is made possibly partly because of computers, which allow us to
use different aspects of our lives.  But this is also the start of a kind
of Protestant revolution for money.  Just as the early Protestants did
away with the need for priests to intercede between them and God, so these
"new alchemists" are doing without bankers.  Not for everything of course.
But if necessary, any group of people - even a handful of neighbours - have
the wealth among them to issue some kind of money to help them get through
the difficult times.  We don't have to wait around for the banks to do it:
we can do it ourselves.

   David Boyle is the author of 'Funny Money: In Search Of Alternative Cash'
   (Harper Collins, 18 January, 1999)
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Something a little more recent now - this just arrived from Matthew
     Greene over at CUB:
                              ---------------------


A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?  It's been flickering
for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily. "Fix the light?  Now?  Does it look like I
have a GE logo printed on my forehead?  I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the 'fridge door?  It won't close properly."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door?  Does it look like I have
Westinghouse written on my forehead?  I don't think so."

"Fine," she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door?
They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does
it look like i have ACE hardware written on my forehead?  I don't think so.
I've had enough of you.  I'm going to the bar!"

so he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.  He starts to feel guilty
about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.  As he
walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.  As he goes to get
a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey, how'd all this get fixed?"

She answered, "Well now - when you left, I sat outside and cried.  Just then,
a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.  And he offered to
do all the repairs.  All I had to do was let him screw me - or bake a cake."

He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?"

She replied, "Hellooooo ... do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                And this very short piece from David McCallum:
                              ---------------------

Lorena Bobbit's sister was arrested last night for attempting to cause
the same damage to her husband that Lorena had inflicted on her
spouse.  The sister didn't hit the mark and stabbed her husband in the
leg by mistake.  She has been charged with a misdeweiner.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      To finish off for the week - a couple of contributions from Russell
      MacKinnon (who received these from his mate David over at CIBA Specialty
      Chemicals):
                              ---------------------

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told
him he has only 24 hours to live.  Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife
for sex.  Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know
I now have only 18 hours to live.  Could we please do it one more time?"  Of
course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realises that he
now has only 8 hours left.  He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey,
please... just one more time before I die."

She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.  After this
session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until
he's down to 4 more hours.  He taps his wife, who rouses.  "Honey, I have only
4 more hours.  Do you think we could ..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the
morning.  You don't!"
                              ---===####===---


      ... and ...


                   THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY? THINK AGAIN.

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house
in the kitchen.  The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow,
the motorcycle slipped into gear.  The man, still holding the handlebars,
was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped
onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband
laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him
and the patio door shattered.  The wife ran to the phone and summoned an
ambulance.  Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down
the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to
her husband.  After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the
hospital, the wife up-righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper towels,
blotted the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.  The husband was
treated at the hospital and was released to come home.

After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage
done to his motorcycle.  He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on
the toilet and smoked a cigarette.  After finishing the cigarette, he flipped
it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming.  She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor.

His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks,
the back of his legs and his groin.  The wife again ran to the phone and
called for an ambulance.  The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the
wife met them at the street.  The paramedics loaded the husband on the
stretcher and began carrying him to the street.

While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife,
one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.

She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them
tipped the stretcher and tipped the husband out.  He fell down the remaining
steps and broke his arm.

 [ NOW do you think YOU'RE having a bad day ... ? ]
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


   And before we forget - the riddle answers:

1.  The letter M
2.  A sieve
3.  The 4 that ran were bearers; the one who stayed was a body in a coffin.
4.  Footsteps
5.  Counterfeit money.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]




 Previous (September 01, 2000)  Index Next (September 15, 2000)